okay, i slept half of it away. i rolled outta bed at a quarter til 1 & lord if i didnt' have the weirdest dreams.. i forget all of them though.
but they were weird.
now im in the house with virtually nothing to do. there are things that i can do, theoretically--write, do laundry, clean my room, blah blah. none of those things is sexy to me at the moment, however, and as such, i shall not persue.
anywho i'm in here holding hard to the premise that i have nothing to do. i want to sleep, but i cant. so im just here. typin in the ol blawgie blawg.
this will entertain me for approx 15 mins i suppose. then i think i actually will do some laundry.. i bought some draws yesterday that need some shrinkin. they too big. i think it's amazing that medium-sized hanes (6) are actually too big for my not-so-medium sized caboose. it's crazy. and i can't buy a size smaller, b/c they always end up drawin up in the wash anyway, and shrunken sized 6's are a perfect fit. shrunken size 5's, however, are a prescription for definite labia death by asphyxiation.
but again i digress
i'm moving in a week, give or take a few days. it's actually becoming real to us all now; my mother and i have actually talked about things instead of just shrugging it off or watching the mythic move hover over the horizon like it's a hundred billion miles away. the other night we went out to grab somethin to eat and we were talkin about it a little and i asked her if she was sad or mad at me for leaving; when i leave, she'll be wildly lonely, and i feel sort of selfish for just leaving her to persue whatever it is im trying to persue, so i worry about that. i finally asked her, and she said
no, i'm not mad. i'm proud that u've got the courage to do it, it's amazing.
that made me feel soooooooo much better still, she will be sad, and i will be sad, and i don't think there's any amount of preparation that can prepare us for the 'see you later' once she helps me get all settled in at the new place.
we were talking earlier today about moving up. she's found someone else to drive my belongings up, and she and i and possibly her friend david will be flying up together.
'you know that's a one-way ticket for u, now'
i asked her if she was gonna cry
she said yeah
and i told her not to
and she said 'i'm a mother, there's no way i wont be able to cry'
and then i told her, well just wait til u get home
and then she said 'it's easier for u b/c u're not the mother; i'm sad that u're leaving'
and then i told her nu uh, i'ma be just as sad as she is
and then she said 'well, why are u goin?!' (she wasn't totally serious, though) then i think she said somethin like we'll prolly both be cryin together, then, at the airport
and i was like, nu uh, i aint goin to no airport! we shldn't make it harder than it has to be
and then i told her to make sure that david comes along too, so she won't have to fly back alone. that wld suck.
anyway the moral is that we're all coming to grips w/ this reality. i'm a LITTLE less scared and worried now that we've at least acknowledged that im really seriously movin for awhile.
she and i went out last night and bought some things for my place target got an 80 piece kitchen in a box on sale for $26 and i got a george foreman grill and a shower curtain and 2 bathmats and i already got a buncha towels and i got a soap dish and toofbrush holder and today she bought me some kitchen towels
and my mother gave me a box of silverware that used to be my late uncle claude's still in the box, never used i knew that it'd been up here in my room hidden from my granny since my mother took it from his house after he died and before my aunt daisy's ppl took advantage of her and pretty much took all their belongings so i asked her if i cld had them
she said sure; he'd want me to have them
that makes me feel good
next, i shall be buying bedroom stuff, i guess
i need a perm
im anxious to get there and get the hard part over with.
im gonna have tiara come and visit me while i'm up there, if we can arrange it; she'll be fine w/ a straight-thru flight. she's sad that i'm leavin and doesn't really want me to go, but was relieved when i told her my program's only two yrs & it's not written in stone yet that i'll be gone longer than that, if that long ima try and spend as much time with my girls as i can before move time comes.. tonight, andrea and the baby and i guess tiara too will be down. i'm not TOO happy abt that b/c they'll be here all night; i'da much rather had them during the day so i can have my night to myself and of course if those 3 are gonna be down here, then onyx will wanna come too, but ima tell u sumn if i can help it, 3 kids is my limit. 4 at the most; all them cousins and shit they got stayin in that house are SOL.
im babblin bout nothin now and im hot so ima go take my clothes off or sumthin.
