good news is i got a comment box up & workin again. bad news is i lost all my past comments.
i guess the qualizing news is that yall never leave me no comments anyway. no harm, no foul.
let's see. it's sunday. tomorrow is memorial day. i don't have to go to work; it is the first holiday i've had off from work since new year's day and it will be the last one i have as long as im workin at B&Y. a long time ago, i'd agree to go with candis to transy's graduation, not knowing that it was on memorial day. an equally long time ago, i'd agreed to go to my brother's friend joe's wedding, also not knowing it was on memorial day. joe invited himself to and drove aaaaaaall the way down to my graduation from detroit last may. and gave me a hunnert bucks as a gift. i felt sort of obligated to go, so i told candis i cldn't go to graduation with her.
truth be told, i would have rather not gone to either. ive forgotten what it feels like to spend a weekday just layin in the bed, not showering, being blatantly lazy and restful. i miss it. but, i felt like i had to go to joe's wedding. and plus all efforts to talk my mama out of going failed. travis was supposed to be a groomsman, but he had 2 ppl quit on him at work and the only person who could have covered for him, her husband died the day before. so he was stuck.
i come to find out, though, that the wedding is not on memorial day, as i thought i'd heard it said. what i'd actually heard was that it was during memorial day weekend--it was yesterday. and it was catholic.
it was boring.
but it was quick. and punctual. started on time, ended less than an hr later. it was my first brush with catholicism; i'd thought i'd had one before, but i think it was just a dream i'd had after watchin a movie once when i was younger.
it was called precious blood parrish in owensboro, kentucky. yo man, we had to drive through hickville, indiana to get there. seriously. like, more country than anything ive EVER seen in kentucky. we passed this little store called the 'hillbilly mall flea market.' i locked my doors so hard when i seen that joint.
anyway.
the church was very pretty. it wasnt the huge, grand, ornate temple of wealth and prestige. nearly everything was wooden (the pews aint have no padding yo.. sup w/ that? my ass was uber sore), a very pretty, light colored wood. cedar perhaps? i dont know trees and wood like i do flowers. there was no discernible front of the sanctuary; the pulpit (if that's what its called in catholic churches, too) was in the center of the room with rows of pews on either side. i thought that was neat. confusing, but neat; when we walked in, we walked in on the side where no one was sitting (the ushers was seating everyone on the other side).. i looked at all the empty seats like 'is this the choir stand? their choir must be HUGE!'
but, tweren't no choir. i think i expected one, but wasnt surprised when there wasnt one.
you know i was once told of a woman who left a denomination because they didnt do the sort of joyful and exciting singing and expressing that blk baptist folk do, even though she agreed with all the endoctrination and stuff. i said that i could sort of see it, but honestly, that is a pretty superficial thing on the surface. i couldnt find the words to express why i could understand that, but i think i can now after the wedding.
it seems that black baptist churches sing much of the same songs, with variation. of course there's the standard negro spirituals, such as:
-swing low, sweet chariot -(there is a) balm in gilead -steal away -o freedom
and so forth. and then there's the black gospel staples, such as:
-victory is mine -i know ive been changed -i know it was the blood
and so forth. and then of course, there's the songs from that red hymnal that all baptists, black and white, seem to use (i'd love to have one of those for myself)
-holy holy holy -he lives -he will remember me (my granny LOVES this song)
(if somebody out there knows that im talkin bout, say amen)
there are also songs that seem to be common among christians period, beatiful songs written way back when by white folks that have lasted through times. the names of those escape me. but what would separate one of those songs sung in a christian church from the way its sung in a catholic church is the mood, the tone, the energy level.
catholic music is boring, yo. i mean, they were pretty, but they were so serious, so somber. so restrained. i cant get with that, man--church is supposed to be joyful, to me.. spirited, thankful. energetic. when its so serious, it seems like the focus isnt on the joy and love and freedom that came because of the suffering and sacrifice the bible says that jesus made, but rather on the suffering and sacrifice itself.
in the middle of the church was a huge stained glass crucifix accented in gold that would have been beautiful, were it not for the huge rendering of christ bleeding and suffering in the middle of it.
man. talk about morbid. how can u focus on the joy that came after with the ominous reminder of pain and human wickedness looming above ur head, bleeding invisibly on the world below?
