what wld u give to save yours? ive been weighing mine lately. ive decided im worth more than ive been alotting myself. i think maybe ive known that for a very long time. ive known a lot of things for a very long time, but ive avoided them. been too scared to face and accept. reality is like that. scary.
that's why ive been so idealistic, i guess. the same reason ppl pray. no one wants to believe that this is it. no one wants to believe that its all in their hands. god's there. god's listening; god will fix it if i just pray and believe hard enough. this isnt all there is for me. Someday is out there. its far away, but its alive, and if i believe hard enough, i'll catch it. it'll come to me.
maybe it is out there. lately ive been wondering abt the potential harm in being idealistic. sure there's harm in it. but how much?
i think its fucking hilarious what ppl choose to be idealistic about. in one breath, they speak so calmly, cooly, and collectedly abt the importance of being realists, the dangers of idealism, of getting your hopes up, of chasing a dream; abt how not being hopeful is not a bad thing, its just a completely logical way of looking at things. the healthiest way. and in the next breath they go on and on, painting the most colorful picture of their soul, soaked with fire and stars in its eyes.
we are idealistic abt the things we want. we are idealistic abt the things we dont' want. that makes sense, i guess. power of positive thinking.
as far as which is healthier, though, idealism or realism, i think they're both lethal at their extremes. any extreme is a bad thing. too feminine. too masculine. too emotional. too logical. its myopic.
i am becoming less and less idealistic abt things. i dont know yet whether that's good or bad.
one thing that is becoming clearer, though, is that i have been afraid to put myself first, and i cant afford to do that much longer. realistically speaking. i dont have to be unhappy right now. its 95% my fault. maybe 90.
im gonna do something abt it though. i got a plan and everything to lose. the trick will be to be careful enough to protect what i do have, but wreckless, ruthless, and aggressive enough to get what i deserve.
ive put my heart back in my chest where it belongs.
im tired of myself.
i dont know if i'll be updating here very often anymore.
today i got off the trolley and the sun judo-kicked me square in my cornea. i cldnt help but smile at it. i love the sunshine, man. it amazing how its absence can completely stifle your life, your happiness, how it can dictate what u do and don't do during the course of a day. when i get off the trolley and its already dark? dark sky means its night time, and night time means ur safe and seure in ur house near ur bed and definitely not out runnin the streets. daylight savings time was moved up this weekend though, so the days are longer; it literally feels like someone has tacked on a few years to my life. its creepy, how man can sort of pretend to control something as forceful, expansive, and wild as time. they put on a good illusion. right now it's working for me.
so its been awhile since ive updated. i dont know that there's much to report as far as going on, but im happy to report that my anxiety levels have been lower than they have been for a really really long time lately. i guess that's due to a few different things goin on, but largely, ive just been trying to keep my mind occupied, too occupied to dwell on shit that hurts to think about. and its working, though i admit ive sort of slacked on that lately. and this weekend i got drunk on some hugs and cuddlin and said too much, which is something ive said i was gonna stop doin. so that notwithstanding, ive been doing good--exercising when i can force myself to, and writing under the same circumstances, keeping my place clean. and i have a few mantras that i say to myself like a billion times a day (the main one: 'u cant control someone else's actions; only your response to those actions'), and i sort of got a type hurtful wake up call about 2 weeks ago that really was the push that i needed (i guess i needed it) to get the ball rollin on makin some changes that ive been scared to make.
if ur confused right now u prolly shld be
the moral of the story is that now, right now, im doin good & im doin what i can to make sure things stay that way. with the weather warming, im pretty sure i got a good shot at makin that happen.
that's provided that the germs knockin at my door dont overtake me :( i think i feel myself gettin sick, so ive been doin what i can to ward off the germs i actually almost had a semi-date last saturday (! lol its very anticlimactic, i promise) but i cancelled cause i wasnt feelin good. so here's hopin my health picks up, cause there's nobody here to take care of me if it dont :(
i miss my mama nem
stephanie mills looked kinda like a drag queen. but i digress.
i dont think i have anything else pertinent to say.
punk ass dre, i hope ur frankenstein head feels better :( and thanks again for the flowers! i am reminded of this because remember when i was gonna try to dry two of them? yeah, that didnt go so good. and i just recently found the flowers still in the oven :( lol but i just wanted to say thanks again
he was born with a parasite a fast growing hunger in his heart and his pockets & when he dreamed his eyes filled his whole face & his eyes with filled with stars none of them named after me
i have never known a sky as lonely as tonight
all i have to give him is the world and everything in it twice over
but where do u find fire brighter than sun? how do i compete with a galaxy?