----------------------------- He: dude He: when r u leaving? Me: prolly around the 7th or so Me: i still got stuff to take care of He: but u got a place to stay and all that correct? Me: yep! Me: fount a place when i was up last week He: good good He: room mate? Me: nope He: YAAAAAAAAAY! Me: lol Me: why yaaay? He: dude...they suck He: unless you're really cool with em He: and even then... He: there's a chance you'll become mortal enemies Me: lol i wldnt have minded a roommate for real Me: the one i had lined up as plan B is super fantastically excellent & we wlda be straight He: minded He: wow Me: plus it'll be so lonely in that apt all alone He: good to know Me: lol what? He: NO IT WON'T!!! He: it's great! Me: why'd u 'wow' at 'minded'? He: lol He: minded Me: it wont be until im used to bein in such a big city He: come on He: valid point He: *shruggin shoulders* Me: lol come on what! Me: ? He: once agian...we is differento He: lol...nothin He: let it go Me: hmm Me: sounded a lil suspicious Me: but okay!
----------------------
**this was for u, the field day i was tellin u about. have fun. lol
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Me: u never told me how the shindig w/ floetry was Me: i asked candis for an update since she'd talked to u since Me: but she said she knew nothing about it at all He: cuz i killed em Me: lol Me: no really He: nothing to tell really... He: had to move the date back cuz only one of em could make it He: aka...the one who didn't sing Me: lol He: at least i got a chance to talk to her though Me: coincidence! again! He: and once again... He: the accent!!! He: what do u mean? Me: lol nothin Me: that's unfortunate tho He: nah...i still got paid something... He: that's only cuz this is the 2nd time it's happened though He: and that was cool of them cuz we haven't even signed a contract Me: word Me: i think u didnt go so u cld have a reason to go to philly later after ive moved in so u can visit me Me: dont lie craig! Me: dont lie! He: awwwww that's so cute He: so wrong He: yet so cute Me: lmao Me: it's okay Me: i understand Me: i'll try and be sure that my concubines are out of the building when the times arrives Me: but Me: i cant promise nothin Me: just for future reference;-)
----------------------------------
i honestly think that this is his plan. seriously. i mean... i really do.
next: one of the very very few times we've had a serious discussion about the state of our friendship- ----------------------------------
Me: so when'd u reschedule for? He: *shruggs* He: haven't got back to me Me: werd He: yep He: it seems like they wanna work with me...but who knows Me: welp Me: good luck w/ that He: lol... He: were did this sudden burst of support come from homie? Me: lol 'good luck with that' is a burst of support? He: nah... Me: it's because i want to ride ur coattails into superstardom Me: it's all part of my master plan Me: to become a leech He: you've never really asked too much about my work before He: grow-up...i wasn't sayin that Me: lol i know Me: but truth be told like 5% of me doesnt believe it all Me: cause it's pretty fantastic stuff He: maybe working with them...just to get canceled on is fantastic? Me: the idea of flying to philly to work with floetry in dj jazzy jeff's own studio alone is pretty fantastic Me: and the job with virgin in london was fantastic Me: and the trip to africa that just never came to be was fantastic Me: and stevie and raphael and glen lewis Me: all pretty fantastic Me: yknow? Me: iono if that has anything to do w/ my lack of askin abt it, but more than that i jsut dont be pryin like that Me: lol this prolly sounds real offensive He: africa went along with the job for virgin... Me: i pologize, i dont mean it to be Me: just brainstormin He: nah...you're good He: the stevie thing was through full sail.... He: he comes down every year to talk and set up scholarship funds...and i was suppose to be the student assigned to him when he did He: the raphael thing i got through meeting his newphew that was comin to full sail that i showed around He: wow... He: so that's y u never ask He: cuz u think it's bs? Me: nope, i aint say that He: that's deep Me: typically that information is volunteered Me: i never ask after ppl's personal biz like that Me: i figure if u want me to know, if it's important to u Me: u'll tell me Me: maybe