the teddy thing is at least temporarily resolved. wanna go into detail, but im hesitant. big ups to keesh & jacky neal for bein my council (counsel? council. ..?) thru the whole thing.
my mama nem's on they way.
the next time yall read any words from me here
ill have a new insult for yo mama
and a bachelor of arts degree in english to go along with it.
teddy called today and for some reason i knew what he was gonna say like, 2 seconds into our conversation. he began talkin about how he was lookin thru some old hip hop magazines & came across the poem i wrote for him for valentime's day last yr. i remember the poem. i was supposed to write it for him the yr before, but i cldn't cause i mean, i didnt wanna write a valentime's poem for someone who had a crush on me that i wasnt feelin the same way. so last yr's poem was on some friendship shit. he liked it & i was glad cause he really is like a brother to me. so he begins talkin bout he found the poem.
then he babbled and jabbered on like a monkey in a tree for what seemed like forever about shit that didn't make any sense to me--god and clouds and heaven and highschool and middle school and his neighborhood and being hurt so many times. it was all so jumbled; i cldn't see what one tenant of his conversation had to do with any of the others. musta been nerves.
so im ramblin now. but basically he tells me that he still has feelings for me, some very strong ones, apparently, and that it's been eating at him for the past 2 yrs, and that all the times he's purposefully gotten under my skin it's because he was angry at me for not feelin him the same way back then, and now he's all jealous of the man in my life even tho he respects him cause if i think highly enough of him to pay him any mind he must be a good guy, and how he's come so close to tellin me alla this before but chickened out...
yall
wtf?
and he spoke all this with such sadness. if my passion for my darlin wasnt so strong, it wld have made me feel guilty for lovin another man.
but yo..
this is too crazy. this stuff happens in movies. ppl fall in love w/ their best friends in movies all the time. my life damn sho aint no movie. talk about a glitch in the matrix.
i apologized to him too, cause i mean i do feel bad about hurting him or whatever, tho it wasnt intentional at all; i explained to him that my bad experience w/ ol dude back in high school was to blame not only for my withdrawing from him, but from a lotta other good dudes, our friend sean included. the way he's always callin me and tellin me bout this new chick and that new chick, i'd figured he was well over evrything. plus i mean, this was 2 yrs ago, u know?
i didnt get the sense that this was just a little infatuation. dude was usin phrases like "this is why i need u in my life" and "i miss u so much" and "i'm so lonely." yo. man
dude.
this is fuckin w/ my head right now.
and he was plannin on comin to visit me & my sweetie while we're in GA since it's not too far from him--this was awhile before the phone call today. so today i asked him, so, are u still tryna come & see us in GA? and he was like 'well, i wanna come see you..'
im like well, i dunno how feasible that's gonna be, me being w/o him when we're goin down there to be together, u know? like ima just be like 'okay, teddy's here & we're goin out but u can't go.' yeah right.
i have the feeling i wasnt direct enough w/ him. i mean i didnt wanna say flat out 'im in love with somebody else.' justyn says i should have, and he's right. but that's not an easy thing to do. our conversation ended sorta open-endedly & that makes me nervous. so im gonna sit and try to formulate some words tonight & let him know that im caught up & not to be expecting anything to happen.
and too, i wanna thank him for stickin around cause he's a great person to know, and most male friends ive had just bounce when i dont wanna take anything any further. for a lil girl w/ no daddy, that meant a lot, u know? havin a guy friend who didn't want or need anything else.
but what are things gonna be like from now on?
he's gon be here this weekend for graduation.
i reckon ima try my best to proceed as usual, but
so okay
how bout durin the award ceremony, a certain somebody got onot one, but 2 awards?
the holleian award was the one i knew i was gettin. that one came w/ a check for $50
but THEN i also got sumthin i wasnt expecting
cause i figured that if i was gonna get it, they'da let me know ahead of time or something, but no one did. i applied for the Ann Braden prize in women's studies (u shld read up on ann braden, by the way... amazing woman) awhile ago & never heard anything else about it. so im sittin there with candis and my mama and dave and my daddy & granny were sittin elsewhere, and dr. kim miller gets up to present the award and she calls my name and im like "huh?"
dude.
one hunnit bucks!
that's gonna come in sooo handy
i havent put either check in the mail cause i dont wanna spend it.
and then ive got another hundred that ive been savin
and then ive got $47.50 in change that ive had layin around for awhile
and THEN im gettin back my room deposit soon which will be like $125
this is great.
plus there's still graduation gifts to get (hopefully)!
