the sky is perfect for it. gray, cold. wet & unfriendly. i personally think evrybody shld wallow in self pity at least one day out of the month, & i hereby declare today my day. im gonna sleep where i can and frown when im awake. my lungs shall stay filled with long, deep, woe-is-me sighs & i shall exude one approx. evry 3 breaths. im gonna stare at the ground & drag my feet whenever i walk. i'm limiting myself to 3 smiles today. i've already used one of em.
those are the rules.
u all tucked in?
heeeeeeeeeeere we go...
i basically feel like a failure. for lots of reasons that i shall list below in a very self-depreciatin fashion in keeping with the theme of today:
i said i was gonna come here & blind evrybody w/ my academic prowess. i was gonna kick this semester's ass, right? wrong. im overwhelmed. i have a paper due tomorrow, a test monday, a paper due tuesday, a book to read this weekend, MLK shit to plan, a 10-fucking 15 page paper due in like a week & a half & i'm not confident that i'll get good grades on any of that shit. i can't seem to push myself. my grades aren't what they should be. not even what they could be.
i also said i was gonna come here & dedicate myself & get back in some sorta healthy shape. i was gonna run a mile a day, right? wrong. it worked for 2 weeks then i quit. i just quit. granted i cldn't devote the time i wanted to b/c of my schoolwork but still. i cld've made it work. but i didn't. failure #2.
for the past 3 yrs i had like the best best friend in the world. i love boys but trusty female companionship is somethin that ive missed out on since like, 2nd grade. it's gone again. it was nice while it lasted.
this fucking step show was my idea. i volunteered to get it together & i can't do it. looks like it's not gonna happen. evrybody was really looking forward to it, but i can't make it happen. failure #4.
i've been pretending to be someone's girlfriend for about the past 2 yrs. i've refused to look @ the situation w/ anything less than 100,000,000 megawatts of optimism & fantasy, sing-songin along in my own lil happy world not giving the needed consideration to how the other party is faring in such unfair conditions. i've been tellin him we'd be okay. promising even. first i was scared to love him & now im scared to stop. & still im scared to make that ultimate move, to just close my eyes & dive in headfirst. dreaming is a beautiful thing but i think i do it too fucking much. i feel like i've failed us. #5.
my room is freezing and i can't make the fuckers turn on my heat.
all my granny wants is somebody to listen to her, but i cant' cause im scared i'll go crazy. #7.
i always told myself that i wldn't just lay around & feel sorry for myself. ppl who do that shit don't get anything accomplished. that's a coward's way of dealing with things.
