the area code came up 317 & i shlda known what it was, but for whatever reason i drew a blank. so we chit chattin.
where u callin from? a cell phone?
'yuup.'
where is a area code 317? isn't that chicago?
'that shows how much u call me. it's indianapolis.'
he was offened that i don't call him that often. how sweet is that :o)
he'd called to tell me about some writing contest that the editor/founder/whatever of Ebony magazine is havin. 10 thousand dollar prize. as he was tellin me the details, i cld hear some girl in the background reading them off to him. he said he was gonna mail me the rest of the details.
he has so much faith in me and my skills and my interests and my potential, man. and remembering how he & i grew up--we weren't the closets brother & sister in the world.. he teased me a WHOLE lot & i disliked him a lot for it--it means so much. he had a blackplanet page for awhile and he gave me a lil shout out, talkin bout ima be an influential writer or activist one day.
he's proud of me.
that seriously means so much.
i told him i'd buy him a pair of socks if i won the money.
'nah, don't even buy me NOTHIN. u use that money for grad school.'
then we talked about graduate schools for awhile. he wants me to go to chicago since it'd be closer to him than philly or baltimore. he wants to come visit & be able to come to me if i need him.
how fuckin fantastic is he.
after that we talked about books. he just finished my book by mumia.. he said he's gonna send it back to me soon. i told him i'll send him ralph ellison's 'invisible man,' & i think i'll throw in some cd's too.
he's a really good man. i love him a lot & im glad i got em.
he made all theweight of all the shit i was feelin earlier today feel like a feather.
:o)
yo
i think im depressed. if im not it feels like im gettin to be.
im wantin to sleep a lot more often.
haven't really been feelin too pretty..
ive been in a pretty bad mood the past couple days. irritable, unmotivated, just real mad at sumthin & unable to tell exactly what. it's a broken record but this place is so damn cold, y'know? lonely like. i used to wonder a couple yrs ago what it wld be like if i was essentially here @ transy w/o the friendships & connections i'd forged w/ britt & candis & now i think i know. it sucks.
ive eaten evry meal i've had for the past week & a half, maybe 2 weeks by myself. lunch & dinner used to be time to vent & unwind, man.. to laugh out all our frustrations we felt at being here. we were each other's outlet, y'know? now it feel like erbody still has some sorta outlet but me. & what am i doin w/ all this frustration & shit? it's bouncin around offa the walls in my room were i spend 95% of my time. havin my own room is great--i'm pantsless as we speak :o)--but i miss havin a roommate cause i miss just havin somebody to talk to. & laugh with--i dont laugh as much anymore.
how u live right next door to somebody & not see them for days @ a time?
i feel a lil embarrassed, i think, for essentially needin somebody who doesn't seem to need my company anymore cause they've found company elsewhere. ppl grow & change, i guess. *shrugs*
i noticed yesterday that ive grown so accustomed to being by myself that its gettin to the pt now where i don't even wanna be around nobody else. britt stuck her head in the door to say hi last nite (imagine my surprise) while i was writin a journal entry for class. i was kinda unresponsive just cause i wanted to get back to what i was doin. that's terrible, man. nobody shld get used to this kinda shit. it's dangerous.
i shld get away from campus more before it gets too cold, but aside from ambling around downtown, there's nowhere to go. i fell into contact w/ will again.. i hadda call him to get someone else's number in the midst of this step show organizing stuff. he called me back & left a message w/ the number, then he was talkin bout he was gonna call more often now that he has my number & maybe get up & do sumn one day. im down as long as he don't wanna get married no more.. any kinda escape is more than welcome rite now, y'know?
lookin back, im kinda disappointed at the way i've lived these past 3 yrs on campus. i've been so self righteous. i came here tryna be some freedom fighter, wanting to change the world & fully expecting to change this campus. i more than likely made mountains outta molehills on more than one occasion, just to have sumthin to be mad about & fight against. it was really really hard to forge friendships w/ ppl different than me. like, horribly hard. but i never tried as hard as i cld have or shld have & now look @ where i am. i put evrything i had in 2 friends & now that they ain't around, im here sittin by myself. i don't think i regret anything tho. i've learned a lot, if nuthin else.
being blk on this campus, one can never afford to be alone. i think this has translated into me pushin ppl away.
i can't wait to graduate.
so, i've been kinda somber these past few days. i don't like talkin to my mama cause she can always hear it in my voice & i don't want her worryin. i really think that now it's just a matter of me biding my time til im outta here. the days are flying by, for which i'm greatful.