today was my very very last undergraduate class. ill be packing the rest of the week. today there was a sr challange banquet honoring seniors who donated money to the school (i didnt give them bastards shit. i just wanted the free food so i went cause im gangsta like that). friday is the senior/parent reception. and saturday is graduation. then i'll be headed home for the yr.
it didn't really hit me until last night. all the undergrads hadda move off campus today except the ones who will be stayin on campus for the summer and the seniors. LaNetta left today, but her roommate Malynta will be here all summer. so candis and i decide it'd be good to kick it with them last night, cause really there's a good chance we won't see lanetta anymore.
so candis calls the girls yesterday and tells them to dress in all black and bring sunglasses because we're takin them somewhere and we can't tell them where. lanetta knew she was jokin. poor malynta took her seriously and was clad in black from head to toe, right down to the purse she carried, when we saw her.
bless her heart. that's all i cld say. bless her lil ol heart.
we went to priscilla's, a "sex-positive" store (aka - non-seedy freak store) here in lexington. i think it may have been the first time netta & malynta had ever been in a freak store. it was funny watching their reactions to stuff. me, bein a freak store connosieur, i wasn't phased. and the cashier lady gave me a free sample of motion lotion.
pina colada.
*wink*
so yeah, that was fun.
i spent the day w/ candis, more or less. we met up at the banquet thing, then went to sit on the sign, then i went to her house to do my laundry while we watched tv. ive noticed lately that she & i have grown a lot closer, and im happy about that. ooh! i got a sign story!
okay, so we're sittin out there, and some guy drives past and says sumthin. "you're back!" or somethin to that effect. then he leaves, circles the block, and comes back, and this time, he's got a piece of paper & a pencil.
"hey, can i get yall's 9 digits so i can take yall out or party or SUMTHIN?!"
me: um... we won't be here long! we're graduating saturday!
"well let me get yall a graduation gift then! come on, lemme get them 9 digits!"
me: *shrugs shoulders for lack of anything else to do*
"well at least gimmie yall's names so i can get yall's gifts to yall!"
so candis goes and writes our names down for him. before all that happened, we'd already decided that we were gonna make a sign that says "WE'RE GRADUATING TOMORROW!" and sit out there for awhile on friday.
a baby asked me bout my status. he's so cute. but so young. i felt like Blanche from 'a streetcar named desire' for a minute. we just finished reading, watching, and talking about that in class today.
i really like this class, man. i went to the library today to the cellar where they sell all their used books and picked up two by faulkner and one by harper lee whatchacallit. imagine, me readin books by white men. and bein excited about it. never thought i'd see the day. but i am.
my mama AND father will be there for the awards ceremony tomorrow. im interested to see how that will play out. im more interested in seein how much this cash prize will be for, tho.
karas, ive been meanin to fix ur unsigned yearbook problem. ill do that @ my earliest convenience.
i dont have anything else to add. im gonna close with the email that my good country friend kenny sent to president shearer today, presumably on my behalf. he wants me to call him tomorrow so that we can talk about it.
nite, yall :o)
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Received: 05/12/04 11:04 pm
Subject: Concerned Senior
Attachments:
President Shearer,
I realize that sending you an email is probably not the best way to approach this, but I know that we are all very busy at this time of year and I thought that this medium would be the best.
I am writing to you because I am concerned about the process that was used to choose the speaker for our graduation. Even though I am a member of the Senior Celebration Committee, I only found out today who would be speaking next Saturday. When I heard who this person was, I was at first a little surprised, and I am still trying to figure out why this person was chosen. I do not know Catherine Ford all that well, and I am sure that she will do a fabulous job, but if I recall correctly, out of the three speeches that the Senior Celebration Committee chose to send to the administration for review, those of Tracy Clayton and Cassandra Barnes were favored over hers. Having spoken to other committee members and other fellow classmates, I have found that the consensus is a feeling a discouragement and disappointment. We feel that since this graduation is for us seniors, it should only be appropriate that our voice be heard more so than that of the administration. At this point, I do not feel like that is what has happened, considering that the person that the Senior Celebration Committee selected as the best person to address the class was not chosen. While I realize that at this point it is too late to reverse this decision and select who I feel would be a more deserving candidate, I would hope that in the future priority would be given to the seniors and not the administration when it comes to selecting the speaker for graduation.
I appreciate your time and consideration on this matter and am available if you would like to meet and discuss my concerns.
