my big ol luscious rotund christmas ham. if u dont wanna hear about said ass in question, leave now or shut up. NATE, THIS MEANS I DONT WANT NO ANTI-TRACY'S ASS COMMENTS IN MY COMMENT BOX.
so anyway this entry will be about the woes of having 39 and a half inch hips. it will be about the strife, the struggle, the strength it takes to merely walk home from work some days.
am i exaggerating? u bet ur bippy i am. shut up and lemme build.
today it was 70+ degrees. forecasted at 75, but i dont think it got that warm. sun was out, didnt need a jacket. tons of people everywhere, especially with the big pep rally for the university of louisville bassitball players goin on down the street (go cards!). 16,000 people tryna cram on one street. it was wild.
anyway
b/t that and it just being a beautiful day, mad ppl were out and about. especially blk folk. especially as u got deeper into the west end of town, which is where i live. since it was nice out i decided to walk home. it's like a 3 mile walk, maybe a little over. today i had on an orange sweater, low rise courderoy pants, brown belt, brown timbs. i admit the cords fit a little snug in the rear, but that's cause they hip huggers and made for white girls. but they stretch and they're comfortable.
so im headin down broadway at a really nice pace.
dudes in louisville are some of the most aggressive ive encountered. i mean niggas will stop in the middle of traffic to holla at u and expect you to come running out to meet him and see what he wants. if you dont respond to them as they drive by, or if they figure they cant make it over to you in time, niggas will circle the block and cut you off at the next approaching intersection and will NOT let u thru til u talk to them. its like that.
so with that in mind, i counted 46 car honks, 'ay, shawty's (et. al.), and approaches before i got to 33rd street and lost count. no lie. and the thing about it is, half of them came from behind me, meaning that they were speaking/honking strictly because of the backview. if i turned around lookin like shabba ranks or sumn they'da been mad as hell. as such, i determined today that i simply must have the phattest ass in the west end.
anyway some memorable moments:
--im approaching 18th street, and i walk past a schoolyard with some little boys and a girl swinging on the swingset and talking. i smile at them and i swear i hear a little one yell 'ay shawty! c'mere!'
my smile leaves and im like wtf? he's like 2 yrs old!
o how quickly the babies learn.
--the first person who actually stopped me to talk to me was this old man with a gap so big at the front of his mouth that at first glance i thought there was one missing. he smiled real big, though, and the happiness filled the void.
'hey, sista, how u doin this evening?'
im fine, thank you. i smiled real big at him too, cause im nice like that and he was nice enough to speak to me in passing.
'alright now, you have a blessed day, hear?'
aw. i love it when ppl tell me to have a blessed day. i will. thank you, very much. nother big smile.
'ay, sista, what's your name?'
i stop to tell him, again, cause im nice like that. i had a feeling he was gonna ask me if i was married or somethin. typically ill be nice enough to stop and talk to someone ill have to turn down rather than just roll my eyes and keep goin unless im severely not in the mood. so i tell him my name.
'tracy. tracy, how old are you?' i tell him. 'you stay around here? where you live?'
okay, too close for comfort. i vaguely point in a direction opposite of where im going. 'okay okay, cause i was just wondering, do you have a church home?' oh. he was gon try and hook me up with a church in my area. he's a bit redeemed. instinctively i say, yes i do, im a member of 5th street baptist and smile proudly.
'oh okay, im just makin sure, cause im muslim see, i belong to the mosque up there and i just want everybody to know god some kinda way. so.. you married?' i flash him the wedding band i always wear. if u've seen the james brown interview, do u remember the noise james brown makes at the end? A-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's what he did. then he bid me farewell: 'alright then sista, you take care and be blessed!' i thank him and figure that wasnt so bad. he's not as sleezy as he looks.
but then i hear him mumble
'mmph, goddamn girl so sexy look at that mumblemumblemumble'
and im thinkin wtf? can u do that? can u use god in your pimpin like that? how u a good muslim one minute and lustin the next.
ugh.
--i think its funny how dudes expect you to put yourself in harm's way just to talk to them. at least 5 dudes stopped straight in the middle of traffic, completely held everybody up, opened their doors/rolled down their windows and yelled 'ay, girl! c'murr real quick! ay!' what i found really funny though was the group of 7 drunken dudes loitering outside of a liquor store beckoning me near. yeah, okay.. here i come, little vulnerable 5 ft 3 me headfirst into a crowd of rowdy aggressive men. yi-ti-dee!
nigga please.
--this is the kicker tho. im gettin closer and closer to home, walkin near the family dollar at like 32nd street or something. coming toward me at a distance and at a slow pace is a middle aged man on a bike. up next to me comes a gold ford something or other with two dudes in it who are about the same skin tone. the driver was foul looking. he just looked like he smelled bad and he kept making weird faces at me. and when he pulled up he looked at me and said
so as he was trying to talk to me, i heard a car honking and someone yelling in the background at some one. so after i flash dude my ring, he makes another ugly ass face and pulls off and yall
that car hadnt gotten off the curb yet before ANOTHER car pulls right in the same spot. its a dusty red little car with a high yella middle aged man with a huge grin and a big ass gold tooth yellin 'GIIIIIIIIIIIRL I HAD TO TURN ALL THE WAY AROUND JUST TO COME AND OFFER YOU A RIDE!!' i think back and i remember: i saw him pull over and stick his head out the window waaaay back at blockbuster on like 23rd street.
what got me though was the man on the bike who literally almost fell off his bike laughing at the exchange. i had to laugh myself.
--so i finally get around the corner. im walkin down 34th street about to cross in the middle cause a buncha dealers hang at the end of that street and i dont like walkin past them. 34th is a really busy street and it was today especially with everybody out and about. so i stand there and wait and wait and stand there. the whole time i feel somebody in the house behind me standin in the door lookin at me, but it was cool cause they didnt say anything.
until i got across the street.
'ay, slim, come here for a minute.'
nigga did u see how hard it was for me to cross this street???
so in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, the life of a 34-29-39.5 woman is NOT all its cracked up to be.
