im terrified, man.
like ive been cryin on & off since my mama called me about an hr ago.
my knees have been hurting me for the past month, ever since christmas break. i did a lotta walkin over the break & for the week after my lower extremities were sore, joints & muscles included. that always happens when the muscles are worked more than usual so i wasnt worried at all.
a week later the muscles are fine, but my knees are still killin me. not sore to the touch but it'd hurt to bend.
a whole month later and they still hurt. ive been thinking ive just strained or bruised or torn a muscle or a ligament or some shit, cause the pain (which is worse in my right leg than it is in the left) has gradually moved away from the knee, sorta.
my mama came to see me & t ook me to a doctor here. they took some blood to be analyzed. i figured then it was just tendonitis or bursitis or sumthin & have been treating it as such.
nothing has really helped it.
my mama called the doctors here again & they told her that an ARA test (i think that's what it's called) they did on my blood came back positive.
so i may have rheumatoid arthritis.
all i can think about is me being 21 and not being able to do the things normal 21 yr olds do. im about to graduate, for fuck's sake. ive been plannin to get back into shape and im posed to be doing it now w/ this damn PE class im takin, but i can't do shit for real. i wanna go back to runnin my miles during the week (cause the thighs were lookin quite nice, i must say). and my bike! i wanna be able to ride my fuckin bike to the park w/o loadin up on a buncha pills or havin to ice down my legs or some shit.
this sucks.
my daddy's mama has rheumatoid arthritis really bad. she can't drive anymore because of it. shit, i haven't even STARTED drivin for real. this is so unfair.
and is it my fault? have i not been treating my body right?
i feel like im being punished.
i dont wanna hafta hobble around like this forever man. its not fair; i got shit to do and plenny time to do it in.
im so scared, man.
i dont want the rest of my days to be fulla steroid treatments & cortisone shots just so i can walk up and down the steps w/o pain.
i hope im overreacting. i do worry too much all the time. and my mama did say that this one test is not definite & they'll have to do more bloodwork to be sure. so im goin home tomorrow to see my doctor on friday. i was lookin forward to the game & afterparty on saturday, but i may not make it (& keesh im sorry for not keepin you posted, but i haven't gotten any additional information :o/)
if i cant go b/c of my knees im gonna get so pissed & prolly fall into depression.
