visiting the fraternal unit again. there's a lot i cld say a/b this trip, but since at least 2 members of the channel 69 (<- yo, where'd i get that from, anyway?) viewing audience bears an unfortunate allegiance to innanapolis, i'll keep all my negative comments to myself.
got there. ate. shopped a lil bit. laid around. chased my brother down the street w/ an umbrella. twas fun.
i'll see him again next weekend; he's comin down to help move me back to skoo on sunday. i'm ready to go back, but it's like, man.. really, who stole all the time? the summer just flew by, which ain't really a bad thing. it needs to die. quickly.
& im ready to take on this bastard ass semester by the horns & be like, 'who run this shit? I run this shit!!' & then just c-walk all over it's head. f'real. im kickin this year's ass. ima be up on the academics like i never ever was before--i want a 3.5 GPA per semester at least. prolly ain't too realistic considerin all the Fizdale classes ima hafta take--i cain't stand that lil focker--but i'm aimin high.
aaaaaand ima get my physical on point. changin my diet. exercisin. i feel so unhealthy on the inside; like all i did this summer was eat & sit & sleep & eat. livin in this house w/ no personal transpo & no job with which to pull some grocery money, i've had virtually no control over my diet. when the food runs out (which is freakin OFTEN, lemme tell u what) it's either eat some greasy ass heart-stoppin fast food shit or starve. starvin aint' sexy. so i've made do. it's gotten to the pt where fast food makes me queasy now, which i guess is a good thing. the less blk folk eat of that deathgrub the better.
im ramblin like a mug. :oP
i'm also gonna hit up the career development center @ school once i get there so they can help me figure out what i wanna do & where i wanna be. no--where i NEED to be. i've realized that i'm considerin all the wrong shit in makin plans for movin outta this place. i need to be somewhere i'm gonna prosper & be happy. if i fuck up & move somewhere b/c i think it's pretty or i like the accents of the ppl there or i wanna be close to a buncha IHOPs or sumthin (and by the freakin way--we went to ihop before we left innanapolis... the service was shitty, but the food was orgasmic. AND i got another mug, baby. 2 down, 6 to go!) i'ma end up broke down & pissed when i get bored w/ the scenery or the accents or the ihops (truthfully i don't see gettin tired of ihop possible. i ain't never met a pannacake i ain't like).
my mama suggested i go somewhere & work awhile before i head to grad school, maybe an internship w/ a magazine or sum'n. sounds reasonable, but if the economy don't get it's act together by the time i graduate... grad skoo it is. y'know, i've tried to explain to her why i wanna get outta kentucky & either i just don't know how or she just can't understand. she doesn't want me to leave. but i think she'll support me in my endeavors anyway.. she just wants her babygirl happy & safe & i understand that.
i got the best mommy in the world.
so yeah.
that's what im finna do.
ima get up my strength & kick the world in the ass & just laff in it's face.
i'm laffin at uuuuuuuu
i'm laffin at u nooooooooow (c) big pun
in other news, i really really want a typewriter, even tho im still blocked like an asshole tha's been superglued shut. know what tho, i've been reading 'juneteenth' by ralph ellison & man... he just makes u wanna write. he was such a brilliant writer... granted, i stay lost & confused 95% of the time while readin his stuff; he had some kinda crazy literary vision. dude used words in ways that i'd never in a million yrs consider doin & it's beautiful. definitely inspiring. hopefully his words will be the collard greens to the impacted bowel of my mental & i'll get some shit out. metaphorically speaking, of course.
welp, i'm bout outta words. i got a racist fish who's water needs changin.
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do, I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time
Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's when you found me, when you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you, and how you needed me too
That hasn't happened in the longest time
Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've gone this far
And it's more than I'd hoped for
Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself, hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
It's wonderful so far
And you're more than I'd hoped for
I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time
----------------------------------
basically.
i just started listenin to this tonite
but it's been on repeat for months.
i took my bike for my usual spin around the park today... ive had so much on my mind, & the wind in my face always helps me think, so i went to chickasaw & saw him there. he's an older guy, middle-aged, aaalways at the park. he & his friends are always sittin at a bench along the walk/run/bike trail & evrytime i ride past, he waves, winks, tries to get me to stop & i never do. but im always polite.
he caught me while he was runnin today. i was on my bike & he was like, 'come run w/ me.' i didn't have the energy to smile & refuse politely, so i slowed next to him & finallly spoke to him. (side note: dude has the most gorgeous, delicious lookin male legs ive ever seen. & the thighs? we ain't gon talk about the thighs, all middle-aged & glistenin. lawd.)
he spent most of the time talkin about himself (he reminds me of my daddy in that respect). then he glanced down at my ring finger & saw the wedding band i always wear.
