my brother came in town today. he & i went to my aunt reda's & she gave me a buncha records, one of which was a best of the o-jays 2 record deal. it's playing now.
trav came in town to bring tiara some clothes that he'd bought her and to bring one of his roommates down here to do something. while my granny was gone to church, he, my mother & i just sat around shootin the shit. he asked me about my job. i joked about movin but let him know i was seriously considering it. my mama got mad right off the bat & didnt wanna hear anything bein said.
rewind:
there's an apartmemt complex directly across the street from my job that is now leasing. river view place. used to be called kentucky towers & supposedly used to be a sketchy place, but its under new management & its come up a lot. w/ all the renovating goin on downtown to boost louisvlle's night life, they're targeting white folk to come move downtown. it's very affordable, i think--$390 a month for a studio or 1 br deal. all utilities paid. on-site laundry. pool on the roof. doorman. looks really nice. w/ the money im makin, i cld move there after doin a little saving, and i think it'd be good for me. like i was thinkin i cld get a short term lease for bout 6 mos & experience havin my own place & bein forced to fend for myself the way i'll have to when i move outta this state for grad school. i need that experience now so that if i get up there & cant swing it or sumthin goes wrong, i wont have to suffer the inconvenient drama of not bein able to call my mama & have her help me. plus it's right on the bus line & not far from home or anywhere else i'd ever have to go.
down side--im posed to be savin money for grad school next yr. cant' really do that if im shellin out rent & grocery money each month. or i cld, but i'd have to stay here longer than the yr i have alotted myeslf, which im hestiant & a little afraid to do. i dont wanna get sucked in to stayin here forever.
my brother said today that im impatient, but that gettin my own lil place wldnt be that bad.
my mother thinks it's a horridly stupid idea and doesnt want me to go, not only there, but anywhere. any time i try to talk to her about helping me w/ some logical plans a/b this coming year, she first tries to shove U of L down my throat, and when i try to explain to her why i dont wanna go to school here (which i've had no luck with doing so far), she gets mad and upset and won't listen to anything i try to tell her. as she and my brother and i were talkin about it today she got mad & stormed out, then pulled travis aside and said 'dont talk to her about this anymore, she gets all sad and depressed when you don't agree or tell her somethin she doesnt wanna hear.' part of that is true. it is saddening to discover that my mother doesnt (or refuses to) understand me on this. and it makes me feel like i'm doing a horrible thing in wanting to not live here under this roof with her and my granny forever.
but i mean i cant live for everybody, right?
this isnt coming out as coherently as i wanted it to. forgive, por favor.
my brother was a lot more fair and understanding and logical when i spoke with him about it today. he still thinks im being impatient and probably illogical, too. he thinks a year is too soon to be tryin to go anywhere. my mother acted like she agreed with him there, but hell, she was mad at me for wanting to take a year off before graduate school. he made me question where my head is in all this, if im wanting to move for the right reasons, if im prioritizing the way i need to be. to tell the truth i dont know that i am & im doubting myself very, very seriously right now. hard.
so im thinkin that i can get a lil 6 month lease & get all that experience & stuff (and MY OWN PRIVATE SPACE. good heavens.) and then take whatever i save and just make it work w/ wherever i go. scholarships, loans, fafsa... we made it work last time, why cant we do it again? i wldn't actively ask my family for any financial help, but i have a strong feeling that my mama wld help me of her own volition. why, you ask? cause she told me so. when i brought all this to her the first time, i told her that if i were to get my own place now, i'd probably have to stay here for 2 years to save up instead of 1. to that she responded, 'yeah, and while you were here, you could go to U of L and study, and then transfer when u're ready to go.' but... if i did that, i'd still be saving less money b/c i'd be paying for school at U of L, right? her response: 'well, that's what family's for.'
so. basically. if i stay here awhile and go to u of l, she'll help me. if i stay here a year and move out and then move outta state, she wont. i mean, to me it seems like her helping me out w/ grad school next yr to supplement what i'd lose payin rent @ river view wldn't be that different from her helpin me out w/ u of l to supplement what i'd lose payin rent. right? is my vision skewed?
