im feelin that song by that white girl. kelly clarkson. guilty pleasure? mayhaps. not-so-guilty pleasure. addendum: not-so-gangsta pleasure. but i like it.
so
i sent in my first grad school ap last friday. im scared of not getting in. im scared of getting in, too. keep ur fingers crossed for me. hopefully i send out the other two this week.
its colder than cash money's wrists outside man. its gone be 10 degrees tonight & prolly not much warmer when im on the bus stop in the mornin. 28 is the high. i flippin hate winter and being cold. so i'll be on the corner lookin like ralphie's brother from 'a christmas story.'
but tis all good. and cold.
american idol starts tomorrow. AND YEAH IM EXCITED ABOUT IT! I AINT EVEN ASHAMED!!
im just blah blahin now. here's what's heavy on my mind right now.
so my aunt reda is staying w/ us. she moved out of her house on the very day the sherrif was set to set her out of it. her utilities aren't on yet b/c she doesn't have all the money to have it turned on, so til then, she's here w/ us.
i love her, but she's a bit of a leech. a thankful one, but a leech. she sort of takes and takes without intent to repay w/ certain ppl, namely my mama--the one time she's borrowed from me, she's paid me back. i know how family members can be. i dont want to be the one that everybody runs to and runs over.
ive been very reclusive lately. very. like 95% of the time i just wanna be shut up and locked up in my room in the bed on the phone. ive recognized this very recently as a flaw. maybe not a flaw, but something that can be harmful to me if i keep on the way i have been. so ive decided to try and make myself more available to the ppl i love & live with, at the very least.
so.
today reda was in my room. and we were watchin tv and talkin, whatever. and my granny came up stickin her nose in everycorner of everything. whatever. then my mama came up. shortly after that, my granny left. so for a good hr, my mother and aunt were in here w/ me when i'd normally be very alone. it made me nervous and i wanted them out but i fought it and was proud of me.
last night was ROOOOOOOOOOUGH because reda slept in the other bed in the other part of my room. she went to bed at 9:00, yo. lights off, tv off, everything. so i was put out of my room, my own private personal space. i was very irritated by that, but i mean she's fam. im not gonna tell her she cant sleep there (she's not sleepin there tonite tho, thank moses). so. i love her, want to help her, want her to do better. but i secretly want her out.
now.
before my granny and my mama came up, reda was tellin me abt how as soon as she gets the money to pay her utilities up, the sooner she can be out of our hair. of course my ears perk up at the latter, but the former.... made me pause a minute, but i thought nothin of it. surely she wasn't finna ask me for anything. she never does that, she goes to velva first.
'i got a check sittin at home that i cain't use,' she mentioned, very casually. 'it's not a local bank, so i cant cash it, and anyway i dont have a bank account. so yeah, i cant cash that. unless...' her eyes perked up. it felt so scripted, yo. i shlda lied, but that wlda been wrong. 'unless... you got a bank acct?'
..yeah.
'you do?'
..yeah.
'and we got the same last name, right?'
...
...yeah.
i laughed a little here-
uh oh.. you look like u tryna do sumthin illegal.
she laughed. 'naw, naw..'
so she's got this check that she says she can only cash if she signs it over to someone, has them deposit it in their account, give her the money in the amt of the check, and wait for that check to clear to get the money back.
so i agree and i feel like ive been suckered out of a hundred bucks, sorta. but what's even more than that, i feel like ive set a precedent, and that from now on she'll think it's fine to come to me, tracy, who has no bills and no financial responsibilities to speak of and makes more money than she does, for money. and if that happens, she'll get comfortable. and if that happens, then like my mama, she may just stop paying be back in the course of being extra extra grateful.
of course this is a pessimistic view.
but its possible.
but im gonna do it. she's family and i love her. and the sooner she gets set up in her own crib, the sooner she's not in here, as harsh as that sounds. lol.. im not tellin my mama though. i know she wont approve.
all i freakin know is that if in 4-5 days, that 100 bucks is not back in my account...
its gon be some furniture movin.
that jack johnson documentary is on.. i gotta go make me sumn to eat so i can watch!
so first things first-
i had the date mixed up for my GRE. it wasnt monday. it was tuesday.
i dont think i did well. what shocked me was that i did better on the math section than the VERBAL section. AND I DIDNT EVEN FINISH THE MATH SECTION!!!
490 verbal
570 math
dunno what i got on the writing.
im just glad its over.
what else, what else..
i feel mad and aggrivated tonight. first let's talk abt how it was near 70 degrees today. saturday the high will only be 26. so that
and tsunamis
and mudslides
and rain in southern california when tony toni tone said it never does that
and earthquakes
and flooding
the fk is goin on!
crazy man.
i was sort of forced out of my house tonight. i assumed itd be a quick deal. sean called me after i got home from work and said he was gonna be in the area & he was gonna visit teddy at the studio (at which pt i rolled my eyes) and he was gonna come through. im like okay fine. i hadnt seen him in months, literally, cause he had his license revoked and i had his christmas present and he has mine so we'd been plannin for the past month to exchange. so when he called today i didnt wanna go, but i felt obligated. so i did.
let me mention here that he aint even have my present with him.
anyway
we get to the studio and sit for like an hr and a half. i mean its a nice studio. nice equipment.. dunno abt the dudes who was usin it tho. i mean they beats was okay, but i grew bored w/ their sounds. and they were nice so i nodded my head for em a bit. mostly me and sean just sat and laughed and joked. so did teddy. he didnt really do anything.
i still dont feel completely comfortable in his presence and id rather not be in it just yet for reasons both obvious and unexplainable. we can kick it like 15 mins before i start looking for an exit. oh, and how bout teddy still aint drivin so he rode w/ me and sean back to my house when he dropped me off.
they came in and said hi to my mama. she likes them, as does like everyone else. they're good dudes.
she fuckin loves teddy though. and he's such a suck up. so they're catchin up and she moves behind him in his chair and taps his shoulder. he's all 'and feel free to give me a massage if u feel so inclined'
so we all sittin there, she massagin him and just eatin up everything, and he's been buggin her for some chili (he, the supposed vegetarian.. lyin ass), so of course she perks right up and offers to make him some.
sean's there so she offers him some too.
on saturday.
