not too much to report. just a buncha odds & ends.
im officially not goin to florida for spring break. dont have the money. or the patience, really.. i have a distinct feeling. so ill be at home tryna stay away from home.
maybe ill track dallas down.
oh, & okp illegal said he & his friend will be in town visiting some girl. i told him id show him around. which shld take all of 20 mintues.
im broke.
sooo broke.
man, i went to the store last nite & bought 11 dollars worth of food. i now have $5. maybe 6. i felt so bad after i got back to my room, wishin i hadnta went at all, but damn, i gotta eat.
i got a lil gift for my pookie poo but to thank him for the spiffy new phone he got me so i can now throw away that purple piece o shite ive had since freshman yr, but im speculatin on havin to take it back & gettin him sumthin later so i can have some extra fundage :o/
my mommy may come see me this weekend.
maybe she'll be charitable.
i sorta kinda hope she dont show this weekend tho cause i had planned to go find me some alcohol & spend the weekend in a drunken stupor. i mean, it was only gon be a $4 bottle of wine, but still. i wanna make drunken phone calls to ppl so i can hear the funny stories the mornin after.
ah, well.
bright side to her comin (other than just enjoyin her company, as always) is that she's brangin me two boxes of..... *drumroll*
...SAMOAS!!! only the BEST girl scout cookies known to man & the last thing i need in my life right now. i been feelin fat lately man.. this immobility due to the knees things is gettin to me.
i go to the dr the monday of spring break, which is the 8th, i think. hopefully ill get straightened out then. they dont hurt nearly as bad as they were, and some/most days i dont even feel any pain at all, which is good. but other joints hurt on & off tho, which is bad.
we'll see what happens, tho. keep ur toes crossed cause i gotta get movin again.
frank x came & read yesterday. got my book signed. i was slick & conned him into givin me his email address. the stalking officially begins now.. lol
they printed my rebuttal in today's paper. im interested to see if there'll be any additional response to that... i checked my email today half expectin to see something form that amanda girl, but there wasn't. i was a tad disappointed.
it's wild to me sometimes that history is continually being written. as we speak haitian rebels are poised to take over the capital. new york will begin marrying gay couples tomorrow. these are things our kids are gonna read about in history books, & when they read their reports on them to us well be able to look at the pages and say 'yeah, i remember that.'
creepy.
ive been doin research all day on my paper for my blk feminist theory class. i hit the lab at 12:30 & didn't leave til 7:00 pm. and u know what? i enjoyed it. see, if they wldn't make me read and learn and write about such stupid shit i'd hate this place a lot less and do a lot better on the assignments they give me.
im tryin to write it on blk women, feminism & hip hop. i dont have a thesis or an angle yet, but i wanna approach it so as not to run it into the ground and only talk about how demeaning damaging and degrading it is. i feel so pressed to defend it & its culture b/c all we talk about in class is the bad shit & i know that that's all the majority of america sees--the bad shit.
i can't remember the stuff i told myself not to forget
man it's so much that i been wantin to document & now i done forgot it all. so i'll just ramble for a bit. maybe i'll touch on whatever it was eventually.
let's see... it's monday.
tomorrow's tuesday. the weeks pass so fast.
teddy, ben & errk made a surprise visit this weekend, which was pleasant. candis & i had planned to go to an open mic/poetry slam that evening (saturday), & britt said she'd meet us out there, which she did. teddy'd been callin me for the past 2 days obsessed with where we was gonna be saturday evening & somethin in me said that he was gonna show up. still, i was surprised saturday when he showed up outta nowhere followin us down north upper street on the way to the reading.
i dared him to get up & do sumthin during the open mic. i wasn't surprised when he did so. it was so funny man... he wasn't sayin a gotdamn thang.. lol... he took the apollo route and started talkin bout god so he wldn't get boo'd. it was funny cause the crowd took him so serious & he was tryin not to laff the whole time.
crazy.
after he read, him & the boys went to teddy's sister's house. they met us back at candis' after we left the slam. cept brittany. her & richard went back home. at candis', we went & got some chicken from Indis', a lil ghetto ass whole in the wall where the food is subpar & they treat u like u slow (i love it there), went back to candis' & watched tv & visited. errk was asleep by 1:30. teddy was dozin by 2. that's when i decided i was gonna leave cause i was bored & missin my baby, so i left & called him & left him a message, drifted off & was awokeded 30 mins later by my cell. we stayed on the phone til 5:20. we hadn't done that in forever.
sunday i lounged. teddy nem came to say peace at about 3. that's really all i remember bout yesterday.
today the cafeteria manager gave me some chocolates for valentime's day. he wants it.
and today i bought this. i have such a crush on that man. and i love his words. he's comin here to read from the book on wednesday. im gonna pee myself.
i feel really longwinded tonite.
im so full of words. i really wanna right... i may try tonight if it's not too late.
yo lemme tell u bout tonite's blk feminist theory class.
im in a weird position.
we're talkin about blk popular culture, specifically music & media. kim split us up into 4 groups & gave us each an assignment. one group had to watch an hr of BET & analyze it. another had to study some songs. i dunno what the other did. my group was posed to do a feminist analysis of spike lee's 'she's gotta have it,' but freakin mr fizdale has it locked in his classroom. so we did 'bamboozled' instead. our presentation was superlong. i talked forever. we tried showing clips of the movie but we cldn't get the sound to work. all & all, it was botched, but at least i got my points made. the rest of the class tho-
the group that watched teh hr of BET also went today, and natrually, they were talkin about how misogynistic evrything was--all the nekkid girls, the patronizing rappers, the stereotypical lust for sex & money. the also ended up watching an hr of BET on sunday for some reason and were talkin about how surprised they were to find an empowering program shown on that station (it was an interpretive african dance detailing the conquest of africa by the palefaces). but watch my interlocking oppressions at work here-
i agreed w/ the things they were saying. popular rap & the corresponding videos are sickening. BET be on some straight ignorance. and true, the only time u find anything remotely worth watching is on sundays. genderically, i agreed w/ them, but i still felt pressed to defend myself and blk culture even so. cause i mean... this one cat, logan, has a little bit of a british accent, obviously comPLETELY ignorant to ANYthing black, always speaks with such fuckin disdain about blk folk & blkness as soon as he gets the hint that it's okay. when he was speaking today about the music videos he saw, he had this look on his face like he'd just swallowed a mouthful of vinegar & literally spat the words out on to the floor.
'i mean... it was just so astrounding that they can do that and act that way... and that the girls would even agree to it in the first place, i mean.. i really was just blown away at it all'
i felt like lookin at him and goin 'nigga, please.'
had that been a blk person, tho, i wldn't have cared. cause i agree. i can't beleive that we do that to our own ppl (though i realize & recognize that the blame is not solely ours). i felt like my blkness was being attacked, tho. i wanted to get mad. i *was* mad. but. it was very confusing.
like, when they was talkin bout the gospel stuff on BET, they said that they didn't expect to see anything positive at all. on the one hand, i was like 'well, don't let that fool u... just cause u find one good apple dont mean the rest aint spoiled.' but on the other hand im all defensive like 'wtf u mean? u dont think blk folk aint cultured? we dont know how to produce positive images? u dont think we can think outside of cristal bottles & bad weaves?'
it's very complicated man.
next class we finish the presentations. shld be quite interesting.
longest blawg entry in the history of blawg entries.
okay.
so i'm about to post 3 articles here.
the first will be the response of a one Amanda Phelps to my article "My Black History Month Wish List."
the second will be Kelly Ball's response to Amanda Phelps' article.
the third will be my response to Amanda Phelps' response to my article, which is over 3 pages as of yet--i got a lil carried away. I'm gonna do some serious editing before I send it in, of course, but I want to put it here in its entierty first.
u dont gotta read if u dont wanna.
i just wanna document it all.
