i have been writing since i was about eight years old.
i have written many things—
plays, poems, love letters... term papers, of course... prose, newspaper articles;
i even began writing a novel when i was a sophomore in high school.
this speech is easily the most intimidating thing i’ve ever decided to write.
during my four years here, i’ve felt a tremendous amount of frustration here on campus, for being one of a handful of brown people is no easy task. my freshman year i began sounding off about this frustration through the campus newspaper, and with my very first article, a tradition was set in motion, one that i’ve kept up during my collegiate career at Transy. it became my therapy. i have always felt so small in this group of 1100 or so, and i have always feared that i am a bit too easy to ignore. writing became the vehicle through which i was sure i would at least be heard, if not listened to.
with this speech, i want desperately to be listened to.
i asked my mother and close friends if i’d ever be let on the microphone and given unadulterated attention this way, given my rather inflammatory literary past. they all said no, jokingly, but with a hint of sad seriousness.
this fear of not being allowed to be listened to was in the foreground of my decision to write this speech.
as such, i tried to mold and tailor my story, aiming perhaps to be quietly subversive in the course of praising the institution, lauding our collective experiences, and lending a few optimistic words for the future. the task at hand was to write a speech that everyone in attendance could relate to, and i kept asking myself:
“how many people will be able to relate to a black girl’s story of feeling alone and afraid, and learning about others and herself and the world in the most unconventional ways, and smiling at her newly acquired strength once this leg of the race has been completed?”
this is when the speech became easy to write.
we are such a vastly varied group.
we come from different cities, different counties,
different states, countries, families, values, traditions, and backgrounds.
because of these fundamental differences, we each walked into this college experience with different expectations, and thusly lived different experiences-
maybe we were thrilled with the adventure of being on our own for the first time and took advantage of the new-found freedom and challenge of self-sufficiency. maybe we beheld it as simply another item on our checklists of things we must do reach the nadir of growth, maturity, and success. maybe we found ourselves paralyzed with shock and fear, feeling like islands that would not have cared to welcome visitors had they cared to explore them.
whatever our experience, i am sure the vast majority of us would agree that we have learned a great deal. we snicker at our friends at other schools who complain to us about having to write 5 page papers, when most of us were handed assignments for 15 to 20 page term papers our very first semesters here. we’ve read textbook after novel after journal after article; we’ve been tested over the material and we know it. we’ve learned it. we are the recipients of some of the best academic educations in this state, in this part of the nation, even.
but i am willing to wager that the lessons we have learned span far beyond the pages of the myriad of books we have read and papers we have written over the past four years. they are more than classes, projects, final exams and emails bearing our grades at the end of each semester:
they are life lessons. they are the trials that force us out of our comfort zones and test our composure and character. they challenge us to challenge ourselves and our beliefs, to speak up when we would previously fall silent, to be quick to question and slow to judge. no matter what walk of life we have traversed, we stand at this fork in our roads changed women and men, having been exposed to new branches of the world, each other, and ourselves.
revelation is as important as any revolution.
indeed, it is the essence of revolution itself.
and our own personal hearts and minds are not the only renovated structures standing on this day. i like to think that this institution itself has learned just as much from us as we have from it. we have borne witness to national tragedy and seen the advent of another war together. we all had different responses—some protested in the name of patriotic peace, while others rallied in support of overseas involvement. whatever our reaction, we reacted together, students with faculty, faculty with administration, administration with students and staff; and hopefully we all learned something from each other. this is how we come full circle—the trading and changing of ideas between generations is what will sharpen our senses, keeping us evolving and offering new, accepting light that encourages healthy growth in the classes and generations to come after us.
if this experience has taught me anything, it is that difference is rarely the only thing we have in common. four years ago i would have sworn that i’d never be able to stand here on this stage, telling my story to such a sundry group of souls, speaking of commonalities. as we sit here together today, we are proof that these four years of frustration, joy, ease, hindrance, resignation, success—whatever they have been—they have not been in vain.
there has been a revolution in all of us.
may we carry it with us beyond these walls and use our experiences, different as they may have been, to set little fires of revelation wherever the wind bids us travel, and may others see those flames and bid them grow.
man.
today was freaking beautiful.
sun was out, sky was blue, weather was warm.
needless to say, i didnt get any homework done, which is not a good thing considerin the 10-15 pager i got due friday that i havent started on.
i got up & went to class as usual this morning, came back to my room & sat around. one day each march, as a part of women's history month, ladies on campus volunteer to have a 6th grade girl shadow them for the day, just to expose them to college life. they also have little workshops & stuff. i suspect most of them were boring. candis volunteered to mentor a little girl, and she asked me if i wanted to, too, but i declined cause i had planned to write that paper today.
i ran into her and brandy, the young lady she had with her, as i was leaving my class this morning. she was precious. very, very personable. she looked everyone right in their faces as they were talking, whether she was a part of the conversation or not. i liked that about her. get em girl. don't avert ur eyes for nodamnbody. candis said they were gonna meet up w/ christina and hey buddy for the day and have lunch. i asked if i could join them, and brandy was like, 'yeah!' so i met them for lunch.