'so u married?'
no. just a ring my mama found. i think it's pretty.
'boyfriend?'
........nah.
'u sure? took u a minute to answer.'
*polite chuckle*
'so what do u do?'
im a student. bout to graduate w/ a degree in blah blah.
'really? what are u gonna do when u finish?'
go back to school.
'where?'
i dunno.
'to do what?'
i dunno.
'well what do u wanna be?'
i dunno.
i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. i dunno.
that's my life right now. & it SUCKS. so many ppl i know seem to have their lives fuckin PLANNED. me? im just kinda floatin around accidental-like, on a breeze <-- (c) Forrest Gump
im cravin certainty & some kinda fuckin concreteness, right? but here's the thing?
im too indecisive & basically scared of not hittin the goals i set for myself. so i just don't make them.
like, i'd love to sit down & be like, 'i'm gonna graduate w/ my bachelor of art's degree in english, go on to graduate school to morgan state in baltimore where i'll have a nice apartment, a pretty good job & at the very least *access* to a good blk man worthy of the love im itchin to give to somebody, get my master's in african-american literature & creative writing, maybe later a BA in women's studies if possible, go on to get my doctorate, write some award winnin books & plays, get tenure at a respected institution of higher learning, make maaaaaaaaaad money, raise some beautiful brown babies that'll never ever want for anything & be set for life w/ the love of a good man, good kids & a good god.
i dare not say that to anyone tho. im afraid to claim any of that for myself b/c im so scared it won't happen, either cause i can't make it happen or it just ain't supposed to be. ive always been afraid of failure & that's sumthin about me i really really need to change.
im just so fuckin tired of not knowing, y'know? not knowin where ill end up. not knowin what's waitin for me. im tired of this house. im tired of this city & state & more than half the ppl in my life. im tired of bein alone.
i gotta grow a damn backbone before i can change any of that tho.
*prays for some vertebrae & shit*
i feel like i can't do nuthin right around here sometimes.
it's 1:05 pm. few minutes ago i was walkin past my granny's room & she called me in to her. sidenote- she hasn't been wearing clothes lately. i dunno how to feel about grams prancin round in her draws. but maybe tha's how the rest of the house feels when i do it.
whatever.
anyway-
'tracy.. i, uh... u're gonna walk with me up to the drug store.'
that's her way of asking me to walk to the store w/ her. that shit irritates me & i guess it showed on my face. i was like 'yeah, okay.. when u wanna go?' & she said whenever i get ready, if i really wanted to go.
in my head: no, i really don't. it's hot outside & u prolly shldn't be out in heat like this & u take FOREVER in that damn store & i gotta get back here & shower before 4 tonite.
but
i said that i didn't mind & we cld go. she didn't believe me so she came in to & started talkin bout how she was posed go yesterday, but reda never called & she thinks she's got medicine to pick up & blah blah blah. so im like it's okay, i'll walk with you.
but then i noticed her hobbling around. her legs are hurting pretty bad, even tho she won't say so. i wasn't gonna ask her if they were hurting cause she'd say no, so i was just like
'mama, if you're legs are hurting, then im not gonna walk w/ u. i don't think u shld walk too much when they hurt like that.'
so she sits down on my bed & i just watched her lil face drop & her eyes rim w/ tears.
'ooh, that's arright.. i'll go sometime today..'
she meant later today. i told her i gotta work today.
'oh, u do? i didn't know that... well, i'll get there, i guess...'
then she left.
she's probably in her room cryin rite now.
congratulations, tracy, you've just made ur granny cry AGAIN! what're u gonna do next?!
i just don't want her to be out there in the heat hurtin, man. but of course it never comes across that way. in her head, i'm not gonna walk w/ her b/c i don't want to, b/c she's old & she'll slow me down & i think she shld do nuthing but just sit around for the rest of her days.
$%#$@&$%*^UYT!$#@#%@&^*
i'm puttin on some pants & draggin that woman to the store kickin & screamin if i have to. but damnit--GOTDAMNIT i am NOT spendin 2 & a half hrs in no damn walgreens lookin @ what's on sale.
damnit.
