yesterday was my big brother's birthday. he's 30. we were gonna go see him last weekend but my mama didnt feel well so we didnt make the trip up to innanapolis.
a week ago i came home to find my mama very visibly upset. upset as in mad. mad as in pissed. i asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. i climbed up in the bed w/ her and she tossed me a white envelope. inside was a letter, typed in all capital letters. it was from my brother (i think he typed in all caps so he wldnt have to worry about proper capitalization). i read it.
yrs ago my brother got caught up with this crazy hoodrat named stephanie. stephanie had him arrested several times, each time unjustly. once she went over his house in a rage at something, broke into his house with a brick when he wldnt let her in, snatched the herringbone chain, called the police and said he threw her down a hill (note: there is no hill near the house he was staying ten). another time i remember going over to her house with my mother one rainy midnight to find a street full of police cars w/ flashing lights, my brother's face full of tears, and stephanie standing on her porch watching and smiling like a queen. when my eldest neice was 2, she called stephanie's house and left a very profane message on her phone ('leave my daddy alone, fuck you, stephanie, i hate you) for which she got a huge whoopin for. children know. tiara hated her.
my mother and i are just above hating stephanie.
trav's the only reason we dont hate her fully now.
his letter said that he knew that we wldnt approve of her (my mother in particular), but he loves her and she's grown up a lot as ppl do, and he wants us (mainly my mother) to accept her and respect his decision. my mother is stull full of her motherly rage and wants nothing to do with her. i was so proud when i read his letter that i accepted her immediately. cant say i forgive her, but i have come a long way from keeping one of our louisville sluggers behind the front door just in case she came over trippin.
so for his birthday, i wrote my brother a long letter telling him that i love him very much and that im very proud of him for what he did, and i explained to him why ive been so silent about my lil romantic life or whatever (mostly that reason is my mother) and i told him that i admire him & his courage.
happy birfday big bruvvah.
today.
M A N .
let
me
tell
YOU!
so ive never been one to have pms, right? like the sympoms--the hysterics, the cravings, the high emotional sensitivity, the crying for no reason, the cramps--none of that. i do be gettin crazy bloated tho. but hell im bloated damn near 360 days of the yr. im just a gassy girl.
anyway
today i had my 2nd crazy menstral woman mood swing in my history of egg makin. and yall i didnt even realize it til it was over. im at work, talkin to my favorite person on IM (he be keepin me company 7 of the 8 hrs im there). and we're talkin about the silliest of shit, right, i mean we may as wella been discussin which breakfast cereal is worthy of bein eaten for lunch and i got so worked up. over nothing! n o t h i n g ! and yall i just wld not just let the shit die but i swear foe god i was rational and logical and right in my mind.
and cryin all damn day.
all day! at my desk! wtf.
and so i said i didnt wanna talk about fruit loops and cap'n crunch no more for what mustve been the 8th time and it hits-
'man i just wanna forget about today cause im just diggin the hole deeper and OH SHIT!!!'
that's when i realized what it was!!
yall it seemed like this huge ominous black sky just opened up and lifted and the sunshine started pourin in and then we just laffed about it.
that's crazy man.
i dont see how yall womenfolk go thru that shit every month and emerge sane for the last 28 days. once every 7-8 yrs is more than enough for me.
i just called her to see how her job search was going & she told me. she thought that candis had already told me (since she'd told her earlier today) & figured that's why i was callin. i was shocked. usually i have premonitions but this came out of left field.
so that was my initial reaction.
shock.