i couldnt get with that. i think that's what spirited praise and worship helps us do, focus more on the goodness. without that freedom to shout when u want, or cry when u want, or clap along with the song when you want, it seems like it would make the whole thing--religion, god, all that--heavy and serious. i dont think it has to be or should be. so in that respect, i sort of see what the lady who left that respective denomination felt when she did so.
and they did this call and response thing that like only catholics know about--that felt sort of exclusionary. not that im pointing fingers or judging or whatever. there are certain practices that go on in each church that u know about and learn about by going to that church. but there was lots of that at precious blood. the priest would say a phrase and wait for the congregation to give the proper response, which they did in the most depressing, sad tones ive ever heard. so lifeless. and so scripted--that felt unnatural to me.
it was defintely interesting, though.
so anyway, congrats joseph. hope married life is good to ya.
ive forgotten everything else i wanna talk about. i didnt mean to spend so much time on the weddin and my day as a catholic, but i toldja i feel chit chatty.
my mama finally admitted that the reason she's been so hands-off about me and my collegiate decision because she doesnt want her baby moving away. it was sad, but it felt a little liberating to hear, too. hopefully now we can start working past that.
ive finally decided what im gonna do, too. i was tired of being cautious and running out of time and not knowing where im gonna be living in two months, so i put my foot down and finally decided on temple.
so im movin to philly in august.
and im scared shitless but excited as hell
the hardest part will be sayin bye to my mama. ive been prayin for the strength to get through that. for years, actually--ive always known this day would come.
it feels good having finally made a decision. i have a lot of preparing to do, probably more mentally than physically. ive found an apartment; i'll soon be sending in my application and hopefully they'll let me in. i got the money for it, so i dont see why they wouldnt. i can only stay there for like one semester though--its waaaay expensive. but it includes all utilities, free cable, free internet (T1, niggas!), on site laundry and fitness facilities (clean draws AND my old figure back--holla!) AND a free shuttle to and from school. i figure all that will help me get acclamated to the city, and by the time my 5 months is over, hopefully ill be comfortable enough with the city and getting around and stuff that i'll be able to find a more cost efficient place.
im gonna get myself a new laptop soon, too.
so. im officially leaving home. terrifying. i can't wait.
ummm... what else. i played the lottery for the first time yesterday. 230 mil up for grabs. somebody in idaho won it.
sumbitch.
remember my brother's first baby mama who wrote the black romance novel and is trying to get it published? she found an editor. they liked it. now they're shopping it around, trying to find a buyer.
as such, i have recently decided to become a smut writer. no joke. im gonna do it under a pen name so that no one ever knows. i think i can do it and get paid like Zane, too, for two reasons.
#1 - the baby mama did it.
#2 - .....i was okayerotica at okayplayer. *hangs head* lmao!
i was yo. cept i outed it cause i cant multitask (the reason that i dont have an alias) and some ppl saw, so without the anonymity factor, there's no pt in having it. im gonna confess it soon cause somebody's tryna blackmail me w/ the info. whatever, it aint that seirous.
but yeah man. im seriously writing a book proposal. i need some money.
i really need to get up from here and clean my room. ive put my self on punishment til i clean it, so if i wanna go out to play this weekend, i gotta get on it.
i aint gettin no taller. feel like im gainin weight tho. ive made another promise to myself to get healthier. we'll see how that goes. again.
ive got lots that i wanna fill ppl in on but at the moment im thinkin abt my penchant for drama. i thought abt it on the way home, all the way on the bus.
i like it, man. what can i say. part of me likes the drama. and i dont think im unique or some shady ass person b/c of it. why are u reading this now? would u keep reading it if i only came here everyday full of sunshine and bunny rabbits?
nope. yo meddlin asses like drama too. so u already know what it feels like.
but yeah. i like to playfight. i enjoy a good ribbing, a little warring of word and wit. thankfully, or perhaps lamentfully, my dude is the same way. the problem is that i cant let things go. rather, the problem is that i cant hold on to things quietly. if there's a difference b/t men and women as far as holding on to things, if there is any. ive always thought that men let things go quicker than women do. that's not true. men just squirrel them away and burrow them as acorns in the back of their minds. when they bubble up, they swallow them and keep storing them. for what, i dont know. but when women can't swallow something, we keep our mouths full of it. we wear it like a stud in our tongues. we have to let ppl know its their.
at least i do. i apologize for the generalizing.