THIS saturday.
6:00.
my house.
muh
ther
fuck.
yall i dont wanna sound like a bad person but damn, she aint even ask me what i was doin saturday. i am completely unexcited abt this.
so now im grumpy and grumbly.
and i didnt get to work on my fucking application tonight.
*sigh* i feel bad. they really are good dudes.
we just aint at the kickin-it-like-old-homies tip yet, teddy & i arent.
seems i only come here when i need to gripe. things have been fine since the last time, and i noticed that in that time period i didnt wanna come here & write anything. i was gonna come here and update and simply type that i dont wanna write here. but i didnt even do that, cause i didnt wanna write here that much.
but now i got some gripes.
but i guess i got some updates too.
that last entry was just as i suspected, notwithstanding the truth and significance of everything. but my mama was just feeling bad and crotchity cause she was sick. we made up the next day. after school special style.
..i still meant everything i said though.
um.. christmas was nice. got some goodies from the office folks--some hot chocolate and a dumb santa lotion dispenser or something from the white lady, chocolates from robin, money from tom. we went out to lunch at this fancy schmancy ritzy place with the absolute worst food id ever tasted. gourmet shit. the desserts was sexy as hell though. if i would have been in company more like myself i'd still have lemon bars from the occassion if u get what im tellin ya.
got an air hockey table for christmas.. lol how crazy is that.
um.. everything else has been pretty much normal. i been goin to work and comin home and goin to work and comin home and lathering and rinsing and repeating. nothing new. this yr ive resolved to drink more water, so i spent lots and lotsa time peeing. it makes me feel good though. i feel all proactive, especially coupled with the moves i been makin to get ready to send my applications in. of course, i gotta be late with at least something, so as of now im rushing to get my application to temple in. actually it's all done. just waiting on my last recommendation to come in the mail and i gotta take my GRE, which i'll do tomorrow.
and here's where the griping comes in.
im completely not ready and its all my fault. ive been studying, but admittedly not like i should have been. i have 0 confidence in getting a score high enough for temple or anywhere else for that matter. i guess the good thing is that the other schools im applying to dont require that i take the gre. but temple does. and the app deadline is the 15th of this month. and this is the only deadline for the fall semester so its not like i can just take it over if i do poorly and use that score instead. and i want to be in school by the fall, somewhere, so if i dont get into temple this year, then im not going. hopefully one of the other two schools will want me, and if they do, that's where i'll be.
it probably sounds like temple's my number one choice. it's not. i dont know that i have a number one choice. i would like to be there, though, for reasons beyond education of course. i didnt wanna be staring down the barrel of a 'what if' if i didnt even try to get there, so i applied, and now if i dont get in b/c of my gre score i'll feel like i cheated myself by not bucking down the way i should have to make shit happen.
it's almost 6. i been in my pajamas studyin all day since i got outta bed at like 12. no shower. didn't comb my hair.
yeah. lol
i been lookin pretty bad lately. i feel like i wanna go shop and buy some new shit and get my hair done to remedy that. maybe i will. but i prolly wont.
i stay on the phone lately, like 24/7. i used near 16,000 minutes last billing period (thank god for sprint to sprint). we were on the phone last night some time. the baby was over and i was playing with her at the table when my mother told me that my granny was smoking in the basement and we should go stop her. im like fine, so i scoop up the little one and walk downstairs with her behind my mother.
she spoke very harshly to my granny about lotsa things, about my granny breakin the leg of my air hockey table (which she denies), about her almost falling and probably breaking something as she was climbin out of the storage closet, and about who knows what else. she used phrases like 'oh, dont play dumb' and 'dont be dumb' or 'that was a dumb thing to do' in very red, biting tones and i was embarrassed that he heard that on the other end of the phone line. i know that on the surface and even a bit below that seems so unbelievable and unacceptable and disrespectful, for a woman of no matter what age to talk to her mother the way my mama did. but there are other dynamics at work that you sorta have to live her to understand. i think that he understands. i hope so, he probably does from the way i pour into his ear about it on & on & on. but still i felt embarrassed and ashamed of her for talking to her that way.
and thus ends another chapter in the mama vs. granny vs. girl in the center drama.
i guess i'll study some more after i eat this evening.
speaking of eating, my mama just walked in w/ dinner. she went and got me sumthing to make me feel better :o)
wish my luck yall. if itll help anything at all.
and feel free to pray too.
hard.
HARD.
edit-
i forgot to mention this. teddy's started callin again. after the last fiasco i think we've been on a mutual hiatus til the revisited awkwardness died down. im sorta glad cause i dont wanna think that ive chased a friend away, but. dude's back up to his old tricks again.
he called today as i was studying. luckily i'd just gotten mad enough to take a break so we rapped for a minute abt nothin.
'yeah, so random story,' he says to me. when he says this i go on alert.
'yeah so im in the studio with the nappy roots, and..'
i stopped listening, gave a few 'mhmms' and pity laughs. convo came to a pause. me:
