me, my mama, and my playaunt tresa. 3 miles or so. afterwards we stopped at a bar and had greasy meals. lol
we had fun tho, sittin round talkin bout american idol, and politics, and the schivo case.
about the shiavo case (as u can see, i dunno how to spell her name correctly)
ive been avoiding taking any particular side cause it makes my head and heart hurt to think about it. and i still havent taken any sides, but i do lean closer to one than the other, i think.
i think that at the most basic, rudimentary level not considering possible motives or politics or pro-lifers or leftists or comparisons to abortion and the death penalty or killing someone vs. murder
in the case of a husband who has seen his wife lay brain dead with no hope of recovering for 15 years
i can understand why he'd want to let her die. now. "letting her die" is not murder, in my opinion. ppl compare it to murder, but it doesnt translate, not in my mind. murder is not a natural death. feeding tubes and respirators do not constitute a natural life. without them she'd die, her bodily functions would naturally cease. put a bullet in somebody's head and they die by your hand, unnatrually.
the argument here i suppose is 'well, removing that tube forces her functions to cease cause she can't live without it.'
well that's the point. she can't live without it because she's already dead. she hasnt been alive for 15 years. ppl compare removing the tube and letting her die to playing god. well guess what, guys--inserting that tube in the first place is just as big a role, keeping her here when everything else is done, when she'd die otherwise. and i guess an argument to be made here would be "well ppl take medicine to stay alive that they may die without." yeah, but that's the thing. the medicine keeps them alive. that tube is just keeping her here. she's already gone.
i cant imagine living that long in that state.
its hard to imagine having to see my once beautiful child in that condition and then being faced with having her taken from me completely, too.
so its sticky and complicated. that's as deep as im gonna get in it. basics.
today at the table my mama plainly stated to me that if that ever happens to her, just let her go. god forbid i should ever have to do it, but if i ever do i will.
my big ol luscious rotund christmas ham. if u dont wanna hear about said ass in question, leave now or shut up. NATE, THIS MEANS I DONT WANT NO ANTI-TRACY'S ASS COMMENTS IN MY COMMENT BOX.
so anyway this entry will be about the woes of having 39 and a half inch hips. it will be about the strife, the struggle, the strength it takes to merely walk home from work some days.
am i exaggerating? u bet ur bippy i am. shut up and lemme build.
today it was 70+ degrees. forecasted at 75, but i dont think it got that warm. sun was out, didnt need a jacket. tons of people everywhere, especially with the big pep rally for the university of louisville bassitball players goin on down the street (go cards!). 16,000 people tryna cram on one street. it was wild.
anyway
b/t that and it just being a beautiful day, mad ppl were out and about. especially blk folk. especially as u got deeper into the west end of town, which is where i live. since it was nice out i decided to walk home. it's like a 3 mile walk, maybe a little over. today i had on an orange sweater, low rise courderoy pants, brown belt, brown timbs. i admit the cords fit a little snug in the rear, but that's cause they hip huggers and made for white girls. but they stretch and they're comfortable.
so im headin down broadway at a really nice pace.
dudes in louisville are some of the most aggressive ive encountered. i mean niggas will stop in the middle of traffic to holla at u and expect you to come running out to meet him and see what he wants. if you dont respond to them as they drive by, or if they figure they cant make it over to you in time, niggas will circle the block and cut you off at the next approaching intersection and will NOT let u thru til u talk to them. its like that.
so with that in mind, i counted 46 car honks, 'ay, shawty's (et. al.), and approaches before i got to 33rd street and lost count. no lie. and the thing about it is, half of them came from behind me, meaning that they were speaking/honking strictly because of the backview. if i turned around lookin like shabba ranks or sumn they'da been mad as hell. as such, i determined today that i simply must have the phattest ass in the west end.
anyway some memorable moments:
--im approaching 18th street, and i walk past a schoolyard with some little boys and a girl swinging on the swingset and talking. i smile at them and i swear i hear a little one yell 'ay shawty! c'mere!'
my smile leaves and im like wtf? he's like 2 yrs old!
o how quickly the babies learn.
--the first person who actually stopped me to talk to me was this old man with a gap so big at the front of his mouth that at first glance i thought there was one missing. he smiled real big, though, and the happiness filled the void.
'hey, sista, how u doin this evening?'
im fine, thank you. i smiled real big at him too, cause im nice like that and he was nice enough to speak to me in passing.
'alright now, you have a blessed day, hear?'
aw. i love it when ppl tell me to have a blessed day. i will. thank you, very much. nother big smile.
'ay, sista, what's your name?'
i stop to tell him, again, cause im nice like that. i had a feeling he was gonna ask me if i was married or somethin. typically ill be nice enough to stop and talk to someone ill have to turn down rather than just roll my eyes and keep goin unless im severely not in the mood. so i tell him my name.
