it's almost 8:30 & ive been in my room just about all day. guess im used to bein back home. not happy about it by any means, of course. i feel that naggin case of escapism like 12 times stronger since ive been back home; it's becoming oppressive. like, i gotta move now or im gonna have an an... anur.. aneuris... my damn head's gon explode is what im tryna say. this makes me wish i was goin straight back to grad school. im gonna look into the GRE tomorrow and start downloadin some applications, man. and i got my first rejection letter of my job search in the mail today. my first thought: does this mean i can apply for unemployment now? of course it dont. so i remain broke.
this sucks. i hate where i am right now for lotsa reasons.
and im so freakin lonely. *cues world's smallest violin*
anyway
my aunt had a hysterectomy (sp?) today. she's 40 sumn. no kids. i just know ima hafta have my stuff taken out too one day. my mama, other aunt, and granny have all had at least a lil sumn in that area removed already. i used to think it was that sumn in em just changed after they had kids for whatever reason, but this one dont got kids, yo. feels inevitable now.
know what that means?
means i need to get knocked up ASAP.
..okay im jokin. kinda.
anyway.
my niece flipped her lid today. made my granny cry. she's 11 (my niece, of course). here's the story: my niece and her mama nem live down the street at the other end of the block. thery mama & stepdaddy work evryday, so the kids just sorta fell in to comin here regularly as opposed to makin their parents, who also have a 9month old, pay out the ass for some crappy day care center. my granny and i are here with them all day. typically im in my room all day, just cause there's nothin else to do.
tiara (the niece in question) is growin up and she's always had a nasty attitude. my granny's developed a pretty nasty attitude herself, bein depressed and feelin bad and all. so they butt heads a lot, usually over stupid shit.
today, tiara, andrea (her 9 yr old sister) and two lil girls from down the street were playin volleyball (pronounce 'balley-ball' @ their age) in the front yard. i didnt care. i gave them a piece of sidewalk chalk so that they can keep score too. granny didn't want them playin on the grass, which i understand, so from what i understand she told the girls to play in the backyard, which tiara didn't want to do. now typically, when gramds tells her to do sumthin she doesnt wanna do, she comes to me or calls botherin my mother at work w/ whatever stupid shit it is. but sistagirl had an audience today. from what andrea and her friends told me, tiara thrust her lil hand on her not-so-lil hip and got to waggin her finger at grams and sayin stuff like "we dont have to listen to her" "she's not our designated babysitter; tracy is" "you cant tell me what to do" and "you better not put your hands on me" or "you can't put your hands on me."
..and of course when she said that, that's when grams put her hands on her and tiara came in the house crying, only after grams had to try to drag her up the steps cause she wldnt move otherwise.
yall
she needs her lil ass beat.
i didnt beat it cause i didnt see what happent first hand (if that's any excuse at all), but i surely did give her a tongue lashing. i mean, i lit into her for no less than 30 minutes about how i'd take her head off at the shoulders if she EVER thought about comin outta her mouth at me that way and if it wasnt for granny they'd be in some smelly ass pissy ass day-care some where, and how NOBODY asked me to watch they lil asses, or granny either for that matter and that contrary to that lil lie she told i am not her designated anything other than her designated aunt and she will respect her granny the same way she does me. damnit.
my granny was so upset. cryin. HARD. i hadnt seen her that upset since uncle marion died. i thought she was gonna start hyperventillating a bit and i was worried cause i dont know where she keeps her nitroglycerine (sp?). and yall, all this over an 11 yr old with a smart mouth who thinks she's grown? hell no! we're nippin this shit in the bud right now. i put her lil ass on punishment for at least the rest of this week, told her i was gonna tell her mother (which i did, and she's now gettin yelled at as i type this im sure), and later in the evening after my granny had calmed down i made her go and apologize. i think that was the most effective thing. we went down to the basement where my granny was still cryin, tho she had calmed down a bit.
tiara has something to say to you.
she started out mumblin through a very pissed off expression. i cut my eyes at her.
'im sorry i disrespected you and ill obey you from now on.'
she cant here you. say it again.
she's still mumbling.
'im sorry i...'
that's not good enough. sit here and speak up and lose the ugly attitude.
she sat and spoke louder to the television.
'sorry i..'
look at her when you speak to her.
she turned her head and tears filled her eyes as she said what she had to say. grams shook her head but she was still hurt.
'tiara i aint never done nuthin to you. nuthin. all i did was tell yall to go play in that backyard cause i dont want yall in that grass. out there mouthin off in frunna yer friends.. how do you thank that makes me look to them? i aint never done nuthin to you. talked to me like a dawg, tiara, like a DAWG.' tiara cut her eyes several times. they usually landed on the tv screen which was turned to bet.
look at her. look at how you hurt your grandmother and dont you dare turn away.
she broke down then.
so i didnt spank her, not because i felt bad for her, but because i didnt need too. i cld tell that her tears were genuine. and too, i know that words can often sting more andd be more effective than a swat on the legs, phrases like 'im shocked at you' and 'i cant believe you' and 'im disappointed in you.' i said all three of those to her, not to hurt her, but to show her the severity of what she'd done and the intolerance we have for that in this house.
she apologized to me.
i told my mother what happened and i grounded her for a week.
tomorrow she'll write an essay on why we should love and respect our grandmothers. no less than 2 pages.
