he's such a trial.
okay. some quick background on my daddy-
he's a republican. a black one. a black republican. and he lives in the burbs.
keep that in mind.
yesterday me & pops went shoppin. it was the first time id seen him in months; i think ive only seen him like 2, 3 times since his divorce & id always figured that he'd change after gettin divorce, yknow? like i mean... his wife is a nice lady but she's very caught up in appearances & social acceptance. i think they only got married b/c they both thought that ppl their age shld be married, and i think that over the 8, 9 yrs they were married they only pretended to appear happy b/c married folks are posed to be happy. so i figured that once he was out of that bind & she out of the same, they'd both change a bit. i saw her at a play not long ago & she seemed really happy. overdressed, but happy.
not too much has changed in pops.
he whines a lot now, & i guess he has cause to. but he's such a defeatist.
his damn conservative republicanism sho as hell aint changed tho. yo.. my pops is the kind of person to blame homelessness on homeless ppl & look down on evrybody who lives outside the little clean cut box of what American life shld be.
i live in the blk part of town.
he lived there for the better part of his life, & ever since he moved to the burbs he ack like he too good, not only for the 'hood' or the 'ghetto' or whathave u, but for the ppl who are there not cause they wanna be, but b/c they HAVE to be. he's so oblivious to evrything. and his opinion of blk ppl makes me nauseous, im tellin u.
back to the shoppin story tho-
we're in the car on the way back to my house to drop me off. we're in the middle of one of those semi-awkward silences (i dont even find them awkward anymore; i used to struggle to find somethin to say, but now im just like 'fuck it. i dont got nuthin to talk about') when he asks me what im gonna do after school just to make conversation. i tell him that i dont really know, & i tell him that i wanna move, & that i really wanna move to chicago & blah blah blah. that whole spiel. then i say the ususal
'...but wherever i go, im gonna make sure im surrounded with like a thousand black ppl.. hahahaha'
i was serious, but i was jokin too. he didnt laff. he was just like
'yeah, well.. be sure u surround urself w/ good decent ppl.. u dont wanna get caught up in nuthin..' there was a hint of disdain & warning in his voice. i already knew what he was gettin at.
'..yeah, i know. but i mean, that's the same w/ any "race" of ppl. good ones & bad ones. that's w/ everybody.'
'yeah... but its more prevalent in black folks tho.'
what the fuck?
can yall believe that shit came out a black man's mouth?? holy hell. i cant even remember what i said to him after that. i was just in disbelief. somewhere along the lines that followed he goes,
'u know, the higher up u get in wealth & education, the less blk folk u're likely to see.'
son of a bitch.
'yeah, i guess but i mean im pretty sure ill be in a position to LIVE and associate where i want to if i cant chose the sort of environment that i work in.'
'yeah, that's tr--'
'and u know what? im gonna stay w/ my ppl. like if i won the lottery right now, tomorrow, and i was gonna stay livin in kentucky? in this city? id stay in the west end, right where i am now.'
he sounded all disgusted & shit talkin bout '....really?'
'yeah, of course. i love it where i live.' it was quiet for a minute. i was disgusted & i aint wanna give him a chance to change the subject. 'u know... the west end gets a horribly bad rap. it aint as bad as ppl wanna make it look.'
i guess maybe he felt my offense. 'oh.. oh yeah, yeah it definately gets a bad rap.' he sounded sorta embarrassed. i hoped i was finally gettin thru to him. ...but then he slipped in all quiet like: '...but there are some really bad parts, too.'
yo man
i was 2 seconds away from lookin at him and screamin NIGGA YOU LIVED IN THE FUCKIN WEST END FOR 3/4S OF YOUR LIFE & NOW U TOO GOOD?! gotdamn man. he honestly made me sick.
& i remember a long time ago when Angie Stone's 'Brotha' came out.. we was in the car listenin to it, again he was takin me home to the west end that reared him but apparently wasnt good enuff to keep him, and the part where she sings '...and to evrywunna yall behind bars, know that Angie luvs ya' this bastard sneers & says
'yeah, well maybe if they weren't doin what they were doin anyway they wldnt be in jail needin somebody's love' or some stupid bougie sheltered ass shit like that.
i dont know my pops too well & he knows even less about me. the more i discover about him, the less compatible we seem & sometimes i think about what life wld be like w/o him. the most i can come up w/ is that i'd be 50 bucks shorter evrymonth cause thats about all he does. shows up, presses a 50 into my hand & bounces. the sporadic times we talk on the phone consists of him whining about something new & talkin to me like its completely my fault that we never spend time together.