i dont mean romance as in flower petals on the bedsheets and my favorite flower being sent to me at work.
but unbridled hope in the face of what by all measures seems to be a hopeless cause, a ferocious clinging to that 1% chance that if you just pray hard enough, u can will the ship to stay afloat.
over the yrs ive watched some ppl close to me become cynical and pretty much hopeless when it comes to most matters in life. i have to say that it's not very attractive, and its definitely not something i want for myself. but i do admit, tho, when i was younger, i was far brighter, sunnier, and optimistic than i am now. and that's common and inevitable. we're all like that until we've actually lived life and have seen that it's not always strawberries, kittens, and rainbows. still, though, i cannot help but hold out for the story book ending, even after hoping has hurt me so much in the past.
hope for the best, prepare for the worst. ive said that that's going to be my game plan from here on out. but, i dont prepare for the worst so much as i fear it, and hoping for the best typically turns into wishing. both are counterproductive, i think. living in fear isnt really living at all, and when u wish for something in hopes of getting it, it typically leads into waiting until you *do* get whatever it is. and a life spent waiting isnt really a life at all, is it?
im at a crossroads. i dont want to let bad experiences get the best of me and sour me on life. i want to be stronger than that. i wish everyone was stronger than that. but at the same time i dont want to hope and hold out for things that may never come because i dont want to set myself up to be let down again.
i obsess over things these days. i hold in one eye a picture perfect existence, and to my romantic eye it seems perfectly logical and attainable. yet they remain spinning wrecklessly in a space above my hands, and i just don't understand why, so i think abt them and think abt them and think abt them, as if i devote enough of my personal time and energy to it, the answers will reveal themselves
assuming that it's answers i even need in the first place i hate open doors i cant walk away and leave them that way right now, i cant think of a single closed door in my life im babbling lol like i havent been babbling the whole time but anyway, maybe i dont know what i need.
i think i do need hopefulness though. that's what helps us get through the day without our necks breaking beneath the pressure of being beneath life's foot. i need hopeful ppl around me so that i dont feel like the only idiot with her head in the clouds abt every damn thing.
but, i need hopefulness without delusion; i need hopefulness while keeping my feet steadfastly on level ground. is that possible? can u have ur head in the clouds & ur feet on the ground?
i dunno.
all i know is that there's still a candle burning in my theoretical window and as of now, it's done nothing but singe the curtains; it makes me wait when i know i shldnt be waiting and it makes me wish for things that im 99% sure arent meant for me and wont come to me.
any other time, it'd be inspiring. but when its hurting you, it makes u never want to believe in anything ever again.
this is not strictly abt love but it includes it
i prolly sound gloomy, but im not. im confused. that's the theme so far this yr. ive been nothin but confused abt the majority of things going on. i just need to know how to strike that balance. romance, in spite of what some ppl believe, isnt stupid. its not a total waste. its can be a lifesaver.
it was cool. got to go home for a whole week. got sick/had an allergy attack christmas day that im still trying to shoo out of my system.
the flight in to louisville was a motherfucker. my flight out of philly was delayed two hours, so i missed my connecting flight in cincinatti and another one wasnt leaving until like 6, 7 the next morning. i was PISSED. cincy is only a couple of hrs away from louisville, and the flight was 40 hours.. i was not excited about sleeping in an airport for either of those options.
moms cldnt come get me. pops was busy. i missed the last bus out of cincy to louisville by like 30 minutes.
thankfully, my friend sean was giving/insane enough to make the drive up to pick me up and drive me home.
its dope to know ppl who will do things like that for you.
it was good to be at home. it was kind of sobering, though; more than anything it was a reminder that im not a kid anymore, that im growing older, more adult, and more mature every day, and quicker by the second, it seems. the thrill of christmas is largely gone, and fading; it was exhausting for me and felt more like a chore at times than a celebration. but, overall, i had a very good time being with family i rarely see and those i see more often; it felt good to be surrounded with ppl who wanted to be near me. it reminded me how lonely philadelphia is. i definitely was not ready to come back here.
i also realized exactly how bad my granny has gotten. she can barely walk anymore. her speech hasnt gotten any better. she's more depressed than she ever has been, and--here's the one thing i never fully believed--her mind really has suffered. my mother has always talked abt how senile she's getting; i never believed it. she's always had such a sharp mind, and she's always been the type to feign slow-wittedness/helplessness at times to get ppl to feel sympathy for her or do things for her.
