i aint gettin no taller. feel like im gainin weight tho. ive made another promise to myself to get healthier. we'll see how that goes. again.
ive got lots that i wanna fill ppl in on but at the moment im thinkin abt my penchant for drama. i thought abt it on the way home, all the way on the bus.
i like it, man. what can i say. part of me likes the drama. and i dont think im unique or some shady ass person b/c of it. why are u reading this now? would u keep reading it if i only came here everyday full of sunshine and bunny rabbits?
nope. yo meddlin asses like drama too. so u already know what it feels like.
but yeah. i like to playfight. i enjoy a good ribbing, a little warring of word and wit. thankfully, or perhaps lamentfully, my dude is the same way. the problem is that i cant let things go. rather, the problem is that i cant hold on to things quietly. if there's a difference b/t men and women as far as holding on to things, if there is any. ive always thought that men let things go quicker than women do. that's not true. men just squirrel them away and burrow them as acorns in the back of their minds. when they bubble up, they swallow them and keep storing them. for what, i dont know. but when women can't swallow something, we keep our mouths full of it. we wear it like a stud in our tongues. we have to let ppl know its their.
at least i do. i apologize for the generalizing.
but i hold on to shit and i dont think its a wild idea that some men do too. ive witnessed it. thing is, when something's bothering me, i want u to know about it. i feel nervous and ancy and anxious if u dont. so i mean i just gotta get it out, yknow? but beyond that..
it just makes for good conversation.
maybe i save little trinkets of big deals and just keep them in the barrel til i need them. ammunition for the moment that the current conversation dies or becomes unspectacular, unengaging, unenthralling. then i bring it out. both he and i hate to lose and have more opinions than we can fit in our mouths, so of course if its hot enough, we can go on about it forever, or until it rubs one of us raw, whatever comes first. but i like the back and forth sometimes. keeps the brain cells moving. so i bring myself to fixate on something and obsess over it to keep it at the surface and close at hand for easy access for the next moment i'll need/want it.
because of this there's a poor young lady runnin around the east coast that i'll probably never like 100%. well this and some other reasons that we shan't discuss. she hand a hand in some drama some yrs back. years, okay. yall hear me?
years. i mean this quite literally. like 2 yrs maybe, i dunno, im bad w/ marking the passage of time. the pt, tho, is that ive had fine time to let it go.
and sweet rational tracy has done just that. knowing that this girl has been through some pretty horrible things in her life and that this girl, from what sweet rational tracy observes in her dude, cant be held responsible or blamed for said drama (..only to an extent, though, in my opinion), she has buried her side of the hatched, which is good news!
the bad news is that vengeful ass tracy's side of the hatchet is the sharp iron side & she keeps it in her lap, grinding its edge til i can split hairs, rolling her eyes and muttering to herself 'i dont care if she's been through a lot, she's gon be goin thru a lot more if she don straighten her shit up and get some Act-Right in her life.'
maybe it's my Black Girl training. maybe its the way patriarchy teaches females to be in constant competition with each other. or maybe its just nature--as the caregivers, we need a mate with good, strong resources, and when we find one, we have to keep him in order to secure the well being of our progeny and thus keep our genes alive when we die.
i think its all three.
whatever it is, my dude is apparently accepting of it, moreso than i am. i dont particularly like that in myself at times. i mean it's not rampant, nowhere near as bad as it is in most women. plus i see the same sort of characteristics in him, and i know that if i was ever to meet this girl i'd be cordial, genuinely so, cause im not a mean person when i dont need to be. but still. that shit can be offputting. i dont wanna be offputting.
that being said, it doesnt look like nunna that's gonna change. so there's ur drama, u bastards.
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i come closer and closer to committing to temple each day. yall, to be perfectly honest and truthful?
i dont think i wanna go to grad school anymore. it's been my crutch, the primary reason for leaving that makes little tracy moving to a big city easier to swallow for the people who care about me. it makes it easier for me, too. if i was going to school while adapting to another city all alone, i'd have some structure to rely on. it wouldnt be as dangerous and involved. i dont think i'd be so prone to fail. so i've needed it, but the fact of the matter is, i dont want it.
i mean
i wanna write. i wanna write everything except poetry at the moment (and im enrolled in poetry programs. smart, huh?). it makes way more sense to take a screenwriting class and a short fiction class at a community college somewhere then spend my freetime writing my ass off and join some creative writing workshops at local libraries or something.
grad school seems like more stress than help, especially a freakin poetry program. that's not what i wanna do. but i do wanna move tho. and i do wanna keep everyone around me proud of me. and they've already found a replacement for me at work so its like, what else can i do?
it's not a priority in decidin where i move to anymore. if i was to go with my gut, id go to philly.
but. i dunno yet.
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talked to dallas the other day on IM. she talkin bout she hopes to be married come july.
yeah right. ill believe that shit when i see it.
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speaking of friends, my friends are acting weird. or maybe im lookin at em weirdly.
either way, they're freakin me out a lil bit. long, potentially boring story.
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and speaking again about me writin screenplays, i got a BANGIN idea for a movie, yall. i cant tell u the plot line because i dont have one yet, but i do have an angle that i cant tell u cause i dont want nunna yall mmmmmofos stealin my idea. i can hit u off with the title tho. ready?:
"Sheniqua Jenkins Don't Like Cornbread"
huh? huh??? ima let ur minds work a lil bit as u ponder what that cld possibly be about. i'd love to hear what yall come up with.
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im sorry, nate :o( ive been busy and stressed. it slipped my mind. forgive me?
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broke down and got a myspace page. im underwhelmed. i only go there to play games when im bored at work. http://www.myspace.com/pookiejawnsun if anyone cares.
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i posted abt moving to hawaii on okp awhile ago, and i really wanna mention it here but i dont wanna scratch it all out again. so if u missed it, u missed it.
just know that im takin up collections, though. donate!!
