my brother came in town today. he & i went to my aunt reda's & she gave me a buncha records, one of which was a best of the o-jays 2 record deal. it's playing now.
trav came in town to bring tiara some clothes that he'd bought her and to bring one of his roommates down here to do something. while my granny was gone to church, he, my mother & i just sat around shootin the shit. he asked me about my job. i joked about movin but let him know i was seriously considering it. my mama got mad right off the bat & didnt wanna hear anything bein said.
rewind:
there's an apartmemt complex directly across the street from my job that is now leasing. river view place. used to be called kentucky towers & supposedly used to be a sketchy place, but its under new management & its come up a lot. w/ all the renovating goin on downtown to boost louisvlle's night life, they're targeting white folk to come move downtown. it's very affordable, i think--$390 a month for a studio or 1 br deal. all utilities paid. on-site laundry. pool on the roof. doorman. looks really nice. w/ the money im makin, i cld move there after doin a little saving, and i think it'd be good for me. like i was thinkin i cld get a short term lease for bout 6 mos & experience havin my own place & bein forced to fend for myself the way i'll have to when i move outta this state for grad school. i need that experience now so that if i get up there & cant swing it or sumthin goes wrong, i wont have to suffer the inconvenient drama of not bein able to call my mama & have her help me. plus it's right on the bus line & not far from home or anywhere else i'd ever have to go.
down side--im posed to be savin money for grad school next yr. cant' really do that if im shellin out rent & grocery money each month. or i cld, but i'd have to stay here longer than the yr i have alotted myeslf, which im hestiant & a little afraid to do. i dont wanna get sucked in to stayin here forever.
my brother said today that im impatient, but that gettin my own lil place wldnt be that bad.
my mother thinks it's a horridly stupid idea and doesnt want me to go, not only there, but anywhere. any time i try to talk to her about helping me w/ some logical plans a/b this coming year, she first tries to shove U of L down my throat, and when i try to explain to her why i dont wanna go to school here (which i've had no luck with doing so far), she gets mad and upset and won't listen to anything i try to tell her. as she and my brother and i were talkin about it today she got mad & stormed out, then pulled travis aside and said 'dont talk to her about this anymore, she gets all sad and depressed when you don't agree or tell her somethin she doesnt wanna hear.' part of that is true. it is saddening to discover that my mother doesnt (or refuses to) understand me on this. and it makes me feel like i'm doing a horrible thing in wanting to not live here under this roof with her and my granny forever.
but i mean i cant live for everybody, right?
this isnt coming out as coherently as i wanted it to. forgive, por favor.
my brother was a lot more fair and understanding and logical when i spoke with him about it today. he still thinks im being impatient and probably illogical, too. he thinks a year is too soon to be tryin to go anywhere. my mother acted like she agreed with him there, but hell, she was mad at me for wanting to take a year off before graduate school. he made me question where my head is in all this, if im wanting to move for the right reasons, if im prioritizing the way i need to be. to tell the truth i dont know that i am & im doubting myself very, very seriously right now. hard.
so im thinkin that i can get a lil 6 month lease & get all that experience & stuff (and MY OWN PRIVATE SPACE. good heavens.) and then take whatever i save and just make it work w/ wherever i go. scholarships, loans, fafsa... we made it work last time, why cant we do it again? i wldn't actively ask my family for any financial help, but i have a strong feeling that my mama wld help me of her own volition. why, you ask? cause she told me so. when i brought all this to her the first time, i told her that if i were to get my own place now, i'd probably have to stay here for 2 years to save up instead of 1. to that she responded, 'yeah, and while you were here, you could go to U of L and study, and then transfer when u're ready to go.' but... if i did that, i'd still be saving less money b/c i'd be paying for school at U of L, right? her response: 'well, that's what family's for.'
so. basically. if i stay here awhile and go to u of l, she'll help me. if i stay here a year and move out and then move outta state, she wont. i mean, to me it seems like her helping me out w/ grad school next yr to supplement what i'd lose payin rent @ river view wldn't be that different from her helpin me out w/ u of l to supplement what i'd lose payin rent. right? is my vision skewed?
and am i really being unrealistic?
i dont know what to do. i halfway dont know what i want anymore.
well that's a lie--i know who i want. i just dont know that the immediate future is going to (or should) allow it anymore.
i dunno what to do yall. im open to suggestion. and prayer. lots and lotsa prayer.
