teddy called today and for some reason i knew what he was gonna say like, 2 seconds into our conversation. he began talkin about how he was lookin thru some old hip hop magazines & came across the poem i wrote for him for valentime's day last yr. i remember the poem. i was supposed to write it for him the yr before, but i cldn't cause i mean, i didnt wanna write a valentime's poem for someone who had a crush on me that i wasnt feelin the same way. so last yr's poem was on some friendship shit. he liked it & i was glad cause he really is like a brother to me. so he begins talkin bout he found the poem.
then he babbled and jabbered on like a monkey in a tree for what seemed like forever about shit that didn't make any sense to me--god and clouds and heaven and highschool and middle school and his neighborhood and being hurt so many times. it was all so jumbled; i cldn't see what one tenant of his conversation had to do with any of the others. musta been nerves.
so im ramblin now. but basically he tells me that he still has feelings for me, some very strong ones, apparently, and that it's been eating at him for the past 2 yrs, and that all the times he's purposefully gotten under my skin it's because he was angry at me for not feelin him the same way back then, and now he's all jealous of the man in my life even tho he respects him cause if i think highly enough of him to pay him any mind he must be a good guy, and how he's come so close to tellin me alla this before but chickened out...
yall
wtf?
and he spoke all this with such sadness. if my passion for my darlin wasnt so strong, it wld have made me feel guilty for lovin another man.
but yo..
this is too crazy. this stuff happens in movies. ppl fall in love w/ their best friends in movies all the time. my life damn sho aint no movie. talk about a glitch in the matrix.
i apologized to him too, cause i mean i do feel bad about hurting him or whatever, tho it wasnt intentional at all; i explained to him that my bad experience w/ ol dude back in high school was to blame not only for my withdrawing from him, but from a lotta other good dudes, our friend sean included. the way he's always callin me and tellin me bout this new chick and that new chick, i'd figured he was well over evrything. plus i mean, this was 2 yrs ago, u know?
i didnt get the sense that this was just a little infatuation. dude was usin phrases like "this is why i need u in my life" and "i miss u so much" and "i'm so lonely." yo. man
dude.
this is fuckin w/ my head right now.
and he was plannin on comin to visit me & my sweetie while we're in GA since it's not too far from him--this was awhile before the phone call today. so today i asked him, so, are u still tryna come & see us in GA? and he was like 'well, i wanna come see you..'
im like well, i dunno how feasible that's gonna be, me being w/o him when we're goin down there to be together, u know? like ima just be like 'okay, teddy's here & we're goin out but u can't go.' yeah right.
i have the feeling i wasnt direct enough w/ him. i mean i didnt wanna say flat out 'im in love with somebody else.' justyn says i should have, and he's right. but that's not an easy thing to do. our conversation ended sorta open-endedly & that makes me nervous. so im gonna sit and try to formulate some words tonight & let him know that im caught up & not to be expecting anything to happen.
and too, i wanna thank him for stickin around cause he's a great person to know, and most male friends ive had just bounce when i dont wanna take anything any further. for a lil girl w/ no daddy, that meant a lot, u know? havin a guy friend who didn't want or need anything else.
but what are things gonna be like from now on?
he's gon be here this weekend for graduation.
i reckon ima try my best to proceed as usual, but