but i hold on to shit and i dont think its a wild idea that some men do too. ive witnessed it. thing is, when something's bothering me, i want u to know about it. i feel nervous and ancy and anxious if u dont. so i mean i just gotta get it out, yknow? but beyond that..
it just makes for good conversation.
maybe i save little trinkets of big deals and just keep them in the barrel til i need them. ammunition for the moment that the current conversation dies or becomes unspectacular, unengaging, unenthralling. then i bring it out. both he and i hate to lose and have more opinions than we can fit in our mouths, so of course if its hot enough, we can go on about it forever, or until it rubs one of us raw, whatever comes first. but i like the back and forth sometimes. keeps the brain cells moving. so i bring myself to fixate on something and obsess over it to keep it at the surface and close at hand for easy access for the next moment i'll need/want it.
because of this there's a poor young lady runnin around the east coast that i'll probably never like 100%. well this and some other reasons that we shan't discuss. she hand a hand in some drama some yrs back. years, okay. yall hear me?
years. i mean this quite literally. like 2 yrs maybe, i dunno, im bad w/ marking the passage of time. the pt, tho, is that ive had fine time to let it go.
and sweet rational tracy has done just that. knowing that this girl has been through some pretty horrible things in her life and that this girl, from what sweet rational tracy observes in her dude, cant be held responsible or blamed for said drama (..only to an extent, though, in my opinion), she has buried her side of the hatched, which is good news!
the bad news is that vengeful ass tracy's side of the hatchet is the sharp iron side & she keeps it in her lap, grinding its edge til i can split hairs, rolling her eyes and muttering to herself 'i dont care if she's been through a lot, she's gon be goin thru a lot more if she don straighten her shit up and get some Act-Right in her life.'
maybe it's my Black Girl training. maybe its the way patriarchy teaches females to be in constant competition with each other. or maybe its just nature--as the caregivers, we need a mate with good, strong resources, and when we find one, we have to keep him in order to secure the well being of our progeny and thus keep our genes alive when we die.
i think its all three.
whatever it is, my dude is apparently accepting of it, moreso than i am. i dont particularly like that in myself at times. i mean it's not rampant, nowhere near as bad as it is in most women. plus i see the same sort of characteristics in him, and i know that if i was ever to meet this girl i'd be cordial, genuinely so, cause im not a mean person when i dont need to be. but still. that shit can be offputting. i dont wanna be offputting.
that being said, it doesnt look like nunna that's gonna change. so there's ur drama, u bastards.
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i come closer and closer to committing to temple each day. yall, to be perfectly honest and truthful?
i dont think i wanna go to grad school anymore. it's been my crutch, the primary reason for leaving that makes little tracy moving to a big city easier to swallow for the people who care about me. it makes it easier for me, too. if i was going to school while adapting to another city all alone, i'd have some structure to rely on. it wouldnt be as dangerous and involved. i dont think i'd be so prone to fail. so i've needed it, but the fact of the matter is, i dont want it.
i mean
i wanna write. i wanna write everything except poetry at the moment (and im enrolled in poetry programs. smart, huh?). it makes way more sense to take a screenwriting class and a short fiction class at a community college somewhere then spend my freetime writing my ass off and join some creative writing workshops at local libraries or something.
grad school seems like more stress than help, especially a freakin poetry program. that's not what i wanna do. but i do wanna move tho. and i do wanna keep everyone around me proud of me. and they've already found a replacement for me at work so its like, what else can i do?
it's not a priority in decidin where i move to anymore. if i was to go with my gut, id go to philly.
but. i dunno yet.
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talked to dallas the other day on IM. she talkin bout she hopes to be married come july.
yeah right. ill believe that shit when i see it.
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speaking of friends, my friends are acting weird. or maybe im lookin at em weirdly.
either way, they're freakin me out a lil bit. long, potentially boring story.
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and speaking again about me writin screenplays, i got a BANGIN idea for a movie, yall. i cant tell u the plot line because i dont have one yet, but i do have an angle that i cant tell u cause i dont want nunna yall mmmmmofos stealin my idea. i can hit u off with the title tho. ready?:
"Sheniqua Jenkins Don't Like Cornbread"
huh? huh??? ima let ur minds work a lil bit as u ponder what that cld possibly be about. i'd love to hear what yall come up with.
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im sorry, nate :o( ive been busy and stressed. it slipped my mind. forgive me?