Thank you,
Kenny B
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i love kenny.
ps - the skinny white girl who's givin the speech graduation day is a horrid dancer. we shlda had a dance off to see who gets to give it. i'da chickenheaded her into oblivion, b'lee dat.
im feelin generally good here lately. high spirits are sexy.
i spent the day napping on and off for about 2 hrs, and then my computer started makin a funny noise & got me outta bed. there's some weatherbug thing on my computer... i think i downloaded it w/ aim after i got my computer back... it was alerting me of the huge big fat monster rainstorm comin up. it was due at 6:15. it's now 6:18.
it's late.
must be a black storm. *rimshot*
no, but seriously folks
i wld like a nice storm or 2.
im mad @ my camera for not workin. i got derby pictures and stories to share with the world! i at least have another roll to be developed & then i can scan them.. but my digital camera is a piece o trash.
i just woke up
that's why my thoughts are so jumbled right now
some cat from okp approched me about writing for a magazine he & his wife are settin up a/b blk southern life. i told em id help out. what the hell. im posed to be findin other writers, tho, seein as how other than he and his wife, i'm the only person they got helpin out.
i dont know this man from adam.
they bet not steal my shit.
i picked up my cap & gown today.
i think im gonna shower and wear them for the rest of the night. just because.
i clda went to africa (supposedly) w/ teddy (supposedly) in mid june, but im not b/c of schedulin conflict. and i dont even feel bad about it. just means ima hafta work extra hard & be famous so i can go on my own one day.
and i will :o)
im runnin outta stuff to say, so i'll end w/ this email i just got:
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05/10/04 11:23 am
Subject: Holleian Award
Attachments:
Dear Tracy,
Congratulations – you’ve been selected to receive the Holleian Society award for contribution to the academic life of the campus. There were a lot of nominations, but your contributions really impressed the whole committee, and we are very pleased to offer you this award. Please let me know if you will be coming to the awards night this Thursday to pick up a certificate and a small cash prize –
Thanks,
Dr. Christopher Begley
Assistant Professor of Anthropology
Transylvania University
-------------------------
i have no idea what i did, but im all about a cash prize, large or small.
in closing,
this will never ever cease to be funny. catamoochie!
ive got lots to talk about. ill try and keep it short tho.
birfday.
last thursday, april 29th. 22 yrs old. my mama called me that morning and sang happy birfday to me & had everyone who walked into the office for the duration of the phone call wish me a happy birfday as well. my daddy also called, as he always does, and said he put some money into my acct as a present.
me, candis, lanetta and malynta went shopping. i bought stuff i didn't need. then we met up with lamarco at applebee's. candis bought me sunflowers and paid for my dinner. it was nice... we had fun. i got pictures, but i cant upload them onto my computer cause my computer's a hater.
------------------------
class.
im takin literature of the american south this may term, and though the class itself is pretty boring most times, the material is often fascinating. what i like best is a documentary the professor's showin us called 'tell about the south: voices in black and white.' it's amazing. beautifully so. it's basically a chronicle of the history of southern literature, peppered with some life stories of some famous folk and dramatic readings of the works of others. it's situated in 3 parts, and the first began w/ the 18th century. also in that episode was a summary of an article written by a guy named Mencken called "The Saharah of the Bozart." he basically shitted on the south all the way thru, sayin overall that the ppl here are too dumb & uncultured to ever appreciate the arts or produce a poet.
this film series helped me to finally decide what to do with the rest of myself. im gonna write. officially. i have officially declared that im gonna be a writer. a southern one, at that.
im excited. and i want a copy of that documentary.
---------------------------
the speech.
i didn't get picked to read it @ graduation. i was crushed and thought about emailing the deans and that other lady and basically telling them about themselves. i wasn't surprised at not gettin picked; i think part of me wanted them to reconsider b/c it wld make transy look good. but fuck them and fuck makin this school look good; all they did was prove the pts i made in my speech.
as soon as i found out i didn't get it, i sent a copy of my speech and had them print it. i wanted to make sure it got out there somehow.
-----------------
derby.
ill speak on that later.
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columbia.
this is where im thinkin about goin to school. it's in chicago. i wanna apply to their fiction dept, but the deadline for that has long since passed and plus they require a 30 pg writing sample. 30 pgs of fiction. i dont have ANY fiction. i dont know how to write it. im tryna learn how to write it, which is why i wanna get in. so, not havin the samples, i was gonna apply to their poetry dept. they require 20 pgs of poetry. the deadline is the 14th. i was gonna do that, but i mean, if i apply this late in the game, housing isn't guaranteed, and i get no scholarships or nuthin.
so im officially takin the yr off from school. gonna go to louisville and find me a gig, maybe with Americorps. and most importantly, im gonna write. im gonna read and im gonna write the whole yr.
im excited.
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graduation.
may 22nd. it's almost here.
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i edited this section b/c im still a secretive lil sumn when ya get right down to it, so never u mind.
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