& i try to stay focused on the good stuff i have in my life.
got my health.
got my family.
got good friends in other states that listen to me gripe & bitch & moan.
i kinda sorta got a wonderful man in my life that i'd love to tell the whole entire world about, but i can't/don't for whatever reason. i dunno.. i sometimes feel that im wanting & needing more than the other party in this outfit--these days find me abnormally needy & in turn, embarrasingly insecure. nameless love... sounds like a poem, huh?
speakin of poems
i can't write anymore. i tried the other day & got disgusted.
& look, i'm talkin negative again. shit comes full circle these days.
well
at any rate
it doesn't look like things are gonna change any time soon. it's gettin hard to concentrate amidst all the work my professors are throwin at me, but im tryna stay grounded & as content as i can.
may 2004
i'm doin the roger rabbit outta this city
& hopefully outta this state too.
i just don't feel like there's too much left for me here.
i slept til 11, which i didn't really wanna do, but i was up late last nite. i gotta quit that. went 'clubbin' again last nite.. actually went inside of a place this time. i hated it. reminded me of why i don't do clubs; the dudes there were asses, evrybody was smokin, DJ was wack, & it made me feel super duper lonely for some reason. so i shan't be doin that again anytime soon.
i showered soon as i got up this mornin, threw on some sweats & my senior t-shirt from high school. yo, i been walkin round lookin like i just woke up all day. if i felt the way i looked today, i'd have the lowest self-esteem in the world. but i ain't care. lookin like a gila monster ain't no thang to me here cause really.. who am i tryna impress in this joint?
zacklee.
finally sat down & made some phone calls concernin this step show. i ain't realize how time consumin plannin wld be, particularly cause im the only one workin on it. & muhfkas don't wanna get back to me, man. i sent out a big mass email a week & a half ago--Alphas, AKAs, Omegas, Sigmas, Iotas, Zetas, Kappas, Sigmas, & Sigma Gamma Rhos. at least 3 of those emails came back to me. the others just didn't respond, cept the Alphas. the president said he was interested & wld present to idea to his brothers.
i've sent him another email since then. no response.
so i did some more stalkin today & found phone numbers for the contacts i got from the websites of their respective schools. again, most of those numbers were dead ends, so i hadda resort to callin ppl i know who may know somebody who may know somebody in a blk sorority or fraternity.
i called jermaine, who gave me will's number, who gave me antoine's number, who gave me some cat named nathaniel's number. constant run around.
my efforts were at least a lil fruitful, tho--talked to the president of UK's Kappas *vomit* & he said they can prolly make it... i'll hear from Morehead's Iotas by wednesday, & i left messages with NKU's sigmas & Western's omegas.
i hope this shit is a success. all this time ive wasted stalkin & emailin & contactin, i clda been done wrote 5 papers.
anyway
i got a lotta other stuff done today too, academic wise. feels like there's just so much waiting to be done still, & it just ain't enuff time in the day. the weeks are flyin by, tho.. i guess that's a good thing. the quicker they go, the sooner i get outta this joint.
i've haad dre's album on repeat, man. this shit makes me wanna write but im skurred to try just yet. i really want to tho... i got projects lined up--a play to be done by july, a poem for ishan due like a month ago.