Granted Wishes
This article is to allow Tracy Clayton to scratch some of the points off her Black History Month wish list: I am releasing my thoughts, so that they will not be “potentially damaging notion[s];” I am not referring to her as the “voice of black America;” and I am recognizing that diversity is my concern too. I have long been an advocate of everyone being united by our existence as human beings. The notion that color defines our souls or our places in society or our levels of intelligence bewilders me. Tracy Clayton makes many good points that I have long heralded as preposterous, such as the absence of other historical ethnic celebrations (there is currently no White History Month either), or basing an entire race’s experiences on one person’s account, or treating those who maintain Transylvania’s campus as our “personal servants” (yet we are expected to submit to Tracy Clayton’s authority on race).
I have grown up combating the racism of my own family, the segregation allotted to me because of my white ancestors and the stereotypes that come with my light skin. An issue that should have been let go when that Confederate flag fell years ago continues to be beaten until it is just a color divided mass. Because I am white, I must be racist. Because my ancestors owned slaves, I must advocate slavery too. I have never judged a person by anything other than his or her person. Kindness, integrity, a will to be independent—these things provoke respect from me. There are beautiful people on this campus, in my community, in this world, who are only made more beautiful by their diverse skin. Diversity is not a matter of accommodating people of different skin with the same needs—it is a quest to unite ourselves by our humanity and respect each other’s individual needs.
I hear voices much louder when they are passionate about what they are preaching, and when their preaching includes all people, not just white people, not just black people, not just straight people. When Marvin Gaye sang “You know we’ve got to find a way to bring some lovin’ here today,” there was not one word about color or race or gender. He spoke of love, lived this love and died for this love. Bob Marley’s words, “Open up your heart, open up your heart, let love come runnin’ in,” and John Lennon’s words, “A brotherhood of man…And the world will live as one,” The Youngblood’s plea, “Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now,” John Fogerty’s declaration, “It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no senator’s son…fortunate one...some people are born with silver spoon in hand, Lord, don’t they help themselves”—none of these songs request a division of color or ask for a “voice of black America.” These people spoke for a united America—a country of infinite colors and ethnic backgrounds and economic situations and soulful beauty. Voices only have color when the words they form speak of it.
As for the music at ball games, if Transylvania’s pep band possessed the funding to refine their talents enough to appear and perform on the Grammy Awards, then I agree, there would be no excuse for not performing to higher standards. As it is, if a change is desired in the pep band’s repertoire, then I invite Tracy Clayton to heed her own advice: “Do more.” Those pep band folders are filled with “Fats” Domino, Eddie Murphy, Otis Redding, Richard Berry, Steven Tyler, Jimmy Buffet and Francis Scott Key. There is history in each of these artists’ songs, and that history, because of this “great cultural language,” is made universal. It is Black History Month, but my history is black too, and white, and red, and blue, and every other color that may brush against my life. It is not what color your history is but what kind of history you wish to celebrate.
--Amanda Phelps
Kelly Ball's response to Amanda Phelps:
I would like to respond to an article published last week called, “Granted Wishes” that sincerely acknowledged concern for issues of race. While I do think the article was well intended and I appreciate that its author considers diversity her concern too, I am disturbed by the way I consistently run into most white people trying to deal with the whole issue of race.
Many white folks, if not in denial or ignorance of their own white privilege, are more than ready for the race issue to go away. White people throughout this great nation are always wanting to shake hands and forget there are people different than us. It’s a hard position to argue against. In our racialized ivory tower of privilege, why would we want to be bothered with the needs and concerns of anyone not white? It is so much easier to pretend we’re all the same. The problem with this is that when we try to pretend we are all the same just because we are all humans, we ignore the fact that we all have suffered and continue to suffer very different oppressions at the hands of white supremacy. It is only once we realize both how we oppress, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally, and how we are oppressed that any wish during Black History Month may have the chance of being granted.
I agree with the author that it is always nice to see someone practicing what they preach. But I am tired and disgusted by hearing people preach “one love” and then turning around and happily partaking in the benefits of deeply rooted, systematic racism. I am dismayed by the author’s choice to include a selection of songs that focuses on brotherly love among the races. In doing this, the author ignores the overwhelming amount of music that critically deals with issues of racial oppression. It makes me wonder what the author thinks of the blues and many other musical genres that deal with issues of race explicitly. If we’re all supposed to get over the race thing, should we no longer listen to the soulful expression that comes out of years of white supremacist oppression? Maybe we shouldn’t be celebrating anything that highlights the history of black people. I realize this may be a bit extreme and not the author’s intent, but I think it is a conclusion that is implicitly stated whenever we talk about “just loving each other.” We need to not only love each other for being fellow humans, but for our differences- and to do that, we have to start really thinking about some of these issues and recognize the differences of not only our skin, but the social stigmas that ensue from that. Only then is there the potential for serious change.
The beauty of Black History Month is its potential to get people, especially white people, to start thinking about a history that is marginalized. The author is correct that we do not have a nationally recognized “White History Month.” But I would like to remind readers that every month of the year is White History Month. Everyday of every year since we invaded and took control of this land have we celebrated how great we are by rewarding ourselves with better job opportunities, better housing, better education options, better treatment by law enforcement, and better representation in the classroom to list a few. But then again, maybe we still need a nice white sheet cake to really call it an official celebration of our white history.
While I do find problems with the article, I commend the author for writing this piece- both for taking the time to address race (which is seldom done around here) and for recognizing diversity as her concern despite her whiteness. I am very aware that neither I, nor Tracy Clayton, nor any single voice can ever act as the authority on race, but we must keep pushing each other to continually confront these issues. It’s important to not end our concern after agreeing we can all hypothetically be friends- we must address these issues on a practical level. It is only through thinking critically through these issues that we will no longer be bewildered by “the notion that color defines our souls or our places in society or our levels of intelligence.” The more we think about and challenge this white supremacist culture, the more likely all voices of every color will cease to be ignored through the preaching of unity and the silencing of difference.
my response to Amanda Phelps:
I am writing this article in response to Amanda Phelps’ recent letter to the editor concerning my printed article, “My Black History Month Wish List.” First and foremost, I would like to thank Ms. Phelps for taking the time to respond. This is how dialogue begins, and with dialogue comes a higher understanding of issues such as “race” as it stands. Talking about race is something that rarely happens on this campus and beyond, and I commend Ms. Phelps for her initiative.
That being said, let me momentarily turn my attention to the initial article itself, “My Black History Month Wish List.” The article was supposed to be funny. Of all the articles I’ve ever written to the Rambler, I’d say that this last one was the most playful, even though I meant the points that were made therein. Either I suck at writing satire or I just didn’t gauge my audience as accurately as I thought I did. Either way, Ms. Phelps’ response is very telling; her defensive stance and utopian vision of a color-blind society, one in which “voices only have color when the words they form speak of it,” is proof positive that we are not receiving the education concerning race that we need to challenge the unjust practice within these walls and beyond. If that sort of educating and priming took place on this campus, perhaps the humor of my article would have went over better than it did.
Speaking of humor, I sincerely hope that the parenthetical statements in the opening paragraph of Ms. Phelps’ were meant to be humorous as well. “There is currently no White History Month either?” Are you serious? Need I even say that because of the exclusion of the histories of non-white, non-male people in “American History” courses, every month is “White History Month?” The pervasive, exclusive realm of “white history” is the exact reason why black history month, women’s history month, gay/lesbian history month, etc. had to be established in the first place. And as far as being “expected to submit to (my) authority on race,” I am only one person, remember? We’ve established that I am not “the voice of black America”—why on earth would I ask you to “submit” and treat me as such in the face of my protestation?
Let me commend Ms. Phelps for her endeavors “combating the racism of (her) own family”—I recognize that this is not an easy task and one that should not go unrecognized. I am elated to hear that she recognizes that “race” issues, theoretically, should have been done away with long ago, or as she put it “when that Confederate flag fell years ago” (I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that flag has never fallen). Here I would like to make it plain that I never intended to indict the whole of white America with being intolerant and negligent—I know that there are a few good white folks spread out here and there (that was a joke). It must be understood, though, that while not everyone is racist, racism still exists, and we must acknowledge that even as we commend those with the courage to stray from white supremacist patriarchal schools of thought.
