i just typed out another big ass long ass emotional ass entry about me talkin to my granny earlier & lost it some fuckin way. after which, i threw myself across my bed, screamed into my pillow & cried til i was dizzy & hiccuppin.
if i find it, i'll post it. i can't re-do it all, but i gotta try. i can't carry this shit around w/ me all day.
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my granny toddled in my room awhile ago. she sat on the edge of my bed w/ her ritual cup of cold coffee & asked me-
'tracy, are u happy livin in this house? or do u wanna move?'
my instinctive & honest answer to that is no, im not happy livin in this house w/ the way things are. but i didn't wanna tell her that & make her feel worse than she already does. i told her that yes, i wanted to move, but not necessarily outta the house, but out of this city. outta this state. which is true, so i didn't lie to her, just didn't tell her the full truth.
it was basically a repeat of the conversation she & i had in the storage closet on the night that my mama told her how unhappy she is in this house. i tried again to tell her what i think the problem is--my mama needs & wants her own space & wants to leave but can't b/c my granny can't stay by herself, that all that creates tension & frustration that manifests in trivial shit around the house (ie gettin mad at granny for movin ppl's shit & puttin it where they can't find it).
she went on to tell me that she doesn't know what she's done wrong, that she just wants the house to be happy, lamenting the life she feels she's wasted. she cried silently the whole time she spoke. i let her. she needs someone to talk to & listen to her cause to carry that kinda sorrow & depression around is just like poisoning urself. i love her, so i listen to her, no matter how much it hurts me to hear say the things she says. she has to talk to someone who knows firsthand what things are like in this house, & she and my mama don't talk for real, so. that leaves me. & my mama's the same way, so i try to listen to her too. so much stress & drama... it's really starting to get to me cause i feel like both of them are lookin to me to either fix the shit or pick a side. i can't do either.
this was the most painful 15 minutes i've ever experienced. i hate this shit, man... she's coming to me, askin me a buncha questions that i just don't have the answers to. what do we need to do to fix this? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know what to do. my grandmother is ready to die. she tells me this without saying a word in evryother breath she takes.
yo, do u know how draining that is? to have to sit and watch ur grandmother, ur pillar of strength sit at the edge of ur bed crying & crumbling?
she told me that she knows im not happy by the way i stay holed up in my room all the time. she says i'm a young woman & shld be out & about, which is true. she says that's one of the things that hurts her most; knowin im not happy.
the bottom line is that my mama & granny need to talk this over. they both need to try to understand where the other is comin from & come to a fair consensus. there *is* a middle ground but they won't find it if they won't be considerate of the other. & i'm not pickin sides in this. i don't think my mama shld have to stay here w/ her, but at the same time i don't think she shld have to give up her house, the thing she's worked so hard for, the thing she's proud of most.
if i cld wave a magic wand and repair this house, god knows i wld in a heartbeat. but i can't. i can't fix this by myself, man.
*peeks up at heaven*
I SAID I CAIN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF!!!!!
nate said he was gonna pray for us. he's a good man; if *i* can't get thru to whoever's up there, maybe he can.
she stood up to leave & i grabbed her by her arm & held her & told her that evrything was gonna be okay, that we'd fix what's wrong & that we'd all be happy again. i didn't make any promises tho; i don't like not being able to deliver & quite frankly, i dunno what's gonna happy.
i told her i loved her. then she left & i was gonna close my door so i cld cry or scream or whatever, but i left it open, just in case she needed me.