it's a fault? i dunno, iont consider it to be He: nah... Me: but for real, lol, i dont think it's unnatural to hear so many hugely amazing things and be like Me: '...for real?' Me: i'd question it if it was ME it was happeningto Me: lol Me: and i'd expect ppl to give me the 'girl boo' face on occassion He: the reason y i don't really bring it up is cuz you don't seem to really like the work that i've played u before Me: i dont think that's why i dont ask tho. that's just me Me: well i mean Me: there's been some stuff i heard that i didnt care for He: no...that's y i don't really talk about any of that with u anymore Me: but im hard on music like that He: aka..most of it Me: but i've liked some things ive heard from u Me: and i've told u so Me: no Me: not most of it Me: but i tell u when i like ur stuff Me: i just dont wanna front or go bananas if im not bananas about it Me: i'd want that from any of my friends He: that's not what i'm asking for either... He: but i can honestly think of maybe one time when i've played u something to where u were like... He: that's pretty cool He: maybe i'm wrong... Me: there were at least 3 tracks u played for me that i liked the time me and sean and what's his name were at the studio w/ u Me: and there have been times aside from that Me: it aint like u've played me a million tracks as it is Me: but i swear it's been way more than 1 or 2 times He: i'm just saying...that's what it seems like Me: i understand Me: that's not true though He: fair enough Me: i dont want u to take me not appearing jubiliant abt something as me not being interested or thinkin it sucks Me: & i really dont think i've been completely cold abt ur work, but Me: i dunno. 's just how i am i guess He: i'm saying that you're completely cold about anything... He: i think the best way to say it is... He: how i feel about my music is how u feel about your writing He: for me...it's one of the only things i really really takie seriously... He: and i guess the fact that i deal with a lot of construtive critizism with it in a day to day setting... He: when i hear more of it from the few people that i do play it for... He: it just hits home harder for me He: which is cool... He: i don't know...it's just different hearing it from u or sean or tonda compared to some local cat who...chances are is never gonna make it He: so i mostly keep it to myself Me: keeping with this example Me: that music to u is like writing to me Me: i never think anything of it that u never ask about my writing Me: nobody ever asks me about my writing Me: so i guess it's all about what we're used to Me: & i hope that u wont take it personally from here on out Me: just like u said when we started this im conversation Me: we're different ppl Me: i guess that's what it comes to He: it's not like i'm mad or anything... He: and as far as your writing...you know i'm a big fan He: i still have your poem hangin up at my place He: but...point taken Me: my bad.. had to run downstairs Me: & i still have the cd u and sean made for me and i listen to it at least once a week Me: truthfully Me: so we seem to be in the same space as far as this is concerned Me: we just seem to be different in what we want and expect from friends when it comes to our crafts Me: and how we interpret things when it comes to them He: agreed
i'd feel bad abt not believing him had his own best friend not expressed the same sentiments. but at least i've planted a lil hint of how i feel abt the stuff he be sayin. i feel better now. & im done w/ it. he obviously aint gon quit it, so he's just gon hafta be like that cousin that everybody knows is a klepto so u invite them over anyway u just watch them like a hawk while they're in ur home.
i been meanin to update forever ago. i been meanin to do lots of stuff (like email hyde back like 2 weeks ago--i'm sorry!!), but i been busy, as this entry will more than likely reveal.
anyway moving.
im terrified.
im excited too but
really.. im terrified.
part of me wants to back out, but i'll kick myself in the ass for the rest of my life if i do. so im gonna make the move. and i have to remember that it's okay if it's not for me, but at the same time i cant go up there banking on the fact that i can leave if i dont like it b/c then i'll be packin and headin for home the very first time i get homesick.
it'll definitely be an experience.
