im feelin that song by that white girl. kelly clarkson. guilty pleasure? mayhaps. not-so-guilty pleasure. addendum: not-so-gangsta pleasure. but i like it.
so
i sent in my first grad school ap last friday. im scared of not getting in. im scared of getting in, too. keep ur fingers crossed for me. hopefully i send out the other two this week.
its colder than cash money's wrists outside man. its gone be 10 degrees tonight & prolly not much warmer when im on the bus stop in the mornin. 28 is the high. i flippin hate winter and being cold. so i'll be on the corner lookin like ralphie's brother from 'a christmas story.'
but tis all good. and cold.
american idol starts tomorrow. AND YEAH IM EXCITED ABOUT IT! I AINT EVEN ASHAMED!!
im just blah blahin now. here's what's heavy on my mind right now.
so my aunt reda is staying w/ us. she moved out of her house on the very day the sherrif was set to set her out of it. her utilities aren't on yet b/c she doesn't have all the money to have it turned on, so til then, she's here w/ us.
i love her, but she's a bit of a leech. a thankful one, but a leech. she sort of takes and takes without intent to repay w/ certain ppl, namely my mama--the one time she's borrowed from me, she's paid me back. i know how family members can be. i dont want to be the one that everybody runs to and runs over.
ive been very reclusive lately. very. like 95% of the time i just wanna be shut up and locked up in my room in the bed on the phone. ive recognized this very recently as a flaw. maybe not a flaw, but something that can be harmful to me if i keep on the way i have been. so ive decided to try and make myself more available to the ppl i love & live with, at the very least.
so.
today reda was in my room. and we were watchin tv and talkin, whatever. and my granny came up stickin her nose in everycorner of everything. whatever. then my mama came up. shortly after that, my granny left. so for a good hr, my mother and aunt were in here w/ me when i'd normally be very alone. it made me nervous and i wanted them out but i fought it and was proud of me.
last night was ROOOOOOOOOOUGH because reda slept in the other bed in the other part of my room. she went to bed at 9:00, yo. lights off, tv off, everything. so i was put out of my room, my own private personal space. i was very irritated by that, but i mean she's fam. im not gonna tell her she cant sleep there (she's not sleepin there tonite tho, thank moses). so. i love her, want to help her, want her to do better. but i secretly want her out.
now.
before my granny and my mama came up, reda was tellin me abt how as soon as she gets the money to pay her utilities up, the sooner she can be out of our hair. of course my ears perk up at the latter, but the former.... made me pause a minute, but i thought nothin of it. surely she wasn't finna ask me for anything. she never does that, she goes to velva first.
'i got a check sittin at home that i cain't use,' she mentioned, very casually. 'it's not a local bank, so i cant cash it, and anyway i dont have a bank account. so yeah, i cant cash that. unless...' her eyes perked up. it felt so scripted, yo. i shlda lied, but that wlda been wrong. 'unless... you got a bank acct?'
..yeah.
'you do?'
..yeah.
'and we got the same last name, right?'
...
...yeah.
i laughed a little here-
uh oh.. you look like u tryna do sumthin illegal.
she laughed. 'naw, naw..'
so she's got this check that she says she can only cash if she signs it over to someone, has them deposit it in their account, give her the money in the amt of the check, and wait for that check to clear to get the money back.
so i agree and i feel like ive been suckered out of a hundred bucks, sorta. but what's even more than that, i feel like ive set a precedent, and that from now on she'll think it's fine to come to me, tracy, who has no bills and no financial responsibilities to speak of and makes more money than she does, for money. and if that happens, she'll get comfortable. and if that happens, then like my mama, she may just stop paying be back in the course of being extra extra grateful.
of course this is a pessimistic view.
but its possible.
but im gonna do it. she's family and i love her. and the sooner she gets set up in her own crib, the sooner she's not in here, as harsh as that sounds. lol.. im not tellin my mama though. i know she wont approve.
all i freakin know is that if in 4-5 days, that 100 bucks is not back in my account...
its gon be some furniture movin.
that jack johnson documentary is on.. i gotta go make me sumn to eat so i can watch!
