TracimusLynnicus: okay so
TracimusLynnicus: while u choke down the resta ur meal
TracimusLynnicus: i got a story for u.
TracimusLynnicus: so u know i was tellin u how i felt about bein invited to britt's this weekend, right.
DtheEmcee: mhmm
TracimusLynnicus: well
TracimusLynnicus: im in 20th century brit lit, waitin on class to start
TracimusLynnicus: britt comes skippin in, cheery, gives me a hug, sits down to chit chat
TracimusLynnicus: blah blah blah
TracimusLynnicus: 'are u still comin over friday??' <- note that i never even said i was goin.
TracimusLynnicus: me: 'i dunno. my mama's posed to be comin up this weekend'
TracimusLynnicus: her: *big sad goofy long face* 'awwwww, i wanted to eat spaghetti and watch bad movies!:-(
TracimusLynnicus: now im feelin bad
TracimusLynnicus: like aw man, im bein so silly
TracimusLynnicus: she really did want my company
TracimusLynnicus: im so petty. this is stupid. i suck. maybe i can tell moms not to come
TracimusLynnicus: but i didnt say nunna that
TracimusLynnicus: so she's still talking
TracimusLynnicus: 'yeah, and i wanted u to see the last issue of the source it's got eminem on it & blah blah feminism & i wanted ur take'
TracimusLynnicus: me *thinkin* see, we can have a good ol intellectual conversation like we used to, then sit around & laff. i suck. i shld go.
TracimusLynnicus: so she still talkin
TracimusLynnicus: 'blah blah blah... well um... do u think u cld walk to the bank w/ me tomorrow?'
TracimusLynnicus: im thinkin okay... that's odd... but yeah, i guess
TracimusLynnicus: we used to walk to the bank & chit chat all the time. maybe she tryna get the old days back. im touched. i suck.
TracimusLynnicus: so i say, yeah, i guess
TracimusLynnicus: her 'good. cause im tryin to blah blah blah (<- i forget what she's tryna get from the bank) and i need two witnesses.
TracimusLynnicus: .
TracimusLynnicus: lightbulb came on after she left
TracimusLynnicus: that that's more than likely the reason she invited me over this weekend.
TracimusLynnicus: the bank she needs to go to is by her house. id hafta catch a bus to get there
TracimusLynnicus: so.. get me out there, do what britt needs & im lured by spaghetti & bad movies & the source
TracimusLynnicus: great cover up
TracimusLynnicus: now
DtheEmcee: damn
TracimusLynnicus: i realize that this cld all be a big ol silly conspiracy theory
TracimusLynnicus: but she's good for doin that shit, im sorry to say.
TracimusLynnicus: she kicks it w/ candis when she needs to do her laundry since it's free in candis' house.
TracimusLynnicus: she invites kathryn to go places w/ us when driving is more convenient
TracimusLynnicus: yo, why didn't she just tell me from jump that she needed me to do sumthin?
TracimusLynnicus: dont fuckin lie & smile in my face & be buddy buddy
TracimusLynnicus: i swear that was her motive. the bank shit. im 99.95% positive
TracimusLynnicus: cause then she was like, well maybe ur mama can drop u off or come get u form the bank
TracimusLynnicus: not well maybe ur mama can drop u off at my house when yall finish doin whatever so we can watch movies
TracimusLynnicus: u know?
DtheEmcee: yeah.
DtheEmcee: :-TracimusLynnicus: am i overreactin & readin too much into this?
DtheEmcee: nah
TracimusLynnicus: that's such bullshit. and im sittin here feelin all bad & shit
TracimusLynnicus: like im a horrible person
DtheEmcee: id be holdin any attempts by her to get together suspect
DtheEmcee: i mean
DtheEmcee: shit has obviously changed
TracimusLynnicus: yeah
DtheEmcee: just like when my friend called me up that day
TracimusLynnicus: bout the boots?
DtheEmcee: hardly ever calls... i knew he needed something
DtheEmcee: yeah
DtheEmcee: i mean
DtheEmcee: 3 yrs ago
DtheEmcee: i wouldnt have suspected anything
DtheEmcee: shits changed
TracimusLynnicus: yeah.
TracimusLynnicus: ima go head & witness whatever she tryna do
TracimusLynnicus: then im out.
TracimusLynnicus: im spendin the weekend at my uncle's
TracimusLynnicus: eatin good & washin clothes.
TracimusLynnicus: and im puttin this convo in my blawg so i dont hafta write it all out
TracimusLynnicus: so
TracimusLynnicus: let's have freaky im sex & offend nate
TracimusLynnicus: lol
DtheEmcee: lmao
im in a funk yall.
blue mood type shit. slightly disthymic (dysthimic?)
it'll pass.
but i shall mope until it does.
im tryna write again. i hate evrything that comes out as of late. but at least im tryin.
im tired.
i missed class AGAIN this morning man. 2nd time. lifetime fitness. i hate that gotdamn class. i set my alarm clock wrong this mornin & slept right thru it. we're allowed 2 unexcused absences--i was tryna save those 2 for later on in the semester. like i was posed to be goin to central state university's game against k-state in @ central (which is in ohio) in february. it's in the middle of the week & there's no way id be able to make it to class the next day. but shit now ima have to. or just not go to the game.
blah.
im still way behind in my classes. i think that's why i skipped 20th cent. brit lit yessaday. i haven't read ANYTHING for that class since the semester started. i just be sittin there pretendin to pay attn, zonin out. i hate that shit. so i didnt go. i got a buncha shit to read for that class tomorrow that i havent done yet, but ima do it. or at least try to.
