ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

7.30.2003

went to the Jazz Factory last nite.

i'm fillin in as hostess there for a few days. my aunt & her girlfriend are the chef's there, & the gf called me the day before yessaday--monday, when i was feelin like shit--& was like

'do u want a job hostessing for about 2 weeks?'

i had planned on goin downtown & seein about a gig that i seen in the paper, one that i'da rather done than hostessing. i hate hostessing. i did it for awhile while i was in high school at this bullshit ass place called Deke's Marketplace Grill & Bar. the customers were rude. the servers were ruder. & my supervisor was a bitch to put it nicely.

the biggest problem i (&any other hostess, i'd imagine) run into when hostessing is makin sure that the servers working all get a fair stream of customers in their areas. they live basically on tips, so they wanna make sure they get plenny folks & if they don't feel like they've been gettin as much or more than the other servers? true color comes out. i got bitched at so much by servers at Deke's for not rotating correctly or whatever but really, u just cain't make evrybody happy. u put a couple in one server's area & the other two complain.

so i wasn't lookin forward to that last nite, but i was like, u know what
i'm only here 2 weeks. ima be as fair as i can & beyond that, they can hate me if they wanna.

i was posed to get there at 5 but was a few minutes late. my moms came to pick me up & she gave me the whole 'is that what you're wearing?' speech & i hadda change. but i get there & ken, the owner showed me the ropes as best he cld. the rest i just lernt as i went.

i took a liking to a server named danielle; she was the first server there & the first to introduce herself to me. she was also the only server of the 3 to thank me for giving them servers when i noticed their areas getting light & bussing their tables when they were a lil too full. that shit ain't even in my job description but i did it anywho, jus bein helpful.

i was let off at like 11:30 & danielle came to say g'nite.

'you did an AWESOME job today! i just told ken that you're the best hostess we've had here, seriously; it's the first time we've EVER had a GOOD rotation and it's only ur first day hostessing. thank you so much!'

later ken was like 'danielle is in love w/ u.'

lol
she's a good chick.

i ran into mike b last nite. i didn't know who he was until he introduced himself, tho; he was there to meet some music exec or sumthin & came to the hostess station to use the phone. evrything about him felt familiar, but he was just a typical blk dude. late 30s & thin; dark skin, small 'fro. had that lovely urban ky blk man vernacular, somethin i've come to appreciate livin here.

he was leaving and he came back. i think he said i look familiar or sumthin, & then he went on to tell me about a new poetry spot he opened up on 18th & muhammed. once he said poetry & really listened to his voice, i placed his face; i'd seen him read at the java house the few times i was there before they closed it down. i'd read there once & i think he was there then, but he didn't really remember me.

'do u write?'

that's how i knew he didn't remember me.

anyway, he said that they read there evry saturday nite at 9 & that he needed a female poet to feature. i graciously declined; i don't think i have enuff stuff for a 30 minute set & plus im still a punk when it comes to reading. i won't have to work that nite tho, so i do wanna go & check the joint out. maybe see if britt wants to roll.

yeah, i'm not workin saturday nite.
or friday.
or saturday.
they're closed sunday & monday.
and i'm not workin tuesday either.

apparently the other chick is available for those days. im thinkin it was gonna be 2 weeks straight, y'know? fuckers is fuckin w/ my money.

but whatever. at least i'll be gettin a lil bitta change & that's better'n nuthin.


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|~| trace 7/30/2003 01:15:00 PM

7.28.2003

somebody hates me.

i just typed out another big ass long ass emotional ass entry about me talkin to my granny earlier & lost it some fuckin way. after which, i threw myself across my bed, screamed into my pillow & cried til i was dizzy & hiccuppin.

if i find it, i'll post it. i can't re-do it all, but i gotta try. i can't carry this shit around w/ me all day.
----------
my granny toddled in my room awhile ago. she sat on the edge of my bed w/ her ritual cup of cold coffee & asked me-

'tracy, are u happy livin in this house? or do u wanna move?'

my instinctive & honest answer to that is no, im not happy livin in this house w/ the way things are. but i didn't wanna tell her that & make her feel worse than she already does. i told her that yes, i wanted to move, but not necessarily outta the house, but out of this city. outta this state. which is true, so i didn't lie to her, just didn't tell her the full truth.

it was basically a repeat of the conversation she & i had in the storage closet on the night that my mama told her how unhappy she is in this house. i tried again to tell her what i think the problem is--my mama needs & wants her own space & wants to leave but can't b/c my granny can't stay by herself, that all that creates tension & frustration that manifests in trivial shit around the house (ie gettin mad at granny for movin ppl's shit & puttin it where they can't find it).