im doin homework & kathryn calls up talkin bout she wants to dance... kathryn be hangin out @ vanilla spots, & it's not that i don't dig vanilla ppl, i jus cain't dance at vanilla spots & don't really have fun hangin at vanilla spots in my free time seein as how i *live* in a freakin vanilla world. so i was gonna stay here & do homework til i found out that it was her & candis who were goin & they were goin to some club in richmond. close to EKU, EKU be havin blk folk, so im like okay. i'll roll.
called britt, but of course she ain't wanna go.
so im throwin on my jeans & she calls back, talkin bout the joint closes at 12. it was 11 when she called me & it takes like 30 mins to get there. so that wasn't happenin.
then kathryn decides we'll go to Two Key Tavern (*cough*VANILLASPOT*cough*). i'm like okay, whatever. we get there & look in the window-
7 ppl, folks. all over 45 bein drunk & old & doin the old white ppl dance on the dancefloor. we left quickly.
we decide we're gonna go check Varsity Blue. same story. the ppl were younger but it was still only like 7, 8 ppl there. one brown man playin pool. we left. again.
came back to campus, kathryn's still bent on findin sum'n to do, so we go to the boy's dorm (*vomit*) to see what's happenin over there. i already knew what was happenin--buncha drunk ass smelly frat boys runnin round bein drunk & loud blastin lucadris & ja rule. i was on the look out for brown ppl there, as usual; once we got to the 4th floor we saw the tall one. dude was passin me, looked me dead in my grill which took effort cause he's like 6'3, so i say hi.
fucker keeps right on walkin.
yo
i'm done tryna be nice to the freshmen. f'real, apparently they ain't lookin for no friendly comraderie, so im spendin my hello's elsewhere. officer smith said they ackin shady towards us (us bein the blk girls on campus, the blk girls on campus bein me & candis) cause they into the 'nilla chicks. im thinkin man, that's fine. i ain't tryna hump none of em, im just bein nice.
beetches. so anways, he passes & candis is like OOH HE LOOKED AT U!!!
me: *blink*
before i know it she done ran to the stairwell where they were descending screamin 'HI!!!!' i turn around & she's pointin at me (i was standin outta the way) goin '...and this is tracy.' i wasn't gon say nu'n to dude but since she'd opened the door, i went back & waved. they chit chatted a/b whatever.. last thing i remember him sayin was 'well if u ever wanna get me, just talk to stan. bye, girls' (stan is a jr here, one of the VERY VERY FEW blk men whose cool & cordial).
so bascially
dude got the big head thanks to candis jockin <-- bringin 95 back
undoubtedly walked away thinkin 'word, now i got these 2 senior girls on me.'
nigga plz.
'if u wanna get me, talk to stan?' u got a press agent or some shit? schedulin appts? u suck. & u're baldin at 18 yrs old. go away, plz.
we spent about 30 mins in the boys dorm watchin kathyn yuck it up w/ drunk folk. i'da much rather been in my room doin anything else (boys stink. the whole hall smelled like stinky boy.) but kathryn was bent on stayin out. so she decides she wants to go to Tolly Ho, a lil hole in the wall 24 hr restaurant joint on UK's campus.
we sit there for about 45 minutes listenin to candis. talk. the entire. time. givin us entire rundowns of the last episodes of 'friends' and 'ER' (2 shows ive never even WANTED to watch). sis didn't miss a detail im tellin u.
me: kathryn, u look sleepy. let's go home.
her- 'well....'
me: Y-A-W-N
so in conclusion
my night was bull
& i wlda rather done homework.
i ain't slept this long since like a week before i left home to come here. i'd expected i was gonna get up at like 10, get some homework done, eat by like 12:30, come back, shower, bullshit around, get back to the work. but hell... it's time to eat now. & im still sittin here in my draws.
guess i was tireder than i thought. i *finally* got off the plantation this weekend & since this won't happen til the next full moon im sure, i feel compelled to give a detailed account of evrydamn thing that happened even tho it wasn't much.
yo..
i seen BROWN ppl, cat!!
real blk folk!!! it was so exciting.
i kicked it w/ candis all weekend. mrs. gully was w/ the husband.
