im sure u know or can imagine how hard it is to live w/ ur folks again after being out on ur own.
i miss having my own closet. sounds silly right? trivial. like most things that are stressing me, the closet has become a metaphor. lots of my frustrations with not having my own space manifests in things like this. clothes that my grandmother NEVER WEARS take up half of my closetspace. some things of my mother's are in there too but its mostly her stuff. mind you, now, i dont have a lot of space in there to begin with cause its a small closet. my drawers are overflowing with clothes that i cant put in my closet, so much so that its hard to close the drawers. all my other clothes are in the basement. i live on the top floor of my house. it sucks to not be able to roll out of bed and run to ur closet and find something to wear for the day. translation: IT SUCKS NOT TO HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONAL SPACE.
so she comes up in my room today. let my granny tell it she's the most innocent, angelic thing since heaven itself. so she's up here piddlin around and says sweetly "i dont know what ur mother's been doin in your closet." that rubbed me the wrong way a bit b/c she's always blaming stuff on other folks. but i didnt think anything of it. rather mindlessly (but honestly) i say: 'i dunno but i wish all yall wld get yalls stuff outta there.' that reads as disrespectful, but it wasnt, i promise. but she gets way offended and starts fussin at me because she doesnt have anywhere to keep her clothes.
here, i must note:
1) she has clothes all over this house. in EVERY SINGLE CLOSET. mine, hers, my mothers, and on the rack in the basement. but she doesnt have anywhere to keep her things? word.
2) she wears the same thing everyday (which causes problems in itself that shan't be discussed here). meaning--she doesnt wear 90% of the clothes she has. meaning that all the clothes she has in my closet, my mama's closet, her closet and the basement go complerely unworn.
this is more of me just venting on the matter now. here come the hurt feelings.
so im getting more and more frustrated that she's accusing me of being insensitive and greedy and selfish. i say, calmly, 'well i just dont think its too much of me to want a place to put my clothes so that i can get to them easily. i guess ill have to move out to have that.'
she laughed and said 'ha! well anytime you get ready you can go on.'
yall when i hinted that i was going to apply to schools out of state, this woman broke down crying. but now i can just leave whenever and not only will she not care, but she'll be glad of it. that's how she sounded. so i, opting to leave before things got extra, gathered some dishes i had laying around to take to the kitchen and sit until she was done in my room (and MY closet). on my way out, though, i said
'well i may be moving to philadelphia so i may be outta here sooner than we think.'
i was half down the steps and she's yelling concerned questions at me, sweetly now.
'you movin to philadelphia? what for?' i yelled back 'school' and kept going but i felt bad for bringing it up at all.
downstairs my aunt reda was at the table in the dining room or in the living room standing in front of the TV watching Gonzaga play, i cant remember which. i put my dishes in the sink and sat at the table. if she wasnt there already, she joined me.
she asked a few questions about the trip, and we talked about travelling, and i told her id been accepted to temple. she was really happy for me and we began to talk about moving away from home. poor reda; she's been through a lot and i dont think ive been as sympathetic to her as i should have. im turning into my mother. i adopt a lot of her frustrations with her family members as my own, and that's not fair (i noticed as i was talking to my grandmother today that i sounded a lot like my mother--i need to watch that). but anyway, she said something that i thought was so poetic and meaningful. she said she'd like to move away as soon as she gets back on her feet b/c she needs a change & i asked her where she wanted to go.
'i dont know,' she said, 'maybe coastal south carolina.. id like to live near the gullah islands or the spice islands for some reason.. maybe in texas near the gulf, or louisiana.. i dont know, i just want to be near some water for some reason. im tired of pavement.'
i thought that was deep. but anyway
she also told me to leave and move while im young. that way i can come back and leave again if i need to. before that id b een having second thoughts about moving to philly for fear that ill hate it (nice place to visit, but living, i dunno. its difficult to think logically abt that right now). but when she said that, i started thinking abt what id do if columbia doesnt accept me. based on what she said, i feel like i shld give philly a try anyway.
i digress again.
as we're having this discussion my granny finally comes downstairs. i try to look at the rims of her eyes to see if she'd been crying. i cldnt tell. they were puffy, but they always are these days. so she sits down and sadly brings up me and philadelphia but has a sort of stuck up 'hpmh!' look in her eyes. she rolled them a lot in the beginning.
'you're movin to philadelphia?' i dont know, it depends on where i go to school. 'where you goin to school at?' i dont know, it depends on where i get accepted. a school in philadelphia has already accepted me. 'aint that a bad place to live?'
the back and forth was entertwined on occassion with reda and i talking about various places and related things. eventually my granny let some slight sadness show on her face and said to reda,
'well, i guess u'll have to move in with me when--' and she nodded towards me and gave a sad chuckle.
from there the conversation moved to the possibility of my mother moving out and what would happen then. my granny doesnt wanna give up this house, but she'll have to rather than live on her own. but i didnt bring it up. she said things that sounded like they were meant to scare my from moving away.
im sure she'll bring this up again, and she'll mention it with a heavy sadness in all of the phone conversations she'll have with family members and friends in the coming days. she'll probably say it with a hint of 'ive been betrayed' in her voice.
but u know what?
all this and i bet she still wont get her clothes outta my closet.
