im supposed to be workin on my resume but i cant focus on anything. my mind wont sit still.
things are okay at home, i guess, considering the usual depressed granny and restless 22-yr old and frustrated mother. the girls arent here anymore. their stepsister is in town now and their parents figured 3 girls wld be a bit much for grams to have at least half a hand in dealin with, so they stay at home by themselves during the day. 11, 10, and 9. definitely too young. i call and check up on them and ride past the house occasionally to make sure the house is still standing.
speakin of riding, i took my bike out for a spin for the first time in a very long while yesterday. it wore me out, but it felt good. i feel like im gettin fat & more outta shape since by the minute so hopefully ill be doin it more often.
i have felt too attractive since i hadda leave atlanta. matter fact i dont think ive been happy since ive been back home. fuck that, i KNOW i haven't been happy and it doesnt feel that i will be happy til i leave here. or maybe it's just that i have it in my mind that i cant be happy here. whatever the case, ive been miserable lately. the job search is going horribly and i miss my baby more than ive ever missed anything in my life.
*sigh*
it gets harder and harder to separate what i know i need to do from what i want to do. the lines are blurring and im afraid that im slowly abandoning logic and the scary thing is that part of me doesnt care anymore. what good is logic? all it does is keep you from bein spontaneous and doin shit that cld be good for u in the long run and from loving wild and hard and with reckless abandon. fuck logic. who needs it.
evrybody needs it.
otherwise we'd drown in life and in ourselves and choke on all the mistakes we've made b/c we were too good or too cute or too in love for logic.
im not even makin sense to myself anymore.
i question myself a lot. i be like, well the writing thing's not happenin lately... maybe that aint what im destined for. maybe i shld just forget about writing seriously and do it on the side when i can and go to school for somethin legit. but if not writing/english, what else can i do? what else am i fairly good & smart at? nuthin. women's studies. what kinda job ima get w/ a women's studies degree? teachin. i want more than teachin.
but i still dont know exactly what it is i want.
i want him, i know that for sure.
but the whole entire motherfuckin world seems to be standin in the way. that and myself.
and logic.
fuckin logic.
i want outta here, yo.
right now, i want out.
he told me awhile ago that my fear is gonna be the one thing that holds me back. of all the supertrue things he's ever said to me, that may be the realest. and im tryna deal with it, with evrything, but i feel so weak sometimes. like god, how am i ever gonna wade thru all this? i only got 2 arms and they're tiring, quickly.
gaaarrrrgh.
oh, and i found dallas finally.
i left a note at her house and she called me 2 days ago.
she just moved into a new house.
and her boyfriend's movin in with her.
right after he gets off house arrest.
the world is going insane.
ive lost whatever train of thought i might have had when i started this shit.
but man
for serious.
im gettin my shit together.
ive said that like a grillion and 5 times but i fuckin mean it this time. this shit cant continue.
im gettin me a job and some money and then im makin legitimate plans outta here. im goin back to school for... somethin. im gettin me a masters and then im gettin an even better better job and then im goin BACK to school and gettin a ph.d. and then im doin somethin so completely great and amazing that ill never have to work again
and somewhere along the line im gonna look my happy endin in the eye as soon as im ready for it and im lockin it down.
all this shit sounds so good when u write it out all dramatic-like, huh?
it's almost 8:30 & ive been in my room just about all day. guess im used to bein back home. not happy about it by any means, of course. i feel that naggin case of escapism like 12 times stronger since ive been back home; it's becoming oppressive. like, i gotta move now or im gonna have an an... anur.. aneuris... my damn head's gon explode is what im tryna say. this makes me wish i was goin straight back to grad school. im gonna look into the GRE tomorrow and start downloadin some applications, man. and i got my first rejection letter of my job search in the mail today. my first thought: does this mean i can apply for unemployment now? of course it dont. so i remain broke.
this sucks. i hate where i am right now for lotsa reasons.
and im so freakin lonely. *cues world's smallest violin*
anyway
my aunt had a hysterectomy (sp?) today. she's 40 sumn. no kids. i just know ima hafta have my stuff taken out too one day. my mama, other aunt, and granny have all had at least a lil sumn in that area removed already. i used to think it was that sumn in em just changed after they had kids for whatever reason, but this one dont got kids, yo. feels inevitable now.
know what that means?
means i need to get knocked up ASAP.
