she's out in the hallway talkin on the phone w/ her pops or somebody & she's tellin him the plans. it aint that im eavesdroppin on purpose but these doors are thin & she's got a big voice.
TracimusLynnicus: jus
pra verbs: traaaaaaaayceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
TracimusLynnicus: sup?
pra verbs: chillin sis
pra verbs: supwit you?
TracimusLynnicus: feelin a lil melancholy
TracimusLynnicus: britt's finna move in w/ the boyfriend
TracimusLynnicus: im like officially alone & shit
pra verbs: so y'all won't even be neighbors now?
TracimusLynnicus: no
TracimusLynnicus: dude's crib is a good 35 minute walk away
TracimusLynnicus: not that id be invited over anyway
pra verbs: why not?
pra verbs: it's like that?
TracimusLynnicus: yeah
TracimusLynnicus: soon as dude came in the picture we just stopped kickin it.
TracimusLynnicus: aint no room for nobody else
TracimusLynnicus: i got straight pushed aside
TracimusLynnicus: i dont know exactly how i feel about that at the moment
pra verbs: damn
TracimusLynnicus: i mean i understand her bein excited about him or whatever
TracimusLynnicus: if my sweetie was close enuff i'd be on the same shit
TracimusLynnicus: but i never ever wlda shut her out this way
TracimusLynnicus: ever
TracimusLynnicus: cause i know how this campus is & wld never wanna make her hafta face this shit alone
pra verbs: i feel you
TracimusLynnicus: that was my sister man
TracimusLynnicus: id never had a closer female friend & that meant so much to me
TracimusLynnicus: i cld not have stayed @ this school w/o the friendship we had, u know?
pra verbs: i understand
TracimusLynnicus: im takin shit real personal.
pra verbs: i don't blame you
pra verbs: havin a friend just bounce on you for no reason is somethin hard not to take personal
TracimusLynnicus: things b/t us have deteriorated a lot
TracimusLynnicus: cause even when she comes around i dont really wanna be bothered
TracimusLynnicus: cause im feelin like she just comes around when its convenient for her
TracimusLynnicus: when her mans caint come thru, just go to the back up
TracimusLynnicus: nevermind the fact that the back up has no back up
TracimusLynnicus: this sucks.
pra verbs: i'm sorry trace
TracimusLynnicus: me too, jus
TracimusLynnicus: the rest of this year's gonna be the hardest shit to face
TracimusLynnicus: thank u for listenin & lettin me vent
pra verbs: anytime love
pra verbs: you got a semester and a half to go
pra verbs: it's gonna be rough
pra verbs: but it's not that long
TracimusLynnicus: yeah
TracimusLynnicus: ive not had lotsa friends in my day
TracimusLynnicus: not close ones
TracimusLynnicus: particularly female ones
TracimusLynnicus: it was nice while it lasted
pra verbs: is it absolutely over?
TracimusLynnicus: i dunno. that's my bitterness talkin
TracimusLynnicus: but i mean we've tried to reconcile before
TracimusLynnicus: we spoke more that next day than we had in weeks
TracimusLynnicus: then drifted again
pra verbs: true
TracimusLynnicus: ima try & talk w/ her about it all
pra verbs: yeah, you should do that
TracimusLynnicus: dunno when tho
pra verbs: i'm sure the time will present itself
TracimusLynnicus: well anyway
TracimusLynnicus: how u doin?
looks like the thuggolutionaries is for serious breakin up.
FIRST THINGS FIRST - if u dont laugh at
this, u & i are no longer friends.
movin on
i got 2hunnit dollars in my back right pocket & 3hunnit more in the bank, freshly depositied. life wld be great if i aint hafta spend them duckets goin to wisconsin this weekend.
still dont wanna go
but im bein optimistic, really
plus ima be sure & be cute evryday cause i might cld get me a boyfriend while im there.
k, im lyin
but i wanna look nice. ive been lookin the way ive been feelin lately & that is not a good thing, friends. i went to class this mornin in my pajamas, hair uncombed & gave not a fuck about it.
i think after class today ima walk down to rite aid & pick up a XXL to read on the plane. my short attn span havin ass is actually gonna read like, evryarticle therein cause i wanna get a feel for the kinda things they publish.
justyn told me that XXL is 50% freelance written & they pay $1 per word per article published.
i stole his idea, made a copy, put one in my pocket & gave the other to dave. im tryna get me and my ppls paid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
speakin of writing, i did some yessaday. i dont like it, of course. i posted
it on the freestyle boards @ okp for the fuck of it. pg 2 already, as expected. that place is ass these days.
anyway
around this time of yr, when the weather gets colder & the leaves start to fall, im always reminded of ty and dee. i think we lost them sometime close to this time of yr, but the passage of time escapes me and those 2 months are now a complete blur.
i remember it bein nippy out. the same guy who delivered flowers to my house when we lost dee came back to give us more flowers when we lost ty. my uncle ronald received them.