and am i really being unrealistic?
i dont know what to do. i halfway dont know what i want anymore.
well that's a lie--i know who i want. i just dont know that the immediate future is going to (or should) allow it anymore.
i dunno what to do yall. im open to suggestion. and prayer. lots and lotsa prayer.
im sittin here in my room alone, as usual, and for the first time in awhile its starting to get to me. im feelin really lonely, so i decided i'd talk to this here blawg for awhile. and for the first time i actually feel like writing. and maybe ill throw some pictures in here and there.
my mama.
my neice's mother & i took her to the hospital the night before last. she's been having premature ventricular contractions since about the end of july. doctor said they're not always a sign of a larger problem & that they're benign more often than not, caused by anything from stress (which my mother has plenty of right now), to lack of sleep, to an actual heart problem. she said that her's weren't anything serious.
my mother also has meniere's disease, which gives her horrid dizzy spells followed by a bad headache on occassion. she has medicine that she takes as needed, but she hasn't had a dizzy spell in a really long time.
thursday night she said she was feelin dizzy. she also said her heart was kinda flip floppin more than usual. i was on the phone w/ dave and while i was talking to him i'd check up on her and at one pt i asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital. she said no, of course, but not long after that she called up to me in my room from the bottom of the steps and said that she'd called neicy and she was gonna go to the emergency room. i was scared shitless. while i was getting my things together to go with them i felt myself panicking and then i just dropped everything and fell to my knees and sent up the most incoherent prayer i'd ever heard myself pray. it was all i cld get out. i think i cried a little bit but i choked it back down, and i kept it down for the rest of the night.
we were there til after 2 am. i got home about 2:30 and called in to leave a msg @ work telling them i wldnt be there the next day (they were very understanding about it). they kept her that night so that they cld run some tests the next day. i called dave back after i called them and cried about a bucket and a half and he let me. i needed that.
neicy and i decided to go back out at about 7:30 the next morning. we stayed til around 1, when she was taken for her last test. i decided to go home. i cldnt take it anymore, man, i hate hospitals. and i hate seein my mommy laid up in a hospital bed. neicy took me home and then went back, which made me feel like a horrible daughter for not staying there the whole time, but i cldnt. the original plan was that i was gonna get some sleep & take a shower and come back, but my mama called me around 5 and said not to cause her guyfriend was there w/ her and she was fine. i think she knew i didnt wanna be there.
later that night she called and said they were gonna let her come home. her heart's perfectly healthy. i cant begin to tell u how relieved i was to hear that & how happy i was to see her.
we're taking better care of ourselves from here on out. starting now.
dallas.
we finally got together & did some catchin up. it was awhile ago, before i started my job. she seems to be doin alright, i suppose. livin w/ some knuckleheaded dude. and his brother. and his baby mama. and they lil girl. uninvitedly. livin on the $9-10 an hr dallas makes. the boyfriend supposedly pays some bills, like the phone bill (which, coincidentally, is now cut off--i tried to call her earlier today and found that out). but does dallas confront the freeloaders and tell them to raise the hell up or pay some rent? no. i swear i always end up wanting to fight all her battles for her. and as far as this boyfriend... im automatically suspicious of every nigga she takes residence with, so unless he's extraordinarily spectacular im sure he's got little chance of gettin on my good side, which is prolly unfair, but fuck it. such is life.
my granny.
i made her cry again today, but i really dont think its my fault. that woman can be one of the meanest, hurtful, venomous people in the world. and to her own family.
me and my mama went shoppin earlier today and we stopped at logan's to have something to eat. i had a doggy bag and i went to put it in the microwave in the kitchen when i got home. my granny was in there. i open the microwave and fine a one-day-old giant ketchup smeared onion ring sitting haphazardly on the microwave tray. i wrinkle my nose.
'what's that?'
'onion rang.' she takes it out. i put my doggy bag in. 'what's that?'
