i know that's a problematic claim to make because of course i dont remember what it felt like being born in the first place. but i imagine it took a lot of letting go. a huge release of comfort. maybe an unwilling marching towards tomorrow (whatever that is). i imagine that first scream must have been one of relief and absolute terror and excitement all at the same time. the second scream a shrill little victory cry. the third... who knows. but it happened. and several others after that. some purposeful, others pulled from little lungs too wet still to hold tight to them.
i don't know where im going with this yet.
the relief is waiting in the ranks.
the excitement is there.
god knows there's enuff terror to last me til the nursing home.
what makes this separation from dis/comfort different from the first is the fact that i have more control over what will happen to me in the coming months. a little too much, i sometimes think. if i had no control over my next step, at least i wouldn't have to worry about having to blame myself if i end up in a place i dont wanna be. and im so scared of failing, either myself or someone else.
babies aren't afraid of anything. okay, loud noises. scary faces, sure. dogs & shit. but little keisha from next door used to pick up big huge ass roaches and eat them. well she would have if her mother or older sisters hadn't stopped her. im terrified of bugs because i know better. babies will sit for hours trying to fit a plastic square into a round hole, unashamedly, in the face of a roomful of grinning adults. trying new things has never been my specialty. babies have a sort of indestuctable strength in their innocence.
i think we all know too much.
i blame adam for eatin that damn apple. he seen some titties & lost his mind.
i imagine being born in reverse would be the equivalent of me staying in louisville, either with my mama nem or in my own appartment. ive come very far. my experiences on campus have dissolved a lot of the naivety (sp?) i had left. he helped strip the rest. those now empty spaces are strengthening, but they weaken easily. but the moral is that ive come pretty damn far, from shy, quiet, scared of boys high school tracy to almost grown ass, confrontational when needed ass, hard lovin, desirable pussy havin trace.
if i stay here, ill regress.
gotta press on. i dont think that'll be the hard part, tho. moving on.
it's deciding which way to move that terrifies me.
mos def has a beautiful voice. i love listening to him sing.
i wonder if he thought his fans wld abandon him when he decided to pay as much attn to harmonizin as to rhymin?
i worry about losing my #1 fan all the time.
and this is a very uncomfortable space to exist in, teetering over the edge, unsure if ur parachute's gon open, but excited to be there seeing all that u're seeing and feeling what u're feeling.
im babbling cause kurris makes me wanna write.
i rarely know what she be talkin bout in her blawg, but i like readin.
i thought writin a lil bit wld bring me a lil closer to solace.
