ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

8.30.2004

why u caint see my yo mama joke all the way up there?

must be a sign from the heavens. the message: get a new yo mama joke or go to hell. kay. and im takin suggestions.

so.
my computer crashed again.
the last time i took it to the computer ppl when this happened (which was not long ago, might i mention), they restored it but saved alla my music and important documents and stuff. but.

the bitches forgot to put my V I R U S S C AN S O F T W A R E back on it. i didnt notice til the week i was runnin about interviewin and intended to call them on Friday which is when my computer crashed. maybe i wasnt thinkin rationally which is completely possible cause when u're puttin creative cusswords together to make even better ones, logic isnt so high on the priority list--but i decided that i am sooo not takin this back out there *again* to pay them aNOTHER $150 dollars that i dont really have so they can restore it. so i did it myself. i have all my documents and stuff saved on cds & disks so i didnt really lose too much. i hadnt had time to put anything else on here.

all my music is gone tho.

so not only do i need DSL but i need a new computer too, basically.

joooob come quick... jooooooob come in a hurryyy... there are neeeeeeeeeds in the temple to-nite.

i
am so
freakin
clever.

anyway, the moral of that story is that technology sucks.

speakin of jobs, here's an update-
still waitin to hear from proquest. hopefully that will be soon.
got a 2nd interview w/ the guy i interviewed with on friday. check this job out-

#1 - it's a financial planning firm. been in the republic building for 20+ yrs & is obviously doing well b/c the office is GORGEOUS. oh my gosh. ive never been in a prettier place of business. i mean yall--they had actual elevator music playing in the elevator. no joke. i stepped on that bitch & felt waaaay underdressed. so this gig wld require way formal business attire evryday which wld require a complete new wardrobe for me.

#2 - it's a receptionist job that sounds incredibly easy. answer phones. smile @ ppl. occasional administrative support, takin diction, filing stuff, yaddah yaddah. directing clients to the conference room which is right next to my office. makin sure they have hot coffee & donuts.... sumthin is tellin me that i'd really really hate that job.

#3 - starting pay is $11.00.

...*gets an erection*

anti-setback #1.

#4 - waaaaaay better benefits than the proquest gig.

so.
w/ alla this in mind, i cld be faced w/ choosing b/t this gig and the proquest gig. maybe. i still havent been offered anything yet. but if i had to choose, i think ive come to the difficult conclusion that i'd go w/ the proquest gig. i'd be workin closer to my field of study, way more laid-back atmosphere (the corporate world is so not for me). and even tho the pay is 50 cent less, there's still opportunity for cash bonuses based on performance. wish the benefits were better tho. and no servin any flamin coffee & damn donuts to nobody.

if proquest dont want me & the financial folk do tho, ill go w/ them.
but yeah if i had a choice.
and i hope this isnt equivalent to countin my chickens cause again ive had no offers yet.

but yeah. that's the job update.

brittany called me a couple days ago. thursday, i think.
she called to tell me that she was movin back to louisville the next day, back to her mama house w/ the fiance in tow. we rapped for a bit & caught up w/ each other cause i hadnt talked to her since graduation almost. then outta nowhere she was like 'um, when i get there wld u mind spendin time with me?'

im like uh, i guess.
im thinkin to myself a movie here & there wont kill me.

then she's like 'i know i havent been a very good person to u lately.'

i thought she said 'i havent been a very regular person lately.' i was gonna sugest more fiber in her diet but then she repeated herself. i didnt really say anything. i shlda been like yeah, britt, u havent at all. my mama always said that i dont take shit from anybody cept the folk that i care for. guess she's right. anyway, i let her say her spiel, which sounded a lot like the last one, and then i was like well call me when u get back.

she called yesterday but i missed the call & forgot to call her back.

im not gonna push her away if she's finna make an effort to be a better friend but im not finna expect anything either. i hold grudges. after we hung up i wondered to myself whether she wld have called me if she wasnt moving back home and u know what, i honestly dont know that she wld have. maybe things have changed in her life & she's foudn herself in a better emotional space or sumthin.