we need to just go ahead and have that big hurtful emotional conversation that ive been avoiding for years, the one where ill tell him that i resent him for all the bullshit he's given me & ill read to him directly from my mental rolodex of fucked up shit he did & didn't do. ill apologize to him & ill yell at him & we'll cry & then i dunno what'll happen. maybe things'll get better. maybe they won't. but that needs to happen. and it will... im a grown ass woman now & im becoming less & less afraid of emotion evryday.
wow
i certainly didn't mean to go that deep into my daddy-daughter deal. im posed to be talkin bout how fuckin fantastic my mama is by this point. yo, u know what she did?
i didnt have anything for my daddy for christmas. i just havent been able to find him anything and after that damn fiasco in his car last nite i was okay w/ not gettin him one, as mean as that sounds. but my mama, bless her heart, goes out on christmas eve and picks up a little something for me to give to him. 30 bucks of her own money she put forth to buy a gift that'll end up in the hands of a man she despises & i dont like too much right now. evrygift ive ever given that man, for christmas and father's day and such, she's bought it for me, no questions asked.
know how many mother's day or christmas presents for my mommy he's bought for me, knowing that im broke, watching and listening to me worry about not being able to get her anything?
none.
and this aint about money, its about compassion. she said she got that gift for him because she loves me. she's so selfless. i admire th t about her more than anything. i realized today that the reason ppl think that im spoiled is b/c she's always giving me stuff. whatever i need she does; when she gets wind of something i want, she does that too when she can. and i never ask her for the things she does for me; evrything she gives, she gives of her own volition.
yesterday she told me a story of a christmas when my brother was like 5 yrs old. she didnt have any money that christmas; she didnt have a job & there was no one to help support her; she didnt tell her brothers & sisters & stuff cause she didnt want them to worry or go w/o because of helping her. so the most she cld get my brother was a sweater & a toy; she said that he told her he understood, but he started crying & was so disappointed. she said her heart broke & that day she vowed that to never have another christmas like that.
and that's why she overdoes it evrychristmas.
not so much this yr, cause she just redid the kitchen, but she's done lots of shoppin. responsibly, im sure, but man. good heart that woman's got.
all i got her was a sweater & some dressy pants, which is good cause she said she needed sweaters, but i feel like i havent gotten her enuff, especially after what she did for me & my pops. i guess her spirit of over-doin it has been passed to me by proxy, huh?
and what does 'by proxy' mean?
whatever. this entry is way longer than i'd intended.
OH and u know what else he kept sayin while we were out shopping? he kept callin stuff gay. evrything was gay. 'that's gay' 'this is sorta gay' 'dont u think that looks kinda gay?' he sounded like a fucking 15 yr old, i promise u. u know what? ima tell him that im gay the next time he starts that shit. and ima be dead serious w/ it. im not gon tell him that im not gay until i get pregnant or married or some shit. damn.
okay. im done venting.
ITS CHRISTMAS EVE!
the holiday doesn't hold as much magic & excitement for me as it used to. that comes w/ gettin older i guess. but i am looking forward to tomorrow and the days that follow. ill get to see a buncha friends that i havent seen in a very very long time.
& nate, u're still invited to join us. i dunno how u gon get down hurr, tho.
i cant wait til the very last week.
id tell u why, but even tho this is my own personal blawg, im still conscious of the fact that im writing for an audience.
but i dont feel like writing so this'll be short. well.. at least shorter than the last.
i didnt go to uncle marion's funeral last tuesday.
i wld have, but somebody had to stay home & wait for the kids after school, & there was no guarantee that we'd all get back in time, so i stayed.
i got eeshawn's kwannukah gift in the mail that afternoon (thank u again!!)
brian's funeral was friday in indianapolis. i went. my mama drove & me & my aunt denise & aunt pauline rode along. we hadda leave early.. it's a 2.5 hr drive & evrything started at like 10. i didn't cry; the only time i got close during the wake & funeral was when i looked at my brother & saw how upset he was. i rode w/ him to the church while my mama nem followed in my mama's car.