..okay im jokin. kinda.
anyway.
my niece flipped her lid today. made my granny cry. she's 11 (my niece, of course). here's the story: my niece and her mama nem live down the street at the other end of the block. thery mama & stepdaddy work evryday, so the kids just sorta fell in to comin here regularly as opposed to makin their parents, who also have a 9month old, pay out the ass for some crappy day care center. my granny and i are here with them all day. typically im in my room all day, just cause there's nothin else to do.
tiara (the niece in question) is growin up and she's always had a nasty attitude. my granny's developed a pretty nasty attitude herself, bein depressed and feelin bad and all. so they butt heads a lot, usually over stupid shit.
today, tiara, andrea (her 9 yr old sister) and two lil girls from down the street were playin volleyball (pronounce 'balley-ball' @ their age) in the front yard. i didnt care. i gave them a piece of sidewalk chalk so that they can keep score too. granny didn't want them playin on the grass, which i understand, so from what i understand she told the girls to play in the backyard, which tiara didn't want to do. now typically, when gramds tells her to do sumthin she doesnt wanna do, she comes to me or calls botherin my mother at work w/ whatever stupid shit it is. but sistagirl had an audience today. from what andrea and her friends told me, tiara thrust her lil hand on her not-so-lil hip and got to waggin her finger at grams and sayin stuff like "we dont have to listen to her" "she's not our designated babysitter; tracy is" "you cant tell me what to do" and "you better not put your hands on me" or "you can't put your hands on me."
..and of course when she said that, that's when grams put her hands on her and tiara came in the house crying, only after grams had to try to drag her up the steps cause she wldnt move otherwise.
yall
she needs her lil ass beat.
i didnt beat it cause i didnt see what happent first hand (if that's any excuse at all), but i surely did give her a tongue lashing. i mean, i lit into her for no less than 30 minutes about how i'd take her head off at the shoulders if she EVER thought about comin outta her mouth at me that way and if it wasnt for granny they'd be in some smelly ass pissy ass day-care some where, and how NOBODY asked me to watch they lil asses, or granny either for that matter and that contrary to that lil lie she told i am not her designated anything other than her designated aunt and she will respect her granny the same way she does me. damnit.
my granny was so upset. cryin. HARD. i hadnt seen her that upset since uncle marion died. i thought she was gonna start hyperventillating a bit and i was worried cause i dont know where she keeps her nitroglycerine (sp?). and yall, all this over an 11 yr old with a smart mouth who thinks she's grown? hell no! we're nippin this shit in the bud right now. i put her lil ass on punishment for at least the rest of this week, told her i was gonna tell her mother (which i did, and she's now gettin yelled at as i type this im sure), and later in the evening after my granny had calmed down i made her go and apologize. i think that was the most effective thing. we went down to the basement where my granny was still cryin, tho she had calmed down a bit.
tiara has something to say to you.
she started out mumblin through a very pissed off expression. i cut my eyes at her.
'im sorry i disrespected you and ill obey you from now on.'
she cant here you. say it again.
she's still mumbling.
'im sorry i...'
that's not good enough. sit here and speak up and lose the ugly attitude.
she sat and spoke louder to the television.
'sorry i..'
look at her when you speak to her.
she turned her head and tears filled her eyes as she said what she had to say. grams shook her head but she was still hurt.