but jus like the last time, i aint finna rush to put myself out there to show the world what a pretty doormat i can be.

so like the jobs,
we'll see how this goes too.

so now let's talk about how i accidentally bought some tae-bo tapes on ebay. lmao
i was tryna see if my acct was still active, so i had found sumn real cheap to bid on but i wasnt logged in. so in between tryna find my acct information and actually tryna bid i ended up winnin a set of 4 tae bo tapes for $3.30.

if anybody wants dubbed copies, i got u for $5 a piece.

lol the hell ima do w/ these things.

ooh, i gotta go cause family matters is on and its the episode where evrybody does the Urkle.
*runs to the dancefloor*


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|~| trace 8/30/2004 12:42:00 PM

8.26.2004

been quite a week

and its only thursday.
ive got lots i cld prolly go on & on & on about but im too tired to do so.

so.

I - the innaview.

it went alright.
i was interviewed by a lady named betsy and two other young women named jenny and amy. they were all nice.

it's actually not an editing job at all--basically i'd be responsible for reading, summarizing and entering at least 85 articles into a database a day for use in search engines like the ones u find @ libraries.

pays $10.50 an hr.
i really hope i get it.

--------------

II - my mama.

she went to the dr about a week ago to see a/b her heart. she said it was fluttering and pounding and acting weird, so they fitted her with some kind of monitor to wear for a day. she went yesterday for a reading and they told her that she's having premature vascular contractions or something, and they can be caused by anything from stress to too much caffine. im worried though because she's not as healthy as she cld or shld be, especially entering menopause, and she's been doing this low-carb dieting bullshit. i know it can mess w/ ur kidneys but who knows what it's doin to ur heart, what with all the meat & protien u have to take in.

so im scared.
pray for her, plz.

---------------------

III - dallas.

dallas called me yesterday. she has cervical cancer.

she's known for 3 months & didnt want to tell me. i was mad at first, prolly mostly cause i was so upset a/b the news, but i understand why she kept it quiet.

she had surgery last friday. they removed part of her cervix. they won't know if they got it all til next thursday.

im scared.
pray for her too.

-------------------

IV - my writing.

i get more and more discouraged and disgusted everyday.

after hearing about dallas, though, and listenin to this song on repeat, i managed to get this out a little while ago. i dunno how good it is but for some reason i want the whole world to read it. i guess... i dunno, she's led such a hard life in anonymity. ppl need to know a/b this woman's strength.

-----------------

V. - my baby.

i miss u very very much.




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|~| trace 8/26/2004 03:01:00 PM

8.23.2004

!

I GOT ANOTHER INTERVIEW!!

tomorrow i go to interview for the job as assistant editor at ProQuest that i was tested for

and then friday morning i go to interview for administrative assistant @ a financial planning firm downtown

wish me muchos of luck!


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|~| trace 8/23/2004 09:18:00 PM

8.20.2004

!

I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!


0 comments
|~| trace 8/20/2004 02:01:00 PM

8.19.2004

my granny almost burnt down the house.

again.

burnt up another skillet on the stove.

all kinda alarms goin off evrywhere in the house.

i came downstairs & it looked like that scene from Rainman when ol' dude burnt up the pop tart in the toaster.

FILLED
with smoke. filled.

soot was all over the microwave and range.

i tell ya what.


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|~| trace 8/19/2004 10:57:00 PM

8.18.2004

really.

Teddy86: heeey
Teddy866: guess what
TracimusLynnicus: what?
Teddy866: random good news 4 ya
Teddy866: i got invited to go the mtv music awards in mia
TracimusLynnicus: yay!
Teddy866:
TracimusLynnicus: not yay?
Teddy866: lol
Teddy866: no...yay is right
TracimusLynnicus: yay!
Teddy86: yeah...

yeah fuckin right man.

perhaps ill be eating these words come the end of the month
but i put money on the fact that sumthin will mysteriously 'come up' & uh oh, caint make it.

i dislike talkin to him more & more each day :o/


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|~| trace 8/18/2004 12:22:00 AM

8.16.2004

let's talk about David Banner.