'dang, man, yall always gettin flowers! must be a good house over here!' he had a gorgeous smile & beautiful intentions.
'aint nuthin good tho, man.' my uncle's smile was bright, as usual, but not as wide.
we all thanked him.
suddenly ive slipped into prose mode.. lol.. can u tell? it's hard not to in talkin a/b them, & that's what the piece i wrote yessaday is about.
i dont like it. seems forced, like evrything i write lately.
im thinkin about them a lot tho.
and like, i wanna share their stories, but i dont wanna exploit them. not their lives or their deaths. im tryna be respectful & give them some sorta dignity in their flight, but
i dunno.
the whole situation confuses me & i still dunno how to deal for real.
ill spill them here one day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
aint seen nor talked to brit in 3 days.
the closer i get to this conference & the more i loathe havin to go, the more bitter i become towards her.
i keep tellin myself that she's just goin thru some shit & hasn't/doesn't wanna discuss it. at least not right now. that's the bigger picture tho.
the small of it is that her ass oughta be on this plane come 6 freakin o'clock tomorrow mornin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nate's a good dude. pparently has good friends, too. that's dope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
im really excited a/b the lil squigglies & linkin shit. can u tell?
tis fly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i feel ridiculously ridiculous today.
im just in a goofy mood.
i cldn't pay attn for shit in shakespeare this mornin. fizdale got to blabbin & i eventually got to doodlin pictures of Strong Bad and singin the Trogdor song.
lookit this
these are actual quotes from the notes i took-
well its 1:20
class. ill post em when i get back.
*insert pleasing hold music here*
aaaaaand im back
and ive got some stuff to do & i dont have lotsa time so im not gonna type out the funny shit in my notes.
it was funny tho.
and why yall dont never leave nuthin in my comments box?
back @ school.
thru the power of suggestion, i have convinced myself that i am well rested after 5 days of bein at home and ready to get back on the mmmmmotherfukin grind. soon as i finish this ima get crackin on my portion of a 15 page long group paper that i shlda been done had finished.
i slacked sooo freakin much the week before fall break. i was just tapped, man... missed 2 classes, quit hittin the track like i was. half-assin homework assignments. just not doin others.
i feel like i needed that break, tho. i think ive stored up enuff juice to propel me on thru to december 12th when im out this beetch again for crimmus break. nigga!
let's see.. what else..
oh.
not gonna get to go see Little Brother tomorrow.
no transportation. & when it gets right damn down to it i really oughta be here workin anyway. i got way too much to do.
*le sigh*
let's see... what else again...
this step show shit is still givin me the runaround. tomorrow, damnit. i been sayin this forever, but tomorrow im callin & emailin all the ppl who refuse to get back w/ me.
ooh
and speakin of emails, rob emailed me like, outta the blue a few days ago.
:o/
all he said was hi & i didn't really know how to respond, so i did the grown up thing & apologized for the way i basically just stopped talkin to him w/ no explanation. it was kinda dirty & inconsiderate of me & i confessed to bein as such & pologized. he said it wasn't no problem & seems to be okay w/ evrything, whatever that is. he's back in maryland now, & truthfully im kinda glad. outta sight, outta mind, one less 'just friends' speech.
and on a totally random note, the beetches in the maintenance dept. turned off the damn heat AGAIN and now its finna be 40 damn degrees outside. my nose is all snotty & cold. if i were a dog that'd be a good thing, but gotdamnit
GOTDAMNIT
turn on my shit.
im makin some calls in the mornin.
first things first: carl thomas is the man & fuck anybody who says different.
movin on-
hi :o)
im goin home tomorrow!!
long weekend. won't be back til tuesday evening.
moms is makin chili. ima get me a big bucket of chicken.