& in other news, im deletin that shitty piece i 'wrote' yesterday. i was gonna keep it around, but it sucks. it SUCKS. so im done. im not gonna try to write anymore. when the words are ready to fall, they'll fall.
& if i never write again, i guess i've had a pretty good ride.
gggrrrrrrrrr i need a punchin bag. or a penis.
preferably a penis.
yes...
a penis wld be lovely rite now.. *daydreamin*
the sun is shinin bright as hell outside but it's rainin like the devil.
'the devil is beating his wife'
i've always wondered about that phrase. such a negative & dreary stigma for sumthin so inspiring as the sun cutting thru thunderheads to shine even tho it ain't posed to.
'the devil's wife is shinin even tho she ain't posed to.'
but that wld akin the sun to the devil (if it's the devils wife that's shining, that wld make her the sun, right? which wld be in cohorts w/ evil itself, being married to it & all), & i suppose something so celestial & heavenly shld be held as a polar opposite to hellfire & brimstone & alla that.
know what tho?
i think that maybe it's not such a negative connotation after all. she got a lil too bright for him; he beats her cause he's scared of her beauty & sheen. drop after drop after drop, he sends his goons out to drive the masses indoors, out of her rays & away from her beauty. u'd think she'd just shy away w/ no one on earth to keep her company, but nope. she's still out, still shining.
so 'the devil is beating his wife.'
still, she shines.
i bet if lil blk girls knew that, it wld be the one time they brave those liquid fists & risk gettin their perms wet to play in the sun.
& right now i'm feeling very emotionally drained--
they did a special on hostage negotiators. they followed a fella named Wally--56, snow white hair, 3 kids & a wife @ home--on a negotiation he did in Queens. i dunno how long ago this was--im assuming it was recent, & there was snow on the ground in the footage they showed.
there was another negotiator on that scene too; i think he name may have been Frank, i don't remember. Wally was the one who actually did the speaking via phone to Jared, the young blk male who was inside the house that the police van was watching.
Jared was inside his ex-girlfriend's house, Diane. they'd broken up, more than likely b/c of their abusive relationship (he had a history of beating her & at the time had 3 felonies already). he'd gone to the house earlier that day w/ a gun to confront Diane; finding her gone, he instead shot 3 other ppl on the front lawn. one of those ppl was Diane's mother. @ the show's beginning, they were all stablized @ a local hospital.
he told the police that he was inside the house w/ 3 other ppl & his 4 month old daughter, Cheyenne w/ a loaded gun. Wally talked for 7 hrs, trying to get Jared let the ppl go & to get Jared himself out of the house.
Jared was sayin shit that made it clear that he didn't plan on walkin outta that house.
'where's Diane? i just wanna scream on Diane one last time.'
'i'm just tryna spend these last few minutes w/ my daughter, nahmean? tha's all i'm tryna do.'
'yo, i dunno how to tell u this.. im not gon be walkin outta this house.'
i just kept thinkin man... please walk out the house. god i hope he walks outta that house.. i hope evrybody's gonna be okay. i mean, i was really *really* caught up in this show.
they showed pictures. one of Jared & Diane together. both beautiful ppl, Diane dark skinned, Jared light, about my complexion w/ thick lips & eyebrows. they showed two of him w/ his daughter. they made a gorgeous child.
please walk out the house
god i hope he walks outta that house
damn i hope he's okay today
Jared told Wally that he was gonna send his daughter out w/ the female hostage he had; but instead, an older man brought the baby out. police pinned him against a car & frisked him, thinking that he may have actually been Jared & was trying to escape. but the man's name was James Alexander. he told police that he was the only other one in that house besides Jared & the baby.
then he told them that Jared shot himself under the chin as he was talking out. there was a problem tho, cause Wally & the others on the phone never heard a shot.
i ain't start cryin til the narrator said that the shot had been silenced by a pillow.
i felt so defeated, man. helpless. another blk man gone, another blk baby fatherless. they started showing pictures of Jared and Cheyenne together again and i just kept sayin to myself 'she needs u, man... she needs u..'
prolly seems like im some kinda flake who gets way too caught up in news broadcasts, but this hits home-
bout 2, 3 yrs ago, 2 of my 1st cousins committed suicide within 2 months of each other. they were brothers.
and their stories, when considered together, are so much like Jared's story it's uncanny.
