last nite me, candis & julena went to an open mic nite @ UK hosted by their blk student union. there was a 'grown & sexy' party afterward (<- thus promoted to prevent another apollo party fiasco). i've decided that that will be the last college party i go to for the duration of my collegiate career.
i think my social skills are depleting.
ive grown so used to being alone that i dont really know how to be around ppl anymore. the party was wack, but i can usually make the best out of a sucky situation like that. then again, i usually have a certain soon-to-be-murried somebody w/ me to crack jokes & act stupid with. candis is cool but we aint on the same plane a lotta times. she and julena are a tad (read: a lot) more boy crazy than i've ever been, so i wasnt too concerned w/ bein cute or gossipin bout this nigga or that one.
i basically sat out in the hallway where the only chairs were for the duration of the dance. i was worried about strainin my knees too much.
plus i just didn't wanna be there.
events like that only remind me of the things im missin out on here at this fuckin school. no friends, no one to relate to. i swear evrybody at that party knew evrybody else's name *cues 'cheers' theme song* & they all just sorta looked thru me, the same way they do here.
blah.
mark showed up about an hr before we left. he's a good guy. prolly why candis dont wanna holla @ him. it was good seein him tho; he lives in lexington now cause he made the city's semi-pro football team. so we'll prolly see more of him.
AND.
the highlight of my weekend:
my big brother showed up to surprise me!
earlier yesterday evening before we left for the show, my mama called me like 'what are u doin later on? well keep ur phone w/ u cause ill be callin u back. i got sumn to talk to u about.'
gotDAMN i hate when she does that. whyyyyyyy can't u tell me now? who's in trouble? who's in jail? who's in the hospital? what's wrong? tell me now!
'i can't tell u now, i need more details first.'
so im dreading her phonecall. while we at the open mic joint it rings & i hold my breath. but it's not her callin; it's my brother. he called to get directions to where i was cause he was in lexington & was gonna come see me.
AWWWWWW!
man, i was so touched. he came here from louisville just to visit me (and prolly to see some other chick, but it's cool. itll take it). he stayed @ the party for a lil while then bounced to get sumn to eat w/ his friend ray (<- more than likely the other chick he came to see). he even danced a lil bit.
i dunno why i didn't expect to see him today, but i didn't. he called me at 12:00 talkin bout he's gon be here in 30 minutes. he called again an hr & 15 mins later talkin bout he's on his way.
we went to captain d's to get sumthin to eat. there aren't any captain d's in innanapolis & he loves seafood, so i agreed to go there, even tho i hate seafood. it was nice, just he & i sittin, eatin, talkin. i dont think we've ever done that before. ever.
i love him so much.
he's back in louisville now, either huggin on his daughter or huggin on some other girl.. lol
he really made my weekend tho. i love valentime's day, but it always makes me sorta sad, u know? i mean i love the feelin of love that seems to be evrywhere, but it always reminds me of how lonely my life has become, especially now.
my mama called to wish me a happy valentime's day this mornin.
'sorry i cldn't send u anything sweetheart, but i just haven't had the time to do it.'
that's okay. i love u mommy :o)
my daddy called me not long after i hung up w/ her.
i was mad, cause i meant to call him before he called me... i guess ive been feelin a lil guilty about not talking to him very often.. so i answered the phone w/ a cheery 'happy valentime's day!'
'aw, shoot, u beat me! now i gotta call u back & do it over'
i smiled.
he used to send me flowers at school evryvalentime's day beginning w/ the 6th grade. they stopped in like, the 10th grade & i dunno why. after 6 yrs, i really dont expect any, but i still look for some anyway, just in case. he didn't mention me getting anything from him on the phone, so i was pretty sure he didn't send me anything.
but i still went to go check.
...no flowers, no cards, no candy.
guess i was a little let down. but not cause i didnt get anything at all--im not one to measure affection in dollar signs or rose petals cause my mama raised me better that that--but its like, back then, that was one of the few ways i knew he gave a shit about my existance, u know?
but it's whatever.
i dont need flowers & cards & candy to let me know that folks care.
i am lonely, but i am loved.
*plus* im gangsta.
i guess ill throw a lil valentime's party for myself tonite.
ill shower, stay nekkid, comb out my hair, watch movies & eat too much in the buff in celebration of me. my sweetie'll be out havin fun, & beyond him i dont really have anyone i'd care to call & talk to. so it's me, myself & me again tonite. and im okay w/ that. guess i sorta hafta be, yknow?