'tracy. tracy, how old are you?' i tell him. 'you stay around here? where you live?'
okay, too close for comfort. i vaguely point in a direction opposite of where im going. 'okay okay, cause i was just wondering, do you have a church home?' oh. he was gon try and hook me up with a church in my area. he's a bit redeemed. instinctively i say, yes i do, im a member of 5th street baptist and smile proudly.
'oh okay, im just makin sure, cause im muslim see, i belong to the mosque up there and i just want everybody to know god some kinda way. so.. you married?' i flash him the wedding band i always wear. if u've seen the james brown interview, do u remember the noise james brown makes at the end? A-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's what he did. then he bid me farewell: 'alright then sista, you take care and be blessed!' i thank him and figure that wasnt so bad. he's not as sleezy as he looks.
but then i hear him mumble
'mmph, goddamn girl so sexy look at that mumblemumblemumble'
and im thinkin wtf? can u do that? can u use god in your pimpin like that? how u a good muslim one minute and lustin the next.
ugh.
--i think its funny how dudes expect you to put yourself in harm's way just to talk to them. at least 5 dudes stopped straight in the middle of traffic, completely held everybody up, opened their doors/rolled down their windows and yelled 'ay, girl! c'murr real quick! ay!' what i found really funny though was the group of 7 drunken dudes loitering outside of a liquor store beckoning me near. yeah, okay.. here i come, little vulnerable 5 ft 3 me headfirst into a crowd of rowdy aggressive men. yi-ti-dee!
nigga please.
--this is the kicker tho. im gettin closer and closer to home, walkin near the family dollar at like 32nd street or something. coming toward me at a distance and at a slow pace is a middle aged man on a bike. up next to me comes a gold ford something or other with two dudes in it who are about the same skin tone. the driver was foul looking. he just looked like he smelled bad and he kept making weird faces at me. and when he pulled up he looked at me and said
so as he was trying to talk to me, i heard a car honking and someone yelling in the background at some one. so after i flash dude my ring, he makes another ugly ass face and pulls off and yall
that car hadnt gotten off the curb yet before ANOTHER car pulls right in the same spot. its a dusty red little car with a high yella middle aged man with a huge grin and a big ass gold tooth yellin 'GIIIIIIIIIIIRL I HAD TO TURN ALL THE WAY AROUND JUST TO COME AND OFFER YOU A RIDE!!' i think back and i remember: i saw him pull over and stick his head out the window waaaay back at blockbuster on like 23rd street.
what got me though was the man on the bike who literally almost fell off his bike laughing at the exchange. i had to laugh myself.
--so i finally get around the corner. im walkin down 34th street about to cross in the middle cause a buncha dealers hang at the end of that street and i dont like walkin past them. 34th is a really busy street and it was today especially with everybody out and about. so i stand there and wait and wait and stand there. the whole time i feel somebody in the house behind me standin in the door lookin at me, but it was cool cause they didnt say anything.
until i got across the street.
'ay, slim, come here for a minute.'
nigga did u see how hard it was for me to cross this street???
so in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, the life of a 34-29-39.5 woman is NOT all its cracked up to be.
about 20 minutes ago i heard a door slam and didn't think anything of it. bout 5 minutes later i hear my grandmother coming up the steps to my room, sniffling. a crying sniffle. i figure she and my mama had another stupid little spat and she just needed to get away from my mama for awhile. figured she'd sit on the edge of my bed and talk in a low sad tone about uncle bobby and everyother depressing thing she would muster, conclude with a remark about my mama and what happened and leave.
i dont turn to look at her until she calls my name. her voice is strangled and she's almost hyperventilating.
'tracy, what of your stuff have i bothered down there that you cain't find?'
uh.. what?
she repeats it with what i thought was growing anger in her voice. i didnt know if she was fussing and mad at me or what. she then says a bunch of stuff like 'if i ever do something to ur stuff that u dont like, i wish u'd tell me, just tell me,' cryin all hard on the bed in the other part of my room. im bewildered like a motherfucker. i just look at her cause i dont even know how to respond.
couple minutes later, up comes my mother. i dont remember what she said exactly, but from what she said i gathered a crude synopsis of the situation. my mama was in the basement looking for a box. she cant find it and gets frustrated. she asks my granny. she prolly gets defensive and claims, as usual, that she has no knowledge of any box and hasnt moved anything. i think she does that b/c she knows she's not supposed to be moving anything, and she knows we hate it when she moves thing because we can never find it again, and she knows we've asked her to stop doing it, but she just can't bear to oblige b/c that's just how she is. so, she denies it. let my mother tell it, a firm but rational conversation between the two of them transpires and my granny breaks out in tears for no reason. i don believe that. my mama got a bad temper, and my granny, who, i admit, acts like a child as of late (ever heard the saying "once a man, twice a child?"), often finds herself on the business end of an angry daughter who now feels like her mother and talks to her as such when she gets angry.
at this point my granny is crying and accusing my mother of just that.
