but i dont feel like writing so this'll be short. well.. at least shorter than the last.
i didnt go to uncle marion's funeral last tuesday.
i wld have, but somebody had to stay home & wait for the kids after school, & there was no guarantee that we'd all get back in time, so i stayed.
i got eeshawn's kwannukah gift in the mail that afternoon (thank u again!!)
brian's funeral was friday in indianapolis. i went. my mama drove & me & my aunt denise & aunt pauline rode along. we hadda leave early.. it's a 2.5 hr drive & evrything started at like 10. i didn't cry; the only time i got close during the wake & funeral was when i looked at my brother & saw how upset he was. i rode w/ him to the church while my mama nem followed in my mama's car.
'im nervous. i aint never been no pallbearer before.'
me & my brother have never been the emoting, secret-sharing type, & to be honest i sorta lock up when such serious circumstances and emotions arise. we threw a couple jokes around whenever we were together to lighten our moods, and also because i just didnt know what else to say.
thats sumthin i need to change.
i think he knows that if he ever needs a shoulder to cry he can use mines... as we sat in the church i'd go to reach for his hand when he got upset but my mama always beat me to it. she's so protective. he was her major concern during the whole thing.
he told me he was gonna get drunk that night. i told em to go ahead; i know how it feels to just not wanna think about things.
death is some wild shit, man.
like when i was sittin there in the church, it just didn't hit me that the man layin in white in frunna me was dead. it didn't hit me that even tho id just seen him some weeks ago, i wldn't anymore after that day. maybe its cause i barely knew him. i just didnt feel much grief or loss during the funeral.
i got home & watched boyz n the hood.
that's when evrything hit. it reminded me of the circumstances of brian's death, & when i seen rick fall on my tv screen, i imagined brian fallin the same way. then i thought a/b all the blk lives lost & hurt & affected & forever changed, and how many others are gonna be hurt & lost & changed in the same way.
i cried then.
life is fucked up.
black men, lovin yall is hard for lotsa reasons. i was thinkin the other day that its a wonder that black women dont just start takin up w/ white men just so they wont have to worry about him being gunned down in the street at any given moment.
but then i remember the joys & the pleasures. i dont think we cld find it anywhere else, not like yall can give it. yall are worth it.
but damn,
i wish yall wld start treating each other like yall are worth it.
i fear for my brother's life evryday.
ill wrap up the funeral talk now, but first let me say that ive been holding my tongue for our innanapolis viewers. yall fuckin fashion sense is out there. couple times i forgot it was a funeral cause evrybody was dressed like they was goin to a club.
crazy.
that thursday night i was talkin to teddy on the phone. long story short, the dude i went to prom w/, the one who took advantage of me, is someone teddy used to kick it with sorta. ppl talk & word got to teddy that sumn may have gone down b/t he & i.
i told teddy what happened, at length.
he was furious & wanted to beat the shit outta dude & i was very touched, and proud of myself b/c 4 yrs ago i wld have denied evrything. being open & honest about it was like the most refreshing, relieving thing ever. there was no shame, no embarrassment on my part. i felt really strong & knowin that my friend was so pissed made me realize how cared for i am.
so that was dope.
christmas is in 4 days. ive bought three gifts. i have a million more to go. i see why ppl come to hate christmas as they get older. we dont even have a tree yet.
plus im broke.
and i still gotta write this MLK shit. god i dont wanna do this.
but i will.
right after i eat.
so much for a short entry, huh?
sorry, nate. i tried.