its gettin so hard to get up & go to class, just cause i dont wanna be here & im tired of thinkin & readin & writin about shit that i dont care about. and 2 english courses a/b british lit. wtf, this is not the english i care about and u cannot convince me that it'll give me any greater understanding of my ppl & they literature. that's what im interested in. i fell like ive taken the same fuckin course 4 times already. the most i can do is hope that the white folks i gotta read touch on the issues important to me, or that my teachers squeeze in some black authors somewhere. that's bullshit. white folk dont have to worry about not seein themselves reflected in the shit they're assigned. god forbid they make some sort of non-western lit required for these bitches to read. maybe they'd learn sumn bout theyselves.
bitches.
im cussin today. gotdamnit.
the only class i dont hate goin to is Black Feminist Theory but even that has the potential to be about white folk. man
okay, first of all
remember me talkin about how i tried to get the (white) women's group on campus to help w/ MLK day and nobody responded? and then remember how the president or whoever had the fucking NERVE to ask me to help them with the Vagina Monologues?
dont u know that this SAME HEFFA had the NERVE to come into a BLACK FEMINIST THEORY course and beg for help w/ it? ?!?!?!?! what the fuck?? do u not see the irony in this? i was extremely offended and insulted. i can't bring myself to help them just yet. i was pissed tho. u can't see the societal bullshit that comes with bein black a woman's issue, yet u'll walk into a class on these very issues that yo ass SHOULD be taking and ask for help for your ol dominatin ass ways. fuck that.
fuck them.
and u know what else? there's this conservative republican cat named Spence in the calls, right. Spence. yo, ill be the first to say that he's fuckin brilliant. very quick witted. VERY talented orator. heavy into politics. he'll make a good politician one day (<- i dunno how much of a compliment that is tho). but man, he talks too fuckin much. way too damn much. he was in my global feminism course & the whole 3 hrs was just him goin back & forth & back & forth w/ one other person a/b governmental policy or some shit.
last class was exactly the same thing. yo, we didn't talk a/b black women ONCE. he and some other dude led the class discussion, right... they were talking about the feminist ideas presented by the blk feminist authors we had to read. but they didn't pick out any issues that had to do w/ being blk women to discuss. like i mean they completely took them out of a racialized context and applied them to Transy's campus, which is overwhelmingly white. we were talking about rape & how it happens at frat parties (white) on campus (white) and how to talk to the (white) men on campus about it.
we can't even talk about black ppl in a class DEVOTED to blk ppl. how fucked up is that?
i aint havin it.
the professor emailed me & wants to talk to me about how the class went cause she cld tell by me & britt's expressions that we weren't pleased. ill try to go see her today.
speakin of britt, she finally saw fit to invite me to her apartment to watch a movie or sumthin. i dont think im goin. i feel sorta bad about it in the end, and it's kinda petty but im still resentful of alotta the shady shit she been pullin. i dunno--evrytime candis or i try to get her to kick it like we used to she 'can't' because of this reason or that reason. ive stopped invitin her to shit & tryna get her to kick it cause im not finna put myself out there to be brushed away no more. and now that she wants to kick it im posed to come runnin & smilin? we kick it on her terms & her time? what about when tracy was finna rip her hair out cause she got tired of eatin alone & talkin to herself? i dunno. im prolly overracting but im not down w/ that right now.
& on a somewhat related tangent, i ran into dion at lunch today. i sat & ate w/ him & dr. thompson. dion's a weird cat. mixed, but more blk than anything--very socially conscious, intelligent as hell. claims to be bi-sexual. i say gay, straight up. can be very annoying--that's how he was when he went to school here. me him & britt used to hang til we became a lil too much. still, he's cool peeps, & he helped us adjust to bein here.
me & britt wld see him periodically on campus & avoid him cause we aint feel like the drama. actually, she wld avoid him; i thought that was kinda wrong, walkin the other way... i can be such a follower sometimes. so i seen em today & decided to stop bein shady. that's real fucked up.
but yeah... i think ill go to my uncle's this weekend.
'oops, my bad, i forgot about the movie. im so used to kickin it alone on the weekends i went ahead & made other plans.'
i dont think ill feel bad about it. not til later anyway.
im turnin to stone, dude. i dont feel bad a/b a lotta stuff these days. for example-
i thought it'd be a good idea to sell copies of the MLK soundtrack to get some more money for DAC. $5 a piece. so i bought cd's & cases & charged them to the school in order to burn them, which is logical. ive gotten only 4 CD orders. not a lot, but that's $20.
...im broke...
$20 wld be real nice right now....
why am i gonna keep that shit?
or at least thing reeeeal hard about it? i mean hell, DAC dont even have a budget. whatever we need come outta the dean's pocket. they wont give us a budget. we been ASKIN for a budget for 4 yrs. evry official campus organization has a budget. we dont.
if they gon keep ignorin us & carryin us
im keepin that shit. wont nobody miss it.
...plus i never really said what the proceeds wld benefit anyway.
so
im gonna print up flyers.
'BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND... MLK PROGRAM SOUNDTRACKS! LIMITED TIME & SUPPLY! $5!!!'
and i dont feel bad at all.
im a hustler, baby.
reparations, bitches!
& before i go
sumn's wrong w/ my archive. it's not showin all my past entries. how do i fix it?
AAND im puttin my new found grippo fan friend in the links over thurr. we need some common sense to ovverride the hater *cough*DAVID*cough*
ill wanna look back on weird conversations like this one day.
it dont say a damn thing prolific so dont worry bout readin.
ill be back w/ a real entry later.
Coldchilly36: okay....check this out
TracimusLynnicus: k
Coldchilly36: its all these mocha lates!?!
Coldchilly36: it just came to me
TracimusLynnicus: !
TracimusLynnicus: maybe!
Coldchilly36: yeah maybe
TracimusLynnicus: maaaybe.