ima come back to school a good 25 lbs heavier & grinnin like a bobcat.
i cld do nuthing but lay around, eat, watch TV & talk to my sweetie the whole 4 days & be in perfect bliss.
know what's fucked the hell up tho? the homework. ima have maaaad shit to do while im gone. books to read & part of a paper to write & shit. shit. fuckin shit.
look what school's doing to my language. shame.
ive been meanin to update for awhile, but i just haven't felt like doin anything. i mean ANYthing. missed two classes this week... shakespeare for the 2nd time, british lit for the 1st. & i don't really care too much. i just can't care right now.. im just so tired of thinkin. i got senioritis like a muhfka. im burnt out. i'm hopin ill come back from this lil break all well rested, funky fresh, dressed to impressed & ready to... read. or sumthin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
britt & i had a talk like, the night i wrote that last journal entry, i think. that evening i just happened to catch her boyfriend on AIM & he asked me how i was feeling at the wrong time so i let him know just what was up. his girlfriend's actin weird & i aint finna put myself out there no more to be brushed aside again. i had planned to talk to her about it the next day, but he called her like, right after we finished talking (i heard her cell phone ring next door the moment he logged off) & told her what was goin on. not long after that, she came knockin on my door, but i didn't answer. i was too tired & didn't wanna think on it no more. so we rapped the next day. she apologized for bein neglectful & said it was just because she doesn't wanna be here & etc etc. i understand cause im feelin the same way. still, i wldn't/don't respond by pushin her away, but i guess we just deal differently.
so things are cooler.
im still not gonna depend or count on her for too much else, cause even tho i talk to her more, i still *rarely* see her, & she just ain't up for kickin it too much no more.
*shrugs*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this past wednesday she & i sat in on Bryan's FLA class. Bryan's an old professor of mine who i simply fell in love with.. yall i had the biggest crush on this man, & if i wasn't adopted by he & his wife, i'd prolly still be lustin after him. he & his wife are two of the most proactive ppl on campus; he was frustrated b/c there aren't any brown ppl in his classes, & it made it hard discussing race, which is what they were doing.
so we show up, loud, laffin, smilin blk folk. the class was type stunned cause he hadn't told them we were gonna be there. i just happened to sit next to this cat as he was opening his notebook, gettin ready to take notes. i glance at his notebook & i see written:
-Blacks are ugly
-Blacks are greasy
-shgaei tahutia tleah <--- sumthin else a/b blk ppl that i cldn't discern.
i just laughed.
cldn't do nuthin else.
at the end of the second class, there was a pretty conservative minded lil white kid named Grant still had some questions about stuff, so we--me, him, britt, bryan, and about 4, 5 other kids--stayed behind after class just to talk. it was great, man. i have a lot of respect for Grant, first for caring about our experiences as blk ppl on transy's campus and actually WANTING to hear our stories, and second for being brave enough to shoot rapid fire questions at us.
'so what's so offensive about all the jefferson davis stuff? i just don't see it'
'so you really think that transy's got institutionalized racism?'
'so why don't u you just leave then if u hate it so much?'
yo
these are questions that no one ever has the guts to ask.
he wasn't disrespectful, he was just genuine. and he always always kept eye contact.
he's got a firm handshake, too.. i happened to be leaving my building for my 1:30 class when he was leaving the science building, goin in the same direction. he called me over, shook my hand, formally introduced himself & walked me to my class.
it was all very inspiring.
& it's prolly the last time that'll ever happen during my college career here at transy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
our esteemed president was in town today. hosted a $500 per plate dinner to support ernie fletcher. bitches. there was a huge protest. LOTS of people. i was really really proud, but i saw some stuff i was ashamed of too. i'll write & go into detail later.
a group of transy kids went down.. britt & i were supposed to walk down with them but i showed up @ the meeting place a lil late & they bounced. she & her boyfriend waited for me tho.
so we get there. i wander off by myself after awhile of standin w/ britt & richard.. the protesters covered about a 3 block span, so i spent most of my time weaving in & outta the signs alone. took lotsa pictures.
saw ashley colvin out there.. it was good to see her.
and i saw jon. short, volvo-driving, balding, vanilla jon. jon graduated from transy like, 2 yrs ago; he became acquainted w/ britt & me when we took an african art class together. he's a nice guy. liberal minded, real fun. he took us to see john singleton, which was dope. since he's graduated we see him off & on cause he lives near the campus still.
basically, he's had a crush on me since that class we all had together, & i kinda knew it cause bianca told me last yr & he's always been kinda touchy feely or whatever. always laughs too hard @ my jokes. it's cute.. lol
anyway
i seen him standin w/ britt as i was wandering around, so i gave him a hug & said my hellos, then did some more wandering. came back, found britt again.