'like a pimp' was some ignorant ass shit. definitely not feminist-friendly. or regular woman friendly, even. "real girls get down on the floor." on the floor. put me and your mothers and sisters in a more submissive space? please?

such music is my guilty pleasure tho. i bobbed my head to it whenever i ran across it on the radio lookin for npr or a smooth jazz station, or when i came across the video on BET whilst in hot persuit of the preview channel.

the video. have u seen it?
virtually nothing to do w/ the song & its lyrics. klansmen? burning crosses? where do they fit in in yo pimpin, playa?

david banner is more than folk make him out to be. the lyrics of 'like a pimp' may not exactly scream 'i have a mater's degree,' but his plan sorta does: step 1- get em listenin. deep fry a bass line southern style. add a pimp cup full of willing women w/ fat asses. mix in a verse from lil john or some other already established southern cat. spread on a cracker, feed to radio stations, lather, rinse, repeat.

step 2- slip in some knowledge & positivity & optimism when nobody's lookin.
that's what he's tryin to do. that's why the video has nothing to do with the song itself.

and erbody made such a fuss over kanye's jesus joint, but yall ain't hear david banner. (and whoever typed up those lyrics a-fucked em up considerably.)

he knows more than folk who dont know better credit him with knowing. and who knows how many other southern rappers are on the same wavelength? and who knows when we'll ever know? seems like unless its outkast, if it comes from south of the mason dixon aint nobody tryna hear it unless it comes in a pimp cup.

but i digress. sort of.

"this is for mississippi--and everybody yall treat like mississippi."

therein lies the real reason why i dig david banner. i remember hearing him growl this on the intro to 'mississippi: the album' and just smiling, shakin my head and goin 'damn...' id explain why if i cld.

"...dedicated to that muhfkin state yall dont scream on yall songs..."

i love mos def. one of my favorite emcees, hands down. he shouts out brooklyn on virtually every track he does or appears on & its understandable. its natural to be proud of where u come from & whatnot. i am. david banner is. and so is mos and i aint mad at him for that.

but hearing him do it gets to me sometimes, not because he shldn't be proud of brooklyn but because it makes me think. ill prolly do a bad job of explaining this too cause its hard to capture some feelings sometimes, but.. i listen to him, so full of pride for his home, for new york, the epitome of modern civilization according to some, and i think about the scores and scores of emcees there to supplement his repping if he misses a beat. if they aint shoutin new york, they shoutin LA. or philly. or chicago. and i be like--what about us? what about mississippi and alabama and tennessee and ky and all the other places that gave birth to the folk who gave birth to yall?

it's so sad that we are so easily forgotten. just think of all the famous american writers that most ppl wldnt even recognize as being from the south because they weren't recognizeable until they went north.

im sure i have an inferiority complex. its so easy to discredit and ignore us. we're the backwards, cousin-fuckin, lazy-tongued sloths still living in and resisting reconstruction but too dumb to even notice it. we'd die if there was ever a pork shortage and we dont know enough to stop perming our hair. nothing creative comes from here. we were too stupid to leave and head north when evrybody else did.

(or were we? )

"...my grandparents watched your grandparents run while our brothers and sisters died..."

maybe i dont have an impressive list of superstars from my city or my state to brag about. there is still plenty here and all pts south to be proud of. we deserve a place in the music world and an image that does not include pimp cups or pimp canes or half-dressed blk mothers with their asses in the air. maybe david banner's method isnt the most effective right now but he's makin an effort whether folk see it or not. he's using what he has and what was forced upon him to try and do some good shit for mississippi & evrybody treated like mississippi.

and he makes me wish my accent was thicker than it is.