'..and im sick and tired of bein talked to like a dog!' my mother denies doing so, obviously angered and sort of hurt too, maybe. 'yes u do! the only time u're nice to me is when i call u at work!'
i have to side with my granny here, and i told my mother so after my grandmother went back downstairs and it was my mothers turn to use my ears as anger recepticals.
'..and she always say that! she always says that i treat her like a dog, i dont talk to her like a dog!'
here i decided to get my grown woman on and interject. 'can i say something that u probably wont like really quick?' she gives the okay. 'you probably dont realize it, but when you get frustrated, you do talk to her rather disrespectfully, in my opinion.' i was proud of myself. i said it calmly and firmly and looked her right in the eyes. i expected her to get mad at me and feel betrayed, but instead she said
'okay, ill work on that.'
me: will you apologize for it?
'hell no.'
the front door just slammed about 5 mintues ago. i assume that my mother's gone, probably down to tiara's house. that's where she goes when the house gets on her nerves.
so my granny's prolly downstairs somewhere upset. i really want to stay in my room the rest of the night. i will go down and check on her in a bit, though. i dont like the way she was breathing.
it was like watching tiara and andrea fight. sometimes i feel like the only adult around here.
one of my aunt tennie's kids says he's scared she won't physically make it through uncle bobby's passing. she already refuses to go back to her house without him and stays at the hospital 24/7.
and u know what? i think she loves him so much that if it is possible to die of a broken heart, she's a candidate. i pray to god it doesnt happen.
and #2
remember crazy ass stephanie? the girlfriend of my brother's youth who he's currently been seeing again?
she's moving in with him.
... laaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd give us strunff.
*addendum: memorable quips b/t travis & i
i dunno why i like to record these
before trav told tiara that stef's movin in w/ him he apparently told her that he was getting married to a white woman, probably hoping to make the real news seem like a lighter load to bear. they got home and tiara was talkin about how mean a joke that was and i told her
'well dont worry. not many people tend to marry outside their species anyway.'
*rimshot*
later she was looking back and laughing at it and she said he made her sick. i said
'well that tends to happen when you look at him'
*rimshot* hiyoooooo
i insulted him again later that day and when he finished laughing he looked at me with this slithery, menacing, deceptive smile and just said
'i like your bangs, tracy.'
sometimes a well-placed, perfectly executed compliment can be the most cutting, biting insult ever. lol that one hurt and i still dont know why
this one is a lonely one. i woke up to an empty house. i wish we'da went to church. easter doesnt feel right without it & its what we always did as a part of this day (christmas, only my granny gets up early enough to go to church). and this year the girls aren't here because they're celebrating with their new family.
the house is still empty. im still in my pj's sittin in a dirty room. eh.
it did sort of bring two of my uncles home for awhile yesterday, though. my uncle ronald drove in yesterday morning from nicholasville which is near lexington (which is where i went to school and is about an hr and a half away), and my uncle gilbert and his daughter and soon-to-be ex-wife (i was surprised to see her) drove in from jamestown (in southern kentucky, where my family is originally from). they didn't stay long though. i only visited with them for an hour or so before they and my granny left for the hospital to see uncle bobby.
that's why they were really hear. death & sickness bring ppl together moreso than holidays these days.
my mama was up at the hospital yesterday, too, and my brother came in town to go visit with everyone (he's still here though. leaving today). i was the only one who wasn't there and i felt bad, but candis was in town and we went to go get brittany a baby book and a few other things. we went and saw her later that night. it was weird. the baby is beautiful. she looks just like brittany with glasses, lol. teddy went, too. sean was supposed to go but he's in georgetown with his girlfriend this weekend (teddy has a girlfriend too now!!!! that's like the greatest news ive heard in quite. some. time. while he was over my house his cell phone rang and he told me to answer it when it rang, and if i continue on with this story im gonna completely forget where im goin with the first one so ill save it. its not that big a story anyway). no one held her but brittany. even though ive seen the two of them in the same space, together, it still feels surreal to me. very unreal. and truth be told, it makes me kind of sad for her even though i see that she's happy. i think i know why. i wont admit it tho.
what's that? which game you ask? why, the game that JUST SENT LOUISVILLE TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (in ur face, nate!!)
oh man.
o man
that game nearly made me go gray we're down by as much as 20 in the first half down by 13 at halftime manage to tie at the end of the second half battle back to win the game WITHOUT garcia
the streets afterward were armageddon. it looked dead up like derby. bumper to bumper traffic. cars everywhere. blk ppl walkin through traffic w/ they L's in the air, pom poms, louisville flags & pennants, fully decked out in all they u of l attire. it was beautiful. i took some pictures of that too. its not lettin me upload em here so ill link em
crazy. im a little nervous abt this illinois game, but i think we gon be ready. enough time to get rested up and hyped up and healed up. im lookin forward to it.
my brother just came in. i cant remember if i had anything else to mention here, so im gonna go see if i cant coerce everybody into going out for dinner since there will be no easter dinner here :o/
i dunno if i shld be doin this at work or not. i need to learn how to erase any & all traces of tihs blawg address. caint be havin the Man all up in my bidness like that. but im sittin here w/ nothin to do cause robin's outta town in las vegas.
but yeah. i got lots to talk abt. --------------------------- brittany had her baby!