i'm struggling with the idea of school too. truth be told, i dont think i wanna do it. not for poetry. but, im gonna give it a go, see what happens. this is the area, i think, where i'm much more prone to just throw in the towel the first time i dont like something within that realm. temple didn't dazzle me. and i'd much rather be taking up screenwriting and women's studies. but, eh. we'll see what happens.
speaking of screenwriting i cld do it man. i want to. just gotta push myself.
that's the thing. i gotta push myself but im too lazy to do it. i lack discipline.
in the midst of all this self criticism, i do have to say that i've made lots of strides in areas that i've only talked about in entries that i've written but haven't published here. i'd go into details but it aint everybody's business like that. im proud of me tho.
but i digress
i flew up to philly last monday and fount me an apartment. it's cute. it's small, which is okay, i dont mind it. it's prolly for the best b/c there's no freaking air conditioning in the freaking building (i swore on my LIFE that i wldnt stay in a place w/ no air conditionin, but time's runnin out and i was desperate, so..), and the area of the apartment, i think, is small enough to be aptly cooled by one window unit, which is good b/c all i can get in the place is one window unit b/c there's bars on all the other windows. plus an air conditioner in a bay window wld just look trailer parkish to me.
yep! bay windows in the dining room and my bedroom :o)
hardwood floors
neat little framed in kitchen area (it's really small, but hell, i dont cook anyway)
little closet space to my recollection.. it's cool b/c i'll have a big ol footlocker to keep stuff in
um what else ooh in the bedroom, nearly a full wall (the biggest one) is like almost nothing but built-in bookshelves. im so excited about that!! now i can get all my books and stuff put away w/o havin to buy somethin to put em in. plus i'll have room for pictures and knick-knacks and crap.
so im pretty happy about that. i'll be there for at least half a year; if it's not working for me by then i guess i cld always sublease that and find me another place.
i was telling my mama about it yesterday on our way to the movies and i told her ima hafta buy me an air conditioner and she said
'jeez, that place doensn't even have air conditioning?!?!?'
the way she said it was really really extra super critical, like i did a terrible job of finding a place to stay, so i told her, u know what
im not gonna find a palace my first time out. it's not perfect, but i did the best i cld.
then she insisted that she wasn't being critical. 'all i said was 'oh, it doesnt have air conditioning?'
which wasnt true but i wonder if i imagined her being as snippy and critical in what she said in the first place. i'm very worried abt not doing well in the face of a woman who think i shldnt be doing this at all, so im kind of sensitive about it.
still, that affirmation made me feel good, that i did the best i cld and i'm happy with what i have, and if she doesn't like it, oh well, she doesn't have to (that's what was goin on in my head).
but for real man.. this heatwave shit better be done by the time i get there or i just might move the freak back home. heat is one thing i do NOT do well in and i dont see no lil ass air conditioner battlin this kinda heat.
and speakin of this heat
i came downstairs this morning when i got up (it was actually around noonish) to find my granny in the kitchen sweatin like a hog w/ the backdoor wide open.
i close the door and i tell her mama, we gotta keep these doors closed because the air is on and we're lettin it all out
and she says 'well, i just came in, i'm goin right back out.'
and i tell her, i say mama, u know how hot it is out there, right? this is supposed to be the hottest day of the year so far and then i tell her how it's dangerous for ANYbody to be out there for too long today w/ no water to drink (she doesn't drink water at all, mind u, only tea and water and more tea--she'd dehydrate in no time out there), but especially dangerous for someone like her w/ a bad heart. all she needs to do is get dizzy and pass out and bam. broken hip. and then with me up here in my room makin calls and plans and moves and preparations, i prolly wldnt find her out there for an hr or two, and then
so on & so forth.
so okay, she says, i'm not gon go out no more.
bout 7 minutes ago my aunt pauline calls. we talk. i tell her abt mama bein outside and sweatin buckets and not wantin to stay in. she wants to talk to her (not strictly about bein outside; she'd called to talk to her in the first place).