0 comments
|~| trace 8/16/2004 04:40:00 PM

8.14.2004

9:51 pm.

ive literally been in my room all day & didnt even notice it til my granny caught me gettin sumthin to eat in the kitchen.

'well, i didn't thank you was ever gon come down.'

i dont even notice that i dont do anything anymore. like im not even mad about not leaving the house when the world knows that im too fly to sit inside. i guess that's good cause it means i wont feel any noticible blues over this temporary situation, but it's pretty scary at the same time. when u stop bein mad about sumthin it means that u've accepted it. this aint no kinda lifestyle that i wanna accept.

but i remain optimistic. w/ erbody gettin new jobs to the left & right of me (i see yall) i figure maybe it's sumn in the air & whatever it is will drift toward the center and creep up my nostrilways and get to work. so ive got a grip of new jobs im gonna apply for & hope that this time they'll at least notify me to tell me they dont want me insteada havin me waitin & callin & emailin tryna figure what the fk im gettin slept on for.

bitches.

ive got a list of things i want/need to do.

at the top of that list was to burn all of my word files and pictures that i want to keep for the rest of my days to cds for when my computer dies again (and im almost positive that it will). so i did that today. i aint sayin im welcomin another digital armageddon, but im somewhat prepared for it this time around.

i emailed some lady from the creative writing program @ american university asking to be put in touch w/ a current CW student there, preferably black. i got 3 responses within the past week, one of which was inviting enuff to respond to. so im gonna do that.

im gonna put some honest, serious work into makin my resume not look like day-old shit stew smeared on a piece of computer paper and get it out to some more employers.

im gonna write a letter to michael moore. in my sporadic reading of 'stupid white men' i stumbled upon a chapter in his book called 'Nice Planet, Nobody home' that he opens with what i found to be some very offensive commentary on the South. i understand that it's posed to be humorous and help prove his point, but fuck that. my feathers hadnt been that flustered over this matter since i read Mencken my last semester @ transy. so im gonna write him a nice intelligent letter expressing my disgust. i also didnt completely appreciate his 'the end of men' chapter either, though he made some good pts. so im gonna tell him that too. and early in his book he says very plainly that any blk person reading his book who needs a job in the production/writing/publishing/movie makin/whatever business shld send him his resume.

and im damn sure gonna do that too. lol

in addition to writin that letter, i wanna do some real writing too. im so completely frustrated with myself and my fingers for not writing anything good anymore, man. im really startin to doubt myself. hard. im still almost sorta considering not studyin writing in grad school but makin women's studies my area of concentration. the best i can write recently is stupid, forced, cliched, corny ass poems that no one can possibly like. i be postin em on the freestyle boards @ okp for shits & giggles. it's a riot. those cats eat up whatever's posted, man. it's sad. no matter how bad the shit is, if u post under a name that no one recognizes the response is always 'mm, damn that was gripping' or 'yeah, man im feelin these lines here--' or 'brilliant. sheer genius.' yeah right.

but i know what its like to not have the heart/guts to tell someone that their poetry more or less sucks.

anyway
i havent completely given up on the writing thing. im gonna employ some writing exercises; awhile ago i started writing pieces for jimi hendrix's 'are u experienced' & im gonna work on finishin that up.

im also gonna try & write here more. i wanna make sure that i dont just shut down completely & let that closed door just rust shut.

im all outta stuff to type. ima go watch & recite austin powers 2.

and when has anybody talked to eli last??

holler!