Coldchilly36: iiiiiiii know
TracimusLynnicus: ooh girl, yo breaf is HARSH
TracimusLynnicus: cover ya mouf up like u got SARS
Coldchilly36: lol still killanigga on 16 brs
TracimusLynnicus: lol
Coldchilly36: and now...i wash my hair...
TracimusLynnicus: YAAAAAAAAAY
Coldchilly36: cause i just got a hair cut
TracimusLynnicus: i wanna cut mine.
TracimusLynnicus: but ill look funny.
Coldchilly36: and mmmmmm hmmmmmmm mmmmmmhmmmm nah my hair sucks
TracimusLynnicus: hahahaha
Coldchilly36: you would and
TracimusLynnicus: lol
Coldchilly36: part of your asex appeal is your hair
Coldchilly36: you'd be like sampson
Coldchilly36: or donny simpson
TracimusLynnicus: but i cld just get a snap on ponytail
TracimusLynnicus: and i want to marry donny simpson
Coldchilly36: VIDEO SOOOOOOOUL!
TracimusLynnicus: i got the biggest crush on that green-eyed bastard
Coldchilly36: um no and no
TracimusLynnicus: and iwas SOOOOOOO jealous of what's her name
TracimusLynnicus: shirley?
TracimusLynnicus: sharon?
TracimusLynnicus: the co-host
Coldchilly36: yeah...
Coldchilly36: her
Coldchilly36: donny's girl
TracimusLynnicus: that hoe.
TracimusLynnicus: she aint even cute.
Coldchilly36: lol
Coldchilly36: neither was he!
TracimusLynnicus: yes he was!
TracimusLynnicus: and he STILL is!
Coldchilly36: he had that creppy uncle vibe
TracimusLynnicus: i seen him hostin that aretha franklin tribute
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
TracimusLynnicus: no
Coldchilly36: obviously you like creepy uncles
Coldchilly36: i think you do
TracimusLynnicus: he has that mature older man vibe
TracimusLynnicus: i do not!
Coldchilly36: the creepy the better
TracimusLynnicus: >:o!
TracimusLynnicus: that's a vicious rumor!
Coldchilly36: i just feel like at any moment he'd say...."so tracy why don't you come to my place...i want to show you....something?!?"
Coldchilly36: just creepy
Coldchilly36: he's kinda magoo
TracimusLynnicus: creepy for YOU
TracimusLynnicus: fun for me.
TracimusLynnicus: *starts porn music*
Coldchilly36: cause you like creepy
TracimusLynnicus: u know what i think?
Coldchilly36: LMAO
TracimusLynnicus: i think u jealous
TracimusLynnicus: i think u a hater
Coldchilly36: i am
Coldchilly36: its true
TracimusLynnicus: ah HA
TracimusLynnicus: so your opinion is now null & void & invalid
Coldchilly36: only cause i don't know what he has that i don't though
Coldchilly36: I can be creepy tracy
Coldchilly36: watch
Coldchilly36: *rubbing my ankles with the back of my hands*
TracimusLynnicus: give it up, mary
TracimusLynnicus: wait
TracimusLynnicus: that is sorta creepy
TracimusLynnicus: i guess
Coldchilly36: why you keep calling me mary?
TracimusLynnicus: i'm unmoved.
Coldchilly36: hm
TracimusLynnicus: i dont know, sean!
Coldchilly36: lol
TracimusLynnicus: today is random mary day
Coldchilly36: really
Coldchilly36: well in that case
Coldchilly36: *rubs ankles with back of hands*
Coldchilly36: how do you like this mary?
TracimusLynnicus: hahahahahaha
Coldchilly36: *starts disco music*
TracimusLynnicus: im mad for laffin as hard as i just did
TracimusLynnicus: and tomorrow will be random sam day
Coldchilly36: really...i kinda like the mary week
Coldchilly36: in fact
Coldchilly36: maybe the month of feburary should be black mary month
TracimusLynnicus: ingenius idea, sam
TracimusLynnicus: i support it
Coldchilly36: deal
Coldchilly36: *stoic General Hospital look*
Coldchilly36: ya know i don't know
TracimusLynnicus: lol
Coldchilly36: it just happens
TracimusLynnicus: before i can even ask
Coldchilly36: amazing ain't i?
TracimusLynnicus: hey, im baffled
Coldchilly36: I thought you were mary
TracimusLynnicus: baffled is my married name
Coldchilly36: WHO'S ON FIRST!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: JEWS ON FIRST!
TracimusLynnicus: (c) farakhan
Coldchilly36: lol
Coldchilly36: i remember
TracimusLynnicus: 2 pts for u~
TracimusLynnicus: !
Coldchilly36: and i still say that in living color should be on a DVD set
TracimusLynnicus: hey
TracimusLynnicus: let's start a campaign
TracimusLynnicus: YES
Coldchilly36: if you can find such a thing
TracimusLynnicus: i was just gonna say that!
Coldchilly36: then i say that should be my christmas present
TracimusLynnicus: i think we should lobby for it and take our case to washington
Coldchilly36: wow...we haven't done that in awhile
TracimusLynnicus: dude dont u know if it existed id get u and me and mary a copy?
TracimusLynnicus: i so would
Coldchilly36: lol
Coldchilly36: well search tracy
Coldchilly36: search from the window....to the wall (HAAAAAAAAUUAAAA)
TracimusLynnicus: ..no
TracimusLynnicus: i mean okay
TracimusLynnicus: no i mean i did
Coldchilly36: and don't rest until you find it
TracimusLynnicus: and it doesnt exist
Coldchilly36: huh?
TracimusLynnicus: i dont know.
Coldchilly36: but
Coldchilly36: well
Coldchilly36: look on half.com
TracimusLynnicus: how bout i get out all my stuffed animals and just act out all the scenes i can remember?
