seems i only come here when i need to gripe. things have been fine since the last time, and i noticed that in that time period i didnt wanna come here & write anything. i was gonna come here and update and simply type that i dont wanna write here. but i didnt even do that, cause i didnt wanna write here that much.
but now i got some gripes.
but i guess i got some updates too.
that last entry was just as i suspected, notwithstanding the truth and significance of everything. but my mama was just feeling bad and crotchity cause she was sick. we made up the next day. after school special style.
..i still meant everything i said though.
um.. christmas was nice. got some goodies from the office folks--some hot chocolate and a dumb santa lotion dispenser or something from the white lady, chocolates from robin, money from tom. we went out to lunch at this fancy schmancy ritzy place with the absolute worst food id ever tasted. gourmet shit. the desserts was sexy as hell though. if i would have been in company more like myself i'd still have lemon bars from the occassion if u get what im tellin ya.
got an air hockey table for christmas.. lol how crazy is that.
um.. everything else has been pretty much normal. i been goin to work and comin home and goin to work and comin home and lathering and rinsing and repeating. nothing new. this yr ive resolved to drink more water, so i spent lots and lotsa time peeing. it makes me feel good though. i feel all proactive, especially coupled with the moves i been makin to get ready to send my applications in. of course, i gotta be late with at least something, so as of now im rushing to get my application to temple in. actually it's all done. just waiting on my last recommendation to come in the mail and i gotta take my GRE, which i'll do tomorrow.
and here's where the griping comes in.
im completely not ready and its all my fault. ive been studying, but admittedly not like i should have been. i have 0 confidence in getting a score high enough for temple or anywhere else for that matter. i guess the good thing is that the other schools im applying to dont require that i take the gre. but temple does. and the app deadline is the 15th of this month. and this is the only deadline for the fall semester so its not like i can just take it over if i do poorly and use that score instead. and i want to be in school by the fall, somewhere, so if i dont get into temple this year, then im not going. hopefully one of the other two schools will want me, and if they do, that's where i'll be.
it probably sounds like temple's my number one choice. it's not. i dont know that i have a number one choice. i would like to be there, though, for reasons beyond education of course. i didnt wanna be staring down the barrel of a 'what if' if i didnt even try to get there, so i applied, and now if i dont get in b/c of my gre score i'll feel like i cheated myself by not bucking down the way i should have to make shit happen.
it's almost 6. i been in my pajamas studyin all day since i got outta bed at like 12. no shower. didn't comb my hair.
yeah. lol
i been lookin pretty bad lately. i feel like i wanna go shop and buy some new shit and get my hair done to remedy that. maybe i will. but i prolly wont.
i stay on the phone lately, like 24/7. i used near 16,000 minutes last billing period (thank god for sprint to sprint). we were on the phone last night some time. the baby was over and i was playing with her at the table when my mother told me that my granny was smoking in the basement and we should go stop her. im like fine, so i scoop up the little one and walk downstairs with her behind my mother.
she spoke very harshly to my granny about lotsa things, about my granny breakin the leg of my air hockey table (which she denies), about her almost falling and probably breaking something as she was climbin out of the storage closet, and about who knows what else. she used phrases like 'oh, dont play dumb' and 'dont be dumb' or 'that was a dumb thing to do' in very red, biting tones and i was embarrassed that he heard that on the other end of the phone line. i know that on the surface and even a bit below that seems so unbelievable and unacceptable and disrespectful, for a woman of no matter what age to talk to her mother the way my mama did. but there are other dynamics at work that you sorta have to live her to understand. i think that he understands. i hope so, he probably does from the way i pour into his ear about it on & on & on. but still i felt embarrassed and ashamed of her for talking to her that way.
and thus ends another chapter in the mama vs. granny vs. girl in the center drama.
i guess i'll study some more after i eat this evening.
speaking of eating, my mama just walked in w/ dinner. she went and got me sumthing to make me feel better :o)
wish my luck yall. if itll help anything at all.
and feel free to pray too.
hard.
HARD.
edit-
i forgot to mention this. teddy's started callin again. after the last fiasco i think we've been on a mutual hiatus til the revisited awkwardness died down. im sorta glad cause i dont wanna think that ive chased a friend away, but. dude's back up to his old tricks again.
he called today as i was studying. luckily i'd just gotten mad enough to take a break so we rapped for a minute abt nothin.
'yeah, so random story,' he says to me. when he says this i go on alert.
'yeah so im in the studio with the nappy roots, and..'
i stopped listening, gave a few 'mhmms' and pity laughs. convo came to a pause. me:
