i was a little glad to be back home after my 4, 5 days in philly (emphasis on *little*). that was like a week & some change ago & i noticed today that i've officially fallen into the same fuckin rut. wake up late, shower, sit around in my room. day in & day out. that's my life & it makes me nauseous. it's just one big ass catch 22-
don't have a job cause ain't noooooobody hirin.
in the house 24/7 cause there's nowhere to go in this city & i don't even have a job to get me out the house.
can't go outta state cause i don't have any money.
don't have any money cause i don't have a job.
don't have a life for each of the above reasons.
sucks, man.
i am frustrated woman epiphanized.
is epihanized a word? if it ain't i just created one.
..think webster wld pay me for it?
yeah, me neither.
bitches.
anyway
i sat in the house today until almost 4. hit the bus stop at like 4 minutes til, waitin on the 21 bound for downtown. i really didn't have a plan of action; i was just gon go sit on 4th street for awhile, possibly catch a movie, & then just walk the 3+ miles home. the sky was menacing all day, and i was gonna stay home on the off-chance that it wld start. but then i was like u know what?
fuck it.
if i stay in this house today ima blow it up.
but there hadn't been a piece of rain that whole day, so i left the house w/ my umbrella & a prayer in my pocket that the waterworks wld hold off til i made it back home. went to 4th street & sat for awhile, finished the letter i started last week then headed west on broadway towards 35th.
i love walking home from downtown. i always lose myself in thought & the time just flies by; by the time i reach 22nd street i'm welcoming a slight burning in my lungs & a soreness in my thighs that i've grown to appreciate.
i thought about lotsa stuff while i was out today. my life (or lack thereof), my future. love. where i've been & where i'm goin. asked myself a lotta questions i don't have the answer to rite now.
britt called me today. i haven't spoken to her too much this summer & when she called today, she sounded so grown. i think it's cause she had a cold; i may have been the post-nasal drip thang she had goin on. but i was talkin to her & she's talkin bout her boyfriend comin up this weekend to help her paint her mama's house, and she's not gonna go straight to grad school after graduation cause she wants some time to live on her own and 'be grown' as she said, doin sumthin other than sittin in her house writing papers for a living. i bet when i'm packin up & gettin ready to go to school wherever i'm headed to, she'll be moving into her own apartment, probably w/ her guyfriend.
she's always seemed more open to change than me & that's something that i'm admittedly jealous of.
i mean
here i am, 21 yrs old, technically a grown ass woman (almost) and still livin the life i was livin when i was 17. in my room watchin tv, talkin bad about ppl's weaves. this shit is old, chief. ashy, rusty.. alla that.
it's time to make some changes & god willin, they'll be made before i get my release papers from the wardens @ school.
i dunno, man
i know that i wanna be sumthin great, y'know? maybe not to millions & millions of ppl but i wanna make somebody smile doin whatever it is im destined to do. i wanna make my ppls proud & please myself. and i wanna be sumthin good to somebody else, in a biblical sense if u feel what im tellin u. i just feel like i have so much to offer. im just tryna get myself in a position to shake whatever it is that's holdin me & give freely.
i have a mark to leave
on somebody's canvas
but the crayons i got
ain't strong enuff yet
im working on upgrading to pastels. & then?
then come the oils, baby. im tryna be a painter that'll put van goh's punk ass to shame.
confused yet?
good.
me too.
and yo
if anybody readin this wants to hook me up w/ a better lookin template
holl@me!