Coldchilly36: if you can do that on a video tape...that'd should be my present
TracimusLynnicus: GARLIC MAKE MY FEET STANK! (c) tracy as pablo the penguin
Coldchilly36: lol
Coldchilly36: I POPS MY PIMPLES CAUSE THEY ASK ME TO!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: hahahaha
TracimusLynnicus: that's the one i can never remember!!
Coldchilly36: and the ever popular
TracimusLynnicus: PRINCE GOT A HAIRY BOOTY!
Coldchilly36: I CAN MAKE A BOOGER TALK!!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
Coldchilly36: Tracy
TracimusLynnicus: yes, sammy?
Coldchilly36: I love mary
Coldchilly36: *stoic General Hospital look*
TracimusLynnicus: =-O!
TracimusLynnicus: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
TracimusLynnicus: or okay. if it makes you happy.
Coldchilly36: but you got a bigger booty...so i think we should....
Coldchilly36: ELOPE!!!!!
Coldchilly36: *stoic General Hospital look*
TracimusLynnicus: OKAY
TracimusLynnicus: 2 questions
Coldchilly36: hmmmm?
TracimusLynnicus: define stoic cause all these yrs ive only pretended to know what it means
TracimusLynnicus: and
TracimusLynnicus: is a general hospital look any different than say, an all my chirrens look?
Coldchilly36: oh....stoic is like....um emotionless and still. The general hospital look deals with camera angles...like...imagine the camera moving in slowly to my face and then fading to black while the music goes....Duh DUUUUUUUUUUUUH duh duh duh duh duh duh DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH and then the wind chime like noise plays in the back ground
Coldchilly36: i mean....i think its on right now if you need a reference
TracimusLynnicus: how bout
TracimusLynnicus: u do the stoic look for me as part of my christmas present
Coldchilly36: no
TracimusLynnicus: COME ON!
Coldchilly36: no
TracimusLynnicus: okay.
TracimusLynnicus: fair enough.
TracimusLynnicus: okay
TracimusLynnicus: what are u missing in your life
TracimusLynnicus: that you simply must have
TracimusLynnicus: or wld really like to have
TracimusLynnicus: and can be found at a lexington ky mall?
Coldchilly36: man you suck
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
TracimusLynnicus: but sean
TracimusLynnicus: you're not seeing it from my pt of view
Coldchilly36: tracy...you know my heart
TracimusLynnicus: man
TracimusLynnicus: okay
Coldchilly36: just know that if you mess up
TracimusLynnicus: do u remember when me & britt gave u the country bears for christmas?
TracimusLynnicus: ALL the bears?
Coldchilly36: you will hear about this for awhile
TracimusLynnicus: u seemed so unmoved!
Coldchilly36: lol
Coldchilly36: yeah i still got em
TracimusLynnicus: III was proud of that gift!
TracimusLynnicus: it was thoughtful and innovative and creative and u was just like 'oh.'
TracimusLynnicus: so now im savin up to buy u some cristal & a throwback.
Coldchilly36: LOL!
Coldchilly36: i was not unmoved
Coldchilly36: i was thinking....i got a bunch of bears
TracimusLynnicus: hahahaha
Coldchilly36: not unmoved though
TracimusLynnicus: lol
Coldchilly36: i thought it was dope
Coldchilly36: i just thought.....i have a bunch of bears
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
TracimusLynnicus: fair enuff.
TracimusLynnicus: okay
TracimusLynnicus: i mean it this time
TracimusLynnicus: when next we meet
TracimusLynnicus: u shall have a christmas gife
TracimusLynnicus: and a gift
Coldchilly36: aight then
TracimusLynnicus: a gife and a gift
Coldchilly36: and you will have yours
TracimusLynnicus: at the same time!
TracimusLynnicus: kay
Coldchilly36: okay
TracimusLynnicus: kay.
Coldchilly36: Shower time...
TracimusLynnicus: have fun!
TracimusLynnicus: i guess
TracimusLynnicus: i dont know.
Coldchilly36: um
TracimusLynnicus: just go
Coldchilly36: not sure what you meant by that
Coldchilly36: but...
Coldchilly36: okay
TracimusLynnicus: jump on it, mary!
Coldchilly36: peaski ms. mary
if u dont know, Grippo's are only THEE greatest bbq chips in the history of bbq potato chips. honestly. forget Herr's or whatever they called (i see u). Grippo's. far as i know u can only find em in the ohio valley--louisville, cincy, etc--and it sucks for evryone else in the nation cause yall will never know the grace, the wonder, the glory, the perfection that is a Grippo's bbq potato chip.
nate, do they got em in innanapolis?
if they do, that's the 2nd thing yall got goin for yall. other than ihop.
i FINALLY found somebody who feels me-
MsterThomas43423: i have to go to the store
MsterThomas43423: and get some flower for my chikken
TracimusLynnicus: brang me back a bag of Grippo's, plz
MsterThomas43423: i will return
MsterThomas43423: OHHHHHHHHH
MsterThomas43423: shit!!!
MsterThomas43423: i LOVE Grippos
TracimusLynnicus: u remember grippos??!?
TracimusLynnicus: YES!
MsterThomas43423: and YOU CAN NOT
MsterThomas43423: FIND
MsterThomas43423: THEM
MsterThomas43423: OUT
TracimusLynnicus: DUDE I WILL MAIL YOU SOME!!
MsterThomas43423: HERE
TracimusLynnicus: i know life is heard w/o them
MsterThomas43423: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH
MsterThomas43423: SHIIIIIIIITTT%TTTTTT
MsterThomas43423: i'm lickin my fingers
MsterThomas43423: seriously.