'my dinner.' i smile at her and begin to walk away.
'yall dont never even thank about me.'
she says this to us all the time and its never true. i hear it everytime i leave the house and come back with something in my hand. i never think about her. i dont care about her. she doesnt matter to me. this may sound trivial, but yall to hear your grandmother say this to you? all the fucking time? that shit makes me feel worthless, man, and it got to me this time. i turned and walked back into the kitchen. her back was to me. i spoke to her very calmly & respectfully:
'mama, i really wish you wouldn't say things like that. it's mean and hurtful and not true and it really hurts my feelings when you say things like that to me. please don't.' i was polite, but i spoke w/ conviction and seriousness and a little bit of anger too.
'well, it's true, yall dont. i aint tryna make you feel bad, im just remindin ya, that's all.'
'no it's not true, mama, and you shouldn't say things like that, please--'
'aw, well shit, fine i wont say it no more.'
'thank you.' i turn to storm out. i swear it seemed like she was timing her next line, waiting until i was almost out of ear shot & only slightly hurt & irritated.
'i just wont say nuthin no more. i cain't say nuthin around here.'
'no, mama, u just can't say spiteful, hurtful things around here, and that comment you just made was another hurtful comment too, so please, PLEASE. you really are making me feel bad right now. please dont.' she does it again. i cant hear exactly what she's saying but i can tell by the tone of her voice that she said much of the same thing.
'mama, please. PLEASE!!!!' i'm near tears at this pt. i walk into my mother's room and yell 'WHY DOES SHE DO THAT? WHY DOES SHE SAY THOSE THINGS??!' i slam the door. my mama asks what's wrong. 'nothin, i dont wanna talk about it. u tell her that she can eat whatever's in the microwave. i dont want it anymore.' i slam my door & walk up to my room. i had a lot of angry energy so i cleaned up my room til i was sweating. i had to come downstairs intermittently to bring some dishes into the kitchen, where my grandmother remained, looking out the window and crying.
'mama u can have whatever's in that microwave.' i was still mad at her even though she was crying. maybe i was mad at her because she was crying; there was no reason that she had to. she wldn't be if she wasn't so mean-spirited.
'hon, i dont want that. and i didnt mean to hurt chur feelins neither, i didnt know i would do that.'
i was too upset to say 'it's okay' (because it wasnt okay; she'll do the same thing before the week's out im sure) or 'don't worry about it.' maybe i shld have said 'im sorry, too,' but other than get emotional, i don't know that i did anything wrong. i hold everything in as best i can out of respect but it's impossible to do every time, i guess.
ive been in my room since then.
living with her is so hard.
my neice.
it finally happened. sooner than i thought it wld. she had her first period like a week ago. ive hoped this day wldn't come for a long long time cause she's so much like her mother. she's always tried to be too grown before her time. and now she's literally wearing her mother's shoes and other clothes.
her mother had her when she was 18.
a girl i used to live next to got pregnant and had a baby at 13.
lord plz dont let my baby follow suit.
work.
gettin used to this shit was hard, man.
the first week was really, really rough cause i had to get used to getting up early and going to bed early. it's deeper than that tho; cause like, if im not at work, it seemed like i was getting ready to go. it consumed sooooooo much of my time, man. too much. i hated it.
now? it's much easier. i still dont like the idea of having to do this--having to give up so much of myself to make a fuckin living. this aint for me & i refuse to do this forever, u mark my words. i will either win the lottery or become wildly successful or seduce some filthy rich elderly white man so that he wills his entire estate to me before he kicks the bucket before i actually have to see him nekkid.
aside from that, though, it's a great job. easy work. tolerable ppl. only bad thing about it is that i get paid evry 2 weeks.
and speakin of paid?
got my 1st check today.