'tiara i aint never done nuthin to you. nuthin. all i did was tell yall to go play in that backyard cause i dont want yall in that grass. out there mouthin off in frunna yer friends.. how do you thank that makes me look to them? i aint never done nuthin to you. talked to me like a dawg, tiara, like a DAWG.' tiara cut her eyes several times. they usually landed on the tv screen which was turned to bet.
look at her. look at how you hurt your grandmother and dont you dare turn away.
she broke down then.
so i didnt spank her, not because i felt bad for her, but because i didnt need too. i cld tell that her tears were genuine. and too, i know that words can often sting more andd be more effective than a swat on the legs, phrases like 'im shocked at you' and 'i cant believe you' and 'im disappointed in you.' i said all three of those to her, not to hurt her, but to show her the severity of what she'd done and the intolerance we have for that in this house.
she apologized to me.
i told my mother what happened and i grounded her for a week.
tomorrow she'll write an essay on why we should love and respect our grandmothers. no less than 2 pages.
the ending has been lost-
-------------------------
my mama began givin me me
bits of herself
as soon as i let go of her womb
& moved into her mother's house
w/ her
these hips once belonged to her
she gave them as a gift
on my 12th bornday
her wit
temper
graceful fingers
& quick smile
soon followed suit
& settled in the corners of my mouth
& before i was old enuff
to challenege words
too wide for my tongue
mama told me
to watch out for men
w/ funny colored eyes
daddy passed on his
forehead/wide nose/cheekbones
& nearsightedness
& when our eyes met for the first time
i cldn't see past
his million watt smile
when he'd visit at school it was always
'your daddy's so handsome'
'you two look alike, you really do'
'you look just like him'
& i'd smile a proud smile
like i'd seen him do so many times before
but i was so little then
my grin didn't spread nearly as wide
as his did
but i still felt pretty
cause my daddy was deathly handsome
& i looked just like him
'cept my eyes were just plain ol' brown
& his are blue/green/brown
they change like the bed of a setting sun
i've seen them look like the Nile
& pale sapphires
& newborn crabgrass
all at the same time
but mine have always been the color of ky mud
after an autumn rain
nuthin special til the light kisses them
then they set ablaze
they almost look like his then
& when i was little
i fed on the sun
as soon as it was served each morning
so people cld see
that i was my father's daughter
'cause i wanted to be
my father's daughter
but his eyes stopped bein beautiful
when boys started lookin at me
like i was a woman or sumthin
they all looked like him
when i closed my eyes
& my mama's words richocheted
beneath my lids
that's when they turned funny lookin
they became the star that marked his difference
& kept me at bay
cause if mama told me to stay away
sumthin had to be wrong
& when i left home
i finally put a title
to the wordless song
age 18
i became a new-millineum collegiate
freedom fighter
& my daddy's blk republicanness
didn't agree w/ my new
angela davis/audre lorde/alice walker ways
& besides
what kinda afrikan man got blue/green/brown eyes
anyway?
ol' sold out
assimilated
self-hatin'
uncle tom ass nigga
you can't save blk america
w/ eyes like those
you can't care a/b blk men
who ain't got what you got
or blk women like my mama
w/ your eyes changin from
early mornin blue
to mama nature green
to sandy secretive brown
you can't love a lil girl
whose irises are the color of
wet mahogany after sunset
& have funny colored eyes
& i can't call you daddy
cause mama said to be wary
of men w/ eyes like yours
since then
i have been romanced
by some of the brightest hazels
that heaven has ever birthed
i laugh w/ them
flirt w/ them
allow my hips to
call them to my feminine side
but beyond that
nothing happens
cause they begin to look like
the daddy i almost had
their tongues bear that
funny blue/green/brown song
that mama always told me not to listen to
& i turn away
cause i want somethin brown
& sweet
& safe
i've been spit at one too many times
& i'm not down w/ cryin rusted tears
no more
so in the summer of '02
i was ready to write poems
a/b earth's darkest browns
& how god personally told me
that chocolate was her
favorite color
and blues and greens
were devilish tones
unless in a woman's hands
i been meanin to update but
i dont even have an excuse. my bad.
so i graduated. the ceremony was nice, i guess. it was hot. there was no shade (it didnt rain so the ceremony was outside) because last year's ice storm knocked all the trees out. the graduates were in black. this was the one time i was glad there weren't that many blk students in my graduatin class. blk folk draw body heat. i wlda died.
