he's such a trial.
okay. some quick background on my daddy-
he's a republican. a black one. a black republican. and he lives in the burbs.
keep that in mind.
yesterday me & pops went shoppin. it was the first time id seen him in months; i think ive only seen him like 2, 3 times since his divorce & id always figured that he'd change after gettin divorce, yknow? like i mean... his wife is a nice lady but she's very caught up in appearances & social acceptance. i think they only got married b/c they both thought that ppl their age shld be married, and i think that over the 8, 9 yrs they were married they only pretended to appear happy b/c married folks are posed to be happy. so i figured that once he was out of that bind & she out of the same, they'd both change a bit. i saw her at a play not long ago & she seemed really happy. overdressed, but happy.
not too much has changed in pops.
he whines a lot now, & i guess he has cause to. but he's such a defeatist.
his damn conservative republicanism sho as hell aint changed tho. yo.. my pops is the kind of person to blame homelessness on homeless ppl & look down on evrybody who lives outside the little clean cut box of what American life shld be.
i live in the blk part of town.
he lived there for the better part of his life, & ever since he moved to the burbs he ack like he too good, not only for the 'hood' or the 'ghetto' or whathave u, but for the ppl who are there not cause they wanna be, but b/c they HAVE to be. he's so oblivious to evrything. and his opinion of blk ppl makes me nauseous, im tellin u.
back to the shoppin story tho-
we're in the car on the way back to my house to drop me off. we're in the middle of one of those semi-awkward silences (i dont even find them awkward anymore; i used to struggle to find somethin to say, but now im just like 'fuck it. i dont got nuthin to talk about') when he asks me what im gonna do after school just to make conversation. i tell him that i dont really know, & i tell him that i wanna move, & that i really wanna move to chicago & blah blah blah. that whole spiel. then i say the ususal
'...but wherever i go, im gonna make sure im surrounded with like a thousand black ppl.. hahahaha'
i was serious, but i was jokin too. he didnt laff. he was just like
'yeah, well.. be sure u surround urself w/ good decent ppl.. u dont wanna get caught up in nuthin..' there was a hint of disdain & warning in his voice. i already knew what he was gettin at.
'..yeah, i know. but i mean, that's the same w/ any "race" of ppl. good ones & bad ones. that's w/ everybody.'
'yeah... but its more prevalent in black folks tho.'
what the fuck?
can yall believe that shit came out a black man's mouth?? holy hell. i cant even remember what i said to him after that. i was just in disbelief. somewhere along the lines that followed he goes,
'u know, the higher up u get in wealth & education, the less blk folk u're likely to see.'
son of a bitch.
'yeah, i guess but i mean im pretty sure ill be in a position to LIVE and associate where i want to if i cant chose the sort of environment that i work in.'
'yeah, that's tr--'
'and u know what? im gonna stay w/ my ppl. like if i won the lottery right now, tomorrow, and i was gonna stay livin in kentucky? in this city? id stay in the west end, right where i am now.'
he sounded all disgusted & shit talkin bout '....really?'
'yeah, of course. i love it where i live.' it was quiet for a minute. i was disgusted & i aint wanna give him a chance to change the subject. 'u know... the west end gets a horribly bad rap. it aint as bad as ppl wanna make it look.'
i guess maybe he felt my offense. 'oh.. oh yeah, yeah it definately gets a bad rap.' he sounded sorta embarrassed. i hoped i was finally gettin thru to him. ...but then he slipped in all quiet like: '...but there are some really bad parts, too.'
yo man
i was 2 seconds away from lookin at him and screamin NIGGA YOU LIVED IN THE FUCKIN WEST END FOR 3/4S OF YOUR LIFE & NOW U TOO GOOD?! gotdamn man. he honestly made me sick.