so i go downstairs to tell her telephone and guess where she is.
outside. in the backyard. AAAALLL the way in the backyard, by the fence, back by the alley (our backyard is huge) bent over some plant tuggin and pullin.
she's in the shade, but still.
so i tell pauline, and i tell her that i'll have grams call her back or she can call her back or somethin and pauline says 'okay, and u tell her that *i* said...'
so i went back and i told her, AGAIN, that she should not be outside because blah blah blah and suddenly i knew exactly what my mother feels like when she gets so mad at her, why she fusses at her the way she does. im tellin u, she's like a child. u tell her to do something, she says okay, turns around and does it anyway and 9 times out of 10, lies about doing it even when u catch her doing it!
yesterday, we came home and the house reeked of cigarette smoke. man, my mama hit the roof. typically i think that she goes too far, and i typically sympathize w/ grams, but not this time. she was wrong and she knew better and sometimes it seems that getting mad at her is the only thing that will get thru. but i mean obviously, it hasn't worked so far, but
u know what i mean.
i try to be like well, we cant do this or say this to her b/c she's a grown woman but u know what, she's not a grown woman. she's an old woman, and there's a difference there.
once a man, twice a child, my cousin dorothy once said.
so true.
and she just called me down to get the mail and guess what i seen?? a big ol super huge fantastic package for everyone's favorite hyde!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
okay, im bout to open it now
*drumroll*
OMG! it's a little plastic bag and it's got all kindsa italian words and letters and stuff on it!!!! that's not the best part tho there's somethin IN the bag!! boy i tell ya, christmas came early this year!
okay. openin the bag. ...
there's a note! and it's on this really neat piece of paper with a door and a couch and a kettle at the top! it says that this is all a part of her elaborate plan to take over the world!!!
no, it really does say that. and i think i believe it. she's got dope handwriting, btw. it looks like the way this girl erin used to write. but i digress.
okay so also inside the bag is somethin wrapped in bubble wrap and let me tell u. the bubble wrap alone cld be the gift. do u know how much i love bubble wrap???!?!?!
im so saving this for later.
OKAY. im openin for real now.
....
awww it's a book! it's a calendar! a calendarbook! and dude, it's bound in leather. feels like REAL leather too! and it's got a buncha comics and stuff that looks like it's prolly funny but im not sure cause it's in italian! italian even looks sexy written. this is dope.
aw, and there's a sweet sentiment written on the inside cover page. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! :o)
lol i really didnt intend to document every single step to me openin some mail but this was great. if u're reading, thank u so much! im gonna go learn the names of all 12 months in italian right now so i can use it!!!
i'm walkin to the bus stop where i usually catch my bus to go to work. the corner is MAD busy.. buncha dudes around a bbq pit, music goin.. looks kinda like derby.
there's like, a wall of big dudes sittin on this lil wall, just lined up where im standin at waitin for my ride. the dude sittin nearest to me happens to be Nipsey (from 'martin,' remember?)
so my ride pulls up. big ol black bently fulla ppl. puff daddy's in the passenger seat. one of my friends from middle school, some girl whose name i cant remember, is in the back seat behind him. next to her, to her left, is bobby brown. driving the car is a girl who looks a lot like some other girl i went to elementary school with named patience. this girl was a member of mariah carey's camp or production team or personal assistant or something.
so Nipsey's next to me tryin hard to holla holla holla. he's like 'come on, babygirl, just let me get on that plane w/ u in the mornin. come on, ill be good to u!'
puff daddy says 'nah, man, wit all the money i got? she's obviously gon take ME on that plane cause she knows i'll buy her whatever she wants & we gon have a GOOD ol' time! u trippin, nip!'
my friend from the back seat- 'all yall wrong, because me and her go waaaaaaaaaay back. we'll have the most fun, so she's takin me on the plan!'
then bobby brown chimes in- 'well, if u take me on that plane.. i'ma smoke some CRACK! that CRICK-CRACK!!'