this month is Roots & Heritage month, so there was some stuff happenin this weekend. there was a step show at dunbar community center down the street on friday, mostly high school kats, but a small grou of Alphas from UK were there too.
fuckasorority.
i wanna be in a fraternity, dammit. maybe i cld sue for like, gender discrimination to get them to lemme in or sum'n? *shrugs*
anyway, we go & watch the babies step. it was cute. then we went & ambled around kroger actin up & bein loud. went to Perkin's at like 12am & had the most orgasmic pancakes ever, 2econd to nate's pannacakes of course (<-- u owe me $5 for that compliment, too). came back, went to sleep.
got up early saturday mornin, even tho i was up til like 4... downloaded burned some music.
got the Chicago soundtrack. good shit if u like musicals. catherine zeta jones has a really nice voice.
finally got all of Eric Roberson's CD. REEEALLY nice voice.
got Erykah's new one. it's um.... not her best. actually the worst she's put out ever. that's not to say it's like, horrible or sumthin. it feels really rushed tho. not diggin it like usually.
aaaaaaaand the jewel of soulseek... *drumroll*
OWT
KAST!
dammit
fuggit erbody tha's been talkin shit. soon as i figure out what's goin on in my bank account i'ma go out & buy this joint. for me to actually wanna GIVE money for it when i technically don't have to.. yeah. it's dope.
oh, i got that new nappy roots' too. sounds a whole lot like they last album, which i guess ain't too bad a thang.. the last album was good, i thought, & this one is too. not mindblowin or groundbreakin, but good.
they need some variety tho. talkin bout the same stuff w/ the same sound. there's a lotta anti-war verse on it, tho, & that's good. other than outkast & mos & talib here & there, i haven't heard any other artists be so political in they music in a minute.
so. that's the music i 'borrowed' this weekend.
did laundry after that was done, got osme homework done. randomly bullshitted til around 7, 8pm when candis called. we was posed to go to the Heritage Classic football game, but she had a volleyball tournament & didn't get back til late. she just wanted to see the battle of the bands & that was at the end. wunna her friends was in the band & she wanted to see him play.
we get there just as the game is endin, right. but we ain't actually get inside because we were literally swarmed.. SWARMED... by a buncha half-drunk Ques. i mean really, it was ridiculous. they was all a lil too close for comfort, wantin to hug all on us, one of em just started smellin our necks (wtf?). candis was actin all giggly about it, but i was like...
dude...
can i help u find sumthin? can u gimmie like 5 ft of personal space?
i don't mind bein friendly but this was unwanted attention. & it ain't even like we was dressed provocatively or nuthin; we had on more clothes than any other female out that nite. alla this ain't to say im braggin or nuthin cause really, what's to brag about?
the moral of the story, friends, is that niggas will holla at any and evrything.
i saw Andrew out there, dude i used to go to high school with. i think he was gonna ask me to go to prom w/ him @ one time, but then he got a chick, for which i was kinda thankful for. he was drunk when i seen em (surprise). i saw him before he saw me & hadn't planned on sayin anything (shady, right? whatever.) but he ran up on me a lil later like i owed him money. i gave em a hug, said my 'how u been doin' & whatever. him:
'damn.'
what?
'oh! oh she speaks now!! yo dawg, she usedta didn't NEVER speak in school dawg, she was like this:' *makes a closed mouth sign w/ fingers*
lovey, jus cause i ain't talk to u in high school don't mean i didn't talk at all.
i seen mookie too... went to high school w/ him too, & he used to live across the street from my daddy. i was actually gonna speak to him but we never caught sight @ the same time, & i was not finna run off & leave giggly candis in the middle of all them wolves.
she got a number from one of them who invited us to their party later that nite.
yeah, right.
so we go in & yo..