Assata Khalil (Camille.. i forget which) showed up March 21st at around 12:30 or so. 7 lbs, 11 ounces
20 inches. !!
she'll be taller than me by the time she's 5.
i havent seen them yet. i cant get up w/ britt on the phone lately. soon tho.
when brittany called to tell me, there was so much awe and wonderment in her voice. she'll be a great mother. she's too strong not to be.
this still doesnt make sense to me though. its like she just grew up over night. id be lying if i said i didnt miss her. i dont feel like there's much room for me now.
back when britt first started to drift away, richard (her boyfriend/baby daddy) told me that britt told him that if she did get pregnant, if she was to ask anyone to be godmother to her child, it would be me.
i doubt she'd ask me now, though.
still! new babies are dope yall. im happy for her :o) -------------------- my uncle bobby is still holding on. my mother and i went to the hospital to see him on monday, i believe. we got there during unvisiting hours though and couldn't actually go back to see him. he's on a respirator and conscious and trying to talk and still recognizing people. somehow i think the dr's have underestimated his strength. and his stubbornness.
we visited w/ everyone in the waiting room instead. it was like a family reunion. little cousins i used to babysit are now as tall as me, soon to be taller. all his children were there--dorothy, earlene, morgan, murrell (who came down from VA/DC)... and im forgetting someone. but they were there too. so was sandy, morgan's wife, and their two children, brianna and regina; burtram and his wife and two children (burtee burt used to do my hair--he got skills but he's slow and charges too much and is overrun with chickenheads tryna get they hurr did for the club erryweekend); cousin felicia and her two children, kevin and erica; delon, dorothy's son; oh! dewayne was the other of bobby's kids i was forgetting. he was there too. i think that's all.
man that waiting room was loud as hell. there was a list of waiting room rules and regulations on the wall, each of which they had carefully broken.
1. (paraphrasing) Be quiet. -- they broke that all up as soon as they walked in, i just know it. 2. Don't rearrange waiting room furniture. -- the chair i sat in was directly in the middle of the room in front of the tv. behind it was a chairless space on the wall. ...yeah. 3. No outside food. -- you should have seen the long john silver's bags and cups and containers in there. i felt like i was in the actual restaurant.
speaking of food, cousin dorothy's in a wheelchair now. she's like, huge. unhealthily huge. morbidly so. my granny said she's got some kind of blood disease, which my mama says is actually a glandular disease. i dont know what it does, but obviously its got to do with her weight. my mother says that she cant lose any because of it, but i refuse to believe that if she'd just change the way she eats she wouldn't lose one single ounce of a pound. like, why are you eating long john silver's? why are you not 50 yet and in a wheelchair? come on, now.
i hope she gets better.
tennie was in a wheelchair too. but she's old and getting around for her is hard. she's still hanging in there. she looked pretty down when i saw her, but she was probably tired. there was another old lady there too, one i dont think i'd met before. i suspicion that she was inez, uncle bobby's sister.
we walked in and everybody gushed over my hair. ive been getting that aLOT lately. the mailman came in here yesterday and said something about it. i saw tresa 2 days ago after not seeing her for awhile and that's the first thing she said. the only difference is that ive been wearing it super straight lately (there's a picture of it in the okp directory for those hip to its existence)
dude speakin of that why did someone from the boards see it and say i look like janice, dr. teeth's girlfriend on the muppets?? LOL! and he's right! lol
anyway we did that for awhile and i caught up w/ them all. i hadnt seen them all in one place in one time for the longest. i was surprised to find that burt and his wife had another baby. i had no idea they were expecting. and yall.. this baby is GOR.GEOUS. omg.. okay, b/t me and you, burt and his wife arent that attractive. especially burt. and they both have tremeeeeeendous underbites. their first daughter, unfortunately, looks just like burtram :o( but this new baby looks adopted. for real. on that side of the family there's a weird gene that surfaces in their children every once in awhile, not one that causes albinoism, but its very close to that, i think. burt and his wife both have dark skin. i wouldnt call them dark skinned, perse, but looking at them there's no way you'd think they'd have a baby as golden as this little girl. she looks mixed, wavy brown hair, light eyes and all. the same happened with brianna, sandy and morgan's little girl. aside from facial features, u'd never think she was their child.
