anyway
i feel an extra super long entry comin up.
i been meaning and meaning and meaning to update but i havent and now im feelin like, extra full of language, so there'll be a lotta extra ramblin in addition to the stuff i really need to unload about.
so haters exit now.
and u know what, ive come to the conclusion that i prolly say 'hater' entirely too much. like i remember when ppl first started sayin it like 68 years ago i was like, 'that is one word that will definitely NOT enter my vocabulary.'
i was such a hater.
moving on
let's us take care of old bidniss. i tried 80 grillion times to leave sumn in the comment box for the entry before last but this computer, in accordance with the 'Technology Against Girls Named Tracy' national... whatever (<- 'when good wit goes bad,' on the next.. whatever) this computer hates me. so it wldn't let me leave a comment. in my own damn comment box. aint that some shiet?
SO.
nate - to u i was gonna say that he called me like the very next day & i completely blame u
kurris - i was gonna say 'ha ha! that's cause my comment box is hater-proof. hahaha!' ...but now my taunts have come back to bite me in the ass. so nevermind.
ELI! - hi. lol i think that's it.
keesh (and others) - graduation will be on Saturday, May 22nd, b/t 12 & 1:00 in the afternoon, i think.
evryone is officially invited.
it's gonna be so funny man... each graduating student is alotted 6 invitations. absurd, right? *but* the graduation is outside, right behind the big white house (the administration building). so we'll only need the tickets in the event of bad weather, in which case the graduation will have to be moved indoors. so since it's outside, we can technically invite as many ppl as we want. dope, right?
**but**
we won't know til the day OF graduation for certain if it'll be indoors or outdoors. so let's say i go ahead and invite the 67 ppl on my invite list at least a month in advance, so evrybody can clear their calendars. that morning it's rainin cats and critters outside.
the president's gon have a problem the size of 61 proud & angry blk folk to deal with.
but u know what?
that's gon be his fault and his problem cause they can just move the shit to that big ass brand new beautiful ass gym and give us more tickets, man. and i mean yeah, i may be a lil outta line w/ the 67 folk. but ima let president shearer be the one to tell my friends & family, the ones who put me thru & got me thru the 4 yrs of hell ive spent there that they cannot see me graduate.
that's absurd.
but anyway.
u're all invited :o) if u wanna try & make it, just lemme know whenever, & ill see about directions & lodging if need be & all that good stuff.
& keesh, tell arby's he's invited too.
speaking of graduation, ive been thinkin about applyin to give the senior speech at commencement. if i know what im talkin bout, then this student will speak in addition to the valedictorian. 5 minutes on the mic. must have a 3.0 or higher at the time of application, which i do. barely, tho... i think, if im lucky, i have a 3.31 at the highest, 3.1 at the lowest. so i qualify.
that information in addition with the speech will comprise the actual application--there will be an interview process where i'd hafta read my speech to a selection committee, and if they choose to send me forward, i have to read for the deans & the president. the stipulations for speech content are sumthin like, it has to be a reflection of our time at transylvania, the sharing of an experience or fond memory or some other piece of i-love-transy bullshit propaganda. and it has to speak to everyone in attendence. students, their families, deans, professors, evrybody. in otherwords, dont get up that and talk solely about you.
and in other, other words, don't get up there and talk about how fucked up and backwards the school is, either.
and of course that's my motive in wanting to give this speech.
see, im thinkin.
i write a beautiful, ass-kissey speech for the selection committee and deans. they send me forward. they decide to put me on stage. the time to throw down rolls around, i walk up to the mic stand in my cap & gown & bam. i go angela davis on all they asses.
im very tempted to do that, but
im thinkin that they'd either A - cut off my mic, as nate suggested they wld
or B - withhold my diploma on the grounds of my violating some unspoken, little bitty ass fine-print clause somewhere.
so
instead of being blatantly radical, i'll have to be cunningly subversive. and, i was thinkin that at the end i can say sumthin like, 'so we've all learned a lot, and we still have a long way to go, but thanks to transylvania, shit, i dunno we'll get there quicker' or sumthin. but then get on the mic and just be like 'we've all learned a lot, and *transylvania* still has a long way to go.' or sumthin. it has to be small enuff for them not to get mad, but big enuff to form a whole new, critical & accusatory statement concerning the school.
if/when they approach me about it, i can just be like 'oops! i was so nervous i was just ready to get it overwith! teehee! *twirls hair*'
and god forbid this journal entry shld ever surface after the fact.. lol
but anyway. i aint even got the gig yet. i aint even WROTE the thing yet. i been meaning to, but...
but.
im a slacker.