'im nervous. i aint never been no pallbearer before.'
me & my brother have never been the emoting, secret-sharing type, & to be honest i sorta lock up when such serious circumstances and emotions arise. we threw a couple jokes around whenever we were together to lighten our moods, and also because i just didnt know what else to say.
thats sumthin i need to change.
i think he knows that if he ever needs a shoulder to cry he can use mines... as we sat in the church i'd go to reach for his hand when he got upset but my mama always beat me to it. she's so protective. he was her major concern during the whole thing.
he told me he was gonna get drunk that night. i told em to go ahead; i know how it feels to just not wanna think about things.
death is some wild shit, man.
like when i was sittin there in the church, it just didn't hit me that the man layin in white in frunna me was dead. it didn't hit me that even tho id just seen him some weeks ago, i wldn't anymore after that day. maybe its cause i barely knew him. i just didnt feel much grief or loss during the funeral.
i got home & watched boyz n the hood.
that's when evrything hit. it reminded me of the circumstances of brian's death, & when i seen rick fall on my tv screen, i imagined brian fallin the same way. then i thought a/b all the blk lives lost & hurt & affected & forever changed, and how many others are gonna be hurt & lost & changed in the same way.
i cried then.
life is fucked up.
black men, lovin yall is hard for lotsa reasons. i was thinkin the other day that its a wonder that black women dont just start takin up w/ white men just so they wont have to worry about him being gunned down in the street at any given moment.
but then i remember the joys & the pleasures. i dont think we cld find it anywhere else, not like yall can give it. yall are worth it.
but damn,
i wish yall wld start treating each other like yall are worth it.
i fear for my brother's life evryday.
ill wrap up the funeral talk now, but first let me say that ive been holding my tongue for our innanapolis viewers. yall fuckin fashion sense is out there. couple times i forgot it was a funeral cause evrybody was dressed like they was goin to a club.
crazy.
that thursday night i was talkin to teddy on the phone. long story short, the dude i went to prom w/, the one who took advantage of me, is someone teddy used to kick it with sorta. ppl talk & word got to teddy that sumn may have gone down b/t he & i.
i told teddy what happened, at length.
he was furious & wanted to beat the shit outta dude & i was very touched, and proud of myself b/c 4 yrs ago i wld have denied evrything. being open & honest about it was like the most refreshing, relieving thing ever. there was no shame, no embarrassment on my part. i felt really strong & knowin that my friend was so pissed made me realize how cared for i am.
so that was dope.
christmas is in 4 days. ive bought three gifts. i have a million more to go. i see why ppl come to hate christmas as they get older. we dont even have a tree yet.
plus im broke.
and i still gotta write this MLK shit. god i dont wanna do this.
but i will.
right after i eat.
so much for a short entry, huh?
sorry, nate. i tried.
caught him in some hole w/ a pistol somewhere. he looks a lot like mr. krause--hair was all over the place, beard was like 5 miles long. they keep showing video of them givin him a medical exam, lookin all in his mouth. & it looks like they checkin him for lice or some shit, all in his head. he looks so feeble & weak & humiliated. if it wasn't for the whole crazy evil inhumane dictatorous crimes against humanity stuff, i'd feel bad for the way they plasterin this on my tv.
guess this means bush is finna get re-elected, huh?
life just keeps gettin crazier, both collectively & personally.
boy, have i got a rant/story for u.
i'm @ home. got home thursday evening, & i guess im glad to be here. @ least im not at school, which is definitely a good thing. but man, u remember all that mess w/ my granny bein depressed & my mama tryna make some moves w/ the house & them fightin all the freakin time? it's so much worse now. & u remember my cousins that passed & how hard it's been to get over them? it just keeps gettin worse. im makin no sense.
let's start at the very beginning, a very good plaaaace to staaart (c) whatchacallit in 'the sound of music' (<-- i need to watch that soon, btw)
so we lost ty & dee i guess, 2, 3 yrs ago. they were brothers. they were my cousins & my brother's childhood friends, best friends even. i'll tell their stories in full one day, but the important thing to remember regarding them & this story is that my brother was devastated, as was my granny, cause losin 2 grandkids can't be an easy thing. we're all still hurt and very very confused about it all. & just when i think that maybe we're startin to heal, we lose another one.
my brother lives in innanapolis now, & we've got some family there. DJ & some other folk i don't know. all cousins. one cousin, Brian, was shot & killed at a nightclub a few days/nights ago. over a parking space from what i understand. now-
take a 28 yr old blk man who still hurts over losin 2 blk men he loved not 3 yrs ago. take away from him another blk male cousin, friend & confidant, taken by another blk man. imagine what he hasta be feelin right now, man. imagine the disillusion that he must feel w/ life as a blk man. my mama said she talked to him the day he found out about it & he was really, really upset. i spoke to him yesterday & i cld still hear it in his voice.
im so fuckin scared for him, man.