Dee, i think, had a history of beating his girlfriend. Jared had probably intended on killing Diane. Dee intended on killing his girlfriend, too, & actually did it. just like Jared & Diane, Dee & his girlfriend had a little girl. Ty was so distraught over losing Dee that he stayed drunk for the next 2 months. Ty'd had a history of problems w/ the police, just like Jared, & the last time i saw Ty, he was standing in my doorway swearing that he'd die before he went back to jail. i bet Jared felt the same way. he'd rather die than go to anybody's literal or figurative jail.
Ty's son is like his twin, man. looks exactly like him. he's gorgeous.
yall...
we cain't afford to lose no more.
beyond that, i really don't know what to say.
i've been sitting on this story for awhile; i think it's been somewhat of a secret shame in my family, a weakness we're trying to strengthen by not talking about it or recollecting or re-membering. i think that's a mistake, but it's so painful still. so awkward. still unbelievable.
my uncle--Ty & Dee's father--wasn't in their lives growing up, & when he was he was more than likely drunk & abusive. they inherited that from him i guess. he's calmed a lot, tho.. gentle as a lamb. a childless father of a lamb.
i have a picture of him dancing with his grandchildren at a family reunion 2 yrs ago. it shldn't have taken the death of their father to bring them closer to their grandfather.
i dunno, man..
i think this is one of the reasons why i've unconsciously prepared to raise children alone. watching & learning from my mother w/ pops not bein there, i mean. bein blk, it's possible. it's so very unfairly possible.
shld i be blessed w/ a son, i pray that he has whatever so much of blk men don't or can't see for whatever reason. & i pray for the health, happiness & safety of the future father of my children, whoever he may be. it's great to have a man that wld die for u, but i'd much rather have one corageous enuff live for me.
i cld speak forever on this, but really, how much saving can speaking & talking do?
mmkay, so
remember rick? the slack-toofed server @ the jazz factory? im learnin more about him & my opinion's changed a bit since the book incident.
i mean, he's still an ass.
just a different kinda ass.
i was really standoffish towards him yesterday, cause quite frankly i wasn't in the mood for entertainin nunna his 'look@me' bullshit. we were pretty busy yesterday, so all 3 servers did pretty well tip-wise. of course, rick's braggin all damn day bout all the damn money he's makin.
'see this table right here? this itty bitty one? just left a 30 dollar tip. im tell u babe, u gotta know how to work em! u stick around here for awhile, u may mess around & learn sum'n, watch.'
gee, rick. yeah, that' great, rick. wow.
so i tried to send the message that i really didn't wanna talk to him, but still he kept runnin up to me w/ updates on how his cash game is comin. so im pissed. BUT, get this-
end of the night,
he's finna leave. gets all his stuff, heads past me toward the door.
'i'm out. i can't do this often, but when i can, i do. here.'
& he gives me $5. he gave me a tip.
the ONLY tip ive gotten & prolly ever will get @ that place.
'ppl give tips for good service & u did good seatin me those ppl today. tha's why i came out the way i did, so it ain't much, but thanks.'
!!!!
i was touched!! there really is a selfless person underneath alla that superbad mumbo jumbo he be hidin behind. i found out later that night thru danielle & my mama that rick's had a pretty hard life. used to be into drugs, & from what danielle told me, he's homeless right now. so if that's true, then chances are he is the way he is b/c he's fighting to get his life back, y'know? u gotta have faith & confidence that u can pull urself outta ur hole before anyone else will, & the position he was prolly in, he has to be cutthroat & overly confident cause he's got that much more of a struggle. plus, after i let go of my judgemental assumtion (which was NOT completely unwarranted.. dude really is an ass) i let myself to see & understand a lil bit more.
so yeah.. rick's a good dude.
still an ass, but a good dude.
in other news, tomorrow's supposed to be my last day, but mr. bossman wants me back for tuesday & wednesday of next week. solid. lil extra change in the pocket. my mama's goin outta town this weekend, to florida w/ her guyfriend. so i'll get a lil bitta solitary time, provided that i can get granny to leave evry once in awhile. & im gonna try & spend a lil time w/ sean & his ppls this weekend; i haven't really been the best friend to either him or teddy this summer, & i feel bad about that. but they're not understanding that i've kinda been goin thur & haven't really felt up to the ol' slapstick laugh-about times we're so accustomed to, y'know?
but
ima call gully b
get up w/ sean
& see if we cain't let the good times roll for old times sake.
'old times'
im tryna get up the courage to create some new times w/ new ppl in new environments. i dunno, i feel like im on the brink of a really big change, y'know? im so used to turning my back on it, but man, im tired of doin that. im tryna face & embrace whatever it is this time.
gettin grown, huh?
maybe.
let's hope so.
