it wasnt posed to be in poem form. just happent that way.
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god.
we are flawed and it is showing
something has gone wrong somewhere we cant fix it ourselves and this is showing
we're craving something that cant be found hungering for something that wont be given and so we're eating our own beautiful brown young
we are flawed and it is showing
after 400 yrs of aridness this cannot be the thirst that leaves us dry choking on our own tongues and self-promises
we have forgotten you and it is showing
we are hiding you from our children we are burying u alive in stained glass religion we are renaming u we are angry and hurt and discouraged and lost and proud and we are forgetting you and ourselves
there is something in the way of our sons and daughters crouching in their paths laying in ambush at their feet numbing their heels so that when we discover the wound it is too late
we are trying to make gardens of miles of concrete watering it w/ our blood pouring over it our stolen lives regurgitated smiles wasted dreams untapped potential the robbed fingers of painters the broken choruses of unwritten songs
we have no gardens only our problems grow stronger
we believe that we give birth to ourselves we have forgotten you and it is showing
first tho, before i forget-- nay, davey, kurris... great seein yall @ the concert weekend before last. jacky, it was nice briefly meeting u. i swear u're like 4 ft 9. much shorter than i expected.
and sorry for the lack of updatery, but everything is fine. work's fine, home's fine, blah blah blah. havent had nothin to report so i aint reported nothin.
and fuck bush.
but yeah... weather's changing.
getting colder. this is when i always think a/b them. my cousins, ty and dedrick. i m sure ive mentioned them here before but if i havent, or if u havent been tuning in til recently (i see u, g), my cousin dee shot and killed his girlfriend i guess about 3 yrs ago, maybe. maybe 4; ive lost track of time. he then shot himself in the head.
2-3 months later his brother tyrone killed himself too.
both of them left behind a baby a piece, one girl, one boy.
i dont remember when they happened, but i remember spending tha thanksgiving fresh outta the 1st funeral. so i always think about dee come november, and naturally i think ab ty too.
ill reflect on them more later.
i just wrote this tho, inspired by dave's collaboration call on the freestyle boards:
slipped quietly into her life and stole her
heart
w/ my shyness
i was so afraid
a boy of 20
maybe 21
and i took her from her babyhood
and gave her one of her own
i was so afraid
a boy
never had a puppy
or a daddy
when the baby came i had both
i was daddy to baby
& her mama was my bitch
loyal
cause she was afraid not to be
a woman
in a woman's body
trembling like a girlchild
she was to be forevermine
i was hers when i wanted to be
the baby was porcelain
w/ coal blk hair
a doll i was afraid to touch for fear of breaking
or smudging
or fingerprinting
my lord, leave no trace of me here
having her
and having her have my baby
wasnt enuff so
i clipped her wings cause
i envied their span
feared their lift
mine hadnt grown in yet cause
i was still a boy
when i kissed her i kissed her hard
claimed and swallowed her smile
i hated mine cause i still had
baby teeth
and when she said she'd run
when she said she'd wind away from me
i felt like a man w/ that gun in my hand
having that baby didnt make me a man
i thought for sure that owning her mother
would
i sought to sup from the gunpowder
siphon sampson's strength
and grow
a man
shit, always been a man
just a late bloomer
id be
fertilized by the residue in my palms
but instead it burned
my hands
barren
my baby
motherless
i
a father no more
fatherless
again
a scared lil baby boy
growth stunted
stolen
i felt like a man w/ that gun in my hand
when i aimed at babymama i
shot myself in the hind quarter
& stood a stunning
useless
sickened steed