In addition to fighting racism within the ranks of her own family, Ms. Phelps made it plain that she longs a color-blind society—a world with no “division of color,” where no one is “judged...by anything other than his or her person.” While this notion of not seeing color is beautiful and ideal in theory, it is also problematic, insensitive, and unrealistic. Not seeing color, or more appropriately, refusing to acknowledge the construction of “race,” will not make the societal problems and injustices built around it simply disappear. Choosing not to acknowledge the construct of “race” does not automatically translate into fair, equal treatment for people of all backgrounds in society. They must be routinely and collectively dismantled, and ignoring them will not even begin to accomplish the task.
This dream of a color-blind society is dangerous because it implies that people of all races, classes, genders, sexual orientations, ethnicities, etc. inherently have equal opportunities in society, which I pray we all know is not the case. This belief subsequently leads to the line of thinking that blames the poor for being poor (ie – “If they would just go out and get a job, they wouldn’t be poor”—such a statement ignores the racist and classes barriers the working class must overcome to merely get by), or, as a more relevant example, blames the lack of diversity on Transy’s campus on the missing “diverse” students themselves (“It’s their fault if they don’t apply”—this sentiment ignores the impact that the lack of need-based financial aid, minority scholarships, and failure to actively recruit “minorities,” especially in the Lexington area). The call for a color-blind society is the main rallying cry for opponents of Affirmative Action, which, I believe, cannot be abolished until the circumstances that made its creation a necessity in the first place are corrected. Until the societal playing field is truly leveled, however, social color-blindness will do nothing but shroud the police brutality in sugar, sweetly silence the voices of women—black, white, and beyond—crying out for control of their own bodies, encircle the necks of the gay and lesbian community with velvet noses, and cloud the eyes and ears of the dominant majority with short-stemmed daisies and broken refrains of “Kum Bah Yah.”
In addition to all this, the call for a color-blind society is insensitive. The fact that you choose not to notice or recognize “race” as it stands does not take away from the fact that I and my posterity are destined to be reminded of it every day of our lives if conditions do not change. It discredits my personal lived experiences as a black woman and undermines the struggles I’ve had to take on to make a place for myself in a world that never expected me to fight back. White privilege makes it possible for white America to choose whether or not they consciously acknowledge race. The majority of the world does not have that luxury.
And what’s more, who says that our differences have to divide us? Ms. Phelps says herself that “there are beautiful people on this campus, in my community, in this world, who are only made all the more beautiful by their diverse skin.” Why can we not embrace those differences, learn from them, and build positively on them, rather than pretend they simply don’t exist?
Like her dream of a color-blind society, Ms. Phelps’ musical discussion was cute and idealistic. I am quite fond of each of the songs she references, songs that call for us to “love one another right now” and “let love come runnin’ in.” However, I am also painfully fond and conscious of songs that remind me of the reality of our society, songs like Mos Def’s “Mr. Nigga” (“When white boys doin’ it well, it’s success/When I start doin’ it well, it’s suspect”), Bob Marley’s “Redemption Song” (“How long shall they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look?”), and Kanye West’s “Self-Conscious” (“They made us hate ourself and love they wealth…/We’re tryin to buy back our 40 acres/And for that paper, look how low we’ll stoop/Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coup”). Focusing on pretty utopian song lyrics of John Lennon and Marvin Gaye does not make the ugly reality of society go away. Interesting that Ms. Phelps should leave such songs out.
Continuing on the subject of music, my commentary on the band’s songs was more comical than anything. What the band plays is the least of our worries here on campus. In the midst of Ms. Phelps’ discussion of the band, however, a comment is made that I simply must address: in the middle of the paragraph the “invite(s)” me to “heed (my) own advice.” I can honestly say that I have never ever been so offended in my life—I would have been less disrespected if someone had walked up to me and spit in my face. Be that comment made in the context of improving the band music or beyond, how dare someone have the audacity to admonish me to “do more” to improve the broken situation on this campus when I am as we speak behind in all of my classes because of the time spent with no more than 4 other students, breaking our backs to present this campus with an innovative Martin Luther King Day Program that virtually went to. No one sees the handful of people who meet and mull and ponder and plan and worry and ask vainly for help and scream into deaf ears and feel defeated and get ignored on a daily basis in the course of trying to bring about change. I don’t have to be “invited” to “do more;” I personally took that initiative the very moment I stepped on this campus and realized that there was no place for me here.
“Do more?” Short of starting a race riot, there isn’t much more that we faithful few can do without the help of others like, Ms. Phelps, who claim to understand that race is her concern as well, that her “history is black too, and white, and red, and blue, and every other color that may brush (her) life.” Here I am moved to compliment Ms. Phelps on the beauty of her prose and to challenge her to take such mastery of language and apply it to helping those of our community to do something more than proclaim your open-minded consciousness in the pages of a campus paper and become active in the badly-needed improvement of our community—within these walls and beyond.
I would again like to thank Ms. Phelps for taking the initiative to respond to my initial article and the issues held therein. That is a very courageous task, and if my memory serves me correctly, it is the first time it has happened in my 4 years here. Dr. Catherine Fosl has quoted white southern feminist and Kentucky-native Anne Braden as saying that “’it takes an explosion,’ individual and societal, to get white people to act against white supremacy.” If that article, “My Black History Month Wish List,” was the explosion it took to finally evoke some response and attention, then it was well worth the anger, annoyance, and discomfort it may have caused.
i been meanin to do a lotta shit.
im such a procrastinator. it's gettin a bit ridic.
went to Cental State U for a ballgame with candis on tuesday, which i really shld not have done. it was fun, tho. but on a tuesday? we didn't get back here til after 3 am. she needed someone to go w/ her tho & i didn't really mind. i started gettin cranky tho when it was 1 am & we were still there in her friend's room visiting. i just kep thinkin omg.. im never gonna go to bed tonite. plus i had class at 9:30 the next day too? i was pissed. and i know i prolly wan't too pleasant to the company. i told candis to apologize for me.
they were nice guys. 2 dwights, virgil, dustin (aka sweet peter), ron, mean gene, hoopay (candis' almost-love), and old faithful maurice. he was gettin on my nerves. let candis tell it he fell in love w/ me the first time we met in august & hasn't shut up about me since & this last visit he was pretty smothering, talkin bout let's go to the movies. nah, homie, im good. i shot him my number when he asked for it as a standard courtesy & was careful not to be misleading. i'll tell him im not on the market when/if he calls. if he's capable of just bein cool beyond that, then we'll be cool.
candis spent most of her time in the hallway talkin to hoopay's cousin, leavin me alone in a room fulla virtual strangers. i was delighted when my phone rang & i saw my sweetie's name & number on the caller i.d. i was like, dope, i'll talk to him real loud so maurice & whoever else will know that i aint tryna get w/ none of em like that. before i answered i let out a big 'aaaaawww!' ..lmao. we only spoke for like a minute tho.
candis made it seem like i was there specifically to see maurice & jokingly told ppl that that's why i came. i really hope he aint got the wrong idea.
but i reckon we'll see.
and yo, guess what?
member my blk history month wishlist article i posted here sometime last week? well they ran it last week, and this week there was an angry response from some lil white girl!!
SUCCESS!