TracimusLynnicus: i feel like i just found a long lost sister or some shit
TracimusLynnicus: NOBODY feels me on the grippo's
TracimusLynnicus: im seriously gonna send u some.
MsterThomas43423: the GREATEST bbq chips on the planet
TracimusLynnicus: YO
MsterThomas43423: ohhhhhhhh
TracimusLynnicus: they make POPCORN now
TracimusLynnicus: !!
MsterThomas43423: i just got light headed
TracimusLynnicus: grippo's popcorn!
MsterThomas43423: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
TracimusLynnicus: bbq popcorn!!
MsterThomas43423: OHHHHHHHH
MsterThomas43423: SHIT
MsterThomas43423: Shit
MsterThomas43423: my aunt used get them in Cincinnatti
MsterThomas43423: by the effing box
MsterThomas43423: whatchoo know about a box of grippos
TracimusLynnicus: haha
MsterThomas43423: and i'd FUCK them up too.
MsterThomas43423: by the BOX
TracimusLynnicus: damn.
TracimusLynnicus: this is beautiful.
cause it's been a long time
& i shldna leff u
w/o some boring, depressing ass shit to sit & read. i got plenny. not all will be depressing. but i'll slip in some grey clouds for ya.
and pictures, too!
and it's gonna be hella long so if u got beef w/ that (*cough*HATINASSNATE*cough*) go head & click that x up the upper right hand corner.
all tucked in?
heeeeeeeeeeeeere we go-
1st - MLK Day is over. it's freakin done. halla-freakin-looya for that. it went okay; the models were all great sports. i was nervous as hell. i personally think i sounded horrible on stage, but of course nobody wld say so.. lol.. it was all pats on the back & 'good job!' the girl who did a write up for the campus paper called it a "mesmerizing acapella jazz solo." yeah right.
there were plenny problems, of course. no breakdancers & no chris, of course. UK's Black Voices gospel choir was supposed to send some folk over to sing a selection for us. yeah, only one person showed. & that's prolly only cause he's a friend of mine & candis'. Vince fucked up the programs. the gotdamn KA's were supposed to ursher & didn't even show up (fuck them).
and what really pissed me off was that there were so many empty seats.
we busted our asses for a handfull of ppl to see the finished product. fuck this campus.
and do u know what else pissed me off?
okay, so when we first started plannin, remember i'd been appealing to the women's group for help, right. not na'an wunna them bitches (im sorry, but that's warranted in spite of the irony) even emailed me to let me know that they wldn't help out. but don't u know that they're finna put on the 'vagina monologues' and them hoes had the NERVE
the GALL
the AUDACITY
to come ask my bitter black ass for help?
man
part of me wants to be the bigger person & help them out & show them that i, as a black woman, have the scope & intelligence to know that each of our suituations relies on the o ther, & that even tho yall straight up disrespected me & my situation (which is also theirs too), i have the decency to help out cause if i dont & this doesn't go well (the monologues and the 'movement', if i may be so cliche) then it's a strike against me too.
but the other part is just like, fuck them cracka ass crackas. w/ a big black dildo. see how they like that shit.
so i dunno. that's still up in the air.
and i digress.
back to MLK, it went alright. my camera's broken, so i didn't get any pictures, but the yearbook got plenty, & the paper ran some (none of any brown ppl. how fucking convenient. oh, and i heard that they served fried chicken & greens & shit for the 'mlk dinner' in the cafeteria that evening. fuckers. i don't even have the strength to fight that one). and they've put up a different picture on the front page of the campus web each day this past week. except for tuesday. and monday. which i guess doesn't really constitute a whole week. but whatever:
here we have Steve, Candi, & Malynta on stage for the late 80s/early 90s hip hop era. (that god awful 'x' sweatshirt was not my doing, i swear)
Smith as Bob Marley singin 'redemption song'.. he did a really good job.
and finally...
Tracy Holiday. i hate this picture.
just imagine the number of brochures & pamphlets & web pages these pictures are gonna be on.
'look! we love the king so much cause we love diversity like he did and COME TO TRANSY AND GIVE US YOUR MONEY!'
man, do u know what?
we've given this place a gift. it dont matter if it wasn't a fuckin broadway production or that nobody came out to see it for real. they got some good damn photo ops & they'll milk them for all they're worth. we won't get the credit we deserve. they thanked the gotdamned deans of the college in the program for fuck's sake. and why? what did they do?
shit.
that's what they did.
well technically they paid for stuff, but it was no where NEAR as much money as they wld have spent on some boring ass speaker had the administration been in charge of the program again this yr. they owe us man.
speakin of which...
me & candis went to walmart & king's beauty supply to get some last minute stuff the day of the show. b/t the two of us, we bought
-a scarf
-2 lip glosses
-a loaf of bread
-2 boxes of 'cookies &'
-2 bags of tortilla chips
-a jar of salsa
-a hair clip
-some other stuff im forgettin
all for personal use. charged that shit straight to the school. we been gettin goods throughout this whole thing, man, & i dont feel bad about any of it. britt got her coat cleaned. i got 50 recordable cd's and some computer disks. candis got to keep the white kangol & a wifebeater that we bought for the show (me & malynta got the other 2 beaters). i kept the afro wig & the jewelry. and not a bit of shame nor guilt to be found.
reparations, bitches.
and speakin of bitches,
wanna see the pretty one who stood us up?
i was gonna put up his picture, but u know what--just go & look at his whole conceited ass blkplanet page.
i promise this'll be the last time i bring it up or speak ill of him (til he does sumthin else stoopid). i really dont care no more. it's over.
keepin w/ this whole anger theme, i wanna talk a/b what's goin down at home. i meant to write about this like a week ago.