i die laughing. 'sorry guys.. bobby brown won.'
nipsey gets mad & im in the car w/ bobby brown & nem. puff daddy had gotten outta the car to make room for me in this one. we get around the corner--we're following another big fancy car full of some of mariah carey's other ppl (now containing puff daddy--that's where he went when he got out of the bently i was ridin in w/ bobby & nem) when that car stops, having been stopped by police who had set up a road block or something. puff gets outta that car and walks over to ours while police are pullin ppl outta the car and arrestin em. puff says
'well, that's it yall. the cops is arrestin mariah & nem & i dont have no time for drama. come on, let's go.'
so we all get outta the bently except for the girl who was driving it. we get in the other car w/ puff behind the wheel and we drive a little bit to this house on a corner that looks more like an abandoned warehouse from the front & side, but when we pull into the driveway in the back, we see it's an 8-car garage made by Cadillac w/ a lock on it and everything. there's a maybach or something parked there. puff gets out and has in his hand a coffee can full of old cookin grease (u know, the one yo mama/gramama had sittin on the stove back in the day), except the coffee can didnt have any coffee lable or anything on it, it was a buncha pictures of mariah. puff sets it on the trunk of the maybach and walks away sayin
'that's what happens when you...' sumthin sumthin sumthin.
and then we just drive away.
crazy dream. that bobby brown shit was hilarious though.
ladies and gennulmun.. give it for up for Lair Williams III:
T: y don't u write me to complain about work anymore?!?! T: it makes me think that u actually are starting to LIKE your job Me: well if i am, it's kinda late in the game Me: my last day is friday:-D T: ehh T: when r u leaving? Me: august 1st if i have a place by then T: i approve Me: i may hafta fly up next week T: u staying by yourself? Me: dunno yet Me: depends on what happens w/ the apartment search T: i'm goin up this week-end T: i'll take care of it for u (<- this part here is actually a joke) Me: WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!=-O!!!! T: grow-up Me: *shock!!* Me: *wonderment!!* Me: *simply amaaaaaaaaaaaaazed!!* T: lol...such a non-winner Me: :-) Me: how long are u gon be there? T: just this week-end (this, however, is not. he's serious.) Me: k Me: where u stayin? T: mariot...the studio...and a friends place Me: werd Me: well that's excitin Me: have fun! T: NO! Me: whatever works for u T: i am kinda hyped about goin to touch of jazz though (<- note how he puts the name on the end of the hook and just dangles it in hopes that somebody'll bite. sorry. not hungry today.) Me: so i guess u'll be makin frequent trips up there, eh? Me: coincidence since i'll be there the next 2 yrs Me: !!! T: not really...but we can all do a road trip T: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY Me: nope Me: im movin to get away from u kuntra negroes T: i think i'm gonna steal some toliet paper from there Me: duh Me: booooo Me: do it big Me: steal a bar of soap T: nomore moonshine mixed with wisk sour?!?! Me: lol Me: not til christmas T: your bad Me: mayhaps Me: hey Me: what happent to u flyin up there to work w/ floetry a couple yrs ago? T: aka...this week-end (are u following? he's flying up to philly to work w/ floetry this weekend. the last time he told me this was not long after i told him of MY plans to fly up to philly for a visit. coincidence? if u say yes, i think u may be stupid or something.) Me: riiiiiiiiight;-) T: really...y else would i go to philly (<- sour grapes like a mug.) T: i mean shout out to will smith and all...but come on Me: nah, i was askin why u didnt go 2 yrs ago Me: cause i remembered that u said u hadnt been before and it reminded me T: after i met em in orlando a while ago...there was a lotta talk...aka..let's get together and work..blah blah blah (<- the only thing accurate here is the 'blah blah blah' part) T: and the manager finally came through... T: truth be told... T: i don't think their budget is all that great for this album... Me: lmao they cant afford you, eh ted T: hence forth nobody..aka me...gettin a chance (if anything has a chance at being true here, i'd say it was this. but it's not.) Me: oh Me: lol T: riiiiiiiiight...that's exactly what i meant T: jerk Me: i mean it clda been! Me: in such case Me: i thought it was funny Me: u missed out on a great joke up Me: *op Me: u'll hafta forgive me for bein incredulous T: you good (aka-- 'i dont know what incredulous means.') Me: why are u up this early anyway? T: i'm always up this early more or less Me: ...why? T: trying to work out a bit these days....