after spending this week with her, i finally see that's not the case.
she likely won't get any better. i feel so sad and horrible for her, and for my mother, too, who is killing herself trying to take care of this woman and keep her out of a nursing home, because she's convinced that if she puts her mother in a nursing home, she'll die. literally. and she may be right.
sigh. i wish i cld help her. both of them. i wish i cld just fix everything. i feel so guilty being here living well, nice job, enjoying free time (though it's not much anymore), while stress and frustration are threatening the home base.
its depressing to know that i cant control the situation. but, im learning to be flexible; sean and i started a novel awhile ago (and by started, i mean that he began it and i never followed through with my part)... in it, he wrote that his main character wears a rubber band around his wrist to remind him to be flexible. i thought that was kinda dope, so from then on, ive been keeping one around my wrist too. it helps. it helps with anxiety over not being able to control some things; it doesnt make me feel good abt not being able to control them, though, if that makes sense.
its hard to get used to. i hate it when things are out of my hands. and it seems like everything is these days.
and maybe they always have been; the emptier my hands get, the more i wonder how full they were in the first place.. today, i cant tell sometimes if im becoming resigned or just cynical or if im honestly lifting my palms to the sky for a final blessing of their contents & then turning them over with faith in where the pieces will fall. i wonder about your palms. i wonder how sturdy they were back then; i wonder if they were as full as your heart was and i wonder what happened that made them so slick. i feel like.. i dunno, like if u wld have just told me, i cld have helped u hold on; the very first moment u felt that seed in your hands, if u wld have just told me then, i cld have helped you throw it out before it had a chance to take root and rot. i wish u wld have talked to me. i wonder what our hands wld feel like today.
but yeah. out of my hands. im getting better at dealing with that. *tugs on rubber band*
so anyway. i didnt want to come back to philly. it wld be the first new year's eve that id spend alone and i was NOT at all looking forward to it for a lot of reasons that i dont care to dig up again. i was worried that i'd be anxious abt some things and just have a miserable time, but im honestly pleased with the way i handled things. i flew back in town on the 29th. the morning of the 30th, i woke up at 8:30 and got to cleaning up my place, top to bottom, floors and everything. i didnt want to go into 2007 with any more dirt and baggage and remnants than i had to. and it makes/made sitting inside far more enjoyable and less stressful.
later that night, i went to go see a movie in jersey with someone i was hoping wld be a potential friend. boy was i wrong. that likely wont be happening again. still, it was good to be up and out and moving and not thinking abt things i didnt want to think about.
the next day, new yr's eve, i took some time and totally pampered myself.. long shower, shaved all my body hair (finally, lol it had been so long, im ashamed) ... manicure, pedicure, got sexy, threw on some heels and just looked in the mirror and felt really good about what i saw for awhile. i had been invited to a couple of places, but i wasnt really feeling much like celebrating. so, i took myself to the movies to see 'dreamgirls.' it started at 9:50 and let out 7 minutes into the new year. i made some calls, sent some text messages. thought about stopping at a bar or something, somewhere with some noise and people to talk to. but, it was late and i decided id rather be at home, so i walked back through the streets of west philly just as fine as i cld be, praying that none of the gunshots ringing around my head would ring too close.
came home, climbed in the bed, had a glass of wine, fell asleep about 1, 1:30 and slept very, very well.
truth be told, im not a party girl. it was lonely as shit, but i enjoyed the night, and wldnt mind spending next new year's eve like that. only with someone else, cuddled up on the couch with a bottle of wine and the remote, flippin thru the different new yr's eve celebrations.. talkin abt the old year, plannin for the next one.. sharin a smooch as the ball drops, then maybe another glass of wine before retiring.
i am so lonely these days. lonelier than i think i have ever been in this city. i cant allow myself to live like this forever. ive been thinking about moving home lately. i swore off moving back home awhile a go because i dont want to feel like im tucking my tail between my legs and running back because things here were too much for me. and im not doing that.. i want to stay here. i want things to be good enough for me here for me to stay here. but if they're not, man.. time is ticking. gotta do what's best for me.
i feel sort of... i dunno. horribly lonely, lol and oddly, that loneliness makes me not want to be around or talk to anybody right now, so im done with the net for the night and im just gonna hop in the shower and go to bed.