let me back up.
the girls that they bring to campus are 'inner city youth.' students from schools in the immediate area, which are largely black, so of course, most of the girls on campus today were black. there's a girl in the class i had today named lindsey. lindsey's white. half latina, but white. she had a little girl with her this morning. i felt so pressed to say something to her, if nuthin else cause for some reason i felt like i knew how she felt about bein in that room w/ that girl, however she was feelin. lindsey's not the most enlightened individual in the world. not a slobbering, mangy racist, but just ignorant to a lotta stuff.
lindsey and kiera (that was the little girl's name) also ate lunch with us.
we just sat around talking to the girls. all of them sounded like me, their accents, their slang, their cadences. i felt at home. but fucking lindsey. i was sitting at the opposite end of the table and wasnt really paying attn to her conversation w/ the girls, but here's what i did pick up:
1) knowing that the young ladies attend 'inner city schools,' she actually had the nerve to look these girls in the eye and ask them: 'so... are there a lot of drugs in your school?' i heard that and felt like yellin, bitch is it a lotta drugs in YO school?! i mean really, the stereotyper award of the day shld be shoved right up her ass. i stared at her for a good minute with my 'what the damn hell?' look hoping to catch her eye, but she was consumed in their answers. i was so intent in givin her the look of death and pestilence that i didn't think to listen to their answers. the last thing they need is some stuck up privileged ass 'educated' white girl lookin down on them & their environment. i puzzled for the next hour on how to confront her about it.
as we were leaving, though, i was walking with two of the girls. one of them put her hand on kiera's shoulder and looked at me. 'she doesn't like lindsey.'
ha! i dont like lindsey either sweetie, and we aint the only ones, trust.
'she asked that really dumb question,' she said, 'if there was drugs in our school or not.'
it did my heart so much good to know that they recognized that question as a dumb one. i can't recall how they answered her, but i put money on it that they put her in her place, whether she recognized it or not.
2) she kept referring to the middle school students as 'my/our/your girl(s)' 'who's girl is this? is she yours?' bitch, she has a name. she's not a fucking rental. she's a person and she dont belong to her nor u nor nobody but her mama til she's 18. shut the fuck up.
3) i didn't hear this part, but julena, who was sitting next to lindsey, told us after lindsey left the table that after the idiotic drug question, lindsey turned to her (julena) and said 'i hope my kids don't turn out thuggish.'
yo
if i wld have heard that shit i'da ripped her a new one, straight up. i plan on mentionin that to her if i see her in an appropriate setting. really . what the fuck.
this is my concern with this tradition. it's very well-intended, but i mean, bring a bunch of blk girls from the surrounding community on campus to follow around a bunch of rich, white, oblivious women and u run the very big risk of patronization. right now i put money on it that lindsey is on the phone tellin somebody about how 'ghetto *her* girl' was/is/will always be.
*sigh*
anyway
after lindsey left to do who knows what, she told us to meet her in haupt plaza so that she cld take kiera to her next workshop. we get out there after the gallery and she's not there. granted, we were a little late, but lindsey didn't stick around, so i walked her to where she was supposed to be. there was lindsey, sittin in the room without her partner lookin a ass. dumb ass broad.
after that i ran a few campus errands and then went to go sit on the sign. the infamous sign. i missed it so much, man.
it was just me sittin on it this time, tho.
it was sorta lonely.
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i sat and kept netta company today as she ate lunch. it was just she and i--everyone else had to go to the art gallery. not long after she got her food and sat down she said
'i think ima be like you my senior yr.'
i aint know what she meant by that. i thought she meant the senioritis thing, so i smiled. 'these white boys here, wooooooooo! they gon make me go crazy up in hurr.'
netta's from memphis. freshman. blk. thick TN accent & a country tone of speech. i love it. and she's got really expressive eyes, like whatever she's feelin, u know just by lookin. she usually laughs and jokes, but there was no mirth in them eyes as she was speakin today. i stopped smilin and listened to her tell me a story about her borrowing a CD from a friend of her's on campus, erin, a dude on the baseball team. it was his roommate dylan's cd, but eric let her take it anyway. netta goes back a day or so later to give it back. eric, dylan, and some other boys from the baseball team are in the room. netta respectfully hands dylan the cd and thanks him. dylan flips and starts screamin on her. BITCH, GIMMIE MY SHIT! and so forth. out of the blue. of course she speaks up to defend herself, but he just keeps on. she's in this room fulla white boys, alone. they all laffinin at the situation, laffin at her bein attacked and degraded for no reason at all. and her 'friend' eric is just sitting there, watching it happen.
she was so hurt, yall. i cld see it in them orbs she calls eyes.
i felt so bad. and other than marchin over there and screamin on dude myself, i dont know what cld be done about it.
we talked about how fucked up it all was for a good minute after that.
then she asked me
'u heard of blackplanet.com?'
dear lord.
i shook my head yeah and let memory flood my smile.
lord, have i been there before.