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
he once told me he liked me b/c i know him better than anybody else, and that i'm one of the only ppl who knows when he's bullshittin.
wldnt it make sense NOT to bullshit me anymore then??
i hope he's not lyin tho. if he's not ill gladly sugar my words up real nice and eat them whole.
so later ill talk abt my family and my neice and how ima write a screenplay.
ima write a screenplay yo. get famous and shit. PAID. that's what i really need. and i can do it. i hope :o(
anyway
i played all 5 parts of 'trapped in the closet' today for my mama, both the mp3s and the vidjos. comedy. we laughed abt that crap all day.
and my brother was home this weekend and we all went out and actually got along.
i had to cut my fingernails earlier, man. im typin way butter and they dont look bad but man it always hurts my feelings to have to do that.
but anyway
my brother was home today and we got lil travis and took tiara shoppin. my mama didnt go. but we all got along.
at one pt, my basement was filled with approx. 5 children (6 including my brother, 7 including my grown cousin dejuan/angelo who spilled kool-aid on my air hockey table like a jerk)
i emailed my co-workers and let them know that this is my last week on the jizzob b/c i finally got an apartment, but for some reason the landlord is demanding that i move in by july 15th, which is this friday. this, of course, isnt true. but i want my last two weeks im here to myself.
i cannot beLIEVE i'm leaving so soon :o( i'm sad abt that. really sad, i think, and scared, too. but in the same breath i'm excited and anxious. i just wanna get the hard part over with.
anyway it's my last week of work.
i needa get my hurr did before i go. if i perm it like the night before, i'm good til december, which is right on time to get it done when i come home again round christmas/new yr's time.
i decided i was gonna watch the bootleg 'hide and seek' that my brother came home. i shlda known better. i had that joint on 5 minutes because i cut it off, not b/c it's scary, but b/c im scared of it bein scary and i caint watch them kinda movies by myself. ima try and watch 'kicking and screaming' instead.
unless my phone rings soon.
somebody needa get on his job.
*glare*
i luh u hoes! miss yall too! seem like i aint talked to nobody in forever.
yo my mama grilled some mackeral (sp?) today. the fish. i hate fish. but THIS stuff was so. good. she soaked it in milk first. takes almost all the fishy taste out of it.
rugrats was me and tiara's show back in the day, man, when i used to keep her and andrea all day while her mama was at work.
good times.
okay. im done.
reno 911! is on. it's not as potentially scary as 'hide and seek.' that lil girl is crazy.
this keyboard feels so good man, it makes me wanna type stuff but i dont have anything to type. i wonder when this freakin writer's block is gon end???
funny how he just ends up with buisness in spots relevant to me.
so he just asks me, 'have u decided what school u're goin to yet?'
i say temple
he says 'yaaaaaaaaaaaay!' (the usual 'congratulations' noise) then says 'ill be in philly in a couple of weeks'
i ask why
he says 'work'
..just like he was coincidentally gonna be in atl on 'buisness' when i was gonna be there. (interesting how that business disappeared once i told him i didnt think him showin us around wld be a good idea)
and then when i was takin a trip up to philly a long time ago when he was livin in florida, he was talkin bout he finna go to philly to work w/ floetry and glenn lewis and shit.