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many blk ppl. the actual battle of the bands sucked, but i had fun just takin in the blk folk. we're a beautiful bunch, im tellin u.
even the babies were in rare form that nite.
there was a young cat tryna sell t-shirts for $5 & lemme tell u.. dude was *workin* the crowd. i told him i didnt have any money. he ain't believe me so i emptied my pockets for him. $2. what can i get for $2, lil homie?
'for $2? $2, u can have my phone number for $2.'
ha!
'i mean im sayin i know im a lil young, you know but, that's okay!!'
how old are u?
'17.'
!!
'but i'll be 18 in a month!!'
how old u think i am?
'um..... 19?'
im 21, sir.
'yeah, but see it's gon come a day when u get older & u gon WANT a young man & u can already have one now!'
well when that day comes, i will personally seek u out, k?
'but u ain't gon know how to find me! u don't even know my name!'
if it's meant to be, then faith will lead me to u.
i told em that if i'd had the money i'da bought one just cause he was a nice young man. then i told him to stay in school & not to do drugs.
after that, one of the bands (the one that candis' friend was on) went to Golden Corral to eat, & he had us meet them there. we get there & got in free.. we wasn't gonna eat so we just walked on in unnoticed on some mission impossible shit.. & just sat & talked w/ her friend til it was time for them to go. he's a nice cat, but he reminds me of a dude i really, REALLY really despise. the way he speaks, his voice & the way he holds his mouth.. it actually made me kinda uncomfortable for a minute, but he seems to have a good heart & personality. i told candis she shld marry him. knowin her, she'll prolly end up talkin to the other asshole friend of hers that came down from OH. dude's an ass, i can tell already. he was drunk & kept grabbin @ her butt when we was @ the game. that seems to be the kind she goes for. *shrugs*
anyway
we kicked it w/ the band. it was kinda dope. band dude sare the nicest dudes ever. the football team tho... tha's another story. i didn't appreciate summa the looks & under-the-breath comments we got.
SO.
from Golden Corral we went to Rupp Arena, tryna go to some after party they was posed to have after the game.
why was it more ppl standin outside than it was inside. & it was only bout 20 ppl outside.
ppl wld go in & come out PISSED.
'i cain't believe i wated $20 on a VIP ticket for this shit!'
'don't even waste yall's money!!'
so yeah...
we didn't go in.
there was a party @ UK's student center, so we figured that mighta been where erbody who left was headin. actually tho, most of em just went to the parkin lot & sat on they cars, smokin & bein loud. it was mostly drunken dudes, so we figured we wasn't gon stay around too long.
so we get to the student center at like 1:45am when the party was comin to a close. we walked up to the door & seein ppl startin to come out, we turn around to leave.
'you so pretty. come here, pretty, what's your name?'
we turn around & it's a dude w/ dreads, yella, taller than us but not too tall, kinda chubby, talkin to candis. i was gonna keep goin, but she turns around & stops. his name was like, gillian, gilligan, sumthin like that. he had a lil friend w/ him (emphasis on little--he only had like half an inch on me), yella, dreads, skinny cat. while candis is talkin to gilligan, i introduce myself to the other cat cause us standin there watchin them talk wld look kinda herbish.
'hey, what's ur name?'
tracy. *shakes hand*
apparently i forgot to ask dude's name, cause really i wasn't too interested in casual convo. & outta nowhere he calls me Aaliyah.
me: ?
'aaliyah.'
me: ??
'aaaahleeyah.'
in my head-
is this dude really tryna say i look like aaliyah? cause ima need for him to get some better game. and plus, he's pronouncin 'aaliyah' wrong.
then it hits me. oooooooooooooohhhhhh... he's tellin me HIS name. duh.
alia (AAH-lee-ya) & gillian. from jersey, goin to school @ wilberforce university in xenia, which is where candis is from. so gillian & candis connected there. me & alia's just makin empty chitter chatter.
they was lookin for sum'n to get into that nite, cause naturally they were bored in ky w/ nuthin to do. i was like sorry... what'chu see is whatchu get. ain't nuthin to do here.