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yall had a good run.
but fuck yall for LOSING IN THE FIRST DAMN ROUND.
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it's funny how sometimes things seem to be destined to happen at the right time.
i sat on the sign tryna get my graduation speech written. it's not coming well at all. no one wants to hear my REAL story. well, the president and the deans and the board of trustees don't wanna hear my real story cause my real story consists of a million charges and accusations against this gotdamn school. if i write plainly what i want to say, they won't let me say it. but the thing is, i can't compromist my story just because i want the white folk to let me have a few minutes. fuck that. i decided i'd do waht i cld & if they dont want it, fine. it'll hafta be whatever.
leaving the sign, tho, i was completely ready to get up.
i get back to my room and there's a note on my dry erase board in red marker from ashley, the girl who lives at the opposite end of the hall:
Tracy,
Have you considered applying to be our student commencement speaker? I'm on the commitee that chooses and I know you're a good writer, so I thought you could write an awesome speech. If you want an application or more info, let me know! --Ashley wow.
i wasn't expecting her at all.
i walked down to her room to see her and she seemed really excited about me giving the speech. i was touched, man.
so im gonna try again.
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somethin else that happened right on time:
a few days ago, im desparing (again) over what to do with my life post graduation. this was sunday evening. i went to get some dinner and checked my mail on my way back to my room to find an envelope w/ my name and somebody's local return address, but no postage.
...odd.
i open it & it's a letter from the mother of one of the paper's editor. she basically commended me for my articles and urged me to keep writing, as a career.
ill write more on that later, and type the actual letter here for yall to read.
but it was some unexpected inspiration i surely didn't expect to come from a white woman i aint never met before.
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im goin home this weekend.
tiara's goin to stay with travis for the week (yes!!)
i know that's a problematic claim to make because of course i dont remember what it felt like being born in the first place. but i imagine it took a lot of letting go. a huge release of comfort. maybe an unwilling marching towards tomorrow (whatever that is). i imagine that first scream must have been one of relief and absolute terror and excitement all at the same time. the second scream a shrill little victory cry. the third... who knows. but it happened. and several others after that. some purposeful, others pulled from little lungs too wet still to hold tight to them.
i don't know where im going with this yet.
the relief is waiting in the ranks.
the excitement is there.
god knows there's enuff terror to last me til the nursing home.
what makes this separation from dis/comfort different from the first is the fact that i have more control over what will happen to me in the coming months. a little too much, i sometimes think. if i had no control over my next step, at least i wouldn't have to worry about having to blame myself if i end up in a place i dont wanna be. and im so scared of failing, either myself or someone else.
babies aren't afraid of anything. okay, loud noises. scary faces, sure. dogs & shit. but little keisha from next door used to pick up big huge ass roaches and eat them. well she would have if her mother or older sisters hadn't stopped her. im terrified of bugs because i know better. babies will sit for hours trying to fit a plastic square into a round hole, unashamedly, in the face of a roomful of grinning adults. trying new things has never been my specialty. babies have a sort of indestuctable strength in their innocence.
i think we all know too much.
i blame adam for eatin that damn apple. he seen some titties & lost his mind.
i imagine being born in reverse would be the equivalent of me staying in louisville, either with my mama nem or in my own appartment. ive come very far. my experiences on campus have dissolved a lot of the naivety (sp?) i had left. he helped strip the rest. those now empty spaces are strengthening, but they weaken easily. but the moral is that ive come pretty damn far, from shy, quiet, scared of boys high school tracy to almost grown ass, confrontational when needed ass, hard lovin, desirable pussy havin trace.
if i stay here, ill regress.
gotta press on. i dont think that'll be the hard part, tho. moving on.
it's deciding which way to move that terrifies me.
mos def has a beautiful voice. i love listening to him sing.
i wonder if he thought his fans wld abandon him when he decided to pay as much attn to harmonizin as to rhymin?
i worry about losing my #1 fan all the time.
and this is a very uncomfortable space to exist in, teetering over the edge, unsure if ur parachute's gon open, but excited to be there seeing all that u're seeing and feeling what u're feeling.
im babbling cause kurris makes me wanna write.
i rarely know what she be talkin bout in her blawg, but i like readin.
i thought writin a lil bit wld bring me a lil closer to solace.
hi yall!
im back at school, which is good and bad.
good cause i dont wanna be at home.
bad cause i dont wanna be at school.
good cause time continues flyin by and soon it twill be emancipaton day.
my time at home was okay. it just sorta... was. same ol same ol.
OOH i caught up with dallas tho! i went to visit her at her apartment saturday evening. it was so good seein her again, man. she's one of the few consistant friends i have. and for some reason it seems like ive already told this story here, but i dont think i have. anyway, she's got a nice lil apartment on 22nd & broadway...right.on.broadway (hellooooo derby!), got a job doin sumthin or the other downtown, got a boyfriend who she says isn't living there with her. but i dunno. he was there when i was there, in her room playin x-box. i was there a full hour before she even mentioned him for real, and when i went to say hi to him, he looked at me for 2 seconds, almost mouthed a 'sup' but not really, then went on ignoring me.
what's up w/ that?
none of my friends' boyfriends will talk to me.
