im sittin here in my room alone, as usual, and for the first time in awhile its starting to get to me. im feelin really lonely, so i decided i'd talk to this here blawg for awhile. and for the first time i actually feel like writing. and maybe ill throw some pictures in here and there.
my mama.
my neice's mother & i took her to the hospital the night before last. she's been having premature ventricular contractions since about the end of july. doctor said they're not always a sign of a larger problem & that they're benign more often than not, caused by anything from stress (which my mother has plenty of right now), to lack of sleep, to an actual heart problem. she said that her's weren't anything serious.
my mother also has meniere's disease, which gives her horrid dizzy spells followed by a bad headache on occassion. she has medicine that she takes as needed, but she hasn't had a dizzy spell in a really long time.
thursday night she said she was feelin dizzy. she also said her heart was kinda flip floppin more than usual. i was on the phone w/ dave and while i was talking to him i'd check up on her and at one pt i asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital. she said no, of course, but not long after that she called up to me in my room from the bottom of the steps and said that she'd called neicy and she was gonna go to the emergency room. i was scared shitless. while i was getting my things together to go with them i felt myself panicking and then i just dropped everything and fell to my knees and sent up the most incoherent prayer i'd ever heard myself pray. it was all i cld get out. i think i cried a little bit but i choked it back down, and i kept it down for the rest of the night.
we were there til after 2 am. i got home about 2:30 and called in to leave a msg @ work telling them i wldnt be there the next day (they were very understanding about it). they kept her that night so that they cld run some tests the next day. i called dave back after i called them and cried about a bucket and a half and he let me. i needed that.
neicy and i decided to go back out at about 7:30 the next morning. we stayed til around 1, when she was taken for her last test. i decided to go home. i cldnt take it anymore, man, i hate hospitals. and i hate seein my mommy laid up in a hospital bed. neicy took me home and then went back, which made me feel like a horrible daughter for not staying there the whole time, but i cldnt. the original plan was that i was gonna get some sleep & take a shower and come back, but my mama called me around 5 and said not to cause her guyfriend was there w/ her and she was fine. i think she knew i didnt wanna be there.
later that night she called and said they were gonna let her come home. her heart's perfectly healthy. i cant begin to tell u how relieved i was to hear that & how happy i was to see her.
we're taking better care of ourselves from here on out. starting now.
dallas.
we finally got together & did some catchin up. it was awhile ago, before i started my job. she seems to be doin alright, i suppose. livin w/ some knuckleheaded dude. and his brother. and his baby mama. and they lil girl. uninvitedly. livin on the $9-10 an hr dallas makes. the boyfriend supposedly pays some bills, like the phone bill (which, coincidentally, is now cut off--i tried to call her earlier today and found that out). but does dallas confront the freeloaders and tell them to raise the hell up or pay some rent? no. i swear i always end up wanting to fight all her battles for her. and as far as this boyfriend... im automatically suspicious of every nigga she takes residence with, so unless he's extraordinarily spectacular im sure he's got little chance of gettin on my good side, which is prolly unfair, but fuck it. such is life.
my granny.
i made her cry again today, but i really dont think its my fault. that woman can be one of the meanest, hurtful, venomous people in the world. and to her own family.
me and my mama went shoppin earlier today and we stopped at logan's to have something to eat. i had a doggy bag and i went to put it in the microwave in the kitchen when i got home. my granny was in there. i open the microwave and fine a one-day-old giant ketchup smeared onion ring sitting haphazardly on the microwave tray. i wrinkle my nose.
'what's that?'
'onion rang.' she takes it out. i put my doggy bag in. 'what's that?'
'my dinner.' i smile at her and begin to walk away.
'yall dont never even thank about me.'
she says this to us all the time and its never true. i hear it everytime i leave the house and come back with something in my hand. i never think about her. i dont care about her. she doesnt matter to me. this may sound trivial, but yall to hear your grandmother say this to you? all the fucking time? that shit makes me feel worthless, man, and it got to me this time. i turned and walked back into the kitchen. her back was to me. i spoke to her very calmly & respectfully:
'mama, i really wish you wouldn't say things like that. it's mean and hurtful and not true and it really hurts my feelings when you say things like that to me. please don't.' i was polite, but i spoke w/ conviction and seriousness and a little bit of anger too.
'well, it's true, yall dont. i aint tryna make you feel bad, im just remindin ya, that's all.'
'no it's not true, mama, and you shouldn't say things like that, please--'
'aw, well shit, fine i wont say it no more.'
'thank you.' i turn to storm out. i swear it seemed like she was timing her next line, waiting until i was almost out of ear shot & only slightly hurt & irritated.
'i just wont say nuthin no more. i cain't say nuthin around here.'
'no, mama, u just can't say spiteful, hurtful things around here, and that comment you just made was another hurtful comment too, so please, PLEASE. you really are making me feel bad right now. please dont.' she does it again. i cant hear exactly what she's saying but i can tell by the tone of her voice that she said much of the same thing.
'mama, please. PLEASE!!!!' i'm near tears at this pt. i walk into my mother's room and yell 'WHY DOES SHE DO THAT? WHY DOES SHE SAY THOSE THINGS??!' i slam the door. my mama asks what's wrong. 'nothin, i dont wanna talk about it. u tell her that she can eat whatever's in the microwave. i dont want it anymore.' i slam my door & walk up to my room. i had a lot of angry energy so i cleaned up my room til i was sweating. i had to come downstairs intermittently to bring some dishes into the kitchen, where my grandmother remained, looking out the window and crying.