she went on to tell me that she doesn't know what she's done wrong, that she just wants the house to be happy, lamenting the life she feels she's wasted. she cried silently the whole time she spoke. i let her. she needs someone to talk to & listen to her cause to carry that kinda sorrow & depression around is just like poisoning urself. i love her, so i listen to her, no matter how much it hurts me to hear say the things she says. she has to talk to someone who knows firsthand what things are like in this house, & she and my mama don't talk for real, so. that leaves me. & my mama's the same way, so i try to listen to her too. so much stress & drama... it's really starting to get to me cause i feel like both of them are lookin to me to either fix the shit or pick a side. i can't do either.

this was the most painful 15 minutes i've ever experienced. i hate this shit, man... she's coming to me, askin me a buncha questions that i just don't have the answers to. what do we need to do to fix this? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know what to do. my grandmother is ready to die. she tells me this without saying a word in evryother breath she takes.

yo, do u know how draining that is? to have to sit and watch ur grandmother, ur pillar of strength sit at the edge of ur bed crying & crumbling?

she told me that she knows im not happy by the way i stay holed up in my room all the time. she says i'm a young woman & shld be out & about, which is true. she says that's one of the things that hurts her most; knowin im not happy.

the bottom line is that my mama & granny need to talk this over. they both need to try to understand where the other is comin from & come to a fair consensus. there *is* a middle ground but they won't find it if they won't be considerate of the other. & i'm not pickin sides in this. i don't think my mama shld have to stay here w/ her, but at the same time i don't think she shld have to give up her house, the thing she's worked so hard for, the thing she's proud of most.

if i cld wave a magic wand and repair this house, god knows i wld in a heartbeat. but i can't. i can't fix this by myself, man.

*peeks up at heaven*

I SAID I CAIN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF!!!!!

nate said he was gonna pray for us. he's a good man; if *i* can't get thru to whoever's up there, maybe he can.

she stood up to leave & i grabbed her by her arm & held her & told her that evrything was gonna be okay, that we'd fix what's wrong & that we'd all be happy again. i didn't make any promises tho; i don't like not being able to deliver & quite frankly, i dunno what's gonna happy.

i told her i loved her. then she left & i was gonna close my door so i cld cry or scream or whatever, but i left it open, just in case she needed me.



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|~| trace 7/28/2003 01:27:00 PM

7.26.2003

this is long & unhappy.

all those w/ short attention spans turn back now.

i don't really feel like talking or writing about this right now but i need to or i'll never sleep or smile for the rest of the night.

this house is a rest haven for tension & it's creating a lot of negative energy that i no one in this house needs right now. i have the sinking feeling that we're all approaching a breaking point & i feel helpless because i simply don't know what to do about it. this is one of the worst feelings in the world.

my mother has lived with her mother, my grandmother, her entire life. entire life. that's over 45 yrs. i'm guessing that moms stayed w/ granny cause she got pregnant at 20 yrs old & cldn't raise her son alone. after him comes me. my granny helped raise us while she worked, and now that we're all at a point where she doesn't need this living situation for her children anymore, my granny needs us.

my granny is a hard woman. tough, mean, crass, insensitive; cusses like a sailor & smells like hell a lot of the time. she can drink sour milk without a second thought and eats stuff even a hog wld turn down. she's tacky (unless she's dressing for church, then she's sharp as a tack), she's nosy, and has little to no respect for other ppl's feelings, personal space, privacy or property. she's hard headed, stubborn and will criticize you til u actually lay down to go to sleep just so u don't have to listen to her biting words & insults.

and she's also fatally independent. she loves the house she's worked so hard to keep. loves yard work, cooking (even though her skills have diminished considerably with time), and working with her hands. and she loves to walk, getting up & going downtown, coming and going as she pleases. these are all things she can't do anymore because of her health, and this is where the independence becomes fatal--she simply can't let go and accept the fact that her body won't allow a lot of the things that she loves. the bottom line is that right now, she simply cannot live on her own. my mother understandably wants to get out of this frustrating situation, but then what? what about grams? none of her other 5 children are exactly jumping at the chance to come stay with her & there's no way she'd ever agree to a nursing home or assisted living. she's worked too hard for what she has to just walk away from it, or to give up, as she sees it.

my granny keeps this house looking kinda like a junk yard. i said earlier that she's tacky, and she is; she does shit like lay newspaper on the floor in front of the back door, i guess to keep from tracking dirt into the house. her intentions are good, but it looks bad. she finds old rugs & pieces of furniture in alleys & drags it home because she thinks 'it is thee PURTIEST thang' (<- she says that a lot about lots of things). my granny can find the beauty in any piece of trash and as poetic as that is, it's a hassle sometimes.

