ive been trying to shake it off but it's consuming me tonight.
i didn't go to the doctor today. it hadda be rescheduled for next wednesday.
i went shopping to find something to wear to the game & party on saturday. this was gonna be my feel better weekend--hair washed & freshly twisted, slick shirt, jeans that carry the ass like *woah.* i was gon roll out w/ blk folk, be among blk folk & have fun w/ blk folk in spite of what's goin on in my lower extremities.
i went shopping. i bought a pair of jeans, a sheer blk shirt, a blk tank top to go under it & a random blue shirt that was on sale for $7.99. guess i spent about 50 bucks. 50 bucks that i surely didn't need to spend. i bought shit to make me feel better & now i feel bad for spending.
i just tried on the stuff i bought. nothing seems to hang right on me anymore (tho the jeans do carryin the ass like *woah*). i feel hideous lately & it sucks. i dont even wanna go no more.
i dont wanna go no more cause my legs hurt me just about the entire time i was out today. i ignored the pain as best i cld, even pushed myself a lil bit. im feeling it now. i cant even walk through a fucking mall anymore. yo, i can't cross my legs anymore b/c my knees just lock up.
ima go to that shit this weekend & have to find a corner or sumn & just sit & watch erbody else have fun. i wont be able to dance. wont be able to stand up for a long time.
but i dont wanna stay here by myself.
im really fuckin tired of sittin in this lil box of a room alone.
i haven't done any homework. i cant concentrate, in class or out of it.
and im so gotdamned sick of entries like this. i mean, this shit aint me. im happy damnit, yall know that. im sunshine & smiles & jokes and all that other bullshit.
i had a dream the night before my mama called me w/ the test results that i was being attacked by some man and i cldn't fend him off. he was shirtless & he was groping me... i scratched at his back just my nails just slid right off of him.
i grew hysterical yesterday. i threw myself into my comforter & just cried for like 5 minutes. hard. like hyperventilating. and i prayed.
i dont know what i did but im sorry
i wont do it again
ill change
just take this away from me
take it away plz take it away
it was weird, and in retrospect i am embarrassed at my behavior. but im scared, man. im scared and im alone and i dont wanna be here or there and i hate it.
and i havent really talked to my darlin in like a week so i feel extra extra alone.
today was just a bad day.
i just dont wanna wonder anymore cause im gonna worry myself into a crazyhouse.