?
anyway.
i told her she shld move with me to wherever i move to. she said she'd think about it. i sorta hope she decides too... it'll be nice not to be alone in some huge strange city, plus it'd be nice to be able to kick it like we used to.
i need to come closer to making some decisions, too.
the next GRE exam is April 3rd. results will be mailed out May 14th. that's officially past like evry grad school application deadline in the world. im gonna contact the career developlement center this week & hopefully they can help me.
a few weeks ago, my neice was telling me what she learned in school about abraham lincoln being 'the great emancipator.' she's 11. of course i proceed to tell her the TRUE story of lincoln, wanting to send all the freed slaves back to africa, freeing them only to win the war, his belief in their inferiority, all that good stuff. i then tell her to take that info back to her teacher & see what she says, so i can see what sorta education they givin kids these days. i ask her about it while im home over spring break.
basically her teacher told her that evrything i told her was a lie & evrything in the textbook is true.
im tired of typing, but my basic inclination is to write her a professional letter explaining to her why that was the wrong response to have, along with some information supporting what i told my neice, and a couple of book suggestions, mainly "Lies My Teacher Told Me" by James Loewen and "Forced into Glory: Abraham Lincoln's White Dream" by Lerone Bennett, Jr.
she's basically gettin the same bullshit education we all got.
will things ever change?
and am i overreacting?
the next day, she (my neice) was with us when me and my mommy got our hair done (i look like a dark n loveley commercial now, thank u very much). we started talking about it again... for whatever reason my neice doesnt want me to do anything about what her teacher said, and we tried to explain to her why she was wrong. we then went on to tell her lots of things she'll never learn in school, probably until college. that martin luther king didn't do the bus boycotting all by himself, that it was women who did most of the organizing and executing. that rosa parks wasn't the first woman to refuse to give up her seat on the bus. lotsa stuff. it was neat--3 generations of my female family sharing knowledge of our past generations. sounds like a mahogany card, but it was neat.
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i have a story.
im leaving my blk feminist theory class. i have a graded paper in my hand that my professor had just handed back. i wrote about the treatment of gender in 'bamboozled.' i got an A-. im reading the comments.
im walking behind this lil white girl, paying only enuff attn to keep from walking into something or falling as i read. we exit thru the same door. her boyfriend is on a bench underneath the trees outside. she and i reach him at about the same time.
im reading.
in the corner of my ear i think i hear him go 'niiiiii..'
i think i hear him finish, but im not sure. i cut my eyes at him as i walk past & try to gage their facial expressions to see if im right. i stop breathing and step lightly after i pass to see if i can hear what they say afterwards. appears they've gon on w/ their conversation. i keep walking.
by the time i get to my room, i forget all about it.
7:00 comes and im getting ready to leave again to get something to eat. the telephone rings. it's crazy billy from upstairs. crazy billy never calls me.
'hey, wanna meet me outside the hallway real quick?'
no, billy, not really. why?
'a friend of mine just wants to talk to u real quick.'
who?
'nick.'
i dont know a nick.
i go because im leaving anyway, but i keep my hand on my pepper spray, just in case.
standing on the landing is billy and the boy waiting for his girlfriend on the bench earlier. he is visibly shaken. he approaches and averts his eyes.
'hey, um i dont know if u heard what i said out there, um, earlier, but i um'
i glance at his hands. he can't keep them still. they look like powdered sparrows with their tails caught in bear traps, flitting and fighting and scared but unable to fly away.
'i was just quoting something from the chapelle show and i didn't mean any harm at all, and i dont know if your opinion of me is gonna change'
as soon as he starts talking i know what he is talking about, but it doesnt hit me til now. eventually his words become blurs and i try to get my bearings to handle the situation properly.
he looks like he's about to cry, and i feel bad for him. i hold no grudge against him at all, and i want him to know that, so i smile. i thank him for his apology. then i slip up-
'dont worry about it'
why did i tell him not to worry about it? fuck that, he shld worry about it. ...shldnt he? and am i smiling too much? should i be more upset? do i have to reprimand him and tell him exactly why what he said was wrong?
but wait... *was* what he said wrong?
i mean, he wasnt sayin it to or about me. but he's not black. i forgive him. will he now think that if any other black person ever hears him say it, that all he has to do is apologize and evrything's okay again?
and was he really sorry for saying it, or just that a black person heard him?
when i get to my room i call a friend to tell him what happened.
he says i handled it well. i am still unsure.
he also says that he and his sister predicted this happening with the growing success of Chapelle's show--he tells me that he saw white people becoming too comfortable with the word the more they watch the show.
i dont hate the kid.
i still wonder if i handled it correctly.
anyway
i feel an extra super long entry comin up.
i been meaning and meaning and meaning to update but i havent and now im feelin like, extra full of language, so there'll be a lotta extra ramblin in addition to the stuff i really need to unload about.
so haters exit now.
and u know what, ive come to the conclusion that i prolly say 'hater' entirely too much. like i remember when ppl first started sayin it like 68 years ago i was like, 'that is one word that will definitely NOT enter my vocabulary.'
i was such a hater.
moving on
let's us take care of old bidniss. i tried 80 grillion times to leave sumn in the comment box for the entry before last but this computer, in accordance with the 'Technology Against Girls Named Tracy' national... whatever (<- 'when good wit goes bad,' on the next.. whatever) this computer hates me. so it wldn't let me leave a comment. in my own damn comment box. aint that some shiet?
