i been meanin to update forever ago. i been meanin to do lots of stuff (like email hyde back like 2 weeks ago--i'm sorry!!), but i been busy, as this entry will more than likely reveal.
anyway moving.
im terrified.
im excited too but
really.. im terrified.
part of me wants to back out, but i'll kick myself in the ass for the rest of my life if i do. so im gonna make the move. and i have to remember that it's okay if it's not for me, but at the same time i cant go up there banking on the fact that i can leave if i dont like it b/c then i'll be packin and headin for home the very first time i get homesick.
it'll definitely be an experience.
i'm struggling with the idea of school too. truth be told, i dont think i wanna do it. not for poetry. but, im gonna give it a go, see what happens. this is the area, i think, where i'm much more prone to just throw in the towel the first time i dont like something within that realm. temple didn't dazzle me. and i'd much rather be taking up screenwriting and women's studies. but, eh. we'll see what happens.
speaking of screenwriting i cld do it man. i want to. just gotta push myself.
that's the thing. i gotta push myself but im too lazy to do it. i lack discipline.
in the midst of all this self criticism, i do have to say that i've made lots of strides in areas that i've only talked about in entries that i've written but haven't published here. i'd go into details but it aint everybody's business like that. im proud of me tho.
but i digress
i flew up to philly last monday and fount me an apartment. it's cute. it's small, which is okay, i dont mind it. it's prolly for the best b/c there's no freaking air conditioning in the freaking building (i swore on my LIFE that i wldnt stay in a place w/ no air conditionin, but time's runnin out and i was desperate, so..), and the area of the apartment, i think, is small enough to be aptly cooled by one window unit, which is good b/c all i can get in the place is one window unit b/c there's bars on all the other windows. plus an air conditioner in a bay window wld just look trailer parkish to me.
yep! bay windows in the dining room and my bedroom :o)
hardwood floors
neat little framed in kitchen area (it's really small, but hell, i dont cook anyway)
little closet space to my recollection.. it's cool b/c i'll have a big ol footlocker to keep stuff in
um what else ooh in the bedroom, nearly a full wall (the biggest one) is like almost nothing but built-in bookshelves. im so excited about that!! now i can get all my books and stuff put away w/o havin to buy somethin to put em in. plus i'll have room for pictures and knick-knacks and crap.
so im pretty happy about that. i'll be there for at least half a year; if it's not working for me by then i guess i cld always sublease that and find me another place.
i was telling my mama about it yesterday on our way to the movies and i told her ima hafta buy me an air conditioner and she said
'jeez, that place doensn't even have air conditioning?!?!?'
the way she said it was really really extra super critical, like i did a terrible job of finding a place to stay, so i told her, u know what
im not gonna find a palace my first time out. it's not perfect, but i did the best i cld.
then she insisted that she wasn't being critical. 'all i said was 'oh, it doesnt have air conditioning?'
which wasnt true but i wonder if i imagined her being as snippy and critical in what she said in the first place. i'm very worried abt not doing well in the face of a woman who think i shldnt be doing this at all, so im kind of sensitive about it.
still, that affirmation made me feel good, that i did the best i cld and i'm happy with what i have, and if she doesn't like it, oh well, she doesn't have to (that's what was goin on in my head).
but for real man.. this heatwave shit better be done by the time i get there or i just might move the freak back home. heat is one thing i do NOT do well in and i dont see no lil ass air conditioner battlin this kinda heat.
and speakin of this heat
i came downstairs this morning when i got up (it was actually around noonish) to find my granny in the kitchen sweatin like a hog w/ the backdoor wide open.
i close the door and i tell her mama, we gotta keep these doors closed because the air is on and we're lettin it all out
and she says 'well, i just came in, i'm goin right back out.'
and i tell her, i say mama, u know how hot it is out there, right? this is supposed to be the hottest day of the year so far and then i tell her how it's dangerous for ANYbody to be out there for too long today w/ no water to drink (she doesn't drink water at all, mind u, only tea and water and more tea--she'd dehydrate in no time out there), but especially dangerous for someone like her w/ a bad heart. all she needs to do is get dizzy and pass out and bam. broken hip. and then with me up here in my room makin calls and plans and moves and preparations, i prolly wldnt find her out there for an hr or two, and then
so on & so forth.
so okay, she says, i'm not gon go out no more.
bout 7 minutes ago my aunt pauline calls. we talk. i tell her abt mama bein outside and sweatin buckets and not wantin to stay in. she wants to talk to her (not strictly about bein outside; she'd called to talk to her in the first place).
so i go downstairs to tell her telephone and guess where she is.
outside. in the backyard. AAAALLL the way in the backyard, by the fence, back by the alley (our backyard is huge) bent over some plant tuggin and pullin.
she's in the shade, but still.
so i tell pauline, and i tell her that i'll have grams call her back or she can call her back or somethin and pauline says 'okay, and u tell her that *i* said...'
so i went back and i told her, AGAIN, that she should not be outside because blah blah blah and suddenly i knew exactly what my mother feels like when she gets so mad at her, why she fusses at her the way she does. im tellin u, she's like a child. u tell her to do something, she says okay, turns around and does it anyway and 9 times out of 10, lies about doing it even when u catch her doing it!
yesterday, we came home and the house reeked of cigarette smoke. man, my mama hit the roof. typically i think that she goes too far, and i typically sympathize w/ grams, but not this time. she was wrong and she knew better and sometimes it seems that getting mad at her is the only thing that will get thru. but i mean obviously, it hasn't worked so far, but
u know what i mean.
i try to be like well, we cant do this or say this to her b/c she's a grown woman but u know what, she's not a grown woman. she's an old woman, and there's a difference there.
once a man, twice a child, my cousin dorothy once said.
so true.
and she just called me down to get the mail and guess what i seen?? a big ol super huge fantastic package for everyone's favorite hyde!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
okay, im bout to open it now
*drumroll*
OMG! it's a little plastic bag and it's got all kindsa italian words and letters and stuff on it!!!! that's not the best part tho there's somethin IN the bag!! boy i tell ya, christmas came early this year!
okay. openin the bag. ...
there's a note! and it's on this really neat piece of paper with a door and a couch and a kettle at the top! it says that this is all a part of her elaborate plan to take over the world!!!
no, it really does say that. and i think i believe it. she's got dope handwriting, btw. it looks like the way this girl erin used to write. but i digress.
okay so also inside the bag is somethin wrapped in bubble wrap and let me tell u. the bubble wrap alone cld be the gift. do u know how much i love bubble wrap???!?!?!
im so saving this for later.
OKAY. im openin for real now.
....
awww it's a book! it's a calendar! a calendarbook! and dude, it's bound in leather. feels like REAL leather too! and it's got a buncha comics and stuff that looks like it's prolly funny but im not sure cause it's in italian! italian even looks sexy written. this is dope.
aw, and there's a sweet sentiment written on the inside cover page. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! :o)
lol i really didnt intend to document every single step to me openin some mail but this was great. if u're reading, thank u so much! im gonna go learn the names of all 12 months in italian right now so i can use it!!!
: 10:44 PM, July 25, 2005