$759.92.
i have never ever in my natural life had this much money before.
i went out & spent 80 of it today on some new clothes to wear to work. and now im not spending ANYTHING ELSE. im hoardin my dollars like a muhfka.
oh. cept i might hafta get a new cell phone tomorrow tho if i can. i think mines is finally done for. it wont charge anymore. bitch.
anyway, back to pay day and money
i've decided that each pay period im gonna treat myself to somethin. treat #1:
DSL, NIGGA!!
i ordered it yesterday!!!
hopefully i'll have it up & goin by monday. im so fricken exstatic. i hope my computer holds up tho. the bitch crashed again 2 weeks ago.
school.
gotta get my shit together. i gotta register & start studyin for my GRE, set some funds aside for application fees, get transcripts and reccommendation letters and writing samples together. and do my FAFSA *vomit* fun stuff.
ive decided to apply to Temple, Columbia, and American University so far.
and... that's all i got to report there.
writing.
so yeah. i got my typewriter.
and i still havent written anything.
BUT! im workin on it. sorta. im workin on starting to work on somethin.
neicy, my neice's mama, is writing a book. wunna those cheesy blk romance novel joints. i hate them joints. she gave it to me to read a bit and i was very underwhelmed. once i read the phrase "sexual juices," i was like
...
and she wants me to edit it for her when/if she finishes. i agreed to do it, and i was encouraging cause it really is great to see her so excited about such a venture, and her kids are excited about it too.
i think im gonna try my hand at writing a little somethin later on tonight. hopefully sumthin miraculous will happen. i have sex more often than i write here lately.
and yall
that is some sad, sad shit.
brittany's back.
i cant remember if ive mentioned this here or not, but she and her boyfriend/fiance have moved back to louisville w/ britt's mama. she called me the day before she was to move back and we chit chatted and she awkwardly asked me if i wld mind spendin some time w/ her once she got back, cause she 'hasnt been a very good person' to me. i said sure but it hasnt happened yet. im still not too quick to jump up & put myself out there to get shitted on and brushed aside, and im still not finna just trust her or lean on her like that again. we keep scheduling to do things but they never happen, and it's always b/c of me not being able to go or just not feelin like goin. i think some selfish part of me is doing to her what she's done to me for the past yr and a half. i dunno. i think more than that, tho, what it is is that i always feel like a freakin 3rd wheel w/ them two man. cause he's so damn weird. like, he only talks to brittany. only. example:
imagine the 3 of us out somewhere. i say sumthin funny. richard sits & doesnt respond. brittany turns to richard and goes 'u hear what she said?' she repeats and they talk about it while i sit twiddlin my thumbs. then me and brittany talk some more. lather, rinse, repeat.
or
i say something. richard has a response, but he only says it to brittany, who then turns to me and says 'u hear what he said?' and repeats it.
or
i ask richard a question. he gives me a 3 word answer without looking at me AT ALL.
long story short, i dont really love being out w/ the two of them. ima hafta get another homie to tag along or sumn. that shit gets annoying.
the real world.
my observations thus far-
vonda's missin out on the chocolate brotha goodness.
landon and mj are the funniest lookin white boys ive seen in a minute.
i dont feel so bad droolin at that shot of karamo in that bath towel since he's gay.
everytime the housemates all go on south street i get all nostalgic like 'I PASSED OUT THERE!!!' lol
in conclusion-
i still havent had any beef or pork in over a month. yay me!
Coldchilly: what's funny is...i'm listening to a nelly song...and i swear he stole one of teddy's beat's
TracimusLynnicus: hahaha
Coldchilly: honestly...its hard for me to believe teddy cause he lies about a lot of things...most of the time just to see if people will believe him...but i honestly didn't believe he was in florida until i just went down there to visit him. But i know i heard this beat from him....
TracimusLynnicus: O MY GOSH
TracimusLynnicus: HAHAHAHAHA
TracimusLynnicus: dude
TracimusLynnicus: why did me & brittany not believe him either?!
TracimusLynnicus: lmaooooo
Coldchilly: dude...he lies a lot about random things. I honestly have no idea if he really wrote that song for old girl or not
TracimusLynnicus: what song for who?