its odd.
anyway, we visited there with them and never got to see uncle bobby. my mama was mad b/c my granny wouldnt go. she claimed it was because her legs were hurting so bad, but those same hurting legs never stop her from gardening and climbing on chairs and doing other things she shouldn't be doing. she just didn't want to go and she used them as an excuse. i can understand her not wanting to be there--though i dont think its because she hates hospitals or hates to see uncle bobby like that, i think she just didnt want to leave the house b/c she never wants to go anywhere but to church and to walgreens and to krogers. when my granny was in the hospital, yall, my aunt tennie was up there every.single.day, and my granny was soooooo mean to her, cussin at her tellin her to go home and carryin on. but my aunt tennie stayed with her cause she loves her, and now that tennie's husband is dying and she needs her sister, the only living relative left of their generation, she's not gonna go? that's selfish. my mother told her so. she went to see him and tennie on wednesday and i was proud of her.
so, we're sort of just keeping vigil and praying and waiting around to see what happens. i never pray for god to keep him here. i halfway think that would be a selfish thing to do given his health; i dont want him to stay here suffering for our benefit. im not praying for him to die, either. im just praying for god to keep watch over uncle bobby day and night, and for the strength for us to understand that in the end what we want doesnt matter & that its all in god's hands now, & we gotta trust that what happens has already been sanctioned to happen.
so that's that.
oooh wait, no its not. so cousin felicia has invited me to an easter party on sunday. i sincerely dont wanna go. dude, who has easter parties? i guess it makes sense, ppl have christmas parties every yr. but an easter party? me and a buncha drunken 38-40somethings? karaoke? for easter?
..no thanks. -------------------------- speaking of things i dont wanna do...
neicy, my neice's mother, is heavy into this writing and being published business. i cant remember if ive mentioned that here before. but she's written a book. black romance. modern fiction. omar tyree/zane/bebe moore campbell stuff. i hate that genre with every inch of my literary heart. i think its great that she's writing though b/c i love the written word. i just really hate them when they come together to form books titled "Baby Mama Drama" and "Let the Church Say 'Amen'" and "Sistagirlfriendhoneychile's Blues," etc.
so she's written this book with such a title. she's got some friends at work who have been shopping around their manuscripts. neicy likes to write and likes to read, so she wrote one too. now she's looking in to getting an agent and all those other steps to getting published. but first things first: its gotta be edited.
guess who's been commissioned to give it a read through and make some corrections.
*points to self*
i read the first 50 pages last night. i wont say that its bad. instead i'll say that it fits perfectly in with those sort of books. honestly, her writing style isnt as advanced as i think it should be for honest respectable publication. the sad thing is, though, it would probably sell. and that's what she wants. so, im doin it for her. im not making any big abstract complicated suggestions or being 100% honest in how i truly feel. my mama says to let an agent be the one to do that. for not im just making technical corrections, like grammar, word usage, stuff like that, and being encouraging. cause i mean writing a book isnt easy, and this is an admirable avenue she's chosen to embark on, one that i have not, as of yet, had the confidence to do. plus black people barely be reading books these days, let alone writin em. so its fine. im thinkin ill zip through it, throw in some commas, give it back, and be done with it.
until the ride home yesterday afternoon.
before i start w/ this portion of the story, let me go on record as saying that somehow this is all gene's fault. i think he jinxed me. gene the jink. he had mad jokes and ridicules for me about all this yesterday, and then i get in the car and neicy's handin me some printed emails she got from author anita diggs (who also writes such books). so blah blah blah, it all comes down to the National Book Club Conference in atlanta in august and she's really excited and wants to go and im the only other person she knew who'd want to go and she wants me to go with her.
i suspect that at this pt, you're thinking "..so? you like reading and you like books. this should be fun for you." yes, my pretties, it should be fun for me. especially since one of my most favoritest authors of all time, the illustrious walter mosely (!!!!) will be there. but. Zane will be there too. the mere reading of her name makes me wanna throw up in my mouth. so will Terry McMillian, who i blame for this whole genre fiasco for some reason. also appearing are the following authors to discuss their best works--
Mary Monroe - "God Don't Like Ugly," "God Still Don't Like Ugly"
(these are the actual titles, folks. im not lyin to u)
Dr. Bertice Berry (remember her?) -- "Sckraight from the Ghetto," "You Might be Ghetto If," "You STILL Ghetto" <-- not novels, but i mean come on. **confession: i have one of those books. it was pretty funny.
