i took my bike for my usual spin around the park today... ive had so much on my mind, & the wind in my face always helps me think, so i went to chickasaw & saw him there. he's an older guy, middle-aged, aaalways at the park. he & his friends are always sittin at a bench along the walk/run/bike trail & evrytime i ride past, he waves, winks, tries to get me to stop & i never do. but im always polite.
he caught me while he was runnin today. i was on my bike & he was like, 'come run w/ me.' i didn't have the energy to smile & refuse politely, so i slowed next to him & finallly spoke to him. (side note: dude has the most gorgeous, delicious lookin male legs ive ever seen. & the thighs? we ain't gon talk about the thighs, all middle-aged & glistenin. lawd.)
he spent most of the time talkin about himself (he reminds me of my daddy in that respect). then he glanced down at my ring finger & saw the wedding band i always wear.
'so u married?'
no. just a ring my mama found. i think it's pretty.
'boyfriend?'
........nah.
'u sure? took u a minute to answer.'
*polite chuckle*
'so what do u do?'
im a student. bout to graduate w/ a degree in blah blah.
'really? what are u gonna do when u finish?'
go back to school.
'where?'
i dunno.
'to do what?'
i dunno.
'well what do u wanna be?'
i dunno.
i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno.
that's my life right now. & it SUCKS. so many ppl i know seem to have their lives fuckin PLANNED. me? im just kinda floatin around accidental-like, on a breeze <-- (c) Forrest Gump
im cravin certainty & some kinda fuckin concreteness, right? but here's the thing?
im too indecisive & basically scared of not hittin the goals i set for myself. so i just don't make them.
like, i'd love to sit down & be like, 'i'm gonna graduate w/ my bachelor of art's degree in english, go on to graduate school to morgan state in baltimore where i'll have a nice apartment, a pretty good job & at the very least *access* to a good blk man worthy of the love im itchin to give to somebody, get my master's in african-american literature & creative writing, maybe later a BA in women's studies if possible, go on to get my doctorate, write some award winnin books & plays, get tenure at a respected institution of higher learning, make maaaaaaaaaad money, raise some beautiful brown babies that'll never ever want for anything & be set for life w/ the love of a good man, good kids & a good god.
i dare not say that to anyone tho. im afraid to claim any of that for myself b/c im so scared it won't happen, either cause i can't make it happen or it just ain't supposed to be. ive always been afraid of failure & that's sumthin about me i really really need to change.
im just so fuckin tired of not knowing, y'know? not knowin where ill end up. not knowin what's waitin for me. im tired of this house. im tired of this city & state & more than half the ppl in my life. im tired of bein alone.
i gotta grow a damn backbone before i can change any of that tho.
*prays for some vertebrae & shit*