SO.
nate - to u i was gonna say that he called me like the very next day & i completely blame u
kurris - i was gonna say 'ha ha! that's cause my comment box is hater-proof. hahaha!' ...but now my taunts have come back to bite me in the ass. so nevermind.
ELI! - hi. lol i think that's it.
keesh (and others) - graduation will be on Saturday, May 22nd, b/t 12 & 1:00 in the afternoon, i think.
evryone is officially invited.
it's gonna be so funny man... each graduating student is alotted 6 invitations. absurd, right? *but* the graduation is outside, right behind the big white house (the administration building). so we'll only need the tickets in the event of bad weather, in which case the graduation will have to be moved indoors. so since it's outside, we can technically invite as many ppl as we want. dope, right?
**but**
we won't know til the day OF graduation for certain if it'll be indoors or outdoors. so let's say i go ahead and invite the 67 ppl on my invite list at least a month in advance, so evrybody can clear their calendars. that morning it's rainin cats and critters outside.
the president's gon have a problem the size of 61 proud & angry blk folk to deal with.
but u know what?
that's gon be his fault and his problem cause they can just move the shit to that big ass brand new beautiful ass gym and give us more tickets, man. and i mean yeah, i may be a lil outta line w/ the 67 folk. but ima let president shearer be the one to tell my friends & family, the ones who put me thru & got me thru the 4 yrs of hell ive spent there that they cannot see me graduate.
that's absurd.
but anyway.
u're all invited :o) if u wanna try & make it, just lemme know whenever, & ill see about directions & lodging if need be & all that good stuff.
& keesh, tell arby's he's invited too.
speaking of graduation, ive been thinkin about applyin to give the senior speech at commencement. if i know what im talkin bout, then this student will speak in addition to the valedictorian. 5 minutes on the mic. must have a 3.0 or higher at the time of application, which i do. barely, tho... i think, if im lucky, i have a 3.31 at the highest, 3.1 at the lowest. so i qualify.
that information in addition with the speech will comprise the actual application--there will be an interview process where i'd hafta read my speech to a selection committee, and if they choose to send me forward, i have to read for the deans & the president. the stipulations for speech content are sumthin like, it has to be a reflection of our time at transylvania, the sharing of an experience or fond memory or some other piece of i-love-transy bullshit propaganda. and it has to speak to everyone in attendence. students, their families, deans, professors, evrybody. in otherwords, dont get up that and talk solely about you.
and in other, other words, don't get up there and talk about how fucked up and backwards the school is, either.
and of course that's my motive in wanting to give this speech.
see, im thinkin.
i write a beautiful, ass-kissey speech for the selection committee and deans. they send me forward. they decide to put me on stage. the time to throw down rolls around, i walk up to the mic stand in my cap & gown & bam. i go angela davis on all they asses.
im very tempted to do that, but
im thinkin that they'd either A - cut off my mic, as nate suggested they wld
or B - withhold my diploma on the grounds of my violating some unspoken, little bitty ass fine-print clause somewhere.
so
instead of being blatantly radical, i'll have to be cunningly subversive. and, i was thinkin that at the end i can say sumthin like, 'so we've all learned a lot, and we still have a long way to go, but thanks to transylvania, shit, i dunno we'll get there quicker' or sumthin. but then get on the mic and just be like 'we've all learned a lot, and *transylvania* still has a long way to go.' or sumthin. it has to be small enuff for them not to get mad, but big enuff to form a whole new, critical & accusatory statement concerning the school.
if/when they approach me about it, i can just be like 'oops! i was so nervous i was just ready to get it overwith! teehee! *twirls hair*'
and god forbid this journal entry shld ever surface after the fact.. lol
but anyway. i aint even got the gig yet. i aint even WROTE the thing yet. i been meaning to, but...
but.
im a slacker.