& i remember a long time ago when Angie Stone's 'Brotha' came out.. we was in the car listenin to it, again he was takin me home to the west end that reared him but apparently wasnt good enuff to keep him, and the part where she sings '...and to evrywunna yall behind bars, know that Angie luvs ya' this bastard sneers & says
'yeah, well maybe if they weren't doin what they were doin anyway they wldnt be in jail needin somebody's love' or some stupid bougie sheltered ass shit like that.
i dont know my pops too well & he knows even less about me. the more i discover about him, the less compatible we seem & sometimes i think about what life wld be like w/o him. the most i can come up w/ is that i'd be 50 bucks shorter evrymonth cause thats about all he does. shows up, presses a 50 into my hand & bounces. the sporadic times we talk on the phone consists of him whining about something new & talkin to me like its completely my fault that we never spend time together.
we need to just go ahead and have that big hurtful emotional conversation that ive been avoiding for years, the one where ill tell him that i resent him for all the bullshit he's given me & ill read to him directly from my mental rolodex of fucked up shit he did & didn't do. ill apologize to him & ill yell at him & we'll cry & then i dunno what'll happen. maybe things'll get better. maybe they won't. but that needs to happen. and it will... im a grown ass woman now & im becoming less & less afraid of emotion evryday.
wow
i certainly didn't mean to go that deep into my daddy-daughter deal. im posed to be talkin bout how fuckin fantastic my mama is by this point. yo, u know what she did?
i didnt have anything for my daddy for christmas. i just havent been able to find him anything and after that damn fiasco in his car last nite i was okay w/ not gettin him one, as mean as that sounds. but my mama, bless her heart, goes out on christmas eve and picks up a little something for me to give to him. 30 bucks of her own money she put forth to buy a gift that'll end up in the hands of a man she despises & i dont like too much right now. evrygift ive ever given that man, for christmas and father's day and such, she's bought it for me, no questions asked.
know how many mother's day or christmas presents for my mommy he's bought for me, knowing that im broke, watching and listening to me worry about not being able to get her anything?
none.
and this aint about money, its about compassion. she said she got that gift for him because she loves me. she's so selfless. i admire th t about her more than anything. i realized today that the reason ppl think that im spoiled is b/c she's always giving me stuff. whatever i need she does; when she gets wind of something i want, she does that too when she can. and i never ask her for the things she does for me; evrything she gives, she gives of her own volition.
yesterday she told me a story of a christmas when my brother was like 5 yrs old. she didnt have any money that christmas; she didnt have a job & there was no one to help support her; she didnt tell her brothers & sisters & stuff cause she didnt want them to worry or go w/o because of helping her. so the most she cld get my brother was a sweater & a toy; she said that he told her he understood, but he started crying & was so disappointed. she said her heart broke & that day she vowed that to never have another christmas like that.
and that's why she overdoes it evrychristmas.
not so much this yr, cause she just redid the kitchen, but she's done lots of shoppin. responsibly, im sure, but man. good heart that woman's got.
all i got her was a sweater & some dressy pants, which is good cause she said she needed sweaters, but i feel like i havent gotten her enuff, especially after what she did for me & my pops. i guess her spirit of over-doin it has been passed to me by proxy, huh?
and what does 'by proxy' mean?
whatever. this entry is way longer than i'd intended.
OH and u know what else he kept sayin while we were out shopping? he kept callin stuff gay. evrything was gay. 'that's gay' 'this is sorta gay' 'dont u think that looks kinda gay?' he sounded like a fucking 15 yr old, i promise u. u know what? ima tell him that im gay the next time he starts that shit. and ima be dead serious w/ it. im not gon tell him that im not gay until i get pregnant or married or some shit. damn.
okay. im done venting.
ITS CHRISTMAS EVE!
the holiday doesn't hold as much magic & excitement for me as it used to. that comes w/ gettin older i guess. but i am looking forward to tomorrow and the days that follow. ill get to see a buncha friends that i havent seen in a very very long time.
& nate, u're still invited to join us. i dunno how u gon get down hurr, tho.
i cant wait til the very last week.
id tell u why, but even tho this is my own personal blawg, im still conscious of the fact that im writing for an audience.