i have pictures to show yall but i gotta upload them first and that'll take forevr with this slow connection. i got some pretty nice pictures of the setup the day before; i got a new digital camera for graduation the day before from pops, so i was walkin around with it and ended up behind old morrison where graduation was to be held. there were two security officers watchin over evrything, protectin it from vandals. i talked to them a lil bit and asked if it was okay if i got on stage and took pictures of all the empty chairs & they said yeah. then the young one--the white one--mentioned nonchalantly that he'd seen a little miniature noose hung over a rafter of one of the speaker stands sitting on either side of the stage. the way he was smilin i thought he was jokin & didnt think anything of it. he walked up to the stage with me and while i was on stage he walked away from the left speaker stand with a little noose made out of a blk piece of rope.
the next day i noticed that i was sitting right next to that speaker. right next to it. of course i started conspiracy theorizing and decided that i was meant to see that. it was supposed to be the final insult on my day of achievement.
bitches.
anyway, the ceremony went quickly. the speakers sucked. i got very, very pissed while the skinny blonde girl was reading the speech i was supposed to give. that was some real underhanded shit and im gonna write to the deans about it very soon. the commencement speaker was some old wrinkled up ass white man who graduated from transy in NINETEEN FORTY. 1940!!! and he was some sorta religious, longevity expert, so basically it was an old man talkin about other old men. snooze-o-rama.
after the ceremony the grads met their friends and family in haupt plaza for a little reception. my mama cried her eyes out. she says it's cause she was happy, but when my mama cries she always looks like she's at a funeral. there was no smile, no happiness anywhere in her eyes. she was sad. i held her there for about 5 minutes and for about 5 minutes she cried. i teared up a little too.
i shld run down the guest list, i guess--my mama was there and david was with her; so was my niece, tiara, my granny, my big brother and his roommate/my childhood friend matthew; aunt pauline & chuck; uncle ronald & nadiene; joe reese and his fiance drove all the way down from detroit; my pops was there; and uncle ernest (aka professorlips) and aunt denise. none of my friends were there aside from the ones who graduated with me. dallas was no where to be found. after all that mouth runnin teddy didn't show. when i asked him where he was he completely lied to me. he's so full of it yo.
that evening my mama and aunt and lita threw a get together for me at my aunt & lita's restaurant. sooooooooo much food. none of my friends were there except candis (i see a trend here. do u?). i got lotsa cards and a big bouquet of sunflowers. it was nice. i got a total of $600, which i thought was a lot til candis told me she got $1200. still, im greatful.
so that was graduation. i'll have pictures soon, i hope.
i dont have a job. so far i sit in my room all day. i watch the kids when they're here (they're not here this week cause tiara's in innanapolis with her daddy for 2 weeks, so andrea wont be here either. YES!). me and my mama switched bedrooms to keep my granny outta my hair (im upstairs now). it's workin pretty well; the house has only had one major altercation as of yet.. long story, ill tell u later.
i havent seen much of my friends since ive been home. dallas is slowly abandonin me, stayin stuck up under this new boyfriend of hers. stood me up twice already. i at least had one nite out w/ the guys, and that was fun; i met sean and teddy and errk and ben and tony and deshawn and tytus and nina at the waterfront and we played taboo til like 1 in the mornin--this was the same day that me and grams and moms had that run in--so it was good to get outta the house.
im in dire need of some new friends, man. things are craaaaaaaazy awkward w/ me & teddy still. he's been here since ive been home from school and ive only seen him twice, only talked to him on the phone twice. he's movin back home (he says) to work with the hip hop scene in louisville. he'd rather work here w/ somethin that barely exists than stay in fl and work with glen lewis and floetry and dwele and raphael saadiq.
..he be lyin, yo.
at any rate, thing'sll prolly be thisaway for awhile. and im reluctant to spend much time w/ sean cause he kinda been lookin at me crossways too now, specially since he just broke up with his girl.
i need some GIRLfriends, man. mens is too much drama.
cant wait til i move.
cant wait til i know when that'll be.
so. that's my recap as far as i got. im gettin ready to run away soon & i cant wait.
candis brought me my graduation gift last weekend. it's a big ol picture collage of me, her & brittany over the yrs.
u know time's passin when u can make collages to document it.