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so. im on spring break. been home since friday. it's been okay. i really wld have rather been somewhere else tho. this place is just like, one big nucleus of aggrivation and helplessness and guilt sometimes. now is definitely one of those times.
my mother told me a couple days ago that i can't come back here after i graduate. my eyes got all big cause i thought she was kickin me out the house or sumthin, but she was like, if u move back into this house u'll go crazy. u won't be happy. and she's so right.
two days ago i got into a squabble with my granny. the story starts about a week ago, actually. my great uncle claude used to smoke marlboro cigarettes. he died of lung cancer a couple yrs ago, and when he passed my mother said she took about 3 packs of marlboro's he'd had layin around. she didn't know why. she was probably hurting and missing him and just wanted something of his. she came home and put them in the drawer of a really pretty table she has in her room and forgot about them.
she got into the drawer for something a week ago and saw that two packs were gone. the remaining pack was empty. my granny did it.
my mother was furious, im guessin not cause my granny is still smoking even after she's said she's quit b/c of her health, but because my mother is 48 yrs old and living with her mother who snoops around in her room, her own personal private space, when she's not around. yall my granny had no right to do that. i side w/ my mother on this one. it sucks that she's the most faithful and sefless of my granny's six kids & therefore the only one willing to stay here w/ her.
if my mama can't move out, which she cant, then she at least needs the privacy of her own room, right? my granny, as much as she is loving and caring, is a rather selfish, inconsiderate bully. but she's old, man. what can u do.
so my mama has taken to locking her door again, which my granny resents. she says it's because there are things in the closet upstairs that she needs, which is true on occassion. more than that, tho, i think she feels slighted that she's not the one in control of something in the house with the door locked like that.
my mommy locks it when she leaves for work.
i know where the key is. i go up sometimes to watch tv when i wanna get away from stuff. moms doesn't mind.
my granny stopped me 2 days ago tho & asked me 'why we leave that door locked for.' i tried to stay rational and explain to her why my mother locks the door. she doesn't trust grams and doesn't want her up there anymore after what happened. she assured me it was just that one time and it won't happen anymore, but it wasn't just that one time. she's ALWAYS up there, and it's definitely gonna happen agin.
she hears this comin from my mouth, rationally, mind u, and gets pissed. starts yellin on me. im like, whatever--i throw up my hands and go into my room. then i just throw on my shoes cause im not gonna stay in this house no more. i dont really have anywhere to go, so i figure ill go to walgreens to look at some athletic braces for my knees.
the trip was over way too soon. so i just start walking down broadway. before i knew it i'd made it to fourth street--a good 3 mile walk--and i wld have kept goin if the sun wasnt setting.
so moms is right. i can't stay here.
----------------------
one more granny story.
a couple days after i'd been here, my cousins earlene and dorothy, who both have pretty bad weight problems, gave my granny some clothes they can no longer fit. ms. holt, the old lady next door is in the hospital and apparently its not lookin good.
so u know that this is just more fuel for her depressing talks, right? she cornered me in my room once while i was reading and just came with it hard. earlene and dorothy got such & such disease and death and pestilence and plague. yall this is ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. and that stuff honestly and truely wears me out. it's too much to bear, man. so that day, i tried my best to tune her out but i cldn't and i want her to stop and be happy so bad that before i know it my eyes are wet and im movin around the room tryin to keep busy.
'well im sorry i interrupted ur reading,' she said. then she left . i felt like shit. i know that she only needs someone to talk to, and i completely understand, what with basically being alone 24/7 on campus w/ no one to talk to. but i can't do it. physically, i cant. i dont wanna leave one miserable space and then have to come home to another, u know?
so the next day it happens again.
this time she's talkin about ms. holt and how bad she's gettin, got ppl thinkin she's finna die.
'but of course we all die some evryday, u know..'
mama, PLEASE!
'what? i mean, it's just a part of life, u know..' she tried to explain. it was too much for me tho. i dont wanna lay in my house on spring break thinkin about how i die a little more with each passing second.
can't we please discuss something happy??
'i cain't even talk to you no more. guess i just won't say nothin.'
then she left.
i cant' remember the last time i felt so shitty.
i went & locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub & cried a little in the 3 minutes before my mama came home.
i want to be there for yall.
but i just can't take that sort of talk, it's too much to bear. literally. i wish i cld explain it better.
what am i posed to do?
---------------------
dallas called me the day after i'd left the house & just started walking. she saw me walkin down broadway while she was on the bus on her way home from work. i'd lost her number & been tryin to catch her on IM.
im so happy to have heard from her, yall.
she really is one of the best friends i've ever had. i wonder what she looks like now. she's always been a pretty big girl, not on no 'mo'nique' status by any means. no hips & stunning cat-shaped eyes. i think she's beautiful. she never has, tho. we bonded in high school surrounded w/ beautiful ppl and popularity. together we just said 'fuck this' and did our own thing as best we could.
we lost contact when i left for school.
she's had some hard times w/ her mother & father, who are now living in california (long story). she got mixed up w/ some messed up folks while she was here, but now she's got her own apartment (22nd and broadway, yo... that will be THEE derby spot this yr.. lol) and she's working and she sounded so mature and happy on the phone.
im proud of her.
we're takin our broke asses shoppin this weekend. jus like old times.