2nd reaction:
anger?
i do feel mad @ her & im ashamed about that, especially since at this pt i dont know why. i mean, logically i can recognize that im disappointed that they were so irresponsible, especially when she and her fiance can't find jobs and have no money and are living in her mother's matchbox of a house. if she thought they were struggling before, oh boy--here come tomorrow.
but there's something else.
ive never been able to get over shit. i hold grudges, like ive said here before. that's prolly why.
in the back of my mind, somewhere deep in a place that im afraid to admit, im mad because i know now that she's tied for life to this nigga that fucked up our sistership in the first place. im wrong for that thought, i know. i was angry at them both for a long time. im also particularly upset that she moved back here and tried to move on like its all good & always has been w/ what felt to me like an apology that held no more weight than the last one. she meant so much to me & i hated her for treating me the way that she did, regardless of what was going on w/ her. i felt like i at least deserved an explanation. i never got one & im mad at that.
i never demanded one, tho. im mad at that too.
im not good at gettin all personal w/ friends. i shld have told her straight up a long fuckin time ago how i was feelin but i didnt & i never do. typically when i get to that pt w/ friends we just fall off & stop talking and eventually part ways all together. i had a best friend named shonda who lived next door to me when i was little. she moved when i began high school. i was heart broken. they moved on the day that my mother and granny and i left for my family reunion and i remember seeing her and her little sister standing in their broken screen door that saturday august morning, still in their night shirts, faces pressed against the smudged glass. they looked so sad. i think maybe i waved bye, but i never said it. i never told them bye, never told them id miss them. and that was it. ive talked to her no more than 5 times since then.
im just not good with that sort of thing.
and i dont wanna write a letter or anything cause im too grown for that shit now. i shld be, anyway.
i dunno, yo.
and sumthin else too
im mad at me and jealous of her for not having her strength & courage. i mean, here she is, done told her mother she's gonna be a mother and i cant even tell mine that im in love. ive always felt like i stood in her shadow in that respect. i was the socially attractive, moderately intelligent tag-along.
i gotta learn to get over shit cause i wanna be there for her and this baby. her dude actually spoke to me today--he answered when i called--it was forced and formal but it's a hell of a breakthrough. dude rarely even looks at me when we share the same space. so ive gotta get used to that & him. and ive gotta stop being so timid. i have to stop avoiding her and wondering if she's feelin at all like i felt that yr and a half she left me.
if i ever tried to say any of this to her id cry, i know it. how much do i suck.
i need some work, yo.
she said she'd call me tomorrow and maybe we'd do something or watch a movie or something. as usual, i immediately started thinking of reasons and excuses to not answer her call.
i think this is a big part of why i wanna move so badly. if im not in this city then i wont have to face the ghosts of broken friendships that i never had the guts to repair.
ive gotta get over that. im gonna be there for her and this kid. watch.
wish her well, yall.
i am jealous and vengeful
and spiteful
and i hold grudges til they're plainly emblazoned w/ my palm prints
i feel bad a/b this but i am not ashamed
i've known a/b the green lurking beneath my skin for awhile
but ive never felt it like i feel it now on occasion
b/c ive never had such a good & beautiful reason to
jealousy is like salt
a lil bit adds flavor
too much spoils a meal
when someone else wants (or perhaps has had) what u have its a subtle indicator that u got sumthin good
and when their wanting is enuff for u to notice
and u smile but u're really biting the inside of ur cheek to keep the swears at bay
and u tap ur foot to whatever song is playing but u cant keep time b/c the beat gets lost in the slow riot swelling in ur heart valves & the sound of ur blood gently boiling and growing warmer
and u still have the presence of mind to know that u're being jealous
and u think of him and u're reminded of why
i think that the heart grows fonder then
& when u take ur feelings to him and lay them in ur lap & u laugh about them
& u want nothing else but to brush those feelings onto the floor & take their place upon his thighs
and work off all that jealous energy
that has to be the best tasting concoction of anything ever created
but
when u begin to reevaluate urself
feel like less of the person u know u are or shld be or wanna be
& u're just consumed in whatifs and looking at the pot in ur belly & the dimples in ur ass & the blemishes on ur face and wondering how on earth u can keep the treasure u were given
then the meat is spoiled
the bread & potatoes turn to ash in ur mouth
the wine to vinegar
& everything is ruined
i admit to both perfecting and ruining some meals
all & all i consider myself a pretty good in the kitchen (only metaphorically of course)
i laugh @ myself most of the time
but sometimes i worry and become enraged and hurt when i shldnt
but i know that this happens b/c the situation is compounded by 700 miles and a craving that cannot be contained these days
i love him.