LPD done killed another one. they shot a 19 yr old black man three times. in the back. he was running away. they say he had a gun, but it was in his waistband when he was shot. never even took it out. sure, dude had some probs. lotsa run-ins w/ the law. but fuck that, he didn't deserve to be murdered as he was runnin away.
there's a lotta shady shit goin down w/ the investigation, like, for example, the officer who shot him refusing to talk to investigators. um... what the hell? how u gon kill somebody & just not talk about it? how u not own up to what u did & not cooperate? i mean, if u were in the right, which u & so many of ur colleagues claim u are, then what is there to worry about? when i find the article w/ the details & video clip, ill put them here.
my thing is this-
if u wanna stop somebody from runnin from u, shoot him in the legs. not the back. and if ur aim is bad enuff that u hit the back in aiming for the legs? yo ass dont need to have a gun. period.
the fucker has been suspended. with pay.
blk folk in Louisville want him fired & rightly so.
they gettin tired of the way we're being treated, told that blk life basiaclly has no value & that it's no big deal for an officer to murder someone b/c he's got a badge. that shit is not okay. there's been far too many murders by police in the past 4 yrs. desmond rudolph (who was in a stalled car behind a tree when he was murdered). james taylor (who was HANDCUFFED with his hands BEHIND HIS BACK when he was killed). so many others, man, i can't even name them all. 4 yrs. all blk. all male.
we've done the marching thing. we've protested and chanted & got a new chief of police (who is black, not/surprisingly). and it keeps happening. so what now?
we get angry now. that's what's happening at home. folk is startin to get violent & i'm gettin a little concerned as to what will happen. the day after the shooting there was a protest in front of police headquarters. most of the crowd was young, high school age. they were in a group throwin their fists in the air & yelling 'WE FED UP! WE FED UP!'
folk started turnin over city garbage cans & throwin the trash in the street.
windows were broken out of the headquarters.
police had folk on the ground, handcuffin them & draggin them away.
it's gettin crucial & sumthin has to be done. beyond that, i dunno what else to say. except that im fed up too.
(story & video of protest here. and look @ this dumb bastard. susan smith, anyone?)
i forgot to mention that there's a new blk male professor on campus. i forget his name but he teaches public speaking and is originally from texas and is really interesting b/c he's mixed, right, his mama's white but he hates white folk. or at least has a huge dislike for them. he said he tried to be white for the first 18 yrs of his life til he found out, as he said, that all the nigger jokes they were makin were about him. he's teaching here while gettin his ph.d @ UK, studying blk gay & female literature.
i told him he's in for a treat here @ transy.
his office is downstairs. ill go visit him soon.
TracimusLynnicus: britt's gettin married.
Wrekkid Playa:
Wrekkid Playa: say what?
TracimusLynnicus: that's what her mama told my mama
TracimusLynnicus: after she gets her master's she gon marry this dude
TracimusLynnicus: it just feels like she's in a rush to be grown, man
TracimusLynnicus: plus she said she's had some body & self esteem issues
TracimusLynnicus: part of me thinks she's a lil too happy to find someone who can appreciate her
TracimusLynnicus: i cain't tell her what to do, of course
TracimusLynnicus: plus she aint ask me shit
TracimusLynnicus: didn't even tell me shit
Wrekkid Playa: when they say "Is there anyone who objects" you have run up to the front and make an impassioned plea
TracimusLynnicus: lol
Wrekkid Playa: stating how dude slept with you the night before the wedding
TracimusLynnicus: lmao!
Wrekkid Playa: and THAT is why they cant get murried
Wrekkid Playa: it will be hard to do...yes
TracimusLynnicus: she wldn't even look twice @ me
Wrekkid Playa: but YOU have to save your friend
TracimusLynnicus: lol
TracimusLynnicus: she already gone.
TracimusLynnicus: WE DONT EVEN TALK ANYMOOOORE
TracimusLynnicus: AND WE DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT WE AR
TracimusLynnicus: GUE ABOOOUT
Wrekkid Playa: lol
Wrekkid Playa: when she realizes that she made a mistake (if this is indeed a mistake) she will get at you
TracimusLynnicus: if this aint a mistake ima be really jealous
TracimusLynnicus: & part of me thinks that it wont be.. they really seem to love each other
TracimusLynnicus: but so soon?
TracimusLynnicus: right into it?
TracimusLynnicus: i dont know if i can imagine bein 21 & deciding to spend the rest of my natural life w/ somebody
Wrekkid Playa: of course it's not a mistake.....
Wrekkid Playa: everyone else is destined to be happy
Wrekkid Playa: and in love
Wrekkid Playa: except for
Wrekkid Playa: me
Wrekkid Playa: and you
TracimusLynnicus: lol
TracimusLynnicus: aww
TracimusLynnicus: shut up. this aint about u.
Wrekkid Playa: lol
she's gettin married?
what?
man i dont even know what to say.
i don't even know where to start in talkin about it.
i personally think it's too soon. she's too young. and like i said up there, she seems to be in a huge incredible rush to be 'grown' here lately, and i really do think that she's maybe just a lil too excited a/b findin someone she finally connects w/ after all the issues she says she has. plus, spendin so much time w/ somebody so quickly after yall meet & deciding that that's it?
that's wild.
but hey. maybe it'll work. i kinda think it will.
sucks that our friendship has had to take the blow that it has tho. i mean sis found him & acted like she cldn't have him and friends at the same time.
all this makes me wonder what i'd do in her position, cause i am kinda sorta in her position. im in love. i want nothing more than to be w/ my baby right now.
but forever?
as sure as i am in the way i feel for & about him, i do recognize that this is my first time bein enthralled like this & that bein inexperienced, it's so hard to know what's right & what u need & what u want & all that. at this age & pt in my life, i honestly dont think i cld committ myself to forever. but then again that's not to say that forever is out of the picture, if that makes any sense. as cliche as it is, i really do believe that if u love sumbody & u have to let them go, u'll find each other again. fate, man. i believe in it.
i dunno. i guess i wish britt the best in spite of my jealousy <- big ups to me cause that shit aint easy to admit. ive never been as brave as she. i really wish i was right now cause i think im quickly approaching a crossroads & pickin the right way to go is gon be a bitch.
im scared of goin the wrong way.
but im scared of walkin whichever path i gotta pick alone.
blah.