im so scared of losing him & anybody else i love. the way ty & dee went out showed me that the thought that "it'll never happen to us" is complete bullshit, so i always fear the worst. evrytime my mama tells me she's gonna hop in the car to go to the store or sumthin i fear that she won't come back & i pray feverishly til i can't see the car anymore. i do that w/ evrysingle person i know & love. even the simple shit like walkin down the street. im scared my ppl are gonna be taken from me in some other crazy way.
my granny cried a bit. she was upset, but nowhere near like when ty & dee passed.
brian was the grandson of her sister-in-law, catherine. that, of course, makes catherine the brother of my grandfather who me & my mama nem have no contact with today. i think its great that even after my grandaddy ran from granny & her kids she still stayed close to catherine & her brother marion.
marion died yesterday.
my granny was very very upset.
an old girlfriend of marion's called and told her over the phone; i wld have rather she told my mother so we cld tell her and be ready for the emotion to follow. we were in the basement, me & my granny. my mama came down & once she heard what happened she cried a little too, then said she was goin to my aunt pauline's to tell her the news. i freaked out, man--when she found out that dee had passed we had to take her to the hospital because she was so overcome, hyperventilating, clutching her chest. i was scared that was gonna happen again & i wldn't know what to do.
but she was okay.
i sat with her on the couch as she cried, holding her hand while she turned her head & face away from me. i aint know what to say, so i just sat with her for about 5 minutes, probably even less than that. then she got up and continued doing whatever she was doing when the phone rang, sobbing quietly. i told her that maybe she shld sit down & rest a minute, cause i aint want her knees to give out or anything.
'naw, baby, i cain't sit right now. i gotta keep movin.'
then it hit me that that's why she's been the trouble she's been these past few yrs, w/ overexherting herself and climbin on shit & walkin to the store alone when she K N O W S she's got bad hips & legs & degenerating spinal disks in her back. she's still reeling from losing two grandsons and her last living brother, uncle claude, like a year ago. i guess idle hands breed idle minds, & idle minds give way to thinking and remembering all the stuff u'd rather forget.
i understand a little better now.
but my mama doesn't.
they still go at it every.fucking.day and i'm so sick of hearing it.
im caught in the middle again. especially since my mama's renovating the kitchen, getting rid of all the old stuff & bringin in new. of course all the old stuff belongs to my granny, who is a little too used to being in control over everything. in her old age she can't do the stuff she used to, & i can understand that getting rid of all her things, stuff that was once beautiful, stuff she worked so hard for to get on her own, is like getting rid of her. telling her she can't live anymore.
she still tries to do stuff around the house, most of which--like stealing cigarettes & smokin em when she thinks no one knows, hamering shit, dragging huge heavy iron cast furniture through the house & all around the back deck, climbing up on a gotdamn LADDER to hang stuff & clean stuff--all of this stuff she's done in like the last month, walking to the store alone w/ bad legs that can give out at any given time--can be potentially hazardous to her health. shit, it can kill her, u know? but she won't listen, & when my mother gets on her for always being in the way and not letting her work & doing shit she has no business, my granny can't see that its only cause she's worried about her health.
man, ive told this story before. retelling it is pissin me off as we speak.
the bottom line is that none of them want to compromise, especially my mama.
i dont think i blame either of them.
they fight over stupid shit.
yesterday me, my mama & my neice are on our way out to Krogers to do some grocery shoppin. my granny loves to go shoppin & loves to have her way all the freakin time, so she decides--not asks, but decides--that my mama, who was tired & didn't feel well & didn't wanna be out in the snow, was gonna drop her off at winn-dixie and then we'd go to krogers and come back and pick her up from winn-dixie when we were done. my granny can't walk too well & shldn't be doing so by herself, so she refused to take her for that reason, and because goin to 2 separate stores is just dumb. but my granny wldn't bend. nor wld my mama. so they fightin. screamin at each other, gettin mad, gettin smart. me & tiara went to wait in the car while they went back & forth.
usually id try to mediate & forge some kinda compromise but it never works, man. im caught in the middle. if i speak out on one's behalf the other feels like she's being ganged up on. when i try to tell one how the other's feeling and why she acts the way she does, it just doesn't get across. im talkin to brick walls. im so fuckin helpless and i hate this situation but i can't fix it. dave told me that sometimes u can't fix evrything, & sometimes u just gotta let things play out the way they're gonna. that's what im tryin to do. im so tired of tryna fix it & its not working anyway.
so my mama gets in the car. i sit silent, staring ahead, not sayin what im thinkin but apparently my mama can feel what's goin on in my head.