'um.. okay, im gonna tell u this now cause i don't want this to be a surprise, but jon has a very big crush on u & has like, forever & asked me if i thought u'd say yes if he asked u out. i said probably, on some friendship stuff, but. just givin u a heads up.'
...
i didn't see him anymore that evening, & im kinda glad, cause i hate turnin ppl down. i mean, we cld kick it on some friendship shit, that'd be aight. but i hate having to do the 'just friends' bullshit cause no matter how genuine it is, it always feels & sounds like bullshit. i was prepared to tell him that i'm crazy hung up on somebody else, tho.
tell me why the light in my room is finna go out & the heat does not work. the room heaters in my building don't work independently of each other, so either the air's workin or the heat's workin. they have not turned the heat on yet.
it was 38 fucking degrees last nite.
it's gonna FROST tonite.
i've had trouble sleeping cause for whatever reason fallin asleep is kinda hard when u're shivering violently.
god only knows when they gon turn the heat on. and as for the light, that's just negligence. ol bullshit ass fallin down ass never workin ass building. i hate this place.
i had some more bullshit to rant about but i just came across some new bullshit that made me forget all the other bullshit.
there's this conference coming up. in wisconsin. it'll be a great opportunity for me to see the school, meet the drs. who've written a lotta my text books, do some networking. a professor of mine & britt's said we shld apply to get some money for the trip (the same way we got money to go do research in chicago). she's excited. britt's excited. so im game. plus it's a free trip.
i work my gotdamn ass off on that application. britt & i were to apply seperately so that we'd get more money. we were supposed to get together to work on it one weekend, but she took off w/ her boyfriend. im like cool, whatever, she wants to go, so she'll get it done.
i turned in my application yesterday. dr. gillett calls me today sayin it's been approved & all we need to do is work out how the money will be given out or sumthin.
i go to lunch today & britt just happens to be in there (we rarely eat together anymore). so i go sit w/ her & tell her bout the phone call i got & asked her if she'd turned in her application.
'i'm not goin.'
...
?
what are u talkin about? why aren't you goin?
apparently she just gradually decides, as i'm takin time outta workin on academic shit to get this done that she's not interested in goin anymore. okay......... when the hell was she gonna tell me? so now i either go by myself--which i don't really wanna do--or just don't go at all. that's some bullshit, man, i can't believe this. and in the beginning she was wunna the main ones amped about it.
i let her know that i was very unhappy about the whole thing, though admittedly not as much as i shld have. my mama always told me that i'm good at not takin shit from ppl i don't know or don't like, but when it comes to ppl i care about i get walked on on occassion. i shld have told her evrything that was runnin thru my mind just then but being respectful of how sensetive she is i kept it mild & civil.
why the fuck she ain't tell me? WHEN was she gonna tell me?
now i essentially have to decide tonite what im gonna do.
*sigh*
u know what
ive been tryna avoid sayin so, but ima say it now.
brittany is officially on some bullshit. i just don't know what the hell is goin on w/ her this yr. we don't kick it no more, we don't talk no more. this is bullshit.
ima tell u what i think, & it may be a stretch, but here's what i think- i think she's been spendin so much time w/ this negro that got her nose wider than a freight train that when she's here on campus all she has time for is her school work & didn't have time to get the application done. consequently, i think that's why our friendship has dwindled. when she ain't in his damn pocket she has homework to do. i've officially been cut out.
& it sucks cause she was like my sister for a really really long time. i don't think i'd ever had a friendship that strong, save the one me & dallas had before she left. she went w/ me on my family vacation to florida for fuck's sake & now we don't even speak everyday? what the fuck? i had a tangible best friend for awhile & it was dope while it lasted. shit changes, i guess.
today was the wake up call tho. she don't need me no more apparently & im not gon be too quick to depend on her for anything else.
tis officially me against the world now & ima hafta be okay w/ that.
*counts down days til graduation & moveouttakentuckytuation*