AFTER 4 YRS IVE PISSED SOMEBODY OFF & THEY GOT THE BALLS TO SAY SUMN ABOUT IT!!
this is dope.
i'll tell yall more about it later tho cause now i gotta go meet about a group project.
last nite me, candis & julena went to an open mic nite @ UK hosted by their blk student union. there was a 'grown & sexy' party afterward (<- thus promoted to prevent another apollo party fiasco). i've decided that that will be the last college party i go to for the duration of my collegiate career.
i think my social skills are depleting.
ive grown so used to being alone that i dont really know how to be around ppl anymore. the party was wack, but i can usually make the best out of a sucky situation like that. then again, i usually have a certain soon-to-be-murried somebody w/ me to crack jokes & act stupid with. candis is cool but we aint on the same plane a lotta times. she and julena are a tad (read: a lot) more boy crazy than i've ever been, so i wasnt too concerned w/ bein cute or gossipin bout this nigga or that one.
i basically sat out in the hallway where the only chairs were for the duration of the dance. i was worried about strainin my knees too much.
plus i just didn't wanna be there.
events like that only remind me of the things im missin out on here at this fuckin school. no friends, no one to relate to. i swear evrybody at that party knew evrybody else's name *cues 'cheers' theme song* & they all just sorta looked thru me, the same way they do here.
blah.
mark showed up about an hr before we left. he's a good guy. prolly why candis dont wanna holla @ him. it was good seein him tho; he lives in lexington now cause he made the city's semi-pro football team. so we'll prolly see more of him.
AND.
the highlight of my weekend:
my big brother showed up to surprise me!
earlier yesterday evening before we left for the show, my mama called me like 'what are u doin later on? well keep ur phone w/ u cause ill be callin u back. i got sumn to talk to u about.'
gotDAMN i hate when she does that. whyyyyyyy can't u tell me now? who's in trouble? who's in jail? who's in the hospital? what's wrong? tell me now!
'i can't tell u now, i need more details first.'
so im dreading her phonecall. while we at the open mic joint it rings & i hold my breath. but it's not her callin; it's my brother. he called to get directions to where i was cause he was in lexington & was gonna come see me.
AWWWWWW!
man, i was so touched. he came here from louisville just to visit me (and prolly to see some other chick, but it's cool. itll take it). he stayed @ the party for a lil while then bounced to get sumn to eat w/ his friend ray (<- more than likely the other chick he came to see). he even danced a lil bit.
i dunno why i didn't expect to see him today, but i didn't. he called me at 12:00 talkin bout he's gon be here in 30 minutes. he called again an hr & 15 mins later talkin bout he's on his way.
we went to captain d's to get sumthin to eat. there aren't any captain d's in innanapolis & he loves seafood, so i agreed to go there, even tho i hate seafood. it was nice, just he & i sittin, eatin, talkin. i dont think we've ever done that before. ever.
i love him so much.
he's back in louisville now, either huggin on his daughter or huggin on some other girl.. lol
he really made my weekend tho. i love valentime's day, but it always makes me sorta sad, u know? i mean i love the feelin of love that seems to be evrywhere, but it always reminds me of how lonely my life has become, especially now.
my mama called to wish me a happy valentime's day this mornin.
'sorry i cldn't send u anything sweetheart, but i just haven't had the time to do it.'
that's okay. i love u mommy :o)
my daddy called me not long after i hung up w/ her.
i was mad, cause i meant to call him before he called me... i guess ive been feelin a lil guilty about not talking to him very often.. so i answered the phone w/ a cheery 'happy valentime's day!'
'aw, shoot, u beat me! now i gotta call u back & do it over'
i smiled.
he used to send me flowers at school evryvalentime's day beginning w/ the 6th grade. they stopped in like, the 10th grade & i dunno why. after 6 yrs, i really dont expect any, but i still look for some anyway, just in case. he didn't mention me getting anything from him on the phone, so i was pretty sure he didn't send me anything.
but i still went to go check.
...no flowers, no cards, no candy.
guess i was a little let down. but not cause i didnt get anything at all--im not one to measure affection in dollar signs or rose petals cause my mama raised me better that that--but its like, back then, that was one of the few ways i knew he gave a shit about my existance, u know?
but it's whatever.
i dont need flowers & cards & candy to let me know that folks care.
i am lonely, but i am loved.
*plus* im gangsta.
i guess ill throw a lil valentime's party for myself tonite.
ill shower, stay nekkid, comb out my hair, watch movies & eat too much in the buff in celebration of me. my sweetie'll be out havin fun, & beyond him i dont really have anyone i'd care to call & talk to. so it's me, myself & me again tonite. and im okay w/ that. guess i sorta hafta be, yknow?
(rough draft. hopefully this'll run in one of this month's papers... ill be back to edit the spacing & stuff later tonite.)
-----------
This will be my only Rambler contribution concerning black history month. Just as the title suggests, this article will simply be a list of things that I’d like to see happen on Transy’s campus during black history month. The beautiful thing about the items on this list, if I may be cliché a moment, is that if executed correctly, they will truly be the gifts the keep on giving. So let’s get right in to it:
1.Stop making me take the same course about old dead white guys over and over again without offering some alternative classes that I can identify with as a black woman. As an English major, I swear it feels like I’ve taken the same ancient British Literature class called by a different name no less than once each semester. The fact that the historical and literary contributions of my ancestors (who, might I add, are your ancestors as well) are never required material and have no concrete place in “our” curriculum more or less tells me that this institution values those contributions far less than it does those of mighty Europatriarchy. 20th Century African-American Lit is no less important to one’s understanding of the written word than is 17th Century British Lit. I hate to break it to you, but there is much more to the history of the word than John Donne’s amazing sexist Renaissance poetry. Really, there is.
2. That being said, add more diverse courses to the curriculum and offer the few courses we already have that pertain to “minorities” more than once every three or four years. Give those of our campus community who would actually care enough to take such courses an ample opportunity to do so. Spreading them out over a four year period does not make them seem more plentiful.
3. Black history is not enough. Throw some Latin American history in the mix. Asian American, too. Native American. Gay & lesbian. More women’s history. Diversity goes far beyond black and white, and we need to move beyond that notion.
4. In those preexisting courses where matters of race/diversity are discussed, do not look to me to be the voice of black America. Stop asking me what black people think about this or how black people feel about that. I can tell you what I think personally, but I am not equipped to speak on behalf of such a diverse group of people. And stop glancing at me during class to validate or confirm the statements that you make in discussion or the thoughts you entertain in private.
5. By the same token, do not keep said thoughts and sentiments to yourself for fear that you may offend me in giving them voice. I’d much rather you speak your true mind and offend me rather than hold in a potentially damaging notion that you may have about “race” as it stands. If your keep it in, it can’t b e discussed, and without discussion there is no development of the idea. No development = no personal growth. Do not censor yourself for me.
6. And speaking of speaking, please don’t feel compelled to show off your rap video vocabulary when talking to me. Fight the urge to call me “sista,” “homie,” “girlfriend,” “G,” “dawg,” “money,” or any combination thereof. I’ve mastered the King’s English just as everyone else here has (I’m an English major, for Pete’s sake), and I am fully capable of communicating in a non-Ebonic tongue. Talk to me as you would anyone else. (Addendum: stop complicating the handshake. There is no special manual greeting that only black people know, and pretending that you know it will not win you any points in my Big Book of Dopeness. Quit it.)
7. In addition to the way you speak to me, do not be afraid to speak to the men and women who work on this campus cleaning your bathrooms and serving your meals. Thank your housekeepers. Say hello to the cafeteria workers. Smile at the groundskeepers. Treat them as something more than your personal servants because really—they aren’t.
8. But back to me, please make an effort to memorize my name in relation to my face. There are only a handful of black female on this campus; at least try to recognize each of our identities when you come into our individual acquaintances. Though they are wonderful women, I do not enjoy being called Candis, Brandy, Brittany, or Felicia (especially since Felicia graduated from here two years ago. Come on, people).
9. If you’d like to compliment me on my hair, that’s fine. I enjoy being complimented as much as anyone else. But please refrain from petting and/or caressing me and my tresses. I am not a cat or some newly groomed showhorse. Do not exoticize me. And stop asking me if I can make your hair “do that.” I can’t.
10. Can we please play some more varied and inclusive music at the basketball games? Could we possibly get a warm-up CD with a bit more variety? Would it be too much trouble for the band to play something other than that “Hey, hey, baby/I wanna know/Would you be my girl” song? Andre3000 of Outkast had a band on stage performing “Hey Ya” with him at the Grammy Awards recently. They sounded great, and I know our band could too! I know this may seem miniscule and maybe even a bit stereotypical, but my point is valid—music is a great cultural language. Switch it up and show us you care about catering to everyone’s taste.