& in other other news, this blog shit ain't really helpin my writer's block.
^#%^#%*$^@$#!^#*%&()YT#
he's stayin in indianapolis now. he's been up there for quite some time... not quite a yr yet, i don't think, but it's been a minute. when he first got there he was teaching GED courses, & now he's doin some kinda work for the salvation army. i think he moved b/c he just needed to get out on his own, which wasn't easy cause he has a growing daughter here who needs her daddy. him leaving cause a lotta tears, both on this end and his, but by & large, i think it was for the better. he's much healthier (emotionally) now than he was when he was here.
i miss his punk ass, man.
i ain't realize how much until me, him, our mama & my neice were all together again.
now before he left here, he'd gained some weight b/c he stopped smokin. it all went to his gut. looked like he was pregnant. but now? maaaaaaaaan his face is gettin all fat, he's growin boobicles, his legs are gettin big. dude's lettin himself go. & of course i told him so evrychance i got--we spent the weekend trading quips & insults, makin up for lost time, i guess.
him: *gettin in the car, puttin on his seat belt*
me: aw, man... i hope somebody got some cocoa butter.
erbody else: y?
me: cause he finna put some stretch marks on that seat belt.
*rimshot*
me: *sittin @ the table of some restaurant* does your food taste funny?
erbody: *shakin heads 'no'*
me: so why does this taste so funny to me?
him: b/c it's human food.
*rimshot*
me: u know what, i cld respond to that, but ima be the bigger person--*looks @ his massively rotund tub of chub*--well, FIGURATIVELY speaking i'ma be the bigger person.
& alla that really means 'i love u' & 'i love u too.'
we got to his house early. it was the first time my mother or i had been there, but my neice had been there once before. she's got a pretty good memory; she pointed out his house way before we cld find where we'd written his street address. he & i are 8 yrs apart. when i was little i never really liked him. that sounds harsh, but it's true, & that's not to say that i didn't love him. i've always loved him, but damn, he used to torture & tease me to the point of tears when i was little. so we've never been the huggy/kissy type; we got in the door & we all got our usual loving greetings from him.
a kiss & a hug for my mama
a kiss & a hug for my neice
& a 'WOAH, it's chewbacca!' for me.
twas all good, tho.
from his house we went to the mall to get some school stuff for my neice, & it was the funniest thing; he gave us a slight tour of the city on the way, but evrything he pointed out was a restaurant.
'they've got the best chicken club ever.'
'this here? best place for italian food.'
all his directions were relative to restaurant locations. child is just fat for no reason.
anyway
we went shoppin & we acted up, all of us. my family is comical folk. constant jokin, slapstick, name callin. it was the best. my neice, as usual, got damn near evrything she wanted. my mama spent way too much money on evrybody--food, gifts, hotel room, etc. & my brother even bought me a lil sumthin; he got me a big ass g-fab belt buckle w/ my name in it. yo, u cain't tell me nuthin when i got that bastards on, man. it's the SHIT.
$70 bucks. i told him he didn't have to, but he did it anyway.
the next day we were supposed to go to my beloved iHOP. yo, matta fack, lemme use this time to gripe about friggin indianapolis. the friggin brickyard 500 was goin on. that damn car race? yeah, that mess. it was approx. 4326083703649865193516 tourists in the city that weekend & i swear, EVRY LAST ONE of them bastards was at iHOP when we got there. ain't that some shit? so i ain't even get no pannacakes.
fuckers.
yo, i can tell u sumthin i really really liked a/b the city even tho i hate indiana w/ evrysingle bone, breath & cell in my body--sunflowers. we rode thru some pretty broken down blk neighborhoods, but i swear to u, evry other yard had the most beautiful sunflowers. it reminded me of when i walked home from downtown thru the 'hood' w/ a bunch of sunflowers & all the compliments blk folk gave me.
i guess blk folk figure they gon touch some sun somehow. that's some beautiful shit, chief.
anyway
we grabbed some food, kicked it for awhile & hit the road at about 2 pm. im leavin out a whole bunch about the trip & the circumstances surrounding, but im gettin tired of writing.
the point of this entry, tho, is this:
i love blk men.
i love blk men & i think my brother is a huge part of the reason why.
i grew up w/ him. granted, i was young when he began to go thru this blk man trials, but i wasn't stupid. i wasn't stupid. i learned from him as he grew. when life & society was throwing evrything it cld in his path to stop him from advancing i looked at him & saw what his struggle was like & my love for him made me wish that i cld do something, anything to make the road smoother. when he came into my room one afternoon & cried into my t-shirt b/c he felt that he had no control over his life, when he tried selling drugs b/c it was the quickest way for a blk man to make money, when he fathered 3 children w/ 3 different women b/c he was looking for something & didn't know what... when he hurt b/c of the hurdles... i hurt w/ him.
i hurt w/ him & i knew that there were millions like him, goin thru the same shit. i remember saying & thinking to myself 'all he needs is a chance.. just one chance.. if he only had a chance..'
so many blk men aren't given chances, man.