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broke down and got a myspace page. im underwhelmed. i only go there to play games when im bored at work. http://www.myspace.com/pookiejawnsun if anyone cares.
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i posted abt moving to hawaii on okp awhile ago, and i really wanna mention it here but i dont wanna scratch it all out again. so if u missed it, u missed it.
just know that im takin up collections, though. donate!!
me: DONT MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE WITH EYEPATCHES me: my mama hadda wear one for awhile me: im telling her you said she looked like blackbeard the pirate pal: ha ha pal: did you walk around the house going... pal: arrrrgh pal: where's me buried treasure mamma? pal: arrrge? me: ...no. me: no i didnt. pal: ... pal: 44 demerits me: :-) me: WAIT me: 44?? me: that's a bit much aint it? pal: now we're even w/ all the demerits you've given me. pal: i've been counting pal: 44 pal: 44-44 me: you cant prove that pal: can too pal: remember pal: i got the aim history thing pal: i went back and counted. me: i' me: *ahem* pardon me. me: i'll need documented proof pal: where can i fax it? me: to C.D. pal: ? me: SEE DEEZ NUTS IN YA MOUF BEEYAAAAAAAATCH!! me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaahaahaahaaaahaahahaahaa pal: !!!!! me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaaahahahaaaha pal: i feel so stupid. me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahahahahhahahaahahaa me: aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhahaha me: AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA me: HA HA HA HA HA me: WOOOOOOOOO pal: . me: woooooooooooo me: woooooooooooo pal: u done? me: no me: DAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHHAHAAAHA!!!!!!!!
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if only you knew how long and hard i seriously laughed at that.
tell that monkey to quit whisperin in my lesbian convention cause i hate atlanta.
arright arright. birfday recap 2005. #23. im old niggas.
kay.
so friday im at work. round about the middle of the day, a lady holdin flowers and a balloon walks in the office. i look up like 'oh my mercy! my daddy got me flowers!' he used to send me flowers on valentines day and my birfday when i was younger.. i thought that us talkin lately rekindled that in him and it made me feel pretty good. but they wasnt from him.
they was from the hubby yo.
HOW SWEET IS THAT?!
tiger lillies carnations big spikey dahlias
yellows, pinks, purples and greens
it was so beautiful. i almost cried, but i held on to my gangsta.
bout 15 minutes later, what walks though the door but...
MO' FLOWERS!!
these WERE from my daddy. how bout that, man. so far.... best birthday ever. his flowers were in big, loud strong bold colors of flashy specimens.
roses tulips sunflowers some sort of daisy
deep deep reds and purples and oranges and pinks and greens
(i secretly like the first bouquet better, but shhhhhhhhhhhh... i love them both)
robin said we'd all have lunch monday in honor of my birthday since everybody wasnt there friday. sweet.
after work my mother met me downtown so we could go to dinner at TGI Fridays. she came up to my office to help me carry my rainforesty garden of flora down to the car. dinner at friday's was a little off. i got the spinach and artichoke dip as an appetizer which is typically really good. that time, not so much. i tried to get a pina colada but it was just nasty so i sent it back (yo, remember the colada i got at tgi's in philly? also nasty. i see a pattern). for dinner i just had chicken tenders and fries--my mother thought i should have gotten somethin flashier, but eh. i didnt.
at the table she gave me a really pretty birthday bag. inside were two dvd's--'american pimp' (how did she know it was one of my favorites??!?!) and a recording of jimi hendrix performing live at the isle of wight. so dope.
also in the bag was my official acceptance letter from columbia. they let me in. :o)
we get home and i walk in to find a pretty happy birthday banner and a table full of birhday cake and cupcakes and 23 balloons (!!!) my mama is the sweetesth thing ever... 'you know i had to get you SOME sort of surprise, right? i was out in the rain all day gettin this stuff together.'
i love her so much.
she called my neices and the other girls and they mama and stepdaddy down and we all had a grand ol time, mostly laughing at the baby's antics.
candis and lenee called to wish me a happy birthday :o) i didnt hear from brittany though. i was almost positive that i would.
ah well.
now. my friends sean and teddy had planned a night out for me. i sincerely didn't want to go. i mean i was DREADING it, for several reasons, the main one being that we wouldnt be leaving until around 12 b/c that's when sean got off of work. so i spent the hrs after everybody left trying desperately to keep the sands of time from slipping out of my hand. it didnt work.
