i had a fight w/ my mama today. loud words, tears, alla that.
i dont even feel like talkin abt it but i dont have anyone to talk to right now.
long story short, i come home today, hungry. moms is like, im bout to take the little one home (my middle niece) so come on and we'll get sumn to eat. bet.
before we leave the house my mother mentions to my granny in so many words not to let the skillet she's got heating on the stove burn. she burns skillets like all the time. she tells her this in her usual stern manner. i didnt think anything of it.
we get in the car. my granny's on the porch piddlin w/ the christmas decorations she put in her flowerpot. as we pull out of the driveway my mother's snappin abt it to herself, which i thought was sorta silly. and i said so. my mama thinks im talkin abt the way she told her not to let her skillet burn and gets super duper pissed.
now granted, my mama's sick and not feelin well cause she's caught the baby's cold. but she completely blew up, drivin all exasperated, lettin me know she's mad. i didnt say nothin abt it until she whipped into the mcdonald's drive thru all crazy.
'uhm okay, why are u drivin like this?'
and then she just starts goin off, abt how it's hard enough watchin my granny do shit that she shld do and have to worry abt whether she's gonna be okay when she gets home from work, abt how the last thing she needs is me criticizing her all the time abt how she talks to and treats my granny (which, granted, she does speak to her a little roughly but it's b/c she's stressed and worried and scared and concerned and frustrated).
yall, i dont be criticizin that woman. if anything i just hold my tongue and listen to all that goes on, which is taking its toll on me. whenever i say anything to my mama she blows up at me. not like she did today, tho. she's never gotten that mad at me and what trips me out is the this time it was for no reason at all!! i never said ANYTHING abt what she said to my granny in the kitchen. never once. so i was shocked when she started talkin abt it.
she's in the car all mad in the drive thru, snappin at the lady takin her order, takin off her hat and smackin her steering wheel and the whole time im like "?!?!?!" so i figure that while we're on the subject i need to get some shit offa my chest on the matter. i dont remember exactly what was said but i do remember some exchanges:
i dont mean to criticize you or be harsh or anything like that, but u've got to understand how it feels for me to be stuck in the middle and to not wanna come home some nights cause u know what's gonna happen-- and you've gotta understand what it's like not to wanna come home at all, any night!
i meant to tell her that i do understand.
what happened today in that kitchen was not a big deal! my family is falling apart, and that IS a big deal to me! your family is not falling apart-- it IS, it's slowly falling a part and that's a big deal!!
i think that hurt her some.
i cant say one thing to that woman without her boo-hooin! and i cant say one thing to you without this, without you exploding!!
here's what really hurt her though, i think:
im goin home and workin on my college applications so i can get outta here--this is the main reason why i wanna leave and go back to school.
i wished i cld take that back as we drove down broadway, but more than that i wished that it wasnt true.
we pulled up and she didn't park in the driveway. just pulled up in front of the house and waited for me to get out. i thanked her for buying my dinner and she didnt say anything.
i havent talked to her since. she's in her room sleeping now; i dont know where she went when she pulled off.
i started cryin silently in b/t yellin in the middle of that convo and when i got home i called my baby and cried some more. now he's out w/ his homies and i feel like, the alonest of the alone right now. it reminds me of all the miles b/t us and this whole night reminds me of the things i need to change in my life.
and this is a bit of an aside, but sorta on the same note
im gettin fat yo. fuck the bullshit and i aint on some low self-esteem shit. it's a factual observation that i blame winter, not having any control over the food in this house, and the holidays for. this?
gone. (c) n'sync
*le sigh*
i stay on some 'im gonna change my life and eat nothing but fiber' shit but its hard, especially @ this time of yr and especially in this house.
so yeah. news of the nite. think ima lay in the bed and read til my phone rings.
