i don't really feel like talking or writing about this right now but i need to or i'll never sleep or smile for the rest of the night.
this house is a rest haven for tension & it's creating a lot of negative energy that i no one in this house needs right now. i have the sinking feeling that we're all approaching a breaking point & i feel helpless because i simply don't know what to do about it. this is one of the worst feelings in the world.
my mother has lived with her mother, my grandmother, her entire life. entire life. that's over 45 yrs. i'm guessing that moms stayed w/ granny cause she got pregnant at 20 yrs old & cldn't raise her son alone. after him comes me. my granny helped raise us while she worked, and now that we're all at a point where she doesn't need this living situation for her children anymore, my granny needs us.
my granny is a hard woman. tough, mean, crass, insensitive; cusses like a sailor & smells like hell a lot of the time. she can drink sour milk without a second thought and eats stuff even a hog wld turn down. she's tacky (unless she's dressing for church, then she's sharp as a tack), she's nosy, and has little to no respect for other ppl's feelings, personal space, privacy or property. she's hard headed, stubborn and will criticize you til u actually lay down to go to sleep just so u don't have to listen to her biting words & insults.
and she's also fatally independent. she loves the house she's worked so hard to keep. loves yard work, cooking (even though her skills have diminished considerably with time), and working with her hands. and she loves to walk, getting up & going downtown, coming and going as she pleases. these are all things she can't do anymore because of her health, and this is where the independence becomes fatal--she simply can't let go and accept the fact that her body won't allow a lot of the things that she loves. the bottom line is that right now, she simply cannot live on her own. my mother understandably wants to get out of this frustrating situation, but then what? what about grams? none of her other 5 children are exactly jumping at the chance to come stay with her & there's no way she'd ever agree to a nursing home or assisted living. she's worked too hard for what she has to just walk away from it, or to give up, as she sees it.
my granny keeps this house looking kinda like a junk yard. i said earlier that she's tacky, and she is; she does shit like lay newspaper on the floor in front of the back door, i guess to keep from tracking dirt into the house. her intentions are good, but it looks bad. she finds old rugs & pieces of furniture in alleys & drags it home because she thinks 'it is thee PURTIEST thang' (<- she says that a lot about lots of things). my granny can find the beauty in any piece of trash and as poetic as that is, it's a hassle sometimes.
man
i dunno. to make a long, sad, heart-wrenching, frustrating story short, my family is fuckin falling apart and i dunno how to fix it.
my mama wants to leave but she can't leave my granny here alone. she just can't. it's really starting to get to her, and i think that frustration is being translated to anger. so, she snaps at my granny & they fight all the time. the reason she can't leave her here in this house by herself is b/c she's worried that she'll hurt herself, which is completely possible. but my granny doesn't understand this. she says that if she wants to leave, she can leave cause she just wants her happy. but it's not that simple, and i tried to tell her that today, but she just won't/can't accept the fact that she can't live alone anymore.
this evening my mother told my granny that she just can't do this anymore. she told her that she was just too hard to live with and that some other arrangements are gonna hafta be made.
my granny does not wanna leave this house. it's her pride & her joy & it wld break MY heart to see her have to leave. but u know what? she said she'd do it cause she wants my mama happy. man, my moms really pisses me off sometimes cause she just can't/won't take the time to understand where my granny's comin from, why she is the way she is & does the things she does. i feel like im stuck in the middle, y'know? im the only one that can see both sides, but shit that doesn't mean anything because neither side will listen to me when i try to tell them about the other. i talked to my granny today after all this went down to try & make her understand how my mama's feeling (since she can't do it without making her feel bad). pushin on a brick wall. that's exactly what it was like.
i guess i'll try & talk to my mama tomorrow. not looking forward to that.
i'm tired of praying over this, man. we're good ppl & we don't deserve to hurt this way. situations like this always make me question my faith..
there's so much that i'm leavin out but my mind's tired & i miss my baby.