& im editin in this other point i just came to notice in talkin to dave:
TracimusLynnicus: u know what's fucked up?
Aeonism: ?
TracimusLynnicus: evry big thing that happens in her life
TracimusLynnicus: movin in w/ dude
TracimusLynnicus: gettin ENGAGED to dude
TracimusLynnicus: i gotta hear about in a round about way
TracimusLynnicus: dont u tell ur friends stuff like this?
Aeonism: yeah i wasnt gonna tackle that
TracimusLynnicus: dont u share that sorta stuff w/ ppl u care about & value & blah blah?
TracimusLynnicus: damn
Aeonism: yeah
TracimusLynnicus: i understand u & ur mate posed to be bestfriends
TracimusLynnicus: but fuck, u caint have no other friends?
Aeonism: time changes, the rhyme changes
Aeonism: and best friens become strangers
Aeonism: (c)nas
TracimusLynnicus: reckon so.
im surrounded w/ some punk ass hoe ass shady ass bitch ass hoes. on the serious. this MLK shit? i dont care what happens no more. i sincerely don't. how the fuck am i supposed to be expected to perform to the best of my ability w/ motherfuckers droppin out the race 2 days before the shit goes down & NOT BOTHERIN TO TELL ME?
chris.
our sam cooke for the evening.
yall... he's such a bitch. he's a young ass immature ass 19 yr old good-hurred light skinnded big bodied green eyed pretty ass bitch and i just called him to leave him a very bitter message telling him just that but guess his damn answering machine didn't pick up. even his machine is a bitch.
okay, i need to get in the bed so ima make this quick.
he told teddy 2 days ago he aint gon do the song for us cause of some prissy ass modeling show or some shit where some NY agent or scout is posed to be there. what's that? why didn't he call ME and tell ME that you ask? refer to the above obscenities for the answer. this is exactly why i aint pay him a piece of mind when he was actin like he was finna holla. i dont deal w/ young cats. or pretty ones. especially pretty young ones. fuck yall.
teddy called him & cussed him out. he gave me a number to reach him out so i cld cuss him out, but when i called the phone was conveniently cut off. then teddy calls me again today talkin bout chris is gon call me cause he might still be able to do it. the bitch never calls. fuck him.
and then catrice gon call me like 30 minutes ago (she's supposed to be one of the commentators) talkin bout she woke up w/ pink eye but she's gon still try & do the show.
...bitch u can still see! brang yo pink eyed ass on!
shady asses, man.
and then Vince's incompetant ass... first off, the dude from UK has disappeared. so i ask vince 3 muhfkin days ago to find me a breakdancer cause he said he cld do it. tonight, day before show--we aint got no gotdamn breakdancers. he talkin bout he still waitin on word but he'll call me by 9 tonight w/ a definite answer.
it's 10:32.
fuck him.
i dont care what happens tomorrow. im not even that nervous about singin anymore cause the rest of the show's prolly gon be crap enuff to make me look good no matter how i sound. and plus nate and justyn and dave have been counselin me, so i wasn't that nervous before the chris & catrice shit. but still... fuck tomorrow.
i just want all this stuff over with so i can get back to my normal boring ass life where i had nuthin to do but go to class. im behind in all my shit. my room is a mess. this needs to stop.
i gotta get up & dressy at like 6 tomorrow morning for an MLK breakfast held by UK's Alphas. free food & blk men in suits. that'll be the highlight of tomorrow.
okay.. end MLK rant.
my brother probably has Miner's (min-ERRS) disease. my mama got it. it's an imbalance in inner ear fluid & it causes horrid dizzy spells that can last for days, followed by migranes that can last for weeks. i hope i dont get that shit, man.
speakin of my mama, she's got the flu right now. i hope i dont get that shit too.
nate... move to chicago w/ me & my friend dallas after i graduate. we can get donnie's crib (leroybumpkin) when he moves out. 1500 a month split three ways. it'll be like 3's Company. and u know the best part? we can move my manfriend in so we can keep yall up at night w/ the headboard bangin against the wall & him moanin like a beeyotch cause i got skills like that :o)
lol.. im jokin.. i just wanted to freak u out. mission accomplished, right? right.
um...
i dunno, i can't think of anything else to report.
oh, i finally wrote Barbara Smith back. i feel like such a louse for waiting so long, but times have been crazy. i'll mail it tuesday.
im finna write out the sam cooke song and the breakdancers outta the script, email new copies to the commentators and get in the bed and call my pookie poo.
i had finally found my way back into his arms. we spent the evening & late night hrs touching, tasting, tickling.. just making up for lost time.
when we tired we opened the window, and sat on the bed looking out over the city, he reclining b/t my legs. we were naked, wrapped in the bed's comforter, and as the heat rose from our bodies & bounced around inside our little shell i became so aware of his skin next to mine. it was like i cld count each of his pores & evrylittle hair.
the night was gorgeous--black, lit only by the streetlights of the buildings across the way, the streets empty, sidewalks bare, save a wanderer or two, and on the 9th floor we felt so much bigger than the world below, like earth itself was kowtowing at our feet, waiting for our will to be spoken. but here, in the midst of such nocturnal perfection, i began to remember sunrise.
i thought about all those nights we spent together alone on the phone til the early morning hours, watching the same sun spill thru our bedrooms at different angles. i loved watching it come up--it was like a big blanket covering both he & i, and it made me feel closer to him even though we were apart. i remembered how cold and unfeeling my own bed felt at those moments and grew smug remembering that those moments were now as distant as the sun itself. i have him here. i triumphed over that lonely ass bed. i squeezed him tighter.
the next night we spent in that bed together was our last. i felt nauseous laying next to him, waiting for the celestial thief to slip over the horizon & steal me from him.
i cried like a baby that night.
after he kissed my tears away we sat again reclining on the bed, naked, i b/t his legs this time as he held me close & rocked me softly. i stared out the widow at the world that was ours just yesterday and tossed the words to the Cardigans' 'No Sleep'..