0 comments
|~| trace 8/14/2004 09:53:00 PM

8.12.2004

welcome back, welcome back, wel.come.baaack-

back from 'vacation.' spent almost a week in my favorite place, the world-famous indianapolis, indiana, visiting my big brother with my niece/his daughter and my mama.

we wasnt originally supposed to spend my mama & brother's time off in innanapolis. what had supposed to happen was, my mama was gonna take off a week two weeks ago, and so was my brother. we were gonna drive to cleveland to pick up my nephew/his son, and then we'd all drive to sandusky to go to cedar point. but by some stroke of genius, my brother took the wrong week off so we hadda push it back 2 weeks. three days before we were all supposed to go, my mama's car started actin up and she hadda put $300 of what she'd saved for vacation into fixin it. then, a distant cousin of the family died and my brother thought he was gon hafta be a pallbearer in the funeral, which was earlier today (he wasnt, btw, but he didnt find out til after he got to the funeral). so long story short, we were sorta limited to innanapolis due to money and morbid obligation. i wld have liked to have seen my nephew cause i havent seen him in well over a yr and a half, but whatever. this time wld give my niece some quality time w/ her pops, plus i was sorta missin my big brother too (and i'll murder anyone who leaks that information to him).

we had fun for most of the 4 days we spent there--we left monday and just got back like 2 hrs ago.

the first day we went downtown somewhere and rented a paddle boat on this creek/stream thingie that sorta weaves thru the area and lemme tell u what--that joint wore me OUT. evrybody, man. see, the first problem was my brother (who has gained some more weight again) & my mama were sittin in the back & me & lil niece sat in the front. it's easier to push weight than it is to pull it, right? well me & the niece had quite a bit of weight to pull, lemme tell ya. but it was fun tho. plus we got a lil work out. after that we grabbed sumthin to eat & went to the ZOOOOOOO! i love the zoo man. and innanapolis has a damn fine zoo, i can give yall that.

the next day, tuesday, we went to some place called Good Times or Great Times or Super Happy Fun Stuff Times of the Day or sumthin--they had go karts and bumper boats and an arcade and a chuck e cheese type game area inside. it was fun; my mama didnt ride the go karts with us, but it was for the best man cause i DUSTED trav & tiara on the track the first time around. 2nd ride some racist white cat (im only guessin he was racist cause i mean most white ppl are, right?) kept cuttin me off as i was gettin closer to passin them. that bastard. inside, we played skee-ball for like an hr & got a million tickets and then i discovered the air hockey table. i got an air hockey fetish sumthin terrible man; when im @ a table, this competitive streak jumps out in me and i end up playin too hard and hurtin myself. my whole left side hurts right now. my pinky is swollen, i broke a nail, and it hurts to hold my arm above my head. i beat moms one game, tiara one game, but i just cldnt beat big bro. damn him. anyway, Good Great God Super Happy Fun Ball Times was good stuff. we all gave tiara the tickets we'd won playin skee-ball and various games and she redeemed them for a buncha crap she doesn't need. fun times.

i believe that this was the night that my brother got me drunk offa some concoction he made w/ some remy. it wasnt really all that great, but he was proud of it so i drank it & got kinda loopy. yall, ONE DRANK. 's all i had. and that's why i dont drink.

wednesday: we went to the fair. we just happened to be in town for opening day, and my brother lives like literally right in frunna the innanapolis fairgrounds--there were ppl parking in front of his house and in his backyard and he was pissed and rightly so. we had a pretty nice time. he played lotsa basketball games and typically lost, but he finally sunk a shot and won tiara a big super huge blue bear that my mama strapped to her back and carried around. we ate and ate and ate and ate. i was introduced to a new level of fatness--deep fried cookies, candy bars, and other already-too-fat goodies. my brother had a deep fried snickers that i didnt taste cause i was too pissed off @ him to do so. i ate a chili dog and a buncha other stuff i cant remember and a deep fried twinkie. i mean really, who's idea was that?! it was a heart attack on a stick. it was pretty good tho, lol... basically tasted like a funnel cake.

