i was sittin here minding my cyber business when i looked and saw her old screenname log on. i couldnt click fast enough. first it said she wasn't available. i took a chance and sent an email to her screenname @ aol.com, just in case
Hi; I'm trying to get in contact with a young lady named Dallas. Some time ago, she gave me the aol instant messenger screen name 'ahdieah,' though I don't know that it was solely her account. I just saw the name log on to AIM and tried to send an instant message, but it didnt go through, so I figured I'd take a shot in the dark and send an email to this address.
My name is Tracy; Dallas and I went to high school together and I haven't heard from her since around October. Dallas, if you're reading this, or if the person reading this knows how to get in contact with her, please let me know!!! Email me at tracylc@gmail.com. Or, Dallas, if you're reading this, call me!! All the numbers are still the same :o)
Thanks, Tracy
the email came back. i frowned, but then i noticed the screenname log on again. i IM'd. it went through and we started talking.
TracimusLynnicus: dallas? AHDIEAH: yes TracimusLynnicus: !!!! TracimusLynnicus: giiiiiiiiiirl where have you been?! AHDIEAH: hello TracimusLynnicus: hi! AHDIEAH: just got to california a week ago TracimusLynnicus: whatchu doin back in california? AHDIEAH: me and tony moved here AHDIEAH: he got a good job here TracimusLynnicus: oh TracimusLynnicus: well that's good TracimusLynnicus: i cant believe you just disappeared! i been worried sick AHDIEAH: I was looking for you for a while but most of the time i knew you was at work TracimusLynnicus: you should have left a message for me somewhere! TracimusLynnicus: all my numbers are still the same TracimusLynnicus: what made you move back to california? i thought you hated it there AHDIEAH: what is the cell phone number because my cell died and that is where your number is TracimusLynnicus: (502) 314-9702 TracimusLynnicus: what's your number? ill call you one day soon TracimusLynnicus: i got free long distance AHDIEAH: I do. but like I said Tony got a good job here we couldn't afford to pass up TracimusLynnicus: i see TracimusLynnicus: i have like zero friends now TracimusLynnicus: they all married and holed up in their houses TracimusLynnicus: brittany just had a baby AHDIEAH: yeah we got free long distance too. I was the same way. TracimusLynnicus: she hadnt been comin around much anyway but now i never see her AHDIEAH: what a baby TracimusLynnicus: yup AHDIEAH: Girl I have no friends either. I used to work to much to go out. TracimusLynnicus: you should have found me!! AHDIEAH: plus i got tried of louisville TracimusLynnicus: well ill be moving soon myself AHDIEAH: where? TracimusLynnicus: either chicago or philadelphia. other than family there's not too much keeping me here AHDIEAH: there was nothing keeping me there. we are going to move back that way later and buy a house but I don't really want to go back to louisville TracimusLynnicus: i feel you AHDIEAH: thinking maryland TracimusLynnicus: i gotta say my feelings are hurt that you just bounced like that TracimusLynnicus: ive been worried AHDIEAH: I'm so sorry AHDIEAH: let me give you the numbers TracimusLynnicus: k AHDIEAH: 502-***-**** Tony's cell 714-***-**** Mom's house 562-***-**** Dad's house AHDIEAH: Soon we hope to have our own place AHDIEAH: Hopefully by this summer. AHDIEAH: I will send you a ticket TracimusLynnicus: good luck with that TracimusLynnicus: ha.. dont worry about it. im sure you'll have enough on your plate. TracimusLynnicus: which is the number to where you'll be staying at? is the cell the best way to get you? AHDIEAH: Well I have to go i will call you tonight. I will be at my dad's most of the time. Or call the cell AHDIEAH: But I will call you tonight TracimusLynnicus: kay TracimusLynnicus: talk to u later AHDIEAH: bye AHDIEAH: Ricky said you country TracimusLynnicus: ha.. tell him i said thank you AHDIEAH: My mom said hi TracimusLynnicus: tell her i said hey!:-) AHDIEAH: kay bye
abandoned again for some nigga who prolly dont give a shit about her. actually i was prepared for her to still be with him, the previously home incarcerated drug dealer who cares so much for her. i didnt expect her to be in california though. i mean, how do you move across the nation and not tell your best friend? how do you leave her sitting at home fretting month after month, worrying and wondering as to whether they got all the cancer out of her womb in that surgery you told her you had on the last day you saw her, which happened to be the first time you saw her in months even then?
i felt very betrayed and blue for awhile but it didnt stay long. those emotions soon blew on and cleared the sky for anger.
TracimusLynnicus: i feel like cryin yo TracimusLynnicus: lol Dave: you cussin her out for not stayin in contact? Dave: i should certainly hope so TracimusLynnicus: im walking the line between being very pissed and self-pitying and happy to see her TracimusLynnicus: talk to her rather Dave: id be cussin her out Dave: real nice like TracimusLynnicus: lol Dave: she explain why she hasnt called or availed her self to contact? TracimusLynnicus: hell fucking no TracimusLynnicus: her cell phone died and she lost my cell number. TracimusLynnicus: okay, but my home number has been the same for 23 years. TracimusLynnicus: im in the phone book TracimusLynnicus: she's always doin shit like that TracimusLynnicus: why my friends treat me this way, yo?? TracimusLynnicus: im happy to see her but i dont even feel like talking to her rightn ow Dave: werd
i wont answer the telephone when she calls.
i love all of my friends, i swear i do. but im starting to feel a little doormattish. i mean i can understand the thrill of having a boyfriend and moving in and bein in love and all that shit. but this in unacceptable. pushing someone out of your life completely, someone who's supposed to be your best friend, your sister, that shit is unacceptable--this goes for brittany and dallas--and im taking it personally. i still love her, i still love both of them. but its lookin like that love is just gonna have to travel the distances between us. im tired of putting myself out there. id rather move and find new friends than go through the pain and tears of trying to repair what's been broken in these corners.
ive always been like that. i recognize that its not the best trait to have, but that's me.
and wtf is she doing back in california?? the last time she was in california her mother flipped out on her several times and her daddy beat her like she was a damn man. she hates it there. but she's there because he got a good job. she's there because he wants to be there, its better for him. him him him himhimhimhimhimhim. since ive met her its boggled me that someone so strong could be so weak.
but i am not surprised. she's always been like this when it comes to men. i dont blame her for it. but then again i guess i sorta do.
i am thankful that she's still breathing, though. there were several times when i wasnt sure that that was the case.
after our trip to chicago, i used to think how fun it would be if brittany moved up there with me. after brittany was pretty much busy constructing her pretty little walls and i found dallas again, i told her repeatedly that she should move with me, to chicago or wherever i ended up. i wanted her to get away from the demons and things bothering her here.
and here i am now preparing myself to enter into a new sphere with no familiar faces from home, without the sisters i'd always prayed to have in my life since i was a little girl.
*shrugs* 2 tears in a bucket.
--- ps.
i finally got word from columbia. they got me on a waiting list. anything could open up for me b/t now and august.
temple needs to know by the 15th.
imagine how confused and frustrated and scared i am about all this.