11. Speaking of everyone, please recognize that the problems with diversity on campus are indeed everyone’s problem. Stop leaving these issues up to the brown folk to deal with. These issues affect the entire campus and we cannot do it alone. Our numbers are too small. On this note, I challenge the members of Voice to do more than tell me what a great article I wrote on diversity as a women’s issue. I challenge the whole of the campus to do more than nod in agreement. I also challenge the administration to recognize that a few strategically placed brown faces in business suits in no way solves our problems. Do better. Do more.
12. I also challenge the whole of this campus to treat its women better. This includes students, faculty, professors, and staff. We’ve lost way too many female professors during my career here, and from what I understand, rape is becoming an epidemic on our fair campus. Some fundamental changes must be made.
I would like to thank the Rambler for not seeking me out to write any articles for Black History Month. I appreciate not being charged with bearing the weight of being responsible for the acknowledgement of black history on my back this year. But this brings me to my thirteenth and final wish—please recognize that simply reporting and recapping the events that the same few people have coordinated in honor of the month is not enough. Do some research. Tell a story. Become active in the celebration—don’t leave it up to us. I extend that sentiment to the rest of the campus.
kay.
so i managed to get out to k-state's homecomin & the festivities this weekend.
i looked nice, yo. i dont be tootin my own horn like that, but after weeks & weeks of lookin homless & schizophrenic, i looked nice. cleaned myself up. rocked the new jeans & top. cleavage! i had some cleavage goin on! hair all twisted & nice. sex boots. i looked nice. i clean up pretty good.
k-state played central state. i kept tellin candis it was their homecomin game, but she kept assertin that blk schools dont have basketball homecomins & that it's just a rivalry. as such, the game shld have been 5 dollars as usual, according to her. we get there & it's $8. tracy was right. candis was wrong. all she said was 'oh. im sorry.'
i wanna hear this girl say 'im wrong' or 'you were right' at least once before we graduate.
anyway
we posed to leave at 6:45, me, candis, malynta & lanetta.
candis asked me to get to her crib at 6:40. im lollygaggin so i get there 5 minutes later & stressin cause im late.
this chick is in the baffroom JUST startin on her hair.
long story short, we didn't fuckin LEAVE LEXINGTON til 7:30, which is what time the game started. it's round ab out a 45 minute drive to richmond. we get to the game just as halftime is over. it's packed, so we in the nosebleed section. felt like we sat down 5 minutes then the game was over.
$8 down the tube.
oh, and remember hatin ass chris? the dude that stood us up for MLK day for some bitch ass modelin gig? we saw him. we were standin against the wall waitin for malynta to get her ticket and he walks by. i know he saw us. i wasn't gon say a damn thang.. i was just gon let him be shady. but candis (of course) yells out his name.
he turns around & walks back. hugs candis. opens his arms to me. i extend for a handshake.
'ooh damn.. it's like that?'
we got beef dude. we got some serious beef.
'man, im sorry tho, i just couldnt---'
mhmm. for real. that's messed up, dude. didn't even tell me.
'yeah, but i mean, i told teddy and--'
sweetie teddy lives in F L O R I D A. teddy has nothin to do w/ this. u shld have called *me*
--yall.. this is where he looks me dead in the eye and with a straight face tells me--
'but i don't have your number, though.'
(bitch, PLEASE)
so i called him on his lie. candis is like 'that was a pretty bad one, dawg.'
'yeah, yeah, i know. i know.'
so blah blah blah, he makes to leave. gives candis another hug (i know she was excited about that). makes to hug me and again gets a handshake.
u gon hafta work up to the hug again, dude. holla.
bitch.
so anyway
that was a wasted $8.
*IIII* wanted to go to the fuckin Apollo talent show @ UK but candis insisted on the game. that was the one thing she had her heart set on doin, so i aint say nuthin. that was bullshit tho.
i shld mention that a dude from central state and some of his friends drove down for the game from ohio.
so
the game lets out & we're tryna make a decision as to which party to go to. we're all broke, so im like 'whatever's cheapest.' k-state afterparty was $10. uk's apollo afterparty was $7 before 11pm. it was alread 10:30. wasn't no way we was gon make it back to lexington in time, but when candis called our friend albert to see what was goin on @ UK, he said just call him & he'd get us in for $7. cool.
we still standin IN THE FUCKIN COLD w/ evrybody goin 'what do u wanna do?' 'i dont care, it's up to yall' 'it dont matter!'
i really hate that about candis. she's such a fuckin sheep, man, she never ever speaks up on her behalf or asserts herself. she's always followin & catering to the crowd, so i knew she wasn't gon make a decision. lanetta was suggestin the uk party cause it was the one the cld afford to get in w/ albert's $7 discount. the biggest suggestion candis made was to go sit in the car and continue to go 'what do u wanna do?' 'it don't matter, it's up to yall.' so on the way back, im like fuck it. albert said it was plenny ppl at uk, it's cheaper... do yall wanna do that?
malynta was like 'okay'
netta said 'yeah, $7 sounds a whole lot better than $10'
candis: 'that's fine, it dont matter.'
we get in the car and before we leave the fuckin parkin lot i tell candis 'just know that we dont have to go to lex if u dont want to.. ill make sure netta gets in so we can stay here if u want to. if we leave this parkin lot for lexington right now, it's of your own volition.'
so we drive back to lexington.
get there, we caint find albert, so we gotta pay the damn $10 to get in, plus i lent netta $2 so she cld get in.
it was a standard UK party. ppl standin round too pretty to move, lil greek lines movin thru the crowd in damn evrybody's way. they annoy me. well, the sigmas had a nice tall half nekkid sweaty piece of man in they line twerkin it out, so i wasn't mad at them. the rest were just irritating tho.
but what irritated me more than that bullshit was Mista. my god. me, candis & britt met Mista and CJ through a friend of brittany's. they all went to Berea College. freshman year we met them. apparently Mista--fuck that, i aint even capitalizin that nigga name no more--mmmmmmmmmista tried to holla @ me that year & claims that i 'didn't give him the time of day.' u know what, that's prolly true. i was scared of boys freshman year, for god's sake. it wasn't nuthin personal. and i wld have told him this but his drunk ass was too busy whinin and bitchin about it the whole damn night.
i walk in, hadn't seen him since my birfday last yr, and reach out to hug him after he hugs candis. he acks like he's gon be cordial & receive, but then he 'fakes me out' and keeps movin along.
'ouch. i've been slighted. cut to the core.'
the fuck outta here.
so he's talkin to candis & havin a tantrum, talkin but im 'sometimey' and all this other bullshit. at this point i dont know what the fuck crawled tween his cheeks & died, nor wld i have cared for real if he just wasn't treatin me like a damn stepchild evrytime he opened his mouth to speak to me. OR candis for that matter. so finally im like 'dude. do u hate me? what did i do to deserve all this?'
then that's when he starts talkin bout me not givin him the time of day. 4.years.ago. and this is a grown ass man, yall. grown ass man. he graduated like 1, 2 yrs ago. grown ass man. he was sayin all this in a somewhat jokin mood, but he really meant & believes that shit. and i think it stems from the MSN conversation we had like 3 months ago (how hw got my msn name, i have no idea) when he was like 'seriously... did u ever even think about givin me a chance?' now.. if i lie & say 'yes,' he's gon try to holla at me again & i caint hear all that right now, plus i'd be lyin which is shady. so im honest & say 'no, i honestly didn't.' apparently he took it personal & is STILL takin it personal.
so he keeps on & im just like 'okay, shld i apologize? do u want me to say im sorry? what can i do short of marrying u that will make u not hate me anymore?'