'mama u can have whatever's in that microwave.' i was still mad at her even though she was crying. maybe i was mad at her because she was crying; there was no reason that she had to. she wldn't be if she wasn't so mean-spirited.
'hon, i dont want that. and i didnt mean to hurt chur feelins neither, i didnt know i would do that.'
i was too upset to say 'it's okay' (because it wasnt okay; she'll do the same thing before the week's out im sure) or 'don't worry about it.' maybe i shld have said 'im sorry, too,' but other than get emotional, i don't know that i did anything wrong. i hold everything in as best i can out of respect but it's impossible to do every time, i guess.
ive been in my room since then.
living with her is so hard.
my neice.
it finally happened. sooner than i thought it wld. she had her first period like a week ago. ive hoped this day wldn't come for a long long time cause she's so much like her mother. she's always tried to be too grown before her time. and now she's literally wearing her mother's shoes and other clothes.
her mother had her when she was 18.
a girl i used to live next to got pregnant and had a baby at 13.
lord plz dont let my baby follow suit.
work.
gettin used to this shit was hard, man.
the first week was really, really rough cause i had to get used to getting up early and going to bed early. it's deeper than that tho; cause like, if im not at work, it seemed like i was getting ready to go. it consumed sooooooo much of my time, man. too much. i hated it.
now? it's much easier. i still dont like the idea of having to do this--having to give up so much of myself to make a fuckin living. this aint for me & i refuse to do this forever, u mark my words. i will either win the lottery or become wildly successful or seduce some filthy rich elderly white man so that he wills his entire estate to me before he kicks the bucket before i actually have to see him nekkid.
aside from that, though, it's a great job. easy work. tolerable ppl. only bad thing about it is that i get paid evry 2 weeks.
and speakin of paid?
got my 1st check today.
$759.92.
i have never ever in my natural life had this much money before.
i went out & spent 80 of it today on some new clothes to wear to work. and now im not spending ANYTHING ELSE. im hoardin my dollars like a muhfka.
oh. cept i might hafta get a new cell phone tomorrow tho if i can. i think mines is finally done for. it wont charge anymore. bitch.
anyway, back to pay day and money
i've decided that each pay period im gonna treat myself to somethin. treat #1:
DSL, NIGGA!!
i ordered it yesterday!!!
hopefully i'll have it up & goin by monday. im so fricken exstatic. i hope my computer holds up tho. the bitch crashed again 2 weeks ago.
school.
gotta get my shit together. i gotta register & start studyin for my GRE, set some funds aside for application fees, get transcripts and reccommendation letters and writing samples together. and do my FAFSA *vomit* fun stuff.
ive decided to apply to Temple, Columbia, and American University so far.
and... that's all i got to report there.
writing.
so yeah. i got my typewriter.
and i still havent written anything.
BUT! im workin on it. sorta. im workin on starting to work on somethin.
neicy, my neice's mama, is writing a book. wunna those cheesy blk romance novel joints. i hate them joints. she gave it to me to read a bit and i was very underwhelmed. once i read the phrase "sexual juices," i was like
...
and she wants me to edit it for her when/if she finishes. i agreed to do it, and i was encouraging cause it really is great to see her so excited about such a venture, and her kids are excited about it too.
i think im gonna try my hand at writing a little somethin later on tonight. hopefully sumthin miraculous will happen. i have sex more often than i write here lately.
and yall
that is some sad, sad shit.
brittany's back.
i cant remember if ive mentioned this here or not, but she and her boyfriend/fiance have moved back to louisville w/ britt's mama. she called me the day before she was to move back and we chit chatted and she awkwardly asked me if i wld mind spendin some time w/ her once she got back, cause she 'hasnt been a very good person' to me. i said sure but it hasnt happened yet. im still not too quick to jump up & put myself out there to get shitted on and brushed aside, and im still not finna just trust her or lean on her like that again. we keep scheduling to do things but they never happen, and it's always b/c of me not being able to go or just not feelin like goin. i think some selfish part of me is doing to her what she's done to me for the past yr and a half. i dunno. i think more than that, tho, what it is is that i always feel like a freakin 3rd wheel w/ them two man. cause he's so damn weird. like, he only talks to brittany. only. example:
imagine the 3 of us out somewhere. i say sumthin funny. richard sits & doesnt respond. brittany turns to richard and goes 'u hear what she said?' she repeats and they talk about it while i sit twiddlin my thumbs. then me and brittany talk some more. lather, rinse, repeat.
or
i say something. richard has a response, but he only says it to brittany, who then turns to me and says 'u hear what he said?' and repeats it.
or
i ask richard a question. he gives me a 3 word answer without looking at me AT ALL.
long story short, i dont really love being out w/ the two of them. ima hafta get another homie to tag along or sumn. that shit gets annoying.
the real world.
my observations thus far-
vonda's missin out on the chocolate brotha goodness.
landon and mj are the funniest lookin white boys ive seen in a minute.
i dont feel so bad droolin at that shot of karamo in that bath towel since he's gay.
everytime the housemates all go on south street i get all nostalgic like 'I PASSED OUT THERE!!!' lol
in conclusion-
i still havent had any beef or pork in over a month. yay me!