man
i dunno. to make a long, sad, heart-wrenching, frustrating story short, my family is fuckin falling apart and i dunno how to fix it.

my mama wants to leave but she can't leave my granny here alone. she just can't. it's really starting to get to her, and i think that frustration is being translated to anger. so, she snaps at my granny & they fight all the time. the reason she can't leave her here in this house by herself is b/c she's worried that she'll hurt herself, which is completely possible. but my granny doesn't understand this. she says that if she wants to leave, she can leave cause she just wants her happy. but it's not that simple, and i tried to tell her that today, but she just won't/can't accept the fact that she can't live alone anymore.

this evening my mother told my granny that she just can't do this anymore. she told her that she was just too hard to live with and that some other arrangements are gonna hafta be made.

my granny does not wanna leave this house. it's her pride & her joy & it wld break MY heart to see her have to leave. but u know what? she said she'd do it cause she wants my mama happy. man, my moms really pisses me off sometimes cause she just can't/won't take the time to understand where my granny's comin from, why she is the way she is & does the things she does. i feel like im stuck in the middle, y'know? im the only one that can see both sides, but shit that doesn't mean anything because neither side will listen to me when i try to tell them about the other. i talked to my granny today after all this went down to try & make her understand how my mama's feeling (since she can't do it without making her feel bad). pushin on a brick wall. that's exactly what it was like.

i guess i'll try & talk to my mama tomorrow. not looking forward to that.

i'm tired of praying over this, man. we're good ppl & we don't deserve to hurt this way. situations like this always make me question my faith..

there's so much that i'm leavin out but my mind's tired & i miss my baby.


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|~| trace 7/26/2003 12:48:00 AM

7.25.2003

true story.

the sun had already been up for hours but they lay alone in the room, curtains drawn tight, feigning night hours well after 1 pm.

the excitement of the night before had clung to her in sleep & slipped into her subconscious in the sighs he sighed close to her ear as he slept. the scenes they'd shared replayed in sepia tones--her hands on his knees; his shoulders beneath her thighs; her forehead resting just below his navel. she entered that phase of sleep where the body remains paralyzed while the mind jumps to consciousness-

still sleeping, she felt her breath quicken...
still sleeping, she felt the space between her legs slicken..

and she thought she felt his fingers tiptoeing from the top of her knee upwards but before she could call it, she drifted away again, lost in the mental movie of she & her lover tangled in each other.

when next she woke, she found that her hips had reached consciousness before her and were rolling soft against his leg, pressed firmly b/t hers.

goodmorning. she looked over her shoulder & smiled at him.

'goodmorning..'

part 2 of last night's scene began with the kiss that followed. reaching back, she grabbed the upper portion of his thigh and squeezed softly, drawing him closer. feeling him harden against the soft flesh of her cheeks sent small bolts of lightning thru her abdomen and this was more than simply sexual.

he was so much more
than sex to her

& she strove to prove that to him each time she looked into his eyes when she took him into her mouth, each time she massaged his scalp as she pulled at his hair and dug her nails into his hips and told him she loved him even with clothes on cause she meant it

she meant
evrymovement she made
w/ him

each orgasm was a love letter
always returned to the sender

before she left him she tucked a handful of his girlish whimpers in the left cup of her bra. another handful she buried in her back right pocket & beneath his tongue she slipped a picture that she had burned into the back of her mind, the two of them sleeping naked in each other's arms, hiding from the sunlight of the approaching day.

she blew kisses at him as he watched her leave and tasted him on her fingertips.

even now the skin of her wrists becomes sensitive when she remembers his grip as he held her arms firm to the bed, and she can't look at her hands to pray without feeling his mouth pressed soft against the bend of her neck.

...

..and christians say u can't love & lust in the same breath.
ha.


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|~| trace 7/25/2003 12:44:00 AM

7.23.2003

im gettin restless again.

i was a little glad to be back home after my 4, 5 days in philly (emphasis on *little*). that was like a week & some change ago & i noticed today that i've officially fallen into the same fuckin rut. wake up late, shower, sit around in my room. day in & day out. that's my life & it makes me nauseous. it's just one big ass catch 22-

don't have a job cause ain't noooooobody hirin.
in the house 24/7 cause there's nowhere to go in this city & i don't even have a job to get me out the house.
can't go outta state cause i don't have any money.
don't have any money cause i don't have a job.
don't have a life for each of the above reasons.

sucks, man.
i am frustrated woman epiphanized.

is epihanized a word? if it ain't i just created one.
..think webster wld pay me for it?

yeah, me neither.
bitches.