Coldchilly: cause...on the one hand....he's not one to be flossing his money by any means...but on the other hand.....what have you seen that he has that would remotley show the reminance of a residual
TracimusLynnicus: preach!!
Coldchilly: 25 reasons by nivea....apparently he ghost wrote that
TracimusLynnicus: !!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: YOU ARE LYING!!
Coldchilly: that's how the story goes
Coldchilly: he didn't want to tell anyone cause...apparently that goes against the laws of ghost writing
Coldchilly: however....his mom said she was reciving check s for him in the mail from it so i half way belive that
TracimusLynnicus: i'd believe miss vonda too
Coldchilly: then on the other hand...he gets really weird whenever new people find out about it...I found out through the wire (aka vonda...) not through him. He says he's really worried that people all gonna be all on him if they find out that he has money...so he doesn't tell people stuff like that
Coldchilly: yeah...but those check could be from anything
Coldchilly: i dunno
TracimusLynnicus: lol
TracimusLynnicus: man
TracimusLynnicus: sean i be suspicious denna mug
Coldchilly: she just knew that they were checks
TracimusLynnicus: but im a known hater
TracimusLynnicus: a known one
TracimusLynnicus: so i be like.. maybe im just hatin
TracimusLynnicus: but then again
Coldchilly: lol
TracimusLynnicus: i be havin the 'girl, boo' face on a lotta the things he tells me
Coldchilly: you be hatin like that though?
TracimusLynnicus: i do, sometimes
Coldchilly: LOL
Coldchilly: i think all good friends of teddy have that face
TracimusLynnicus: like the ebony most eligible bachelor's list?
Coldchilly: GUUUUUUUUUUUUURL BOO
TracimusLynnicus: that got the girl boo face
TracimusLynnicus: hahaha
Coldchilly: YES!!!!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
Coldchilly: he told me that too
Coldchilly: i was just about to bring that up
TracimusLynnicus: he told us both!
TracimusLynnicus: at the same time
TracimusLynnicus: on 3 way
TracimusLynnicus: we laffed really hard
Coldchilly: did he?
TracimusLynnicus: mhmm
Coldchilly: oh...yeah
Coldchilly: yeah i do remember you audably being there
TracimusLynnicus: lol yeah
Coldchilly: and some times i wonder if he does stuff like that to do a friend check...like to see if he can trust us to tell us stuff
Coldchilly: cause like...there's no way
Coldchilly: and then he was supposed to work with saddiq and stuff
TracimusLynnicus: and floetry
TracimusLynnicus: and glenn lewis
Coldchilly: i never know what's real and what's fake
TracimusLynnicus: i believe very little of it, bless his heart
Coldchilly: so i just act as though its all real for real
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
TracimusLynnicus: that's why i never said nuthin
TracimusLynnicus: cause i be like well... sean believes him
Coldchilly: lol
TracimusLynnicus: i aint tryna be the two faceded one
TracimusLynnicus: lol
Coldchilly: i'm always like...oh for real!?!
TracimusLynnicus: YES
TracimusLynnicus: AND SO CONVINCING!
TracimusLynnicus: i be like he canNOT believe this man was gon be in ebony?!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: lol
Coldchilly: my face though...is like....GUUUUUUUUUUUUURL BOOO!!!!!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: lmao!
Coldchilly: i was like....has ebony seen the size of his head?
TracimusLynnicus: HAHAH
TracimusLynnicus: oh noooo!
TracimusLynnicus: he caint help that!
TracimusLynnicus: shame on u
Coldchilly: and honestly...from a buisness stand point...it wouln't have been a bad thing AT ALL to have your face in a mag
TracimusLynnicus: im sayin!
Coldchilly: so that also tips me off that...he can't be poppin off as he says
Coldchilly: and i'm sorry...I am the furthest person in the world at being stuck on myself...but to be asked to be ebony dude of the year or whatever....I WOULDA HOPPED ON THAT IN A SEC!!!!!!!
Coldchilly: i would have been like...yes...i am
TracimusLynnicus: hahaha
Coldchilly: that's ME DAMMIT!!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: 'that's me.. bachelor #16'
Coldchilly: PAGE 12 OTHERSUCKA!!!!!!!!