-----------------------
went to the doctor wednesday. specialist. he effectively explained away every pain & all my joints and insists its not RA. his explanations seemed a little too coincidental to me, but whatever. im posed to go to physical therapy in lexington, but i dont have a car. so i buoght the knee braces he reccommended and ill continue to strengthen them as best i can in the gym.
he says if i do right all the aches will go away.
so ima try to straighten up & fly right as best i can.
--------------------
went to see 'the passion of the christ' with my mommy earlier this week.
i wasn't moved.
these are the primary reasons:
1 - they focused too much on the torture, i think, and not about the actual 'passion' of christ (whatever that is). i mean, i dunno. the message of unconditional love and devotion (which i guess is the passion) was there, but it was secondary. but i guess the message within the torture was that no ordinary man could ever withstand that sort of ass kickin. which is true. i dunno.
2 - the story was givin w/o much context. melly mel operated on the premise that the ppl who wld see this movie knew the WHOLE story, which in turn makes it a pretty exclusive, arrogant film for christians only. i mean, i went to sunday school when i was little. i knew who judas was when i seen em. i knew about jesus washin his dude's feet. but not evrybody does. and there was plenny stuff i sorta made the confused face at. i dont think mel made thive movie for us.
3 - im not a religious person. i was raised in the blk baptist church (5th street baptist, baptized at 7 yrs old by the great louisvillian civil rights activist dr. w. j. hodge, who now has a street named after him. the church is now pastored by his son, phillip lindsey hodge and has got more drama than daytime tv). i dont go to church anymore and i dont feel bad about it one bit. my quelms with religion are pretty deep, i guess, and ill discuss them here one day.
church has had a stronghold on me tho. even in my elevated spiritual state, im afraid to entertain the thought that i sorta dont really know if i believe that jesus ever even existed.
but.
ill discuss it later.
------------------------
my daddy came to visit yesterday.
yall, i still resent him for so much and i cant move on because even though he apologized, it was a half-assed apology in my opinion, spurned by his divorce and now lonely-ass situation.
he's tryin to fix things the way i tried to fix things when i was younger. now that ive gotten old enough to despise him, half of me is just like 'this shit is just too little, too late. he shlda been on this plane when i was tehre 10 yrs ago.' i dont want to just forgive and smile all that hurt away because some atonement has to be made. me goin out to dinner with him and being cordial just wont get it.
u know what?
we need to have that talk that i've been afraid of for so long, the one where i tell him exactly how much he fuckin sucks at being a father and detail for him all the broken promises stuck in the back pockets of whatever im wearin all the time and cry and ask him what the fuck was wrong with him and apologize for my downfalls and setbacks too.
that has to happen before we move on.
til then, i keep resenting him and rolling my eyes behind his back.
we sat and talked for about an hour yesterday. i told him things that most of you already know about me, how i hate school, the book that barbara smith sent me, the editorial wars in the school paper. yall he knows nothing about me. nothing at all. my mother always buys me a special surprise gift every christmas. something quirky. one year it was a huge keyboard with a million buttons and sounds. the yr before last it was Ashe Jenkins, my djembe straight from the ivory coast. my mama knows me like that.
he dotes on that djembe, lamenting about how he wishes he knew what i liked so he cld get me something neat like that.
he always gives me money. how impersonal.
but he doesn't know me well enuff to get me a djembe.
but i digress.
he left yesterday and i felt sort of ambivalent. i wasnt excited that id finally seen him after a couple months... actually, i was sort of disappointed that he didn't give me any money. isn't that terrible? (but apparently lita cleaned his ass OUT in that divorce. wooooo lawd!)
anyway. i was sorta glad when he left so i cld get back to doing absolutely nothing. about an hr or so later, my cell phone rings and its him.
'i really enjoyed talkin with u today. just thought i needed to tell u that.'
im such an ass.
but it sorta feels like mista tryin to reconcile with celie ('the color purple' reference of the day).
so i dunno yall.
im interested to see what happens next.
------------------------
gotDAMN.
am i REALLY still typing?
and are u REALLY still reading?
u must love me if u are. this is crazy.
how bout we bring it to a close with more talk of graduation, eh?
this whole week ive been tryin to get on the plan-makin tip for may 23rd, the day afte graduation. i'd like to have somewhere to go by june.
internships are failing me.
been lookin at some grad schools, but application deadlines are quickly passing me by.
looks like it's gonna be either chicago (university of chicago), dc (american university), or
or.
im afraid of giving into love's rumored irrationality. common sense says to be logical and follow my head and go where the academic and career opportunity is. but this pesky ol ticker of mine is pulling me completely in the opposite direction.
i dunno what to do.
kurris says not to give up.
kurris needs a comment box. random thought.
my fingers are tired.
and im hungry.
and ive got more searching to do.
yo yo.. yo yo.. yo yo yo.. yo yo.. yo yo yo (c) greg nice
it's thursday already.
there are only 4 weeks left in this semester, spring break not included.
11 weeks left til graduation, spring break included, may term break, & weekends included.
