yo
i think im depressed. if im not it feels like im gettin to be.
im wantin to sleep a lot more often.
haven't really been feelin too pretty..
ive been in a pretty bad mood the past couple days. irritable, unmotivated, just real mad at sumthin & unable to tell exactly what. it's a broken record but this place is so damn cold, y'know? lonely like. i used to wonder a couple yrs ago what it wld be like if i was essentially here @ transy w/o the friendships & connections i'd forged w/ britt & candis & now i think i know. it sucks.
ive eaten evry meal i've had for the past week & a half, maybe 2 weeks by myself. lunch & dinner used to be time to vent & unwind, man.. to laugh out all our frustrations we felt at being here. we were each other's outlet, y'know? now it feel like erbody still has some sorta outlet but me. & what am i doin w/ all this frustration & shit? it's bouncin around offa the walls in my room were i spend 95% of my time. havin my own room is great--i'm pantsless as we speak :o)--but i miss havin a roommate cause i miss just havin somebody to talk to. & laugh with--i dont laugh as much anymore.
how u live right next door to somebody & not see them for days @ a time?
i feel a lil embarrassed, i think, for essentially needin somebody who doesn't seem to need my company anymore cause they've found company elsewhere. ppl grow & change, i guess. *shrugs*
i noticed yesterday that ive grown so accustomed to being by myself that its gettin to the pt now where i don't even wanna be around nobody else. britt stuck her head in the door to say hi last nite (imagine my surprise) while i was writin a journal entry for class. i was kinda unresponsive just cause i wanted to get back to what i was doin. that's terrible, man. nobody shld get used to this kinda shit. it's dangerous.
i shld get away from campus more before it gets too cold, but aside from ambling around downtown, there's nowhere to go. i fell into contact w/ will again.. i hadda call him to get someone else's number in the midst of this step show organizing stuff. he called me back & left a message w/ the number, then he was talkin bout he was gonna call more often now that he has my number & maybe get up & do sumn one day. im down as long as he don't wanna get married no more.. any kinda escape is more than welcome rite now, y'know?
lookin back, im kinda disappointed at the way i've lived these past 3 yrs on campus. i've been so self righteous. i came here tryna be some freedom fighter, wanting to change the world & fully expecting to change this campus. i more than likely made mountains outta molehills on more than one occasion, just to have sumthin to be mad about & fight against. it was really really hard to forge friendships w/ ppl different than me. like, horribly hard. but i never tried as hard as i cld have or shld have & now look @ where i am. i put evrything i had in 2 friends & now that they ain't around, im here sittin by myself. i don't think i regret anything tho. i've learned a lot, if nuthin else.
being blk on this campus, one can never afford to be alone. i think this has translated into me pushin ppl away.
i can't wait to graduate.
so, i've been kinda somber these past few days. i don't like talkin to my mama cause she can always hear it in my voice & i don't want her worryin. i really think that now it's just a matter of me biding my time til im outta here. the days are flying by, for which i'm greatful.
& i try to stay focused on the good stuff i have in my life.
got my health.
got my family.
got good friends in other states that listen to me gripe & bitch & moan.
i kinda sorta got a wonderful man in my life that i'd love to tell the whole entire world about, but i can't/don't for whatever reason. i dunno.. i sometimes feel that im wanting & needing more than the other party in this outfit--these days find me abnormally needy & in turn, embarrasingly insecure. nameless love... sounds like a poem, huh?
speakin of poems
i can't write anymore. i tried the other day & got disgusted.
& look, i'm talkin negative again. shit comes full circle these days.
well
at any rate
it doesn't look like things are gonna change any time soon. it's gettin hard to concentrate amidst all the work my professors are throwin at me, but im tryna stay grounded & as content as i can.
may 2004
i'm doin the roger rabbit outta this city
& hopefully outta this state too.
i just don't feel like there's too much left for me here.