Trisha R. Thomas - Nappily Ever After
and THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE, GUYS--
Jamise Dames -- "Mama's Baby Daddy's Maybe"
....
shoot me now. just go head and get it over with.
i mean, wtf does that even mean? 'mama's baby daddy's maybe?' huh?
so. i sincerely dont want to drive all the way to atlanta to go pay $230+ dollars to convene with these people. not at all. im hoping that the space will fill up before she actually wants to put a deposit down. i need to tell her that i just dont want to go. its gonna feel like im bein selfish and shittin on her dreams though. argh!
so thanks a lot, gene, for ruining my life. ---------------------------- school.
im going to try really, really hard to what i need to do re: where to go to school as opposed to what i WANT to do. where i want to be may not be the best place for me. im still waiting word from columbia. that'll be what really shapes my decision. but the road i need to take just may break my heart, and that's something im trying to ready myself for, just in case.
who knows what will happen though. im not carving anything out in stone.
but i need to be levelheaded and ready and im trying.
wish me luck. --------------------- god.
ive been doing a lot of second guessing for the wrong reasons lately. i wont go into detail here. or maybe i will later on if i have time; i could do another entry today. but sometimes it feels like im letting things get in the way of what i believe and losing focus and wanting to go places my faith and purity of heart cant follow. i need to put everything back into perspective. its a lot to deal with sometimes and i always end up feeling weak and stupid when i think and talk about it lately. loving god hasnt been enough for me lately. ive begun to feel like there HAS to be something else there--a church or some special ceremony or an easter egg or something-- to make it really count. which i guess isnt a bad thing to think or feel, but my reasons are strictly coming from outside influences and not from anything inside of me. and i dont mean that somebody's been verbally telling me that what i believe isnt good enough. nobdoy's been ministering to me or anything. im drawing things from lots of places and they've sort of just built up to form certain undesirable complexes. anyway, not to stray too far from whatever pt i was trying to make, honest love of god should be the binding tie, in my mind. that's the final destination and the different roads we take to get there shouldn't matter. but obviously, if people believed that we wouldn't have all the disagreeing and fighting to be the "chosen people" that we do now.
i dunno.
i am starting to forget myself and my priorities though.
but i havent forgotten god. on the contrary, god's been on my mind more than ever these past few months.
i need to flush all these thoughts out. i will later.
i feel like im carrying so much with me that i need to let go of, both here and elsewhere. i feel so slow and sluggish lately. short of crack and diseased sperm, ive been putting everything bad into my body lately, it seems. i feel like i need to just clean myself out. spring cleaning style. hopefully ill start on that this weekend with going to the fricken grocery store so i dont have to eat out night after night. and im gonna wash my hair this weekend too. it needs it, and in the event that the bohemians are right & hair really does hold in energy, in my case negative energy, i just may kill two birds with one stone. --------------------------- in conclusion,
*moons the bastards who gave Louisville a #4 seeding*
we may not get no farther than this, but we've at least shown you that u're fulla crap and had absolutely no idea what you were doing.
i dreamt this story up one morning. today i wrote it out & entered it into a short story contest, 500 word limit.
i think its fun if nothin else. ---------------------------
The dew covered the chilled gold of the wedding band, still clinging faithfully to its limp finger. By noon his young bride was there to identify his body. Three days later he was buried. Months after he began to make appearances in the mind's eye of his pretty widow as she slept during twilight hours. She shrugged them off easily. Dreams were merely common temporary madnesses. She lived on.
. . .
"Dave?" he asked. She smiled. "What kind of name is that for a goldfish?" "I think it's a fine name," she giggled. What kind of name is Kelly for a man?" "Kelly's a great name! A good name. A strong Irish name." "But you're not Irish," she laughed again. "I know...but it's still a good Irish name." They were quiet a moment. "Dave was my husband's name. He died some time ago." His embarrassment for laughing at the name hung thickly in the air between them and she sensed it. "It's okay." Silence again. "He was murdered. They never found out who did it, but I know who it was. I just wanted to keep him around forever, you know? So I got this fish before he died and named it after him. I feel like he's always here now, and only mine. I only wanted to take care of him.” She walked to the bowl and twirled the tip of her finger around in the water. Dave swam frantically to the bottom of the bowl and tried to burrow through the polished rocks and marbles. “Now I can, sort of.”
She turned to find Kelly reclining on the bed behind her, resting on his elbows with eyes that sagged with sadness. She smiled and laid next to him. “It’s okay. I’m not sad anymore. The hole is gone; you’ve filled it pretty well.” The collapsed into each other’s embrace and punctuated it with a long kiss.
. . .