Coldchilly: lol
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
Coldchilly: anybody would want me with that type of clout!?!
Coldchilly: even you couldn't resist me tracy
Coldchilly: cause i'd be all like...
Coldchilly: PAGE 12 !!!!!!!!!!!!
Coldchilly: and you'd be all like.....*swoon*
TracimusLynnicus: i think i wld.
TracimusLynnicus: i'd be like... what's up w/ a torrid affair or sumn?
Coldchilly: then i'd be all like....don't feel bad gurl.....it happens to everybody
Coldchilly: and i'd be like *pimp smirk* fa shooooooooo
TracimusLynnicus: and then i'd be all like :o(
Coldchilly: it would be beautiful
TracimusLynnicus: but then id thank u for the honor of knowing bachelor # 16
Coldchilly: wait...what is that?
Coldchilly: BACH 16 NIGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Coldchilly: BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAT!!!!!!!!
TracimusLynnicus: lmao
Coldchilly: i don't know what just happend
TracimusLynnicus: neither do i
TracimusLynnicus: i feel like i just testified in church tho
TracimusLynnicus: this has been freeing
i been meanin to update forever. i cant say too much now cause im really tired, so i'll expound on all that im about to say later.
work is fine. it's a good job as far as jobs go but i need to win the lottery very soon. pay day is tomorrow.
i called in today cause my mama's in the hospital. we took her last night & she's still there. i been there all day & im goin back later even tho half of me doesnt want to. i think she'll be okay tho. im still scared.
2 days ago, the ppl from the receptionist place called me to tell me i'd gotten the job. i still hadnt heard from proquest, so i asked her if i cld have a few days before officially accepting or declining the position. she was disappointed cause she'd promised she'd let the other applicants know that day, but she said she'd call me back the next day anyway.
after that i call proquest. i cant get an answer out of the first lady i talk to, who quickly ushers me off the phone. i call back later & ask to speak to someone else. she tells me i did well in my interview, but im not gettin the job. so i call the other place back and accept.
now if u know me well, u (shld) know i aint one to brag and boast,
but dude. check me out.
-starting pay: $12/hr (!!!)
-full benefits
-2 week paid vacation (eventually)
-paid sick days
-17 additional random paid days off
-the icing: $50 extra dollars a month for trapsortation since i happened to mention that i'd be riding the bus. i wasnt expectin that at all; he just threw that in there.
how
amazing
is
THAT?!
and from what i understand the work is easy. receptionist shit. im just waiting for the catch.
oh, by the way, you're expected to perform certain random sexual favors as well.
that'd be some wild shit. i mean im not sayin id do it at all.
...but i aint sayin i wldn't.
hov!
lol no but really.
really.
im excited. and a little nervous. i hope i dont go in and mess up sumn major and like lose a big client like on TV. i gotta go buy new clothes to get thru at least my first week, which i shall do today w/ dallas, & then we're goin out to have a bite to eat & maybe a lil dranky drank to celebrate.
im just fulla other good news too-
like 4-6 weeks ago i went around cyberspace requestin free samples of like evry product known to man. this week, i got some hand cream, some tampons, and im pretty sure i got a condom on the way. merry christmas to me!
and also, i got my first gil scott heron record the other day!!!!!! i didnt even know this particular album existed; ive never seen it before. big ups to my friend orlando for sendin it to me :o)
AND! my mama just called me like 5 mins ago. she's currently outta town workin on some more houses w/ david, where she found.... guess.
cmon, guess.
nope.
nu uh.
NO. give up, nigga!
A TYPEWRITER!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's brangin it home to me tonite!!!! :o)
im very excited a/b that. she says its kinda old, but that's okay w/ me. long as it works. hopefully this'll be the start of sumthin sexy.
tomorrow im goin to a rib fest.
this will be the ultimate challenge of my new no beef/no pork self. cause damn if i dont love me some ribs.
