he's stayin in indianapolis now. he's been up there for quite some time... not quite a yr yet, i don't think, but it's been a minute. when he first got there he was teaching GED courses, & now he's doin some kinda work for the salvation army. i think he moved b/c he just needed to get out on his own, which wasn't easy cause he has a growing daughter here who needs her daddy. him leaving cause a lotta tears, both on this end and his, but by & large, i think it was for the better. he's much healthier (emotionally) now than he was when he was here.
i miss his punk ass, man.
i ain't realize how much until me, him, our mama & my neice were all together again.
now before he left here, he'd gained some weight b/c he stopped smokin. it all went to his gut. looked like he was pregnant. but now? maaaaaaaaan his face is gettin all fat, he's growin boobicles, his legs are gettin big. dude's lettin himself go. & of course i told him so evrychance i got--we spent the weekend trading quips & insults, makin up for lost time, i guess.
him: *gettin in the car, puttin on his seat belt*
me: aw, man... i hope somebody got some cocoa butter.
erbody else: y?
me: cause he finna put some stretch marks on that seat belt.
*rimshot*
me: *sittin @ the table of some restaurant* does your food taste funny?
erbody: *shakin heads 'no'*
me: so why does this taste so funny to me?
him: b/c it's human food.
*rimshot*
me: u know what, i cld respond to that, but ima be the bigger person--*looks @ his massively rotund tub of chub*--well, FIGURATIVELY speaking i'ma be the bigger person.
& alla that really means 'i love u' & 'i love u too.'
we got to his house early. it was the first time my mother or i had been there, but my neice had been there once before. she's got a pretty good memory; she pointed out his house way before we cld find where we'd written his street address. he & i are 8 yrs apart. when i was little i never really liked him. that sounds harsh, but it's true, & that's not to say that i didn't love him. i've always loved him, but damn, he used to torture & tease me to the point of tears when i was little. so we've never been the huggy/kissy type; we got in the door & we all got our usual loving greetings from him.
a kiss & a hug for my mama
a kiss & a hug for my neice
& a 'WOAH, it's chewbacca!' for me.
twas all good, tho.
from his house we went to the mall to get some school stuff for my neice, & it was the funniest thing; he gave us a slight tour of the city on the way, but evrything he pointed out was a restaurant.
'they've got the best chicken club ever.'
'this here? best place for italian food.'
all his directions were relative to restaurant locations. child is just fat for no reason.
anyway
we went shoppin & we acted up, all of us. my family is comical folk. constant jokin, slapstick, name callin. it was the best. my neice, as usual, got damn near evrything she wanted. my mama spent way too much money on evrybody--food, gifts, hotel room, etc. & my brother even bought me a lil sumthin; he got me a big ass g-fab belt buckle w/ my name in it. yo, u cain't tell me nuthin when i got that bastards on, man. it's the SHIT.
$70 bucks. i told him he didn't have to, but he did it anyway.
the next day we were supposed to go to my beloved iHOP. yo, matta fack, lemme use this time to gripe about friggin indianapolis. the friggin brickyard 500 was goin on. that damn car race? yeah, that mess. it was approx. 4326083703649865193516 tourists in the city that weekend & i swear, EVRY LAST ONE of them bastards was at iHOP when we got there. ain't that some shit? so i ain't even get no pannacakes.
fuckers.
yo, i can tell u sumthin i really really liked a/b the city even tho i hate indiana w/ evrysingle bone, breath & cell in my body--sunflowers. we rode thru some pretty broken down blk neighborhoods, but i swear to u, evry other yard had the most beautiful sunflowers. it reminded me of when i walked home from downtown thru the 'hood' w/ a bunch of sunflowers & all the compliments blk folk gave me.
i guess blk folk figure they gon touch some sun somehow. that's some beautiful shit, chief.
anyway
we grabbed some food, kicked it for awhile & hit the road at about 2 pm. im leavin out a whole bunch about the trip & the circumstances surrounding, but im gettin tired of writing.
the point of this entry, tho, is this:
i love blk men.
i love blk men & i think my brother is a huge part of the reason why.
i grew up w/ him. granted, i was young when he began to go thru this blk man trials, but i wasn't stupid. i wasn't stupid. i learned from him as he grew. when life & society was throwing evrything it cld in his path to stop him from advancing i looked at him & saw what his struggle was like & my love for him made me wish that i cld do something, anything to make the road smoother. when he came into my room one afternoon & cried into my t-shirt b/c he felt that he had no control over his life, when he tried selling drugs b/c it was the quickest way for a blk man to make money, when he fathered 3 children w/ 3 different women b/c he was looking for something & didn't know what... when he hurt b/c of the hurdles... i hurt w/ him.
i hurt w/ him & i knew that there were millions like him, goin thru the same shit. i remember saying & thinking to myself 'all he needs is a chance.. just one chance.. if he only had a chance..'
so many blk men aren't given chances, man.
& it ain't only hard on yall. your blk mothers & sisters & lovers & wives & daughters & cousins.. we need yall. holdin yall up w/ one hand & fightin our own battles w/ the other is never easy, but we have to.
& i try to glory in doing so. honestly, few things move me the way successful blk men do, be they 5 or 55 yrs old cause i know the odds are stacked so high against them.
no matter how many times i've been treated like shit by men who just happen to be blk, i remember that my brother is a good blk man who deserves a chance & that there are millions like him.
i cherish the male friends i have in my life, at least 3 of whom are prolly reading this rite now.
so blk men, i love yall.
summa yall need to get yall sorry asses together, that i wont' deny.
but hey, in the midst of all the blk men are dogs/blk men ain't shit/blk men just can't control themselves/etc/etc/etc..
at least know that there's a lil brown girl in kentucky pullin fer ya.