“Kelly?” she called. She was about an hour late getting home from work. She found him in their bedroom looking casually out the window. “Who are you looking at?” “No one,” he said, “just looking.” He kissed her forehead. “Where you been, babe?” She made no sign that she had felt his kiss or heard his question and looked out of the window. “Were you watching that woman over there?” She stared at him angrily, and he looked at her with genuine puzzlement. “What woman? And what’s in the bowl?” “Oh,” she said with a brightened demeanor, “it’s another fish.” She walked to the dresser and there placed the clear glass bowl she carried in her hands. Kelly went back to the window and closed his eyes in the face of the warm breeze that swept through the room. “And what’s this one’s name?” He turned to find her smiling maniacally and brandishing a freshly sharpened butcher’s knife in one hand and a thick rope in the other.
bobby is the husband of my grandmother's only sister, tennie (her real name is janie), so this is my great-uncle by marriage and he'll probably die tonight.
my cousin dorothy, bobby and tennie's daughter, called for my granny today at about 4 pm today but she was at the store. she told me that uncle bobby was in the hospital again; they took him in on friday after he kept throwing up and couldnt keep anything on his stomach. i wasnt immediately alarmed cause he's 86 and his health has been steadily declining, so he's always in and out of the hospital. when they took him in friday they wanted to keep him for observation, then wanted to keep him overnight for monitoring, and today they moved him into intensive care. i still didnt worry til my granny got home and told me shortly after that dorothy wanted all available family members to come to the hospital. i didnt know whether it was just to pray over him or to say goodbye. everybody was called to say goodbye when my great uncle james died. i opted to hope for the former.
when my granny came home from the hospital, she told me that his lungs and chest were filling with fluid and he probably wouldnt make it through the night. that's how my great uncle claude died. he had lung cancer and his filled with fluid. the last time i saw him he kept coughing and coughing and coughing up stuff. she said that tennie was upset, of course, and that the last thing she told her before she left the hospital was that bobby was gonna be alright.
i am sad for the looming loss of life and the pain those closer to him than i will endure, but i have not cried and dont know taht i will, at least until the funeral, if i go. to me, my uncle bobby was one of those old family members you begrudgingly kissed after they demanded it at family reunions and on holidays. everytime i saw him, the dialogue ritual was the same:
him: girl you better come over here and gimmie some sugar! me: *kiss* him: hooooot dog! im the first man you ever kissed, don't you know that??
my granny said the last time she saw him before he went into the hospital was last sunday and he asked about me then: "where's that lil' ol' girl i kissed?!"
so uncle bobby and i have not been as close as i and some of my other great/uncles. honestly, i never liked how he treated my aunt tennie--my granny and mother would comment at length occassionally about how bobby was so mean and controlling. their daddy (my granny and tennie's) didnt want bobby near his daughter or in his family, but they married anyway. he's a very strict, devout Christian preacher and ive seen him act in very domineering and controlling ways toward aunt tennie.
when my granny came home from the hospital, i sat at the table and talked with her for ahwile because i figured she'd need a listening ear after the evening she had. i enjoyed it, believe it or not. for the first time in a very long while, i think, i saw some of my granny in myself.
ive mentioned this here before, but my aunt tennie and my granny are polar opposites personality-wise. my granny is a firecracker--cusses like a sailor and can be mean as a bear with a bee in its bonnet. my aunt tennie, tho, is sweet as sugarwater. she told me that in their youth, my aunt tennie would carry a hammer in her purse in case she ever needed it, but would always call my granny when there was someone to fight. "tennie'd call me when she wanted me to whoop somebody," she chuckled, "cause she knew i'd do it. and she was right 'cause no matter where i was, even if it'd been months since we'd talk, id pack up and--" she gave me a knowing glance and laughed. "'cause i'm a fighter, you know." i tried to picture her 20 years old and shapely with balled fists and a handfull of some unfortunate woman's hair or fingernails full of uncle bobby's skin. i smiled.
my granny told me that she didnt like uncle bobby either when they were young. "he didn't treat tennie right," she said, "and tennie loved that man to death. she worshipped the ground that boy walked on and he treated her so bad. eugene (my grandfather) didnt treat me right, that's the reason we didn't stay married. i cain't stay with no nigger don't treat me right." i smiled then at hoe i am my grandmother's granddaughter.
so anyway, the man who was so mean to the sweetest woman in the world is dying and we are sad because we love him even so. i called my moyher to tell her. she was saddened, but didn't cry. "aw, shit. i kinda like that old geezer. and he was crazy bout you." i promised i would keep her posted (she's out of town this weekend).
i said a prayer for uncle bobby tonight, and for aunt tennie too. brittany's baby's coming tomorrow; they're gonna induce if nothing happens tonight. as one life leaves this world, another makes its grand entrance.
what a roller coaster.
my thoughts are wih you, uncle bobby. we love you.
im sure u know or can imagine how hard it is to live w/ ur folks again after being out on ur own.
i miss having my own closet. sounds silly right? trivial. like most things that are stressing me, the closet has become a metaphor. lots of my frustrations with not having my own space manifests in things like this. clothes that my grandmother NEVER WEARS take up half of my closetspace. some things of my mother's are in there too but its mostly her stuff. mind you, now, i dont have a lot of space in there to begin with cause its a small closet. my drawers are overflowing with clothes that i cant put in my closet, so much so that its hard to close the drawers. all my other clothes are in the basement. i live on the top floor of my house. it sucks to not be able to roll out of bed and run to ur closet and find something to wear for the day. translation: IT SUCKS NOT TO HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONAL SPACE.