we were tired by the time we ran into them, so we wasn't tryna do nuthin w/ them that nite. alia had hinted a/b goin to chill at either me or candis' crib (no.) but candis hadda get up at like 7 & my dorm has a curfew that i played up to be more strict than it actually is.
before we parted he wanted my number so we cld help them find sum'n to do the next day.. i was gon give him my dorm number & like, give him directions to a restaurant or sum'n shld he call. i got lotsa homework to do today. but thankfully his pen didn't work & i ain't have one.. candis gave gilligan her dorm number & alia was like 'i'll just get ur number from her.' candis is gonna be out all day today tho.
so im wagerin that's the last we'll see or hear from alia or gilligan.
seen albert while we was out there. he gave us hugs, asked how we was doin & then told us to go home. lol.. good ol albert.
seen michelle, chick i went to high school with. she was kinda wunna the stuck-up ones i didn't care too much for; we rode the bus together cause she just lives around the corner from me, so i guess i got to know her pretty well. she just had wunna those nose-in-the-air attitudes, so i never jumped to kick it w/ her & her ppl.
she always says hi to me when i see her out tho. she was the only one aside from andrew that i saw that nite (& i saw a bunch) that spoke. guess maybe she ain't all that bad.
seen Kappa Chris too. i don't think he likes me too much anymore cause he didn't stop to speak like he used to.. heheheh..
aaaaand i seen kablasian Kappa Dwayne. that's when it was time to go. i didn't have the patience.
so then we went home. i dove straight in the bed, got on the horn & spent my last hrs of consciousness w/ a beautiful blk man. chocolate icin on a chocolate cake :o)
well friends,
that was my nite of a million blk ppl. hopefully the memories will last me here on the plantation til the next time i get to get away.
been here for 5 days now. been havin classes for 4.
already got a ton of work waitin to be done. blah.
but what's pissin me off even more-
it's beautiful outside, but where am i?
shut up inside somebody's gotdamn computerlab w/ the longest face in the world. dude... all i do since i've been here is go to class, sit in my room. go eat, sit in my room. lather, rinse, repeat. & i got my own room now, so it's just like
...
i'm soooo fuckin lonely, man. seriously, i'd dare say that shit wasn't this bad @ home. why am i lonely, u ask? evrybody i used to hang with is just bein mad anti-social (read: the 2 ppl that i hang with). actually no, i take that back. the short one be busy w/ volleyball. the tall one just be ackin like she don't wanna be bothered w/ us no more. like right now, she's out walkin around the city, sum'n we all used to do together bondin & shit, just to stay busy & away from the dirges of depression. she just bounced tho & plainly ain't want no company so... *shrugs*. said she was walkin to walmart & the 'library' (which, coincidentally, was the spot she ditched me at just yesterday to be stuck up under her newfound obsession when we was out walkin).
it's whatever tho.
she wanna go out & swerve, more power to her. i hope it's fun.
i'm not finna impose my presence or be pushed aside tho. if this bullsnit gets any worse im jus gonna head to the sidelines & keep company w/ my $262.65 books.
this still sucks, tho. nobody wants to be alone. especially here, in a place where i feel mad ostracized & alienated anyway. the way im feelin rite onw, i just really don't wanna be here & escapism is knockin on my door louder than ever. im tired of this place, gettin tired of these ppl. blech.
there have been some highlights, tho.
got some good packages from good ppl... *kisses to yall*
and i ran into lamarco yesterday as i was walkin back to my room after bein ditched at the gotdamn library. me, him & britt are posed to go out tonite, but that remains to be seen. well, I'M goin. i refuse to sit here. hopefully good ol lamarco can help me keep my sanity.
i just hope this year passes quick & i prove myself academically. it's not gonna be easy, i can see that now. b/t social & academic stresses, tis gonna be a bitch & a half. but i can do it, right?
right?
right.
im kickin this yr's ass, & i mean that.
i'ma get graduated from this bitch w/ honors
& then im movin. dunno where & at this point i really don't care so long as i get outta this rut.