and now, a quick word on the national tendencies of men:

each city, i believe, or used to believe, has its own standard cat call that ppl, typically men, give to attract the opposite sex. in louisville, it's this slick, flat kinda 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhd' sound. i'd hafta do it for u cause it dont sound right written. in lexington, ky, where i went to school, it's a loud, high 'yee-YEE!' sounds kinda stupid. not as cool as the 'eeeeeeeehhd' at all. went to chicago. asked some folks & found out chicago doesnt have one. went to philly. asked some folks & found philly doesnt have one. went to atlanta. went to indianapolis. didnt ask nobody (i dont think--nate i cant recall if u said yall have one or not), but i did observe the menfolk there and have drawn some conclusions.

southern nigras are far bolder.

in chicago i cant recall men ever paying any public mind to any females. in philly, they'd look @ ladies and occassionally comment, unless drunk, i found, when they grow a lil touchy-feely & intrusive, but i think its fair to say that's w/ anybody anywhere. in indianapolis they just stared like a motherfucker. happened sparsely, tho. in atlanta they were much, much bolder, starin u straight up & down & all up in ya grill & even doin some verbal propositionin whether u got a man on ur arm or not. ive not seen any men as aggressive as louisville dudes, tho. never. lil observation.
anyway.

the entire trip was peppered with me & travis trading insults, of course. examples:

at the zoo:

tiara: daddy, i want a pet monkey!
travis: go play with tracy.

today @ some department store:

moms: travis, will u stop being an idiot please?!
me: that's not fair. give him something he's got at least half a shot at accomplishing.

and so on and so forth. travis takes it too far tho, man. he's the type of person who teases and teases beyond the pt of it bein funny til u just wanna smack him, which i did a couple of times. it usually ends up in me swearing not to talk to or look at him anymore, which i dont for bout 25 minutes. but he's like, incapable of holding grudges and i can tell when he's not mad anymore so i just be like fuck it and we started gettin okay again. even tho i dont like him a lotta the time i love him very very much. he's a very good man with a beautiful heart & one of very few positive male figures in my life. PLUS he's got a typewriter that he says he's gonna gimmie!

thursday: i was mad at my brother for most of the day. i think we'd all spent too much time together in close quarters. we tried to take tiara school shoppin but the places we went to aint have shit that she needed and she was gettin mad and my brother's an ass and we just cldnt get things together so we left and went to eat at BW3's and then came on home. im zippin thru this part cause im tired of typing.

we came home to find that my granny had burned a wooden cutting board in the kitchen and had a jar of hair relaxer creme in the freezer.

*sigh*

i got lotsa pictures that ill share soon.

plz leave all ur 'i missed u so much' messages in the comment box below.

holler!


0 comments
|~| trace 8/12/2004 10:57:00 PM

8.04.2004

been a minute.

i dunno bout all these blogger changes. my font's all weird, my margin's gone. ill fix it later.

i aint updated cause i got this thing now where i dont typically dont wanna talk to too many ppl for real cause im not doin anything & dont have anything to report. i make & take very few phone calls for that reason & i guess i aint updated for that reason as well.

i think my computer monitor's gonna go out soon. how much does that suck.

i had a semi-job interview not long ago. it was for sellin water filtration systems. i passed.

friday i gotta go take a skills test for a position of assistant editor that i applied for. wish me luck!

tomorrow my mama has to go and take a nerve test a/b her probs w/ her wrists and arms and shoulders. they're gonna stick her w/ a big ol needle. wish her luck too!

yesterday i went w/ a friend to see lil scrappy perform for free at like 10 am.. lol. we actually spent the whole day wanderin about downtown which was cool... i havent done that w/ someone else in awhile. ill talk more about that later.

we also stopped in a record store and witnessed a good ol lou, ky cipher & freestyle battle. ill talk more about taht too.

congrats again, nate :o) if i aint posed to put that here lemme know & ill take it down.. lol

they put a borders downtown! it's finally open!! i bought 'stupid white men' when i went on monday. good shit. go get it & read it.

i really dont have much else to say. i needa be in bed, so im a-goin.

& i miss u, pookie poo! :o) *listens as the crowd vomits in unison*

gnite yall!


0 comments
|~| trace 8/04/2004 11:07:00 PM
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