so she comes up in my room today. let my granny tell it she's the most innocent, angelic thing since heaven itself. so she's up here piddlin around and says sweetly "i dont know what ur mother's been doin in your closet." that rubbed me the wrong way a bit b/c she's always blaming stuff on other folks. but i didnt think anything of it. rather mindlessly (but honestly) i say: 'i dunno but i wish all yall wld get yalls stuff outta there.' that reads as disrespectful, but it wasnt, i promise. but she gets way offended and starts fussin at me because she doesnt have anywhere to keep her clothes.
here, i must note:
1) she has clothes all over this house. in EVERY SINGLE CLOSET. mine, hers, my mothers, and on the rack in the basement. but she doesnt have anywhere to keep her things? word.
2) she wears the same thing everyday (which causes problems in itself that shan't be discussed here). meaning--she doesnt wear 90% of the clothes she has. meaning that all the clothes she has in my closet, my mama's closet, her closet and the basement go complerely unworn.
this is more of me just venting on the matter now. here come the hurt feelings.
so im getting more and more frustrated that she's accusing me of being insensitive and greedy and selfish. i say, calmly, 'well i just dont think its too much of me to want a place to put my clothes so that i can get to them easily. i guess ill have to move out to have that.'
she laughed and said 'ha! well anytime you get ready you can go on.'
yall when i hinted that i was going to apply to schools out of state, this woman broke down crying. but now i can just leave whenever and not only will she not care, but she'll be glad of it. that's how she sounded. so i, opting to leave before things got extra, gathered some dishes i had laying around to take to the kitchen and sit until she was done in my room (and MY closet). on my way out, though, i said
'well i may be moving to philadelphia so i may be outta here sooner than we think.'
i was half down the steps and she's yelling concerned questions at me, sweetly now.
'you movin to philadelphia? what for?' i yelled back 'school' and kept going but i felt bad for bringing it up at all.
downstairs my aunt reda was at the table in the dining room or in the living room standing in front of the TV watching Gonzaga play, i cant remember which. i put my dishes in the sink and sat at the table. if she wasnt there already, she joined me.
she asked a few questions about the trip, and we talked about travelling, and i told her id been accepted to temple. she was really happy for me and we began to talk about moving away from home. poor reda; she's been through a lot and i dont think ive been as sympathetic to her as i should have. im turning into my mother. i adopt a lot of her frustrations with her family members as my own, and that's not fair (i noticed as i was talking to my grandmother today that i sounded a lot like my mother--i need to watch that). but anyway, she said something that i thought was so poetic and meaningful. she said she'd like to move away as soon as she gets back on her feet b/c she needs a change & i asked her where she wanted to go.
'i dont know,' she said, 'maybe coastal south carolina.. id like to live near the gullah islands or the spice islands for some reason.. maybe in texas near the gulf, or louisiana.. i dont know, i just want to be near some water for some reason. im tired of pavement.'
i thought that was deep. but anyway
she also told me to leave and move while im young. that way i can come back and leave again if i need to. before that id b een having second thoughts about moving to philly for fear that ill hate it (nice place to visit, but living, i dunno. its difficult to think logically abt that right now). but when she said that, i started thinking abt what id do if columbia doesnt accept me. based on what she said, i feel like i shld give philly a try anyway.
i digress again.
as we're having this discussion my granny finally comes downstairs. i try to look at the rims of her eyes to see if she'd been crying. i cldnt tell. they were puffy, but they always are these days. so she sits down and sadly brings up me and philadelphia but has a sort of stuck up 'hpmh!' look in her eyes. she rolled them a lot in the beginning.
'you're movin to philadelphia?' i dont know, it depends on where i go to school. 'where you goin to school at?' i dont know, it depends on where i get accepted. a school in philadelphia has already accepted me. 'aint that a bad place to live?'
the back and forth was entertwined on occassion with reda and i talking about various places and related things. eventually my granny let some slight sadness show on her face and said to reda,
'well, i guess u'll have to move in with me when--' and she nodded towards me and gave a sad chuckle.
from there the conversation moved to the possibility of my mother moving out and what would happen then. my granny doesnt wanna give up this house, but she'll have to rather than live on her own. but i didnt bring it up. she said things that sounded like they were meant to scare my from moving away.
im sure she'll bring this up again, and she'll mention it with a heavy sadness in all of the phone conversations she'll have with family members and friends in the coming days. she'll probably say it with a hint of 'ive been betrayed' in her voice.
but u know what?
all this and i bet she still wont get her clothes outta my closet.