& it ain't only hard on yall. your blk mothers & sisters & lovers & wives & daughters & cousins.. we need yall. holdin yall up w/ one hand & fightin our own battles w/ the other is never easy, but we have to.
& i try to glory in doing so. honestly, few things move me the way successful blk men do, be they 5 or 55 yrs old cause i know the odds are stacked so high against them.
no matter how many times i've been treated like shit by men who just happen to be blk, i remember that my brother is a good blk man who deserves a chance & that there are millions like him.
i cherish the male friends i have in my life, at least 3 of whom are prolly reading this rite now.
so blk men, i love yall.
summa yall need to get yall sorry asses together, that i wont' deny.
but hey, in the midst of all the blk men are dogs/blk men ain't shit/blk men just can't control themselves/etc/etc/etc..
at least know that there's a lil brown girl in kentucky pullin fer ya.
AHDIEAH: what up
AHDIEAH: you not working today
TracimusLynnicus: nooe
TracimusLynnicus: *nope
TracimusLynnicus: not til tuesday
AHDIEAH: oh
AHDIEAH: i will be home tomorrow night
TracimusLynnicus: word
TracimusLynnicus: home as in
TracimusLynnicus: ?
AHDIEAH: louisville
TracimusLynnicus: !
TracimusLynnicus: why come?
AHDIEAH: i got into it with ricky
TracimusLynnicus: oh lord
AHDIEAH: because i was talking to a friend of mine in louisville
AHDIEAH: i pay the phone bill but he got an attitude
TracimusLynnicus: so u're leavin over a fight a/b the phone?
AHDIEAH: he doesn't want me to have any connetion to louisville
TracimusLynnicus: none at all?
TracimusLynnicus: but dude
TracimusLynnicus: i'm wonderful.
TracimusLynnicus: tell him im the exception
AHDIEAH: no i'm leaving because he fought me like i was some chick on the street
TracimusLynnicus: fist fought?
AHDIEAH: with a belt like i was 12
TracimusLynnicus: !!
TracimusLynnicus: call the police!
AHDIEAH: hit me in the face and all
AHDIEAH: i got bruises all on my arm
TracimusLynnicus: go to the police
TracimusLynnicus: seriously
AHDIEAH: face all swallen
AHDIEAH: swollen
TracimusLynnicus: dallas
TracimusLynnicus: go
AHDIEAH: my bafd
TracimusLynnicus: to
TracimusLynnicus: the
TracimusLynnicus: police
AHDIEAH: nope cause they will just out me off his property
AHDIEAH: but he kicked me out anyway
TracimusLynnicus: well you're leaving tomorrow, right?
TracimusLynnicus: there u go
AHDIEAH: hey
TracimusLynnicus: so go to the police
AHDIEAH: yeah
AHDIEAH: plus i waited to long to report it
AHDIEAH: this happened wed.
TracimusLynnicus: i don't think it's too late. you should try anyway.
AHDIEAH: that is what debra told me too do the night it happened
AHDIEAH: but i was like i just want to leave.
TracimusLynnicus: you can't let him keep treating you like this, dallas
TracimusLynnicus: just leaving isn't gonna fix or change anything
AHDIEAH: i think it will hurt him more if i just don't have anything
AHDIEAH: to do with him
TracimusLynnicus: yeah, but he deserves some reprecussion for what he did
TracimusLynnicus: press charges and THEN not have anything to do with him.
AHDIEAH: i will think about it
TracimusLynnicus: you seriously need to start taking a stand & stop letting ppl treat you like shit
AHDIEAH: so what are you doing today
TracimusLynnicus: nope. subject change won't work
AHDIEAH: yes it will
AHDIEAH: i need to laugh
AHDIEAH: so make me laugh
TracimusLynnicus: i would, but im not in a very comical mood after hearing that u were just beaten by your father & won't do anything about it
AHDIEAH: how is the job oging do you like
TracimusLynnicus: dallas
AHDIEAH: going
AHDIEAH: tracy
AHDIEAH: what
TracimusLynnicus: forget the job
TracimusLynnicus: forget evrything else
TracimusLynnicus: we gotta get u back on track
TracimusLynnicus: does your mother know about what happened?