'okay, go tell your grandmother we're goin to winn-dixie.'
no. she won't go.
'she'll listen to you. go see if u can get her to come on.'
it's not gonna work. u know how she is, she's not gonna come w/ us.
'tracy, PLEASE. go tell her to get her butt out here.'
i get out, slam the door, stomp up the steps & soften my steps after i open the door, steppin light & lookin for my granny. i found her in the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub crying. i didn't know what to do, like earlier, so i sat next to her w/ my arm around her, pissed & tryin not to cry.
she didn't wanna come w/ us, like i knew she wldn't.
i just wanna leave.
i dont wanna be here at all.
if i cld run away tomorrow, no, right now, i wld.
i wanna go find my sweetie & lay in his arms for the rest of forever or til this shit dies down, whichever comes first. i wanna be made to forget about myself & all this shit that i can't fix.
life is so unfair. we're a good people, damnit. we dont deserve this sorta shit. i can't think of anybody who does. cept maybe george bush. i dunno what to do. we're all so hurt & racked w/ death & confused and angry at something but we dont really know what so we're lashing out at evrything & evrybody. my granny just wants to live but my mama won't let her. my mama just wants to live but my granny's standin in the way.
and here i am in the middle lookin for an escape route.
im leaving the week of new yr's eve. my mama wants to come w/ me cause she's got a bad case of escapism too. i hate that i dont want her to come w/ me, but i really don't; i dont want any reminders of this place for that whole week. whenever im w/ my granny she's talkin all sorta depressin shit, how many ppl in our family are sick or got health problems, how my mama never lets her do nuthin, how her legs hurt so bad (and when she starts that i just wanna go DUH that's what happens when you CLIMB LADDERS at 77 w/ bad arthritis and degenerative disk disease). when im w/ my mama all she talks about it my granny & the stress she's causin her. i try to listen, cause evrybody needs an outlet, but i can't anymore, man. it's gettin to me.
i had no one to talk to about all this yesterday til my darlin called at like 2. i talked his ear off a/b all this for what felt like 3 hrs straight. i felt so much better. i hung up the phone knowin that tomorrow was prolly gonna be a lot like that day was & i wanted to cry, but i didn't.
im at my wit's end, man.
stuff like this really makes me question my faith.
we've done no wrong to anyone, u know? what kinda god wld let good ppl suffer like this?
i still pray a lot.
but i cant tell if im really expectin a miracle or if i just do it out of force of habit.
i cant wait til these 2 weeks are done.
wish i had sumthin happier to report.
i really want to.
but i wont. it'll defeat the purpose of writin it in the first place, & deleting the words will be just that--a deletion of words & nothin deeper. so it stays.
Cornbread's dead. damn fish kicked the bucket while i was home for thanksgivin. me & candis had a funeral for his punk ass. ol hateful ass fish. i miss that lil bastard.
today's the 2nd. bout 9 more days & im out this beech til next yr.
the break
just can't
come
fast
enuff
!!
today is also the Transy vs Centre game. i been trash talkin sean all week. they're posed to come down for the game. we bet not lose after the way i been runnin my mouth. even if we do lose, it'll be a good stress reliever. it's been awhile since i seen the guys & i cld use a laff. last yr teddy came along. it was good times.
speakin of teddy, he's back to callin multiple times a day again.
:o/
yall,
i love my darlin friend to death.
but sometimes i dont be havin enuff funny for 2, 3 conversations a day. but i do realize now that we talk on the reg again how much i missed his punk ass when i was in my solitary confinement mood over the summer. plus, knowin what it feels like to be shut off from somebody u care about... twasn't fair.
..i dont answer the phone evrysingle time, tho.
in other news, i am a walking germ factory. right now, there are 27 different breeds of germ incubating in my nose as we speak, im sure. im walkin in the gym with a box of tissue under my arm & a wad up my nose & im daring somebody to say sumn smart to me. they do & they get sneezed on, no querstions asked.
lenee! u've run away! i ain't talked to u in a millions of years!
heard u're quittin ur job.. :o/
...lemme borrow $5 first.
im BROKE.
yo, ppl are actually responding to my Send Me a Dollar Campaign. im expectin at least $4. how crazy is that?
it's 6:00 & i haven't eaten today.
i just woke up from a nap.. i only slept from 4:30 to 5:30, but normally i'd wake up feelin like shit after wakin up from such a late nap. but i guess when u lay down feelin like shit, u wldn't really feel any nap-induced shit anyway.
um..
i dont have on pants.
im gonna put some on & go eat.