...
u aint got no job, tommy.
i shlda lied and said chicago. bet he'da said he had 'business' there too.
gotta get used to these keys. might hafta cut my nails to accomodate. it's time for a trimmin anyway though.
as odd as this sounds, i was hesitant to give this computer so much attention. its like.. proof that im finna leave, in a way. i bought this computer for my move. now its like, wow.. stuff is fallin into place. out w/ the old computer, in w/ the new. out with the old life, in w/ the new.
i was skurred.
we koo now tho. me & Lucille's finna be like peas and carrots. like ceephus and reesie. like ham and burger.
i bought her downstairs out of my room to work on it for the first time since ive had it (addin software, music, etc). man u shlda seen me tryna get ready for the transport. it was like a mother preparing to take her newborn out the house for the first time since comin home from the hospital. my mama got me a really nice bag for it, right, so im like 'okay.. she'll need some music, ill put these in this compartment.. oh and i shld take the power cord, just in case she gets hungry..'
silly.
its dope tho. so far i got all my music on here; both my portable usb ports all installed and ready to go (i cldn't use them w/ my old computer for some reason); got my lil portable mp3 player up and workin again, too (i cldn't use that w/ the old computer, either; it really is such a hater). i think ive got just about all the stuff i need from my old computer on to this one--i still gotta download soulseek and possibly kazaa, but i gotta make sure there's nothin else i need to salvage before i do a total restore on the old machine (i gotta make sure there's no um.. incriminating or otherwise inappropriate stuff that i wldnt want my mother/brother/whoever ends up w/ the computer to see). then, i'll install the software for my new printer, my new monitor, my whatchacallit and my other whatcha call it and then i can set it up like a desktop!
i'll provide pictures in due time. i want you to be fully prepared to hate on me and Lucille the way we be deserved to be hated on. we're so much flyer than u and yours, i promise.
in other news i got 2 more weeks of work (ive decided that july 13th shall be my last day). 2 weeks after that, im moving. that is incredibly terrifying. incredibly. but i'm still excited. my granny's already worrying (see: worrying me) about it, askin me all sad and meek and 'how-cld-u-do-this-to-me'-like about my plans. well maybe that's not fair to say, but if she's not intending this to be a guilt trip, its turning into one anyway. she and my mother have been at it today, but beyond that she's just been in a gloomy mood. this morning/early afternoon, they were both in the kitchen and i came in asking questions about utility prices for when i got my own place. later on, everytime my granny would pass me sitting here at the dining room table, she'd stop and make her voice all sweet-granny like and put her arm around me and stare at me with huge sad granny eyes and ask me questions-
'are u gonna be livin in philadelphia?'
'aw, really?'
'what made you wanna go there?'
'how come you to go so far away?'
'you don't like louisville?'
'i hate that chu goin so far away.'
here i told her that she should be happy that i'm going to be happy (and directly after said i prayer that i really will be happy). she said oh of course, 'im always happy long as my children is happy'
i tried to speak with as much conviction as i cld abt it in hopes of making her worry a little less, but i think its a lost cause. worrying is just what she does these days. so, ima hafta mentally prepare myself for quite a show on the morning of my departure, im sure. since she'd been a little down today, it was obvious that she needed somebody to talk to, and it felt good being downstairs with my mother and the rest of civilization, so i decided to try and tough it out. i cldnt do it though. she soon drove me back up to my room where i am now b/c of both her and my drunk ass mama.
im listenin to estero's new album again. its excellent. i like it a lot.
and i'm now typing using my wireless keyboard. maaaaaaaan... this sht is EXCELLENT. its so fly im even jealous of myself. and i aint even got it all set up yet.
my mommy
me, age 3
and me, 5th grade, complete w/ chicken pox scars
my great uncle claude in korea (i think it was in korea)
and my great uncle james
my cousin nisha in the middle, flanked by my late cousins tyrone and dedrick
you'll NEVER ever guess where i am in this picture
left to right: my aunt pauline, whom my boyfriend has threatened to leave me for; her ex husband; and my granny
10 pts and a gold star if u know who this is. lol
(pictured here with Jerome the Wireless)