'naw naw, i dont hate u man it's cool'
NIGGA SHUT UP ABOUT IT THEN.
ugh.
so for the rest of the night he's all hugged up on candis from behind just grindin his lil bits & pieces all up on her (male attention. candis was lovin it im sure) & lookin at me & rollin his eyes like im posed to get jealous or somethin.
i just laffed at that site.
in so many words he tells me that he now wants to holler at candis. im like okay. then he fucks up and gasses candis' head some more and tells her that the reason that neither he or CJ tried to holla at candis freshman year was because they both wanted to holla at her. LOOOOOOOOORD that girl takes shit to the head like u wldn't believe.
the rest of the night was spent talkin bout CJ. we went to get some food after we left the party & that's all she talked about 'CJ's so cute!' 'me & CJ wld have the cutest kids!' 'CJ CJ CJCJCJCJCJCJ!!!' finally i told her in all seriousness-
'you got one more CJ comment before i shut down and stop listenin to u completely.'
and i was so serious.
and u know why i think she was goin on like that?
cause she's jealous, competitive & possessive as hell when it comes to dudes.
when i said hi to CJ i gave him a hug or whatever, & since evryone else in our lil circle of friends at least talks to him like, once a month, i shoot him my phone number. candis is like, glaring at me & she aint think i saw. im thinkin 'dude... he don't even know my damn name for god's sake. he called me stacy. erase the hate.'
so then we start dancin a lil bit, right?
we at the table eatin:
'and im mad that u got to dance w/ CJ & i didn't.'
*lightbulb*
she's jealous.
unjustly so. CJ's adorable but i aint even tryna get on it.
me & candis is posed to be cool, on a distant-but-almost-close sister type level. but yo i got a feelin she'd hate me over a dude in a minute. and it always seems to be me she's competitive with. teddy flat out told me once that she's jealous of me.
?
why?
that shit is both unneccessary and unattractive.
but i digress.
so mista's givin me bullshit the whole nite & i smell like smoke & im not really havin much fun. we're there for 30 minutes when the dj plays 'head bussas.' ppl start moshin in the middle, throwin up they sets. it was all fun.. there was even a lil midget man in rocawear there & they picked his lil ass up & threw him in the fun.
me, netta & malynta had migrated closer to the middle cause malynta wanted to mingle & i wanted to get away from mista & candis.
3 minutes after the song is on, somebody starts fightin. then another fight starts. crowd starts runnin (you know how blk ppl do). i damn near get trampled & i end up in the corner near one of the exits. ppl start throwin chairs. im hemmed up waaaaay too close to ppl i dont know.. folk pushin, runnin tryna get out. it was almost a stampede, yo. it was wild.
so of course they shut the party down.
$10 wasted.
actually 12 since i spotted Netta $2.
comes to a total of $20 bucks down the whole, plus money to eat. i am now officially broke.
and here's the kicker folks:
do you know that candis had the NEVER to try (i say try cause i squashed that shit quick) to blame ME for such a sucky evening?
i love her yall.
but bitch, please.
don't even.
so i came home, mad & pissed.
this weekend was an utter waste of sexy & money.
im tempted to say 'well at least i saw some blk people'
but fuck that. i'da rather stayed home.
1. What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
never knew it. or maybe i did. if so, that's a sign that my attempt at complete & total repression is going well.
2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
dark pink low-rise bikinidraws.
3. What is the song you want played at your funeral?
'when i die' - rickey smiley feat. lil' darryl. (now when i die, members, cry/just remember me/ballin/ballin...in the sweeeet by & by/just remember me/ballin/ballin)
4. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
some general tso's chicken, a plate of pannacakes w/ maple syrup & extra butter, a chicken alfredo pizza from pap john's, a bowl of au gratain potatoes, a chess pie, & a big bottle of whatever's gon fuck me up the quickest.
5. Beatles or Stones?
stones just sorta lay there & don't move. beatles are cute & they at least crawl around. i choose beatles.
*rimshot*
hov!
6. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who would it be?
how morbid. i pick Wayne Brady.
7. The person whose problems you would never want to hear again?
mines.
8. What is the thing most important to you (as far as physical) about the preferred sex?
height. i like em long.
...*raises eyebrow*
9. Do you secretly hate some of your friends(ters) but are too nice to reject them?
there's at least one i'd like to kick in the throat on occasion, but hate? nah.
10. If you could have any super power what would it be?
teleportation. be able to zap me & anything i hold in my hands to anyplace at anytime at all.
11. Favorite hangover cure?
don't get drunk.
12. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
i smell booze & start actin up.
13. Favorite Outkast lyric?
gotta agree w/ dave on the 'life in the day of.' too ill.
14. Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
dark brown/blk.
15. If you had to be blind or deaf?
deaf.
16. Do you have any psychiatric problems?
I SAID KEEP THAT LAMP AWAY FROM MY no, why do u ask? EARDRUM, GOTDAMNIT!!
17. Siblings that should go to rehab?
nah. my ppls is good.
18. Least favorite month?
march. ugh.
..i kid.
i'd go w/ february. it always feels like the one thing standin b/t me & spring.
19. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
snow white & the seven dwarfs. my granny & ms. edwards took me to the movies to see it. we used to have so much fun... i miss ms. edwards :o(
20. Favorite person in the whole world?
you. no, not you. *you.*
21. When's the last time you went on a date?
January 14th. i think.
22. Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
dirty movies. particularly blk ones. aint nuthin funnier than a grown ass man completely nekkid in some white socks & gym shoes. and the weaves.. lawd them awful weaves.
23. Fall or spring?
spring, definitely.
24. Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
there's 2, neither of which i dont care to name. part of the whole repression thing.
25. If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
26. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
louisville, ky, close to shawnee park.
27. Who is the person you can count on most?
to carry out concrete tasks & favors - candis.
to keep me sane - prolly most of yall who are reading this now.
28. If you could date any celebrity past or present, time and age are not factors?
Bob fricken Marley (happy birfday, by the way!)
29. What books have you pretended you've read?
evrybook that was assigned in my 20th century brit lit class this semester.
30. What's a word you would use to describe your life?
limbo
31. Favorite drinking game?
chugga-lugg, a la the Cosby Show. the one where vanessa got drunk playin it w/ her friends & and then the whole family was playin it together, only w/ tea.
32. What did you dream last night?
i dreamed that a friend of mine from high school was somehow living in the science building here on campus. i ended up living w/ her & her family in her brother's room. weird.
ive been trying to shake it off but it's consuming me tonight.
i didn't go to the doctor today. it hadda be rescheduled for next wednesday.
i went shopping to find something to wear to the game & party on saturday. this was gonna be my feel better weekend--hair washed & freshly twisted, slick shirt, jeans that carry the ass like *woah.* i was gon roll out w/ blk folk, be among blk folk & have fun w/ blk folk in spite of what's goin on in my lower extremities.
i went shopping. i bought a pair of jeans, a sheer blk shirt, a blk tank top to go under it & a random blue shirt that was on sale for $7.99. guess i spent about 50 bucks. 50 bucks that i surely didn't need to spend. i bought shit to make me feel better & now i feel bad for spending.
i just tried on the stuff i bought. nothing seems to hang right on me anymore (tho the jeans do carryin the ass like *woah*). i feel hideous lately & it sucks. i dont even wanna go no more.
i dont wanna go no more cause my legs hurt me just about the entire time i was out today. i ignored the pain as best i cld, even pushed myself a lil bit. im feeling it now. i cant even walk through a fucking mall anymore. yo, i can't cross my legs anymore b/c my knees just lock up.
ima go to that shit this weekend & have to find a corner or sumn & just sit & watch erbody else have fun. i wont be able to dance. wont be able to stand up for a long time.
but i dont wanna stay here by myself.
im really fuckin tired of sittin in this lil box of a room alone.
i haven't done any homework. i cant concentrate, in class or out of it.
and im so gotdamned sick of entries like this. i mean, this shit aint me. im happy damnit, yall know that. im sunshine & smiles & jokes and all that other bullshit.
i had a dream the night before my mama called me w/ the test results that i was being attacked by some man and i cldn't fend him off. he was shirtless & he was groping me... i scratched at his back just my nails just slid right off of him.
