last night i dreamt of graduation. all the graduating seniors and their families were in the campus center gym the night before graduation & i was on stage, reading my speech. this was the final try-out before i'd find out it i'd get to read at graduation or not. i was on stage and everyone was watching and listening. i did horribly. hor.rib.ly.
im not looking forward to graduation as much as i have been.
i want him there with me so bad man. im very ashamed of and disappointed in myself. im too tired of thinkin about it to go into details. its been on my mind all day. for the past three days, really; i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place, only thing is i cld free myself of the rock if i'd just push hard enuff, but im too big a punk to push.
all this is makin me realize how much growin i still have to do.
its also remindin me of how close im comin to the crossroads. i have to find somethin to do with myself. i have to, and soon.
schoolin in atlanta.
internin in philly.
schoolin in chicago.
workin in louisville.
i dont wanna do any of those 100%. i dont know where to move to, but i dont wanna get stuck in louisville. i wanna leave now, while i have the nerve. but i dont know where to go. but i have to go. but where?
i dont wanna think about it right now. but that's my problem. not thinkin about it. i stop thinking about things when they start stressin me.
they've been stressin me all day.
when i feel bad internally, i feel ugly externally. that contributed to my already anti-social, reclusive mood and i stayed inside, in my room, all day today. it was 70 degrees out. sunny. and i didn't go enjoy any of it. days like this sometimes just remind me of how freakin lonely this place is.
i really gotta bounce up outta here, man.
sometimes i just wanna leave, in the middle of the night with all the shit i can fit into two medium-sized bags and go. start all over again, clean slate. new place, new people. completely new. clean slate.
i was worryin about where ill be in 6 months today, stressin over everything, when i came close to tear. but then, sumthin in me snapped and i started cleaning. cleaning and drinking obscene amounts of water. i guess subconsciously i am tryna clean that slate, to flush my system and start over with a healthier mind state.
*sigh*
i just dont know.
i dont even know what it is that i dont know anymore.