anyway
i sat in the house today until almost 4. hit the bus stop at like 4 minutes til, waitin on the 21 bound for downtown. i really didn't have a plan of action; i was just gon go sit on 4th street for awhile, possibly catch a movie, & then just walk the 3+ miles home. the sky was menacing all day, and i was gonna stay home on the off-chance that it wld start. but then i was like u know what?

fuck it.
if i stay in this house today ima blow it up.

but there hadn't been a piece of rain that whole day, so i left the house w/ my umbrella & a prayer in my pocket that the waterworks wld hold off til i made it back home. went to 4th street & sat for awhile, finished the letter i started last week then headed west on broadway towards 35th.

i love walking home from downtown. i always lose myself in thought & the time just flies by; by the time i reach 22nd street i'm welcoming a slight burning in my lungs & a soreness in my thighs that i've grown to appreciate.

i thought about lotsa stuff while i was out today. my life (or lack thereof), my future. love. where i've been & where i'm goin. asked myself a lotta questions i don't have the answer to rite now.

britt called me today. i haven't spoken to her too much this summer & when she called today, she sounded so grown. i think it's cause she had a cold; i may have been the post-nasal drip thang she had goin on. but i was talkin to her & she's talkin bout her boyfriend comin up this weekend to help her paint her mama's house, and she's not gonna go straight to grad school after graduation cause she wants some time to live on her own and 'be grown' as she said, doin sumthin other than sittin in her house writing papers for a living. i bet when i'm packin up & gettin ready to go to school wherever i'm headed to, she'll be moving into her own apartment, probably w/ her guyfriend.

she's always seemed more open to change than me & that's something that i'm admittedly jealous of.

i mean
here i am, 21 yrs old, technically a grown ass woman (almost) and still livin the life i was livin when i was 17. in my room watchin tv, talkin bad about ppl's weaves. this shit is old, chief. ashy, rusty.. alla that.

it's time to make some changes & god willin, they'll be made before i get my release papers from the wardens @ school.

i dunno, man
i know that i wanna be sumthin great, y'know? maybe not to millions & millions of ppl but i wanna make somebody smile doin whatever it is im destined to do. i wanna make my ppls proud & please myself. and i wanna be sumthin good to somebody else, in a biblical sense if u feel what im tellin u. i just feel like i have so much to offer. im just tryna get myself in a position to shake whatever it is that's holdin me & give freely.

i have a mark to leave
on somebody's canvas
but the crayons i got
ain't strong enuff yet

im working on upgrading to pastels. & then?
then come the oils, baby. im tryna be a painter that'll put van goh's punk ass to shame.

confused yet?

good.
me too.

and yo
if anybody readin this wants to hook me up w/ a better lookin template
holl@me!


0 comments
|~| trace 7/23/2003 09:56:00 PM

7.22.2003

so the 3rd time's supposed to be a charm, right?

i've tried twice already to keep a steadily updated journal & both times i lost interest within the week. granted i was in school & actually had a life at the time, so maybe now that i do nuthing but sit in the house & eat i can devote myself to creating literary memories.

this'll come in handy when i finally sit down to write my life story. aside from curing my boredom, this is actually the main reason for startin up this thingamajigg; lotsa stuff happens to me in life that i'm scared i'll forget, little things that maybe aren't big enuff to hold place in my lil memory banks. i like to pay attention to stuff like that. so ideally, this will help me hold on to them just in case i'll need them later in the course of penning 'Good God, Mama, Don't Spill Them Greens!: The Life and Times of Pookie Jawnsun.'

this will be held as a working script.

now in a perfect world i'd write freely regardless of who'd see my meager lil words, but even now i kinda have an idea of who will be reading this hurr journal thing. i don't want to compromise my words, but i mean i'm writing for an audience whether i want to or not. i'll be as total & truthful as possible tho.

so
an introduction:

i'm tracy. i'm a pseudo-poet from kentucky
i'm 21
i'm broke & without a job
i have a horrid case of cabin fever
i'm a funny motherfucker when i wanna be

& i'll be ur protagonist in this lil shindig.

get used to the cast of characters:

-my mama - 40 sumthin frustrated & irritated hostage in a home w/ a fickle ol lady
-my granny - our elderly antagonist & said fickle ol lady in question
-waterhead - eldest brother, occasional comic relief
-doofus - the paternal unit
-the love interest - *swoons*

cause u'll be readin a lot about em.
supporting roles to be identified at time of appearance.

i know that visually this joint looks like shit. u'll hafta gimmie a minute cause i don't be knowin this computer stuff the way i be frontin i do.

welp, guess that's about it!
act I starts whenever i feel like it.

hov!


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|~| trace 7/22/2003 04:04:00 PM
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