i grew hysterical yesterday. i threw myself into my comforter & just cried for like 5 minutes. hard. like hyperventilating. and i prayed.
i dont know what i did but im sorry
i wont do it again
ill change
just take this away from me
take it away plz take it away
it was weird, and in retrospect i am embarrassed at my behavior. but im scared, man. im scared and im alone and i dont wanna be here or there and i hate it.
and i havent really talked to my darlin in like a week so i feel extra extra alone.
today was just a bad day.
i just dont wanna wonder anymore cause im gonna worry myself into a crazyhouse.
im terrified, man.
like ive been cryin on & off since my mama called me about an hr ago.
my knees have been hurting me for the past month, ever since christmas break. i did a lotta walkin over the break & for the week after my lower extremities were sore, joints & muscles included. that always happens when the muscles are worked more than usual so i wasnt worried at all.
a week later the muscles are fine, but my knees are still killin me. not sore to the touch but it'd hurt to bend.
a whole month later and they still hurt. ive been thinking ive just strained or bruised or torn a muscle or a ligament or some shit, cause the pain (which is worse in my right leg than it is in the left) has gradually moved away from the knee, sorta.
my mama came to see me & t ook me to a doctor here. they took some blood to be analyzed. i figured then it was just tendonitis or bursitis or sumthin & have been treating it as such.
nothing has really helped it.
my mama called the doctors here again & they told her that an ARA test (i think that's what it's called) they did on my blood came back positive.
so i may have rheumatoid arthritis.
all i can think about is me being 21 and not being able to do the things normal 21 yr olds do. im about to graduate, for fuck's sake. ive been plannin to get back into shape and im posed to be doing it now w/ this damn PE class im takin, but i can't do shit for real. i wanna go back to runnin my miles during the week (cause the thighs were lookin quite nice, i must say). and my bike! i wanna be able to ride my fuckin bike to the park w/o loadin up on a buncha pills or havin to ice down my legs or some shit.
this sucks.
my daddy's mama has rheumatoid arthritis really bad. she can't drive anymore because of it. shit, i haven't even STARTED drivin for real. this is so unfair.
and is it my fault? have i not been treating my body right?
i feel like im being punished.
i dont wanna hafta hobble around like this forever man. its not fair; i got shit to do and plenny time to do it in.
im so scared, man.
i dont want the rest of my days to be fulla steroid treatments & cortisone shots just so i can walk up and down the steps w/o pain.
i hope im overreacting. i do worry too much all the time. and my mama did say that this one test is not definite & they'll have to do more bloodwork to be sure. so im goin home tomorrow to see my doctor on friday. i was lookin forward to the game & afterparty on saturday, but i may not make it (& keesh im sorry for not keepin you posted, but i haven't gotten any additional information :o/)
if i cant go b/c of my knees im gonna get so pissed & prolly fall into depression.
this is purely for my benefit. u won't miss anything by not reading & it's really long. lenee u'll prolly wanna read--it's the stuff from that class i was tellin u bout that broke out in pandemonium, i think ive mentioned it in eleswhere in the blawg too.
but yeah.
dont feel obligated.
---------------------------
last monday my blk feminist theory class exploded. im not gon go into too much detail cause i dont feel like typin a lot. basically tho, what happened is we were assigned to read bell hooks' "feminist theory: from margin to center" the week before & we were gonna talk about it in class that day.
two students were selected to lead discussion. spence and clint. both male, both white. i think ive talked about spence here before--1 yr younger than me, INCREDIBLY smart, rich, & conservative.
the whole class basically ended up with him and the other dudes in the class talkin about rape in relation to transy's campus. it was really bizzarre. rather than explain it all, i'll just past some emails and discussion board entries for u to read at your leisure if u care to. but beyond that class this entry wont be about anything else.
okay.. here's an email sent from my professor to me & catherine greene, a women's studies student & spence's girlfriend, basically summing up what happened in class:
We read bell hooks' Black Feminist Theory from Margin to Center --- it has
some similar themes to the Talking Back book that we read in the Intro but
its much angrier and more hostile towards white women and the mainstream
feminist movement in general. That 's one of the reasons I chose it -- I
wanted to talk about the power of anger in the black feminist movement and
see if the students would respond with defensiveness or with open minds.
Mostly I was wondering what the white women in the class would do, but as it
turns out the threat of women's empowerment (in general -- the class got
away from talking about black feminism pretty fast) was felt by, what a
surprise, white males.
I spoke for about 75 minutes and then turned the class over to Spence and
Clint who were assigned to lead discussion on that day. They both started
by talking about hooks' chapter about men. Clint essentially summarized the
chapter, making some comments, and then Spence tried to apply the issues in
the chapter to our campus here. I thought Spence's idea was a great one,
because the issue of how to talk to men about rape is important in any
community. Specifically, Spence asked if women's empowerment was a threat
to men -- at first the class talked about issues like the workforce,
politics, etc... and then we started to talk about rape. That's when the
conversation got bizarre. Spence asked why men felt threatened by
discussions about rape, and used as an example the times that anti rape
posters on his door have been torn down. Somehow this set off two other
males in the class, who felt that their "characters were being threatened".
One male in particular tried to shut down and stop talking (how antithetical
to hooks' message!!) but Spence wouldn't let him and kept pushing him. As
the males (not Spence) were talking about how they felt threatened, and how
this was a "generalization" and not a "concrete example" I saw about 60% of
the class females' faces just stare in shock, or mouths drop. UNFORTUNATELY
most of the women in the class didn't speak - only two really spoke up,
Tracy being one of them. I felt in an impossible situation because I cant
take the risk of calling on a female who may be sitting there in disbelief,
thinking about her own rape in the dorms. Luckily more females have
contributed to the discussion on Blackboard, yet this has been perceived by
class males as a "backlash against them". Now Im being accused of being an
anti-male professor, some of the males are thinking of dropping the class
and have talked to their advisors, and are saying things like the women in
the class are coming from a "women's studies perspective" and the males are
coming from a "philosophical perspective", the implication being that the
"women's studies" people don't understand the philosophical arguments that
they were trying to make. It's a real display of arrogance and male
privilege.
The worst part is, as Tracy pointed out on email, is that despite the
seriousness of sexual violence as a black feminist issue (now, in the past,
and throughout the world) the discussion was totally dominated BY white men,
and the content of the discussion was pretty much about them too -- there
actually wasn't much discussion about women at all, regardless of race.
At another college, Berea for example, it would be the female students and
female professor who would be going to talk to the Dean about this
situation, given the very hostile environment that was created in the
classroom about the issue of sexual violence (how do the students know that
I haven't been raped, for example). Many colleges have provisions about
this to protect students in the classroom, professors too. Transy isn't one
of them.
crazy, huh?
we have online discussions outside of class, and a student posted this comment anonymously:
I wanted to make the note that I was very disheartened by last night's discussion.
It seemed as though we took an issue that is very central to black feminist theory (the threat of female empowerment to the construction of 'masculinity') and went and made it about a problem white women have issue with. I'm not saying black women don't get raped, but our conversation was not about the rape of black women or the complex racial and sex based issues involved therein. I know the intention was to make it relevant, but I think we strayed away from our purpose in discussing these theories and ideas as they relate to black feminism.
The discussion was clouded by emotion and tangent and it was hard to determine where we were or where we were going with anything. I realize these issues may very well be emotional ones and many tangents will arise in their discussion, but that should not keep us from sticking to the point.
Afterall, if we are going to engage in dialogue, we need to realize that we are all people born and bred in the system- so there is no need to attack each other and hopefully no one will feel too personally attacked- we're dealing with the system, and while it has a very powerful influence on our identities (as witnessed last night), we can't let that influence keep us from the focus of our work.
