i am jealous and vengeful
and spiteful
and i hold grudges til they're plainly emblazoned w/ my palm prints
i feel bad a/b this but i am not ashamed
i've known a/b the green lurking beneath my skin for awhile
but ive never felt it like i feel it now on occasion
b/c ive never had such a good & beautiful reason to
jealousy is like salt
a lil bit adds flavor
too much spoils a meal
when someone else wants (or perhaps has had) what u have its a subtle indicator that u got sumthin good
and when their wanting is enuff for u to notice
and u smile but u're really biting the inside of ur cheek to keep the swears at bay
and u tap ur foot to whatever song is playing but u cant keep time b/c the beat gets lost in the slow riot swelling in ur heart valves & the sound of ur blood gently boiling and growing warmer
and u still have the presence of mind to know that u're being jealous
and u think of him and u're reminded of why
i think that the heart grows fonder then
& when u take ur feelings to him and lay them in ur lap & u laugh about them
& u want nothing else but to brush those feelings onto the floor & take their place upon his thighs
and work off all that jealous energy
that has to be the best tasting concoction of anything ever created
but
when u begin to reevaluate urself
feel like less of the person u know u are or shld be or wanna be
& u're just consumed in whatifs and looking at the pot in ur belly & the dimples in ur ass & the blemishes on ur face and wondering how on earth u can keep the treasure u were given
then the meat is spoiled
the bread & potatoes turn to ash in ur mouth
the wine to vinegar
& everything is ruined
i admit to both perfecting and ruining some meals
all & all i consider myself a pretty good in the kitchen (only metaphorically of course)
i laugh @ myself most of the time
but sometimes i worry and become enraged and hurt when i shldnt
but i know that this happens b/c the situation is compounded by 700 miles and a craving that cannot be contained these days
i love him.
he is my best friend and i want to tell him everything and always hope that he alotts me that same factor of honesty
there have been issues that we tiptoed around
prolly afraid of what wld come of discussing them
prolly afraid of looking foolish before the other
but we discussed them & instantly i felt closer to him, even from so far away
i learned some things about myself
and about him
what can i say to keep u down/what can i say to keep u down/what can i say to keep ur love around me?
i want all of his time, mainly because i only see him like once every 6 months.
i get momentarily depressed whenever he leaves me to go somewhere
not b/c im afraid he's goin to lay up with some other lady b/c i know better
but b/c that down time is leisure time that we'd potentially get to spend together were we not so far apart
not being able to be there has made me want to always be there
when i can, it saddens me for a bit
forgive me for quoting beyonce, but its just like she said in 'dangerously in love-'
'my happiest moments weren't complete if u weren't by my side'
i feel that way. there are things that i want to share and be a part of and i have a feeling im not making sense anymore
but that is one facet of my greeness
we discussed our past... things
ppl we were interested in/were interested in us/still are/whatever
i realized that i am cursed w/ naivite (i have no clue how to spell that word) in this big ol monopoly board of friends & lovers & whatevers
i have a gross optimism and faith in platonic friendships
i like to think that guys and girls really can be friends and nothing but friends
and really, i still think that they can
but i put too much faith in that belief
after that first thing or whatever w/ teddy, i tried to go back to being just friends
juuuuuuuuust friends
platonic like a muhfuka
& look what happent
i have been leaning hard on this tenant & ive been wondering lately if my blind faith has led to me being insensitive
i wonder if it seemed that i was flamboyant and wearing these past occassions and occurrances airbrushed on big bright flourescent orange sweatshirts with no regard to how it may make him feel
i kicked myself in the ass the night that we discussed things because i felt that i shld have known better
i vowed never ever ever again to mention any of my male friends to him ever b/c i dont want him to be hurt or green enough to spoil our meal
but i dont want to keep things from him
i dont want to walk on eggshells & bite my tongue & change anything of who i am
& now i dont feel like i have to
still
knowing what's been going on so many miles away
it's difficult for me to mention any of my friends to him or want to go anywhere or even talk to them for fear that i'll step out of line like i may have in the past (unintentionally, of course)
part of growing up is learning to stand on my own when i know that im right
or at least that im not wrong
we both have some adapting and adjusting to do when it comes to other wo/men
cause i know of all (i think) his past crushers and crushees
i know of a certain young lady who thinks she had his interest dangling at the end of her pinky finger
and i believe sincerely wants to rub my nose in her disillusion
and at the lowest, most barbaric, fiery, childish, catty level of myself
i wanna present her with the most disrespectful reality check ever
& top it off w/ a very real & heartfelt promise to snatch her bald
but i am better than that
& i know that he, like me, is exposed on occassion to young ladies he once had feelings for
& i now know what its like to feel like one of those petty little girls that ive always talked about & looked down at
this is new to me
ive never had anyone worth feeling this way over
so im growing and dealing and changing
or trying to at least
and im trying to not hate 1 or 2 young ladies
& be civil
and i think im doing a good job of that.
(...but i swear before the baby jesus & anyone else interested
that if pushed
i will beat a bitch ass if given the opportunity
im not a violent person but im so sinsurr
it'd be a last resort
but i have a short fuse and im not scared to take an L
dangerous combo if im ever taken for a punk.)
i am always very wary of airing personal business here
even though it is a space for such divulging
but i am very aware of who reads and who cld be reading
but this has been swimming around in my head all weekend
not really bothering me
more like fascinating me
but i know that i wont be able to function @ work (which is going swell, btw) unless i pull the cork out
and let is all out somewhere