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so. im on spring break. been home since friday. it's been okay. i really wld have rather been somewhere else tho. this place is just like, one big nucleus of aggrivation and helplessness and guilt sometimes. now is definitely one of those times.
my mother told me a couple days ago that i can't come back here after i graduate. my eyes got all big cause i thought she was kickin me out the house or sumthin, but she was like, if u move back into this house u'll go crazy. u won't be happy. and she's so right.
two days ago i got into a squabble with my granny. the story starts about a week ago, actually. my great uncle claude used to smoke marlboro cigarettes. he died of lung cancer a couple yrs ago, and when he passed my mother said she took about 3 packs of marlboro's he'd had layin around. she didn't know why. she was probably hurting and missing him and just wanted something of his. she came home and put them in the drawer of a really pretty table she has in her room and forgot about them.
she got into the drawer for something a week ago and saw that two packs were gone. the remaining pack was empty. my granny did it.
my mother was furious, im guessin not cause my granny is still smoking even after she's said she's quit b/c of her health, but because my mother is 48 yrs old and living with her mother who snoops around in her room, her own personal private space, when she's not around. yall my granny had no right to do that. i side w/ my mother on this one. it sucks that she's the most faithful and sefless of my granny's six kids & therefore the only one willing to stay here w/ her.
if my mama can't move out, which she cant, then she at least needs the privacy of her own room, right? my granny, as much as she is loving and caring, is a rather selfish, inconsiderate bully. but she's old, man. what can u do.
so my mama has taken to locking her door again, which my granny resents. she says it's because there are things in the closet upstairs that she needs, which is true on occassion. more than that, tho, i think she feels slighted that she's not the one in control of something in the house with the door locked like that.
my mommy locks it when she leaves for work.
i know where the key is. i go up sometimes to watch tv when i wanna get away from stuff. moms doesn't mind.
my granny stopped me 2 days ago tho & asked me 'why we leave that door locked for.' i tried to stay rational and explain to her why my mother locks the door. she doesn't trust grams and doesn't want her up there anymore after what happened. she assured me it was just that one time and it won't happen anymore, but it wasn't just that one time. she's ALWAYS up there, and it's definitely gonna happen agin.
she hears this comin from my mouth, rationally, mind u, and gets pissed. starts yellin on me. im like, whatever--i throw up my hands and go into my room. then i just throw on my shoes cause im not gonna stay in this house no more. i dont really have anywhere to go, so i figure ill go to walgreens to look at some athletic braces for my knees.
the trip was over way too soon. so i just start walking down broadway. before i knew it i'd made it to fourth street--a good 3 mile walk--and i wld have kept goin if the sun wasnt setting.
so moms is right. i can't stay here.
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one more granny story.
a couple days after i'd been here, my cousins earlene and dorothy, who both have pretty bad weight problems, gave my granny some clothes they can no longer fit. ms. holt, the old lady next door is in the hospital and apparently its not lookin good.
so u know that this is just more fuel for her depressing talks, right? she cornered me in my room once while i was reading and just came with it hard. earlene and dorothy got such & such disease and death and pestilence and plague. yall this is ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. and that stuff honestly and truely wears me out. it's too much to bear, man. so that day, i tried my best to tune her out but i cldn't and i want her to stop and be happy so bad that before i know it my eyes are wet and im movin around the room tryin to keep busy.
'well im sorry i interrupted ur reading,' she said. then she left . i felt like shit. i know that she only needs someone to talk to, and i completely understand, what with basically being alone 24/7 on campus w/ no one to talk to. but i can't do it. physically, i cant. i dont wanna leave one miserable space and then have to come home to another, u know?
so the next day it happens again.
this time she's talkin about ms. holt and how bad she's gettin, got ppl thinkin she's finna die.
'but of course we all die some evryday, u know..'
mama, PLEASE!
'what? i mean, it's just a part of life, u know..' she tried to explain. it was too much for me tho. i dont wanna lay in my house on spring break thinkin about how i die a little more with each passing second.
can't we please discuss something happy??
'i cain't even talk to you no more. guess i just won't say nothin.'
then she left.
i cant' remember the last time i felt so shitty.
i went & locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub & cried a little in the 3 minutes before my mama came home.
i want to be there for yall.
but i just can't take that sort of talk, it's too much to bear. literally. i wish i cld explain it better.
what am i posed to do?
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dallas called me the day after i'd left the house & just started walking. she saw me walkin down broadway while she was on the bus on her way home from work. i'd lost her number & been tryin to catch her on IM.
im so happy to have heard from her, yall.
she really is one of the best friends i've ever had. i wonder what she looks like now. she's always been a pretty big girl, not on no 'mo'nique' status by any means. no hips & stunning cat-shaped eyes. i think she's beautiful. she never has, tho. we bonded in high school surrounded w/ beautiful ppl and popularity. together we just said 'fuck this' and did our own thing as best we could.
we lost contact when i left for school.
she's had some hard times w/ her mother & father, who are now living in california (long story). she got mixed up w/ some messed up folks while she was here, but now she's got her own apartment (22nd and broadway, yo... that will be THEE derby spot this yr.. lol) and she's working and she sounded so mature and happy on the phone.
im proud of her.
we're takin our broke asses shoppin this weekend. jus like old times.