That's my two cents.
to this, clint, one of the dudes who led the discussion, responded:
I see rape as a unique problem especially in relation to feminism because rape happens primarily to women irrespective of race, socio-economic class status, and sexual orientation. I understand, I think, your particular objection to Monday's class, however, I fail to see how our discussion didn't do justice to black feminist thought. In fact, (and I may be wrong, its happened before) I think of rape, sexual abuse, etc. as one of the issues that feminist movement should use to solidify the movement. Because it is a particulary female experience as stated above, it has the potential to bring women together and mobilize them like few other issues could possibly do.
and to this, i responded:
Allow me to completely disagree. I think it's all in the way we talk about it.
There are many, many women's issues that are universal to ALL women regardless of race, things like childbirth and motherhood, and of course, rape. But upon closer inspection, there are different groups of women who are affected by and deal with these issues in different manners. There's a reason why black feminist theorist talk and write about rape specificially in referene to black women--apparently there are issues concerning rape what feminism itself, as a white women's outlet, did not and does not cover. This is not to devalue the issues of rape that women of other classes, races, ethnicities, sexual orientations, etc. face. It's a black feminist theory course. The point here is to discuss rape in terms of black feminist theory.
Last night's discussion essentially took a few sentences about rape and applied it to Transy's community--a white community--and discussed it in those specific terms: young women (more than likely white) in an environment, like a frat party (overwhelmingly white), and how to talk to the men of Transy's community about it (also overwhelmingly white). This is exactly the reason why courses like Black Feminist Theory and concepts like womanism had to come into being. Black women were overlooked again last night.
Taking a few words from a text by a black woman about a woman's issue and applying it in this fashion does not make it a black feminist discussion. What we had last night was not a dialogue or discussion on black feminism. I did a lot of reading on black feminist issues that I would have loved to discuss in class, but it didn't come close to happening in the capacity that it should have last night.
Sitting there & listening to the back & forth, I mused to myself: how ironic is it that we can't even get Transy folk to talk about race in a class about black people?
I'll personally be damned if this happens all semester. I don't mean to sound angry, but I guess I sort of am.
I understand that emotions got a little hot and people got a little excited, and you know what? That's okay! That's great!
But let's get excited about black ladies next time.
-Tracy
okay.
it turns out that the anonymous post was made by kelly ball, young lesbian chick, co-student co-ordinator of DAC and Progress (student activist group). she sends me this email, titled 'Thank you Thank you Thank you!':
Tracy,
You made my day. It was so great to see your post on blackboard this morning. I had posted the original anonymous post about the discussion we had last class, and how completely off base it was. The onyl reason I made it anonymous is because I didn't want people to think I was being patronizing. But anyway, after the initial response or lack thereof, I felt even more beaten down and was questioning whether or not I was out of line. Its amazing how certain attitudes coming off people can get you so down and start distorting your opinions- I had begun to think that maybe we weren't off topic. Its a shame we were and that many people in the class may still think that. But I'll be damned too if I let this course be about white people- especially white men. From a simply rhetorical point, I hated how the men of the class seemed to be dominating the conversation.
But anyway, we've both got stuff to do and eventually a world to overturn, but I wanted to quickly say thanks cause sisterhood is a good, and very necessary thing.
Talk with you later,
Kelly
to this, i responded:
Okay, let me just say that I LOVE your emails. I've been on a self-esteem high all weekend :o)
And no, you weren't alone. I don't know why I didn't open my mouth on the matter during class. I hear that some of the male students are thinking about dropping the course, complaining to their advisors about Kim being 'anti-male...' How the hell the figure that is beyond me. She's been ridiculously calm, fair and logical on the matter, more so thatn I would have been.
Spence also sent me an email too, apologizing for class being off-track, but standing by his decision to bring up the matter in our classroom. I emailed him back saying that I'm not mad that he brought the matter up, but it should not have went on the way it did, for like 5 hours polarized between 2 or 3 individuals. I'm a woman. I recognize the importance and implications of rape--how can I not? But I'm also a part of marginalized, misrepresented, underrepresented population both on campus and in society itself. We need this course on this campus, and if everyday's discussion is gonna end up the way it did Monday, the course will defeat it's own purpose and everybody's gonna lose, u know? And it wasn't just black women overlooked Monday night, but women in general--men did the VAST majority of the talking. And lesbians too--we read a lot of great literature concerning lesbianism for class that day and we all could have learned something. And we should have learned something. But we didn't, so we all missed out.
Anyway, I'm rambling big time. I just wanted to say thanks for your email, and you won't have to worry about being the lone thinker on any matter in that class, I'm sure. You're in the same boat that Brittany and I are, though it may not be on a racial plain. So Britt & I are probably having the very same thoughts :o)
See you Sunday @ the DAC meeting!
-Tracy
and.
i also got an email from spence that day, titled 'Last Class:'
Tracy
You're contribution to blackboard is extremely well taken and I did not think of the racist implications behind pushing the class away from black feminism during discussion. That was both incredibly racist and insensitive of me and you have my sincere apologies.
However, with that said I stand by my decision to take the class where I took it. I was personally shocked by the fact that these men would be so arrogant as to believe that they had some right to take the fact that women get raped personally, and I was disturbed by the fact that they felt threatened by a discussion that was never personally about them. It was a patent display of male privelege, as these men felt that they had the right to hold a discussion about the rape of women and take it personally, and I think you overexagerate the extent to which this was a result of miscommunication; I see these sentiments expressed daily (If you need a particular example, I've heard from the Rambler's editor that Matt Smith's article for this week attempts to downplay the seriousness of rape on this campus, and questions the right of a woman to call a sex act rape if she was intoxicated). This is a very serious issue relevant to all people on this campus, black and white, and I defend my decision to take advantage of the opportunity provided by last class to push the issue. However, I will never be in charge of class discussion again and from now on out I will keep a low profile in class, so the opportunity for me to pull the class away from issues of Black Feminism, which I acknowledge that I did, will never arise again.
Again I apologize from my racist insensitivity, but I stand by what I did.
-SpenceII
to THIS i responded:
Hi Spence :o)
Sorry I am so late in responding; I've been away from campus a couple of days.
And thank you for your email. I appreciate your apology, though I wouldn't call what happened last class a racist act or anything. I wasn't intentional & I understand.
And I completely agree with you on the points you brought up then and now in relation to the reactions & responses of the men both in our class and on the campus as a whole. Maybe I am putting too much stock on the miscommunication thing, but I still do think that was a huge factor in that discussion. Guess we'll just hafta agree to disagree there.
And (<- as an English major I really shouldn't be starting everything with 'and') raising the issue of rape on Transy's campus was not a sin and I'm not upset that you did so at all. I agree, as members of this campus community, it is a very serious issue affecting everybody, blk & white, male & female alike. I at anytime welcome such a discussion--but it is vital that the timing and situation be appropriate, and I don't know that it was in the capacity that it happened. Discussing it is fine, but not for 2 hours. Not in a discussion led by 2-3 individuals. Not under those circumstances in a course about Black Feminist Theory, ESPECIALLY on a campus where courses like this are barely offered once a year.
I'll admit that a lot of my anger and dismay at the way Monday's class went down stems from personal sentiment--I see and feel that sort of overlooking everyday of my life, moreso at Transy where I am so vastly underrepresented; I hear that this course is being offered and I jump at the chance to take it so that I can learn more about myself,--I've not had that luxury very often here--only to not talk about issues of race related to gender AGAIN? That was a slap in the face to me. And through all of my venting, please know that I'm not blaming you personally for that or anything else.
I said all of that to say that I'm not saying that the discussion should not have happened. I'm saying that it should not have gone down the way it did, and it had to be made known early that that sort of discussion cannot happen too many times this semester. Otherwise the course will defeat its own purposes and we will all be slighted in the end.
I admire you standing by your decision, but again I guess we'll just hafta agree to disagree.
Before I wrap this up, I want to urge you not to keep a low profile at all. How contradictory would it be for you to be silenced within a discipline that defends and insists on everyone's right to have a voice? True, you challenge all of our thoughts and make us uncomfortable. But that's a good thing, Spence. That's how we'll all learn more about ourselves, each other, and society itself. Keep it up with consideration :o)
