im supposed to be workin on my resume but i cant focus on anything. my mind wont sit still.
things are okay at home, i guess, considering the usual depressed granny and restless 22-yr old and frustrated mother. the girls arent here anymore. their stepsister is in town now and their parents figured 3 girls wld be a bit much for grams to have at least half a hand in dealin with, so they stay at home by themselves during the day. 11, 10, and 9. definitely too young. i call and check up on them and ride past the house occasionally to make sure the house is still standing.
speakin of riding, i took my bike out for a spin for the first time in a very long while yesterday. it wore me out, but it felt good. i feel like im gettin fat & more outta shape since by the minute so hopefully ill be doin it more often.
i have felt too attractive since i hadda leave atlanta. matter fact i dont think ive been happy since ive been back home. fuck that, i KNOW i haven't been happy and it doesnt feel that i will be happy til i leave here. or maybe it's just that i have it in my mind that i cant be happy here. whatever the case, ive been miserable lately. the job search is going horribly and i miss my baby more than ive ever missed anything in my life.
*sigh*
it gets harder and harder to separate what i know i need to do from what i want to do. the lines are blurring and im afraid that im slowly abandoning logic and the scary thing is that part of me doesnt care anymore. what good is logic? all it does is keep you from bein spontaneous and doin shit that cld be good for u in the long run and from loving wild and hard and with reckless abandon. fuck logic. who needs it.
evrybody needs it.
otherwise we'd drown in life and in ourselves and choke on all the mistakes we've made b/c we were too good or too cute or too in love for logic.
im not even makin sense to myself anymore.
i question myself a lot. i be like, well the writing thing's not happenin lately... maybe that aint what im destined for. maybe i shld just forget about writing seriously and do it on the side when i can and go to school for somethin legit. but if not writing/english, what else can i do? what else am i fairly good & smart at? nuthin. women's studies. what kinda job ima get w/ a women's studies degree? teachin. i want more than teachin.
but i still dont know exactly what it is i want.
i want him, i know that for sure.
but the whole entire motherfuckin world seems to be standin in the way. that and myself.
and logic.
fuckin logic.
i want outta here, yo.
right now, i want out.
he told me awhile ago that my fear is gonna be the one thing that holds me back. of all the supertrue things he's ever said to me, that may be the realest. and im tryna deal with it, with evrything, but i feel so weak sometimes. like god, how am i ever gonna wade thru all this? i only got 2 arms and they're tiring, quickly.
gaaarrrrgh.
oh, and i found dallas finally.
i left a note at her house and she called me 2 days ago.
she just moved into a new house.
and her boyfriend's movin in with her.
right after he gets off house arrest.
the world is going insane.
ive lost whatever train of thought i might have had when i started this shit.
but man
for serious.
im gettin my shit together.
ive said that like a grillion and 5 times but i fuckin mean it this time. this shit cant continue.
im gettin me a job and some money and then im makin legitimate plans outta here. im goin back to school for... somethin. im gettin me a masters and then im gettin an even better better job and then im goin BACK to school and gettin a ph.d. and then im doin somethin so completely great and amazing that ill never have to work again
and somewhere along the line im gonna look my happy endin in the eye as soon as im ready for it and im lockin it down.
all this shit sounds so good when u write it out all dramatic-like, huh?