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went to the doctor wednesday. specialist. he effectively explained away every pain & all my joints and insists its not RA. his explanations seemed a little too coincidental to me, but whatever. im posed to go to physical therapy in lexington, but i dont have a car. so i buoght the knee braces he reccommended and ill continue to strengthen them as best i can in the gym.
he says if i do right all the aches will go away.
so ima try to straighten up & fly right as best i can.
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went to see 'the passion of the christ' with my mommy earlier this week.
i wasn't moved.
these are the primary reasons:
1 - they focused too much on the torture, i think, and not about the actual 'passion' of christ (whatever that is). i mean, i dunno. the message of unconditional love and devotion (which i guess is the passion) was there, but it was secondary. but i guess the message within the torture was that no ordinary man could ever withstand that sort of ass kickin. which is true. i dunno.
2 - the story was givin w/o much context. melly mel operated on the premise that the ppl who wld see this movie knew the WHOLE story, which in turn makes it a pretty exclusive, arrogant film for christians only. i mean, i went to sunday school when i was little. i knew who judas was when i seen em. i knew about jesus washin his dude's feet. but not evrybody does. and there was plenny stuff i sorta made the confused face at. i dont think mel made thive movie for us.
3 - im not a religious person. i was raised in the blk baptist church (5th street baptist, baptized at 7 yrs old by the great louisvillian civil rights activist dr. w. j. hodge, who now has a street named after him. the church is now pastored by his son, phillip lindsey hodge and has got more drama than daytime tv). i dont go to church anymore and i dont feel bad about it one bit. my quelms with religion are pretty deep, i guess, and ill discuss them here one day.
church has had a stronghold on me tho. even in my elevated spiritual state, im afraid to entertain the thought that i sorta dont really know if i believe that jesus ever even existed.
but.
ill discuss it later.
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my daddy came to visit yesterday.
yall, i still resent him for so much and i cant move on because even though he apologized, it was a half-assed apology in my opinion, spurned by his divorce and now lonely-ass situation.
he's tryin to fix things the way i tried to fix things when i was younger. now that ive gotten old enough to despise him, half of me is just like 'this shit is just too little, too late. he shlda been on this plane when i was tehre 10 yrs ago.' i dont want to just forgive and smile all that hurt away because some atonement has to be made. me goin out to dinner with him and being cordial just wont get it.
u know what?
we need to have that talk that i've been afraid of for so long, the one where i tell him exactly how much he fuckin sucks at being a father and detail for him all the broken promises stuck in the back pockets of whatever im wearin all the time and cry and ask him what the fuck was wrong with him and apologize for my downfalls and setbacks too.
that has to happen before we move on.
til then, i keep resenting him and rolling my eyes behind his back.
we sat and talked for about an hour yesterday. i told him things that most of you already know about me, how i hate school, the book that barbara smith sent me, the editorial wars in the school paper. yall he knows nothing about me. nothing at all. my mother always buys me a special surprise gift every christmas. something quirky. one year it was a huge keyboard with a million buttons and sounds. the yr before last it was Ashe Jenkins, my djembe straight from the ivory coast. my mama knows me like that.
he dotes on that djembe, lamenting about how he wishes he knew what i liked so he cld get me something neat like that.
he always gives me money. how impersonal.
but he doesn't know me well enuff to get me a djembe.
but i digress.
he left yesterday and i felt sort of ambivalent. i wasnt excited that id finally seen him after a couple months... actually, i was sort of disappointed that he didn't give me any money. isn't that terrible? (but apparently lita cleaned his ass OUT in that divorce. wooooo lawd!)
anyway. i was sorta glad when he left so i cld get back to doing absolutely nothing. about an hr or so later, my cell phone rings and its him.
'i really enjoyed talkin with u today. just thought i needed to tell u that.'
im such an ass.
but it sorta feels like mista tryin to reconcile with celie ('the color purple' reference of the day).
so i dunno yall.
im interested to see what happens next.
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gotDAMN.
am i REALLY still typing?
and are u REALLY still reading?
u must love me if u are. this is crazy.
how bout we bring it to a close with more talk of graduation, eh?
this whole week ive been tryin to get on the plan-makin tip for may 23rd, the day afte graduation. i'd like to have somewhere to go by june.
internships are failing me.
been lookin at some grad schools, but application deadlines are quickly passing me by.
looks like it's gonna be either chicago (university of chicago), dc (american university), or
or.
im afraid of giving into love's rumored irrationality. common sense says to be logical and follow my head and go where the academic and career opportunity is. but this pesky ol ticker of mine is pulling me completely in the opposite direction.
i dunno what to do.
kurris says not to give up.
kurris needs a comment box. random thought.
my fingers are tired.
and im hungry.
and ive got more searching to do.
