im in a funk yall.
blue mood type shit. slightly disthymic (dysthimic?)
it'll pass.
but i shall mope until it does.
im tryna write again. i hate evrything that comes out as of late. but at least im tryin.
im tired.
i missed class AGAIN this morning man. 2nd time. lifetime fitness. i hate that gotdamn class. i set my alarm clock wrong this mornin & slept right thru it. we're allowed 2 unexcused absences--i was tryna save those 2 for later on in the semester. like i was posed to be goin to central state university's game against k-state in @ central (which is in ohio) in february. it's in the middle of the week & there's no way id be able to make it to class the next day. but shit now ima have to. or just not go to the game.
blah.
im still way behind in my classes. i think that's why i skipped 20th cent. brit lit yessaday. i haven't read ANYTHING for that class since the semester started. i just be sittin there pretendin to pay attn, zonin out. i hate that shit. so i didnt go. i got a buncha shit to read for that class tomorrow that i havent done yet, but ima do it. or at least try to.
its gettin so hard to get up & go to class, just cause i dont wanna be here & im tired of thinkin & readin & writin about shit that i dont care about. and 2 english courses a/b british lit. wtf, this is not the english i care about and u cannot convince me that it'll give me any greater understanding of my ppl & they literature. that's what im interested in. i fell like ive taken the same fuckin course 4 times already. the most i can do is hope that the white folks i gotta read touch on the issues important to me, or that my teachers squeeze in some black authors somewhere. that's bullshit. white folk dont have to worry about not seein themselves reflected in the shit they're assigned. god forbid they make some sort of non-western lit required for these bitches to read. maybe they'd learn sumn bout theyselves.
bitches.
im cussin today. gotdamnit.
the only class i dont hate goin to is Black Feminist Theory but even that has the potential to be about white folk. man
okay, first of all
remember me talkin about how i tried to get the (white) women's group on campus to help w/ MLK day and nobody responded? and then remember how the president or whoever had the fucking NERVE to ask me to help them with the Vagina Monologues?
dont u know that this SAME HEFFA had the NERVE to come into a BLACK FEMINIST THEORY course and beg for help w/ it? ?!?!?!?! what the fuck?? do u not see the irony in this? i was extremely offended and insulted. i can't bring myself to help them just yet. i was pissed tho. u can't see the societal bullshit that comes with bein black a woman's issue, yet u'll walk into a class on these very issues that yo ass SHOULD be taking and ask for help for your ol dominatin ass ways. fuck that.
fuck them.
and u know what else? there's this conservative republican cat named Spence in the calls, right. Spence. yo, ill be the first to say that he's fuckin brilliant. very quick witted. VERY talented orator. heavy into politics. he'll make a good politician one day (<- i dunno how much of a compliment that is tho). but man, he talks too fuckin much. way too damn much. he was in my global feminism course & the whole 3 hrs was just him goin back & forth & back & forth w/ one other person a/b governmental policy or some shit.
last class was exactly the same thing. yo, we didn't talk a/b black women ONCE. he and some other dude led the class discussion, right... they were talking about the feminist ideas presented by the blk feminist authors we had to read. but they didn't pick out any issues that had to do w/ being blk women to discuss. like i mean they completely took them out of a racialized context and applied them to Transy's campus, which is overwhelmingly white. we were talking about rape & how it happens at frat parties (white) on campus (white) and how to talk to the (white) men on campus about it.
we can't even talk about black ppl in a class DEVOTED to blk ppl. how fucked up is that?
i aint havin it.
the professor emailed me & wants to talk to me about how the class went cause she cld tell by me & britt's expressions that we weren't pleased. ill try to go see her today.
speakin of britt, she finally saw fit to invite me to her apartment to watch a movie or sumthin. i dont think im goin. i feel sorta bad about it in the end, and it's kinda petty but im still resentful of alotta the shady shit she been pullin. i dunno--evrytime candis or i try to get her to kick it like we used to she 'can't' because of this reason or that reason. ive stopped invitin her to shit & tryna get her to kick it cause im not finna put myself out there to be brushed away no more. and now that she wants to kick it im posed to come runnin & smilin? we kick it on her terms & her time? what about when tracy was finna rip her hair out cause she got tired of eatin alone & talkin to herself? i dunno. im prolly overracting but im not down w/ that right now.
& on a somewhat related tangent, i ran into dion at lunch today. i sat & ate w/ him & dr. thompson. dion's a weird cat. mixed, but more blk than anything--very socially conscious, intelligent as hell. claims to be bi-sexual. i say gay, straight up. can be very annoying--that's how he was when he went to school here. me him & britt used to hang til we became a lil too much. still, he's cool peeps, & he helped us adjust to bein here.
me & britt wld see him periodically on campus & avoid him cause we aint feel like the drama. actually, she wld avoid him; i thought that was kinda wrong, walkin the other way... i can be such a follower sometimes. so i seen em today & decided to stop bein shady. that's real fucked up.
but yeah... i think ill go to my uncle's this weekend.
'oops, my bad, i forgot about the movie. im so used to kickin it alone on the weekends i went ahead & made other plans.'
i dont think ill feel bad about it. not til later anyway.
im turnin to stone, dude. i dont feel bad a/b a lotta stuff these days. for example-
i thought it'd be a good idea to sell copies of the MLK soundtrack to get some more money for DAC. $5 a piece. so i bought cd's & cases & charged them to the school in order to burn them, which is logical. ive gotten only 4 CD orders. not a lot, but that's $20.
...im broke...
$20 wld be real nice right now....
why am i gonna keep that shit?
or at least thing reeeeal hard about it? i mean hell, DAC dont even have a budget. whatever we need come outta the dean's pocket. they wont give us a budget. we been ASKIN for a budget for 4 yrs. evry official campus organization has a budget. we dont.
if they gon keep ignorin us & carryin us
im keepin that shit. wont nobody miss it.
...plus i never really said what the proceeds wld benefit anyway.
so
im gonna print up flyers.
'BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND... MLK PROGRAM SOUNDTRACKS! LIMITED TIME & SUPPLY! $5!!!'
and i dont feel bad at all.
im a hustler, baby.
reparations, bitches!
& before i go
sumn's wrong w/ my archive. it's not showin all my past entries. how do i fix it?
AAND im puttin my new found grippo fan friend in the links over thurr. we need some common sense to ovverride the hater *cough*DAVID*cough*
