i just called her to see how her job search was going & she told me. she thought that candis had already told me (since she'd told her earlier today) & figured that's why i was callin. i was shocked. usually i have premonitions but this came out of left field.
so that was my initial reaction.
shock.
2nd reaction:
anger?
i do feel mad @ her & im ashamed about that, especially since at this pt i dont know why. i mean, logically i can recognize that im disappointed that they were so irresponsible, especially when she and her fiance can't find jobs and have no money and are living in her mother's matchbox of a house. if she thought they were struggling before, oh boy--here come tomorrow.
but there's something else.
ive never been able to get over shit. i hold grudges, like ive said here before. that's prolly why.
in the back of my mind, somewhere deep in a place that im afraid to admit, im mad because i know now that she's tied for life to this nigga that fucked up our sistership in the first place. im wrong for that thought, i know. i was angry at them both for a long time. im also particularly upset that she moved back here and tried to move on like its all good & always has been w/ what felt to me like an apology that held no more weight than the last one. she meant so much to me & i hated her for treating me the way that she did, regardless of what was going on w/ her. i felt like i at least deserved an explanation. i never got one & im mad at that.
i never demanded one, tho. im mad at that too.
im not good at gettin all personal w/ friends. i shld have told her straight up a long fuckin time ago how i was feelin but i didnt & i never do. typically when i get to that pt w/ friends we just fall off & stop talking and eventually part ways all together. i had a best friend named shonda who lived next door to me when i was little. she moved when i began high school. i was heart broken. they moved on the day that my mother and granny and i left for my family reunion and i remember seeing her and her little sister standing in their broken screen door that saturday august morning, still in their night shirts, faces pressed against the smudged glass. they looked so sad. i think maybe i waved bye, but i never said it. i never told them bye, never told them id miss them. and that was it. ive talked to her no more than 5 times since then.
im just not good with that sort of thing.
and i dont wanna write a letter or anything cause im too grown for that shit now. i shld be, anyway.
i dunno, yo.
and sumthin else too
im mad at me and jealous of her for not having her strength & courage. i mean, here she is, done told her mother she's gonna be a mother and i cant even tell mine that im in love. ive always felt like i stood in her shadow in that respect. i was the socially attractive, moderately intelligent tag-along.
i gotta learn to get over shit cause i wanna be there for her and this baby. her dude actually spoke to me today--he answered when i called--it was forced and formal but it's a hell of a breakthrough. dude rarely even looks at me when we share the same space. so ive gotta get used to that & him. and ive gotta stop being so timid. i have to stop avoiding her and wondering if she's feelin at all like i felt that yr and a half she left me.
if i ever tried to say any of this to her id cry, i know it. how much do i suck.
i need some work, yo.
she said she'd call me tomorrow and maybe we'd do something or watch a movie or something. as usual, i immediately started thinking of reasons and excuses to not answer her call.
i think this is a big part of why i wanna move so badly. if im not in this city then i wont have to face the ghosts of broken friendships that i never had the guts to repair.
ive gotta get over that. im gonna be there for her and this kid. watch.
wish her well, yall.