...and if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
i'd ask for the sun to never rise
if God leant his voice to me to speak
i'd say go to bed, world...
but man
i got this michael jackson 'number ones' album playin & i caint think straight nor sit long enuff to have the remote semblance of an attn span. i shld completely be asleep. it's after 1. but im waitin on my baby to call--that's how i rationalize bein up & rockin out to mj.
i mean i was gon talk about mlk & riots at home & feminism & bi-polarism & love & all that goodness. but i cain't focus. wait, ill turn the mroosic down-
kay.
...nah, it didn't work.
it's finna be michael jackson all day evryday tomorrow.
i watched the color purple again today. so brilliant.
dave man.. u must see it.
& anyone else that hasn't seen it, come see me. we'll have a 'color purple' party.
i feel less pressed to write chronologically here these days. everything just seems to run together; nothing seems to happen that's important enough to report. everything's about getting this MLK stuff done when i'm awake & dreaming about my darling when im asleep. that's it. i'm not doing homework cause i wanna make sure this program is Right witta capital arruh. only time i see britt & candis is to get stuff for the program or to talk about the program. and lemme just say that candis has not been my favorite person lately. she gets in these moods, man, pissy ass moods that i can very much deal without.
anyway.
it seems like he's my only dream these days. i can't think of too much else to smile about so it makes sense that in my free time i travel back to him. we spend so much time together because i see him evrytime i close my eyes.
i tried writing about him last night & failed miserably. writing frustrates me, even now as i sit clickin these words out. so im gonna stop. but first ima bring it full circle & take it back to alice walker. read this excerpt from the script of the movie:
shug:
now tell me the truth, miss celie... do u mind if albert sleep with me?
celie:
...you like sleepin with him?
i have to confess--i love it. dont you?
no. most of the time i pretend like i aint there. he dont know the difference. he dont never ask me how i feel. dont ask me nuthin bout myself. just climb on toppa me and do his business.
"do his business?" why, miss celie, you sound like he goin to the toilet on you.
...that's what it feel like.
why, then, miss celie... that mean you still a virgin.
------------
mista didn't give a shit about celie. had no respect for her body other than the convenience of it being there. cared nothing for her mind, interests, nothing. celie's seen things i'll never have to see for which i am grateful--i may feel them, sure enough, plenny women may feel them, but the semi-fortunate ones will never have to live them like she lived them--and yet i still liken myself to her in some ways.
im sure lots of blk women can.
my first never raised a hand to me but he delivered some potentially fatal blows. he was sorta like mista. didn't care about my body's welfare.
but just like shug say...
without the willingness & respectability of love it was just a cold exchange of bodily fluid. i was still a virgin afterwards.
& in making love to my darling, he became my first.
so very much has happened, but it's late & im finna go to bed.
actually it's only 11:10, but i been goin to sleep by 12 everynight & wakin up before my alarm clock evrymornin. its pretty dope. makes my days seem a lot shorter.
im back at school.
i saw my baby over the break. we spent a week bein grown & making love & giggling like 12 yr olds. it was beautiful & ill probably be writing about it for the next 5 months.
im ridiculously stressed. all this MLK shit man. i was ready to quit til i got this email from my old teacher Bryan Trabold not 3 minutes ago. it's given me a 2nd wind. im gonna do my damndest to make this a success. then im not doin anything else other than homework the rest of my time here.
and i cant figure out why he leaves the 'e' out when he types 'trace.' *shrugs*
-------------------------------
I read the stage directions for MLK day and they look AWESOME! I was so impressed. Let me ramble about all of the things I loved.
First, as much as I admire Dr. King the man, I couldn’t agree with you more that this day is intended to reflect on the broader struggle, and not deify one individual. And as you accurately state, King HIMSELF would agree with this idea!
Second, I love how you show that the struggle has been at times radical and even angry (rightfully so). Another aspect of some MLK celebrations that can be infuriating is the tendency sometimes to present the struggle a little too “nicely” so as not to make white people uncomfortable.
Third, you brilliantly show how the struggle is ongoing and that the African American community is still being misrepresented today. This is linked in a way to the second point: All too often, MLK day is used to send the implicit message: “Hooray! The good guys won! There’s nothing left to fight for anymore!”
Finally, I’m so glad that you included “A Change is Gonna Come”, Gabriel’s favorite song. He had me play him this very song this morning! (And do I have a story to tell you about this! But it must be in person!)
Your presentation will expose people to the important, daily acts of resistance that I’m guessing a good part of the audience at Transy has never even considered. This is really brilliant stuff, Trac! I love it!!! Thank you so much. I can’t wait to see it in person.
Bryan
----------------------------
i needed to read that.
here we have Steve, Candi, & Malynta on stage for the late 80s/early 90s hip hop era. (that god awful 'x' sweatshirt was not my doing, i swear)
Smith as Bob Marley singin 'redemption song'.. he did a really good job.
Tracy Holiday. i hate this picture.