AHDIEAH: yes
TracimusLynnicus: what's she saying about it?
AHDIEAH: and she doesn't care
AHDIEAH: thinks it is funny
AHDIEAH: but then she is all upset now because
AHDIEAH: i said i want let him do that to me
AHDIEAH: and im leaving
AHDIEAH: now she wanna cry and act upset
TracimusLynnicus: she's upset because you said you wouldn't let him do that to you?
TracimusLynnicus: so she's mad at you?
AHDIEAH: more because i said i'm leaving
AHDIEAH: i want stay in the same house with him
TracimusLynnicus: but she is mad at you for letting it happen?
AHDIEAH: or anywhere he could be
AHDIEAH: no she thought it was funny
TracimusLynnicus: AHDIEAH: but then she is all upset now because
AHDIEAH: i said i want let him do that to me <- what did you mean by that?
AHDIEAH: that he was hitting me with a belt or giving me a whippin
AHDIEAH: not let him treat me like i'm 12
TracimusLynnicus: and she's mad because she feels like u *let* him do that?
AHDIEAH: she thinks i should let him treat me like i am 12
TracimusLynnicus: oh
AHDIEAH: that i need to just do what they say
TracimusLynnicus: yeah, you definitely need to get away from those two
TracimusLynnicus: more importantly you need to press some charges
TracimusLynnicus: and let both of them know that u are a grown ass woman
TracimusLynnicus: & will either be treated as such or cut them off. that's what i wld do
AHDIEAH: that if i do something wrong that i should be punished by them
AHDIEAH: they have to raise me again
AHDIEAH: that is what ricky told me
TracimusLynnicus: well ricky's fulla shit. maybe somebody needs to tell him that
TracimusLynnicus: & bringin the law into the picture will at least let him know u're serious
AHDIEAH: That is what Lisa told him
TracimusLynnicus: who's lisa?
TracimusLynnicus: YOU tell him, dallas
AHDIEAH: my cousin
AHDIEAH: she lives down
TracimusLynnicus: your cousin ain't the one gettin smacked in the face w/ a belt
TracimusLynnicus: you have to send that message to him
AHDIEAH: no first he smack me with his hand in the face
AHDIEAH: then with the belt
TracimusLynnicus: the point is
AHDIEAH: but i have been telling him
TracimusLynnicus: but he won't listen to u, right?
AHDIEAH: they just want to listen to what i have to say
AHDIEAH: they just say do what i tell you to do
TracimusLynnicus: they'll listen to a battery charge.
TracimusLynnicus: they'll listen to a police report.
TracimusLynnicus: & if this goes on, they'll hafta listen to a judge in somebody's court.
TracimusLynnicus: but it will go on
TracimusLynnicus: if nothing else is done about it
AHDIEAH: can we change the subject now
TracimusLynnicus: i dunno, dall
TracimusLynnicus: im kinda upset
---------------------------------------------
yo
if u're reading & u're surrounded with ppl who love & care about u--family, friends, whatever
know that we all ain't that fortunate
& be thankful.
$125.63. not astounding, but i ain't tryna give it back neither.
i decided today that i really like the Jazz Factory. it's a friendly, quaint lil spot w/ EXCELLENT music; it's a great spot to go to w/ ur girlfriends or mixedfriends or significant other for good spirits & good jazz. the food tho is a lil too bourgie for my tastes (my uncle claude wld call it 'white ppl food'). but all & all, it's a nice spot. i can't walk in there w/o thinkin about the love intrest *swoons*
i even kinda like workin there. i didn't notice it until a couple guys from the city newspaper came in; they're runnin a story on the place, specifically about the no-smoking policy, i think (how's that for a boring ass article?). i was standing beneath the 'no smoking' sign & the guy w/ the camera took a couple shots, then the other guy came & asked some general questions. what do i do there, how do i like it, how does this place compare w/ others i've worked at. it wasn't until i noticed myself speaking so highly of the place & the staff there did i realize that i don't hate workin there as much as i thought i wld.
speakin of the staff, they some pretty cool ppl.