he is my best friend and i want to tell him everything and always hope that he alotts me that same factor of honesty
there have been issues that we tiptoed around
prolly afraid of what wld come of discussing them
prolly afraid of looking foolish before the other
but we discussed them & instantly i felt closer to him, even from so far away
i learned some things about myself
and about him
what can i say to keep u down/what can i say to keep u down/what can i say to keep ur love around me?
i want all of his time, mainly because i only see him like once every 6 months.
i get momentarily depressed whenever he leaves me to go somewhere
not b/c im afraid he's goin to lay up with some other lady b/c i know better
but b/c that down time is leisure time that we'd potentially get to spend together were we not so far apart
not being able to be there has made me want to always be there
when i can, it saddens me for a bit
forgive me for quoting beyonce, but its just like she said in 'dangerously in love-'
'my happiest moments weren't complete if u weren't by my side'
i feel that way. there are things that i want to share and be a part of and i have a feeling im not making sense anymore
but that is one facet of my greeness
we discussed our past... things
ppl we were interested in/were interested in us/still are/whatever
i realized that i am cursed w/ naivite (i have no clue how to spell that word) in this big ol monopoly board of friends & lovers & whatevers
i have a gross optimism and faith in platonic friendships
i like to think that guys and girls really can be friends and nothing but friends
and really, i still think that they can
but i put too much faith in that belief
after that first thing or whatever w/ teddy, i tried to go back to being just friends
juuuuuuuuust friends
platonic like a muhfuka
& look what happent
i have been leaning hard on this tenant & ive been wondering lately if my blind faith has led to me being insensitive
i wonder if it seemed that i was flamboyant and wearing these past occassions and occurrances airbrushed on big bright flourescent orange sweatshirts with no regard to how it may make him feel
i kicked myself in the ass the night that we discussed things because i felt that i shld have known better
i vowed never ever ever again to mention any of my male friends to him ever b/c i dont want him to be hurt or green enough to spoil our meal
but i dont want to keep things from him
i dont want to walk on eggshells & bite my tongue & change anything of who i am
& now i dont feel like i have to
still
knowing what's been going on so many miles away
it's difficult for me to mention any of my friends to him or want to go anywhere or even talk to them for fear that i'll step out of line like i may have in the past (unintentionally, of course)
part of growing up is learning to stand on my own when i know that im right
or at least that im not wrong
we both have some adapting and adjusting to do when it comes to other wo/men
cause i know of all (i think) his past crushers and crushees
i know of a certain young lady who thinks she had his interest dangling at the end of her pinky finger
and i believe sincerely wants to rub my nose in her disillusion
and at the lowest, most barbaric, fiery, childish, catty level of myself
i wanna present her with the most disrespectful reality check ever
& top it off w/ a very real & heartfelt promise to snatch her bald
but i am better than that
& i know that he, like me, is exposed on occassion to young ladies he once had feelings for
& i now know what its like to feel like one of those petty little girls that ive always talked about & looked down at
this is new to me
ive never had anyone worth feeling this way over
so im growing and dealing and changing
or trying to at least
and im trying to not hate 1 or 2 young ladies
& be civil
and i think im doing a good job of that.
(...but i swear before the baby jesus & anyone else interested
that if pushed
i will beat a bitch ass if given the opportunity
im not a violent person but im so sinsurr
it'd be a last resort
but i have a short fuse and im not scared to take an L
dangerous combo if im ever taken for a punk.)
i am always very wary of airing personal business here
even though it is a space for such divulging
but i am very aware of who reads and who cld be reading
but this has been swimming around in my head all weekend
not really bothering me
more like fascinating me
but i know that i wont be able to function @ work (which is going swell, btw) unless i pull the cork out
and let is all out somewhere