10 minus spring break.
this
is
wild.
this is the fastest ive ever seen time pass, and if i were anywhere else but here i'd be alarmed. but im tryna get my freedom papers & be out. forget this.
speak of gettin out, i need to get serious about makin some plans. i wanna move. badly. im gonna talk to dallas & see how she feels about packin up & goin w/ me, & if she dont wanna go, im peacin out solo.
either chicago
or philly
or baltimore/dc MAYBE after i see the area
or atlanta, push come to shove
or
or anything bigger & faster than here.
after spring break im gettin on the GRE/grad school route and potential job/internship path. if anybody has any leads they think i shld follow, some folk that might look to hire a militant, pro-blak, bitter brown writer with feminist tendencies, holler.
-------
bought some wine last weekend. i got a lil goofy for like 12 seconds then i just had a headache. im underwhelmed.
teddy paid me another surprise visit that friday & my mommy came to see me sunday.
u know what
im startin to feel bad in how im feelin towards teddy lately. it's not my fault tho. ive just never been the type of person to *need* communication as much as he does. i mean yeah, i need ppl. comunication is important, i recognize & understand that.
but if we aint dangerously in love on some beyonce shit
or at LEAST fuckin (which we ALL know is not happenin in my life on even a lil PIECE of a normal, regular basis)
then i dont have any reason to talk to u on the phone 3 & 4 times a day.
and yall... HE CALLS 3 & 4 TIMES A DAY when im answerin my phone regularly, which i dont cause i dont wanna have to feign interest & excitement 4 different times a day. this is what drove me completely away when he was tryna holla or whatever. smothering is an understatement. wanting to be there & do stuff EVERY DAY when i dont even know u like that and calling upwards of 3 times a day. i mean come on. and even in florida he's just a little too... i dunno.
maybe im puttin too much of it on him.
ive always been quiet & pretty personal w/ mines. ive never had anyone in my life worth calling evryday til recently, & that's something i just caint get used to.
at any rate,
while he was here i slipped up & pointed to the new cordless phone my sweetie sent me. teddy hadn't had my dorm room number b/c the phone i had prior to this one was a piece of trash & i hate talkin on it. as such, he only called after 8 when my cell phone was free. but now
'yay! now u can give me ur number & i can call u on the dorm phone!'
:o/
----------
beyond that we discussed him & candis. long story short, he's been fuckin with her head. let him tell it, candis has been tryin to fuck him for the past 4 yrs, & was only initially interested in him cause he was interested in me. whatever. i dont know nuthin buot all that... teddy stays in constant need of attention and he lies like a rug so i take that with a grain of salt. i do know that candis likes him in some capacity tho & it seems like she tries to hide that from me, like id give two shits either way. but here's where i got beef w/ the whole situation.
teddy's been fuckin w/ her head & her emotions & leading her on for quite some time.
according to him, she's always heavily flirtatious & he plays along with it. he sees nothing wrong with it because it's always her initiating it. i think he sincerely believes that too. yall he KNOWS candis likes him. if he has no interest in her, which he says he doesnt, there's no reason why he shld not let her know what's up & stop stringin her along.
he knows what he's been doin.
i swear i will never understand why some dudes act that way.
and yo do u know he had the nerve to ask me in conversation once if 'now i understand why dudes do girls like that?'
nigga what the fuck?
cause she's naieve & vulnerable cause she's been hurt by dudes in the past, that gives u a pass to treat her like shit now? u think u're teachin her a lesson by actin like all the other assholes in her life?
i tried really hard to articulate all that while we were talkin but i dont think i was too successful. i wanted to tell him in around about way that what he's doin to her aint all that different to what bitch ass jeff--the dude who's ass he wanted to kick when he found out about the ordeal--did to me in high school and he needs to quit. and i i dont wanna hear any more of the lil stories that i admit to humoring in the beginning. if i'da known he was gon draw it out like this, to this extent and for so long, i'da suggestion a cessation from jump.
even tho candis wlda thought i was jealous.
she & i were supposed to go visit him spring break, but after his visits here im already tired of the two of them, so im not goin. teddy was on some 'yeah, so i wanna thank u cause now that u're not goin candis is comin by herself' shit, like it was MY fault he was gon hafta deal w/ her & her advances one on one. i straight told him he brought that on himself & i dont feel sorry for him at all.
he said he called her that night & had a 'talk' with her & now she's not comin.
he wldn't tell me what they talked about & i dont really want to know.
-------
for the past 2 nites in a row, ive had dreams about being either in charge of or a part of some theatric production that failed miserably in front of a half-filled auditorium. if that's supposed to be some forebearer of the fate of any such projects ive ever dreamed of doin in the future, it's pretty scary.
hope it aint no omen.
-------
so spring break starts tomorrow at 10:15 am.
im gonna go home and do lots of reading and try to get this paper written which shld be really good if i freak it right.
wish me luck!
-------
hey, do me a favor.
if u read this on a somewhat regular basis, leave me a lil sumn in the comment box.
i may hafta look into makin this a private blawg *looks around suspiciously* & i gotta know who shld get VIP passes.