melanie - 31 from cincy. just got married. she's white, husband's jamaican. was a member of delta sigma theta @ IU. speaks fluent spanish. likes to talk, but not to an annoying degree.
kim - dunno how old; doesn't look over 23, is thin as a rail and has two--count em--TWO kids. hard to believe.
danielle - kinda ditzy, but a good girl. has one kid, i think.
but
as with evry good set of ppl, there must be one asshole. enter: rick.
rick is an ASS. man
yall,
okay... this muhfka-
he's an older cat. in his 40s im sure. either that or he just aged really, REALLY badly, prolly cause of crack. he look like an ex-crackhead. he's really tall, reeeally thin w/ medium brown skin. hairline's startin to recede & his mouth? fulla barely there, hooked & snared, summa here/summa there bits & pieces of slivers of teeth. and that's a flattering description, i assure u; look like dude chews on lit sticks of dynamite for fun.
& it's always the yukmoufs that always got sum'n to say.
the spaces in his teeth are filled w/ nuthin but praise for himself & evrytime, evrygotdamntime he opens his mouth he's talkin bout himself.
'oh ppl love me. they looooooove me. ppl come in here all the time askin for *me* i kid u not. just last week i had a party of 15 and a party of 25 come in here and ask for me. all u gotta do is know how to work your customers. and i got it, honey. i told ken ima be manager of this place soon. and i will do it, watch. cause i can.'
wow, rick. gee, that's great.
& he's so snide & underhanded. he's the type of cat that'll steal your wallet while u're lookin & get mad at u for sayin sumthin. apparently he's the owner's right-hand man, which means that he basically gets anything he wants in the restaurant. all the biggest parties, the best table sections. & the other severs--danielle specifically--are such sheep. they won't really say anything. dude flipped out on danielle yessaday b/c she spoke out about him being unfair & was just like 'fine rick, whatever you want.'
yo
let him come bitch at me like that. i'm only there for 2 weeks, i don't care if i piss u off. yo snaggletoofed ass ain't finna truck me.
i can't stand him. i tolerate him to keep him from thinkin he can step outta lines w/ me, but today? today i wanted soooo badly to knock him offa his imaginary high horse. i get in today a lil early, so im chillin @ my station. rick comes up to me.
'u look bored. u like to read?'
yeah.
'i got a book in the back. u wannit?'
what is it?
''disappearing acts.''
terry mcmillian?
'yeah.'
i hate terry mcmillian.
'oh. i got somethin else u can read then.'
dude leaves & comes back w/ a composition book. soon as he gets near, his damn mouth is open, braggin on some 'here, i wrote this in 3 days. ONLY 3 days, i sat & wrote this, just sat down & it all came off the top. i'm a novelist too. this is gonna hit the stores within a year.'
dude ain't know that i'm a writer too.
so im readin. and it sucks. it took him 3 days to fill that book w/ that mindless prattle? i cld have more & BETTER in 3 hrs & that's the gospel truth. i cld write circles around that cat & i'm my worst critic. i've never felt confident enuff to claim sumthin like that before, but in this case? so true. so freakin true, man.
it was a typical black dramatic arabesque knock-off e.lynn harris/terry mcmillan joint, only a lot slower, unorganized & just poorly written. dude didn't use quotation marks. how u not use quotation marks & u writin a novel? that coupled w/ his chicken scratch made gettin thru those damn pages slower than smoke offa shit. his characters were underdeveloped, he wasn't near descriptive enough, the plot was weak--it was just boring. it sucked. it sucked and i fully intended to tell him so.
'so what do u think so far?'
eh. it's okay.
'okay? *just* okay?'
yeah. well i mean, i don't typically read novels, specifically of this genre, so--
'that's 3 days. only 3 days. straight off the top.'
yeah, i know. i've done it before. i write too.
'really? what do you write?'
mostly poetry, prose & short stories.
'psh. oh. i did that in high school.'
really.
...
anyway-
'this'll be about $29 when it hits the shelves. have your money ready.'
uh..
well i said i don't typically read this kinda--
'oh you will. you will.'
i may slip u $5 for bein an okay guy, but im not peelin $29 bucks for this.
he just smiled that nauseating smile of his & strode on.
fucker wldn't even shut up long enuff for me to tell him he sucks.
in other news, i get the house to myself tomorrow. moms will be @ work, granny's goin home for our family reunion. i won't be there. neither will my mama, brother, or neice. i really, really used to look forward to goin to the country & actin up.