11:45 and i was out the door.
first we just drove around in the rain. when i finally paid attention to where we were going, we were on a highway heading east. im like 'where the hell are we goin?!'
they just shrugged their shoulders. we truly had no destination.
they presented me with my present as we rode, though. it was a cd, one without a title. actually they gave it to me before we left the house and when i asked why it was blank, they said 'we figured we'd let the night title it. wait til u get some inspiration.'
so anyway, im thinkin this is just gonna be a mix cd, and it is sorta.. cept it was a buncha instrumentals over which they freestyled abt different inside jokes and topics and yall... it's hilarious. lmao itd take me forever to explain it all, but i will run down some classic lines and tracks.
-for the intro they recreated the soup spoon joke from coming to america. hilarious.
-they did a track as common and lil wayne called 'vegans and heathens'--i just dont know where to start explaining that
-on of my favorites--they re-did kanye's 'the whole city behind us' and rhymed about how they can never find my house.. 'where she at? the whole city cant find her..' lol!!
-as an interlude they asked teddy's mama to send me some well wishes.. while she was givin a lil speech, they started doin the church hum/moan, then outta nowhere they started beatboxin, and teddy's mama just broke out with IT'S YA BIRFDAY! IT'S YA BIRFDAY! lol hilarious, especially since i think she's a preacher.
-after seeing the picture of d'angelo in all his husky glory, they played 'devil's pie' and reinacted d'angelo deciding that he really does want some pie 'YOU REALLY THINK IM SAYIN SOMETHIN DEEP, WHEN IM JUST HUNGRY! NIGGA I WAWNT SOME PIEEEE!!'
-'rubber neck man,' by luke whitehead and francisco garcia (former u of l ball players)... 'bounce your neck back and forth like a biiyeetch' lmao i still dont understand that one
-a happy birthday song to my bangs ('happy birfday, bangs... cover ya forehead up, niggas')
and so many other memorable moments.
so then we go to denny's, where i see my crazy ass neighbor walkin around with an open jar of miracle whip.... your guess is as good as mine on that one. we sat behind a table of very butch lesbians and for some reason it was the funniest thing to me. i spent the whole meal trying not to look at them and laugh cause it would have seemed like i was lesbian intolerant when really im not. i just dont know why i was laffin.
from there they took me to my first bar, called 'the backdoor.' it was... interesting. full of smoke. i smelled like an ashtray when i left that place.
i had fun though! all we did was sit and talk about people and laugh, like we used to do all the time. there was an old drunk ass white man there who i thought had a crush on teddy cause he came up and just hugged him really hard as he was whispering stuff in his ear when we sat down. turns out teddy was sitting in his seat. at first the seating arrangement was teddy, sean, and me.. after sean got up though, teddy had me take his seat and sit in the middle of them, reason being that the drunk white man was actually trying to holla at me through teddy.
..unnerving.
but instinct kicked in and we used the old faithful survival tactic. teddy told him that i was his girlfriend and dude backed off. but he kissed teddy's hand first, which leads me to believe taht he was using teddy to get to me to use me to get to teddy.
makes no sense, right? nothing much did that night.
they ordered me a pineapple juice & malibu which was really good, then we found out that they give free birthday drinks with proof of birfday. she tried to give me a yeager bomb, which i wouldnt drink--i had a feelin my lil ass would be on the ground if i did--so teddy drank it instead and i had an electric koolaid. as frou frou as that sounds, it got me kinda nice.. lmao. my liver is the size of a thimble, im sure, so it dont take much.
from there we were gonna go to some club, but first we had to find an atm. i thought there was one in this lil porn shop next to said club, so we ducked in, but there was no atm there. we talked with the cashier guy a few mins while he helped us find one, and by the time we found it it was set to close in 20 minutes and the cover was 10 bucks. so we just went home.
because of random things that happened and were said through out the night, the title of this entry is what we named the cd.
today i went to dinner with my daddy, and i actually had a good time. seriously, i dont know when that has happened. he was very pleasant to be around, we laughed and joke. i was more comfortable with him today than ive ever been in my life. i think its because he was genuinely glad to see me--he hugged and kissed me twice when i opened my front door and ke hept tellin me how pretty i was. i realized that i'd missed him. hopefully something good will grow of this before its too late. he also gave me some money for my upcoming trips to philly and chicago.
so all in all, i had an excellent birthday. thanks to all who made it happen :o)